Jonny's Letter

Jonny can be described as a bouncing ball constantly bouncing. Where he gets the energy, I don't know. He could share it with me and still have plenty left over. His energey tends to turn to bugging-- not necessarily on purpose but out of line just the same. Sometimes, he goes too far and I end up sending him to his room. This time it was for a nice, long time out-- the take a nap kind of time out. It didn't take long before Jonny called on one of his siblings to play messenger. I got this letter from Jonny.


Dear Mom,

I am soore for not lesining to you. I love you. And I will lesin all the time. You are a great Mom. I will do stuff for you. And I will tell Paul I am soore for buging. And I love you as my Mom.

I went up to talk to him. The letter was deeply appreciated but I told him that I wanted him to rest a little longer. As I left the room, I closed the blinds. I knew that the temptation of seeing his siblings play outside would make him not listen to me even more. "Jonny, you need to rest for another half hour and then you could get up. It is not that long and before you know it you can get up, apologize to Paul, and go back to playing."

He was sad, but Jonny did listen to me. And he went about the rest of his day with pretty good behavior.

But as you all know, kids will be kids. Jonny is now taking a nap because he really needed it. Bless his heart... he fell right asleep.

Better Late Than Never

I know it's a little late, but the pictures and story of painting eggs was too fun not to post-- so here it is.

When I read that fellow blogger Christie had her daughters blow out eggs and then color them my first thought was-- we could do that. And so we did.

We washed the eggs and then poked holes in either end. Then the girls went to town blowing out the eggs. Even I blew out an egg!


Galina thought it was pretty disgusting but she was a good sport and did it anyway-- unlike someone else.

Annalyn made her holes as big as possible-- but I called that cheating. :)

Here is Miss Someone Else. She could barely watch.

Julia got the hang of things and blew out four eggs in no time.

At the risk of being called totally gross, I won't tell you that we scrambled the eggs and ate them.

Coloring the eggs was really fun this year. Instead of the traditional food color and vinegar we colored the eggs with water colors and acrylic paints. We also decoupaged them with tissue paper. The kids went a little crazy with glitter once Julia brought it out.

I think they turned out beautiful... sparkly... bright... unique.

In celebration of our Risen Savior, we sat down to a nice ham dinner. Normally we do buffet, but we tried family style. Let's just say, we need a little work.

P.S. Wait a minute. Galina caught me in a lie. As I was typing this she corrected me by saying, "No Mom, we need a lot of work."

What is My Motivation?

I just finished reading a book called "Compassion: A Reflection on the Christian Life" by Nouwen, McNeill, and Morrision.

Here is a quote that resonated with me long after I was done reading.

"As long as the help we offer to others is motivated primarily by the changes we may accomplish, our service cannot last long. When results do not appear, when success is absent, when we are no longer liked or praised for what we do, we lose strength and motivation to continue."

Oh Lord how I want a pure heart that is motivated solely by the desire to find comfort, joy, and peace in you. Forgive me that I fall short.

More of you... less of me.

Caleb Asks Some Good Questions

"How come the past tense for hold is held but the past tense for fold is folded?

How come I didn't holded the ball?
Why couldn't I felded the towels yesterday?

The English language is dumb."

P.S. Today I broke down crying in the dentist's office. For real. As he began to tell me how damaged my teeth are from grinding and that I have a $1000 in medical treatment that needs to be done, how could I not?
Please pray for me-- next week I am having three plus hours of work done. And tonight I am wearing my nightguard.
No offense, but I hate dentists.

Asking For Help

In the past, many of you offered up some really neat suggestions for adoptive families in need of help. I am specifically trying to remember two group homes, care facilities, or Christian camps for troubled kids. If you know of any helpful resources for families that are struggling with their children, will you please be so kind as to leave the info in the comment section so that myself and others can refer back to this post.

A big thanks ahead of time.

Happy Easter

He has risen! Hallelujah! Much to celebrate!

~~Enough~~

It is hard to step out of my comfort zone. Sharing about Alex was incredibly uncomfortable for me. As I typed my feelings on the screen I was hoping that God would use my weakness in ways ways that I could not foresee. If God was able to use my story to encourage just one person than it was worth my little bit of discomfort. Oh how admitting my faults can be so hard for me.

But it was not me encouraging someone else as much as it was me being encouraged by a reader who now I consider a friend. What Michelle shared with me, is a true gift... though incredibly painful as well. Her powerful testimony that she was brave enough to share with me turned out to be my encouragement that I am ~enough~ for my son. Though we do not have the perfect love story-- it is a love story nonetheless.

Thank you, thank you, thank you Michelle. Thank you for your courage to share with me and allowing me to share with others. I am so sorry for your loss.. but believe me when I say.. your Alex will not be forgotten.

I'm a long time blog reader, since before you brought Dennis home. I read your blog today and wanted to tell you something privately, seeing you on FB made it easy lol.

I fostered a little boy many yars ago. He was my nephew, but he became my son. He had FAS and Von Willebrands disease, CP, speech delays, an eating disorder, and just unbelievable behavior issues. When you say Alex can charm the pants off strangers, you hit the nail smack on the head. That was MY alex, too. He bit, made himself vomit, screamed, beat his head into the fllor, pooped his pants on purpose...the list just went on and on.

I wanted so much to love him, and I did, but it was SO complicated. He tested me to the extreme limits of my life. And like you, I was glad SOMEONE else saw it, because I didnt want to be alone, believing I was an animal for not loving him "right".

Christine, I made the decision to allow Alex to be adopted by another family. I to this day believe it was the best choice for HIM. Stay with me here, k, there's a reason Im writing. I wanted him to get what I couldn't give him. I just could NOT find unconditional love for this little boy. I nurtured him, loved him, tried so hard to be MOM. Mostly I cried and doubted myself. Because he was a foster child, the state still had tremendous input. After 3 yrs here, they saw my struggle. I finally admitted it, I couldnt LOVE him the way I was sure he needed, my love for him was different, I didnt believe it was enough.

With their prodding, we allowed him to start getting to know another family, to place him there, he would be an only child... beloved. I believed that with all of me. On Sept. 11, 2000, he came home from a visit with them and told me the man had punched him. With his speech delay, I couldn't be sure if he said pinched or punched, and he was a VERY spleeny boy, you couldn't look at him wihout him crying. I called the foster care agency. An hour later, armed men came and took him away. :( I watched him carried away screaming MOMMY, over their shoulders. I was so torn, absolutely desperate to save him, absolutely desperate to let him go. But not like THAT. The man had called DHS to say he saw ME hit Alex. I believe he heard Alex tell me, and had to beat me to the phone.

No one listened, they thought I just wanted to hang onto him. 14 days later, on Sept. 25th, I got a phone call. Alex was on life support. A few days later, we found out the man confessed to beating Alex, suffocating him, almost since the day he left us. Alex was 3 yrs and 8 months old when he left us. He was gone only 14 days when this man became overwhelmed with some trivial little Alex thing...he pooped his pants. He paid with his life.

At least *I* didnt hurt him. At least *I* could keep him alive, fed, and the very best semblance of a family I could offer. I was not a lot of things, but I could keep him safe. I could love him enough to do what was best for HIM, even when I didn't feel it way down deep in my bones. He needed a mom, and wouldn't it have been wonderful if I could just love him completely and totally? I couldnt. But I loved him enough that HE never knew otherwise. Even if I was just going through the motions, I still did it.

I got my Alex back in a tiny white coffin, in a size 3 suit I picked out. I buried him with his preschool t-shirt, he loved that place. I spoke his eulogy, and the words came out right, and yet I was beating myself up. I let him go. I let him DIE. The guilt and grief of that will never go away. I have a place for it now, ten years later. But all I have left of him is the tree we planted at his preschool...a flowering crab tree...fitting. The school knew. I knew. And YES, it would have been awesome if I could have just loved him enough. I didn't, not then. But after I buried him, I knew that at least he had love, at least he was safe, fed, smiled at, forgiven.

He had the best I could offer him, and I wish I had held on longer.

I could have learned as he grew that it didn't have to be the perfect love story to BE a love story.

I could have just raised him and stopped berating myself for not doing it RIGHT.

Some kids are tough, some kids take every single thing we have to give and leave us screaming that we TRIED. I'm not telling you what to do, or how to feel. Just that I know how you feel, and I know the despair. But it beats a headstone in the ground, it beats a little boy forever three. It was good enough, and it could have gotten better.

I would really recommend to you that you use that gorgeous huge family of yours to help you here. Let one of the girls who is very attached to him do that bonding thing, share with her that you struggle, and give him the gift of understanding YOU. Allow him to get that nurturing from someone who does feel it, I'm sure one of the girls is head over heels for him. Allow yourself to step back and provide him with all you CAN and recognize and forgive yourself for the parts you can't. It sure as hell beats an orphanage, doesn't it?

We aren't perfect, and just because we WANT to love someone "enough" doesn't mean we can.

Believe me, if I could go back, I'd steal him out of the arms of those men who carried him away and bring him back here today, and KNOW that loving him the way I loved him IS enough. Please understand that I dont mean to intrude. I just hear your pain. Lived it. And as bad as it is, it could be much worse, you could be watching a little tree grow from a tiny sprite of a thing to a towering beautiful strong thing...instead of watching HIM grow.

Lastly, I leave you with a video of Michelle's Alex. May he rest in peace.

Monkey See, Monkey Do

Jonny and Dennis can be two peas in a pod during the day. Often Jonny reads to his little brother... which is too precious for words.

But kids are not cute little angels all of the time.

Jonny and Dennis were goofing around. Jonny, the big brother was leading it up. The end result-- a new haircut for Dennis. Later, Dennis had to sit in the corner for opening up a can of soda without permission and cutting up playing cards with the same scissors that cut his hair. Monkey see, monkey do.

After a visit with Grandma and Grandpa, cards have become the hottest toy in our house.

Even Dennis and Alex like to pretend play poker.

Annalyn built this house of cards...

and now everyone is doing it. Monkey see, monkey do.

I have not posted much about Alex because I am embarrassed.. ashamed... not in the mood to hear-- "I told you so." To say that he challenges me to the ends of the earth would be an understatement. Many days I feel like he brings out the worst in me and I resent it when I let him set my tone for the day. Thankfully, the school sees it too because if they didn't I am sure that would add a whole new dimension to my frustration. At this point, I know that I need to love him more, cuddle with him more... and intentionally engage in his life way more than I do. It is just hard to do when a child screams in your face, gags and vomits if he is not in the mood to eat, hits and more recently bites, and pushes the limits to see what he can get away with. His smile can charm the pants off a stranger, but often it feels like salt in my wound.

I know... I know... I know that this has way more to do with me than it has to do with him. What better way to teach patience than to be paired with a child who demands it to the very core? If I can look past the behaviors and see the little boy that stole my heart the first time I laid eyes on him, I will have learned what it means to truly love. Because right now, I am having a hard time. I want to get past the love out of duty and back into the love from desire.

Lord, help me to set my own selfish feelings aside... my pride.. and my desire for the easy life. Help me to see Alex's joy, his honest attempts to do what is right, and may I let my guard down enough to experience the joy of loving him for who he is.

I share this with you because our life is not all about smiles all of the time. If you have someone in your life that is hard to love... I am here to say that it is okay that it is hard. I have recently realized that. Though I am embarrassed and ashamed to admit that it is hard for me to love every single person the same no matter what-- I just can't use it as an excuse to stop trying. Because I can't. I am called to love. We are called to love.

Recently the house has turned into a crocheting/knitting parlor. Boom-- overnight-- and all the girls are doing it. Monkey see, monkey do. Anastasia could not get the hang of knitting so I encouraged Julia to teach her how to crochet. Anastasia picked that right up and is now on her way to crocheting a whole scarf.

The girls love to listen to music while they are busy with their yarn. Sveta is taking a break while listening to one of her favorite songs. Julia crocheted this hat today and is nearly finished with another one. If you ask me, it looks like the girls are preparing for another fundraiser or something.

Paul and Jonny were begging Julia to teach them how to crochet. Since it was past their bedtime, I told them it would have to wait until tomorrow.

Meeting the Social Worker

Today was a busy day. We had Galina's big social worker visit. Since it was over 60 miles away, and morning traffic can last for hours here in Southern California, we left really early. Really, really early.

And guess what.

There was hardly any traffic. So we got to the social worker's office almost an hour and a half early.

Of course they couldn't see us early because of prior appointments.

You should have seen us. At their suggestion, we hung out and walked around the building-- driving the security guard nuts.

"Don't let your kid walk there."
"I just don't want him to fall."
"They can't play there."

Is it bad to say that inside I was laughing at the poor guy? I was tempted to tell him to take a chill pill.
Finally, the social worker came outside to greet us. Part of me thinks the security guard called up to her office and pleaded her to come and get us.

Thankfully, she was very nice. Half way through she admitted that she had been dreading this visit knowing that so many kids would be occupying the waiting room and two small meeting rooms. But the kids were great! Enough so, that she felt it was safe to admit that she had expected them to be way more rambunctious.

"Good thing you had us run around outside first!" I thought to myself.

John and I were surprised to leave with a huge list of things that still need to be done. Galina's Russian Birth certificate doesn't have an authenticated translation so we have to have it translated by someone here. We also have to provide copies of our health insurance, car insurance, life insurance, DMV printouts, and 2010 tax documents.

Ugh. But Galina is worth it. Yes she is.

The one bummer is that this will be the longest adoption to complete... ever for us. Not that it is even remotely complicated, because it is not. Nope. They are just busy. So we were told to expect March of 2012.

Imagine

I am currently reading Ronald J. Sider's book, "Rich Christians in an Age of Hunger." It gives a vivid look into the harsh reality for millions of people in this world. Early on in the book Sider sets the stage by giving us an example of what it would be like to live like more than half of the world...

"We begin by invading the house of our imaginary American family to strip it of its furniture. Everything goes: beds, chairs, tables, television sets, lamps. We will leave the family with a few old blankets, a kitchen table, and a wooden chair. Along with the bureaus go the clothes. Each member of the family may keep in his "wardrobe" his oldest suit or dress, a shirt or blouse. We will permit a pair of shoes for the head of the family, but none for the wife or children.

We move to the kitchen. The appliances have already been taken out, so we turn to the cupboards... The box of matches may stay, a small bag of flour, some sugar, and salt. A few moldy potatoes, already in the garbage can, must be hastily rescued, for they will provide much of tonight's meal. We will leave a handful of onions, and a dish of dried beans. All the rest we take away; the meat, the fresh vegetables, the canned goods, the crackers, the candy.

Now we have stripped the house: the bathroom has been dismantled, the running water shut off, the electric wires taken out. Next we take away the house. The family can move to the tool shed...

Communications must go next. No more newspapers, magazines, books- not that they are missed, since we must take away our family's literacy as well. Instead, in our shantytown we will allow one radio...

Now government services must go. No more postman, no more firemen. There is a school, but it is three miles away and consists of two classrooms...There are, of course, no hospitals or doctors nearby. The nearest clinic is ten miles away and is tended by a mid-wife. It can be reached by bicycle, provided the family has one, which is unlikely...

Finally, money. We will allow our family a cash hoard of $5.00. This will prevent our breadwinner from experiencing the tragedy of an Iranian peasant who went blind because he could not raise the $3.94, which he mistakenly thought he needed to receive admission to a hospital were he could have been cured."

There is no doubt in my mind that this is how millions of people live. It breaks my heart. Why do I have so much... and they so little? A bigger question that I ask myself is, "What am I going to do about it?"

Taking Me Literally

Yesterday William caught a beautiful blue belly lizard. He handled it gently (after all these years), but I was still concerned that it might die from overhandling. It looked pregnant too. William asked if he could catch more lizards and I said no. I thought end of story.

But today, he asked again while holding a nice box set up as a lizard home. Concerned that he might hurt one accidentally, I encouraged him to go catch a bee.

"How do I do that Mom?"
I explained to him carefully and thought he would lose interest quickly.
Afterall, who actually catches bees?

The answer-- William. I kid you not. Just five minutes later he comes running in to show me that he caught a bee in a bottle. I could hardly believe it.

Our house is filled with family. Grandma and Grandpa are here... so is Aunt Tanya. We had Asian Turkey Burgers with Alfalfa Sprouts and now everyone is playing games. The older kids are out bowling. Tomorrow Andrew and Paul have a baseball game. As for the weekend, I am looking forward to spending time with family and relaxing.

Finding the Joy

The smell of fresh baked brownies fill the air. Not the kind from a box, but the kind that begin with little squares of unsweetened chocolate. Oh my, are these decadent. Sure, any kind of brownies quickly satisfy my sweet tooth, but when you take the time to bake them from scratch-- the reward is tenfold.

Now I have to be honest. I did not bake them. Julia and the girls did. But I like to think that I helped a little-- after all, I bought the squares of chocolate and encouraged the girls to see what true baking was all about. As they licked the buttery, brown gold from the bowl, they could already tell the difference.

Bottom line-- My small contribution opened the doors wide open for my daughters to experience something wonderful.

Caleb has been doing lots of work this week. He is earning the money he needs for the Mexico Mission Trip he is going on next week. Yard work, washing our vehicles inside and out, and cleaning out the garage are just a few of the things I have him doing. I am so excited to see how God is going to work in him this next week!

The girls are getting along great, and our time in the desert seems to have brought them closer.
I love how resourceful they are-- playing poker can last for hours as can jumping on the trampoline or taking a walk to the park. Of course things are not always perfect-- a broken MP3 player, a misplaced pair of pants, a "he said-- she said" disagreement-- but nothing they cannot work through.

In the last month, we have been blessed to learn about an amazing ministry called River of Joy. If you take a few moments to read their mission you would better understand the great need that exists in orphan care, and evangelism that can revitalize a whole village! So much is at stake for these children who may never have a family, never know the joy of living in Christ. River of Joy is hosting two camps this summer that will enable the poorest orphans in Crimea to come and enjoy the beauty of God's creation, the love that only He can pour out, good fun, games, singing, crafts-- a once in a life opportunity for these children.

Doesn't that sound exciting? Are you wondering how you can be a part of this amazing ministry? How would you feel to know that your small donation made it possible for a child to come spend time at this camp where their cups can finally be filled? Not only would you be the stepping stone for a child to be filled with renewed hope, but you would be able to experience the pure joy of giving freely to the least of these. Come check out River of Joy and see all that happened during the last camp there!

Please consider what role you can play in this ministry. A few of my girls shared with me what camp meant to them. It was a break from the daily reminder that they had very little to look forward to. It was an opportunity for them to have fun, run around, laugh... just be a kid. They were hugged, nurtured, encouraged, fussed over... paid attention to-- all things a child needs in order to blossom. Most of all they were taught that God loves them. What a difference it would make in the lives of children to be given this same opportunity!

Just imagine what your small contribution can do for a child!

Doing Life

The week has been going well since I got back from my weekend at the beach. Though I was fully prepared to live out the weekend with a mug of hot chocolate in hand playing Balderdash with my friends, God had other plans. My weekend consisted of long walks on the beach and lounging on the "poop deck". It was a time to confide in friends new and old, and to comfort one who I hadn't hugged in months. The food was great, but the fellowship was better. Claudette and myself taking a stroll on the beach. I just love these two crazy ladies! Tina and Jennifer always come up with the most outrageous get-ups! Too fun! After driving around way too long we found a restaurant. Tina and I decided to share the chicken piccata. As we divided up our plates, I was left with majority of the delicious wine sauce. Tina politely asked if she could dip her chicken in my sauce. I didn't mind and so she went ahead and dipped nearly every bite of her food in my sauce. As people watched us, I can only imagine what crossed their minds. But who cares! You should have seen us share our chocolate molten cake! For whatever reason, I brought home lots of food from the weekend including some "gag me" hummus spinach dip. A quick dare by one of the kids turned into a hummus eating contest. Galina bowed out quickly, followed by Rachel and then Jonny. Sveta won first and later Anna finished up her hummus sandwich so that they each won ten bucks! I am pretty sure the kids will not forget this and will be laughing about it for years to come. Rachel asked if she could make Ukranian candy that her and her brother used to make-- a long time ago. I was not too excited at first but I knew Rachel would enjoy making it and the kids would enjoy eating it-- so why not? Later that evening some wonderful memories were shared about "orphanage life". One thing I was not expecting was when Annalyn opened up. Up until this evening Annalyn had always been sad and teary-eyed when sharing about her prior life. Having been mentally, spiritually, verbally, and physically abused was no laughing matter... until now. As she openly confided to her sisters and I, she broke out into laughter. I encouraged it and we all laughed along with her. After all these years she was finally laughing about it. Why? Because she was free. She was finally no longer the victim and she could finally feel sorry for the people who hurt her most. And like I said-- I was not expecting this. And yet, I could see that my daughter was finally free-- free-- to be who she was meant to be. And wow, what an unexpected gift. The kids love when I buy them something special-- something as simple as a bag of peanuts. Paul spent nearly an hour shelling a handful so that he could take the peanuts for his school snack. He was proud-- his smile said it all! This picture of Julia and Adam made me smile. She is helping him with his socks because after all-- it is a long way for him to reach down to his feet. Tonight we are having meatloaf. The kids were so excited to help that Anastasia was happy to cut onions. Soon she realized why I always cry when I cut onions. Bless her heart though.. she stuck it out till the job was done. Julia baked cookies. And I had fun chasing my kids around with the camera while they had their mouths stuffed with their afternoon snack! Gotcha! Anna was a great sport and smiled! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Caleb is going to Mexico next week-- for his first official mission trip. Is it preparing him for something bigger? Only time will tell. Dennis went to the occularist on Monday, the dentist on Tuesday, and will see the ENT tomorrow. I also registered him for kindergarten. Today I had William's IEP-- and I am not pleased with how it went. I agreed to reconvene in a week to meet with the special ed director, but now I am having second thoughts. William wants out of speech, with cutbacks I am having second thoughts as to what more they can do, and with William being homeschooled next year-- I feel like I am done with this battle. I pray for peace about this turn of events as I hand this one over to God once and for all. We only have a few more weeks of homeschool, but I am determined to finish strong. So are the kids!

It snowed today !

Christine is out so I thought I was sleeping in today!

But nope!

At 7:00am kids were screaming about the snow!

(first time ever for many with snow at their house!)

Here's a shot from my bedroom:

Here's more!

And finally a movie of William destroying the snowman Julia built.

(Of course with permission)

--JR

More Than A Blur

As I sat and watched my children do their watercolors in art class yesterday, I couldn't believe my eyes. The transformation from a blur of colors to a unique and beautiful display of art made me once again see the miracle of adoption and raising children. At first my kids could not see how their painting would amount to much, but as they continued to pour their love and effort into it, it gradually became what you see now-- the labor of their hard work, faithfulness to see it to the end, and though they all had set out to do the same task-- each turned out unlike the other.

They are all so beautiful in their own way-- I love them all!

If you didn't notice, Andrew's is missing. That little stinker took it to his teacher this morning.

The immense satisfaction of creating something so beautiful made my children so proud of themselves. If only all children had an outlet for their inner creativity. If I ever did a summer camp for children in orphanages, I would definitely encourage this activity.

~~~

Hope you have a wonderful weekend. I am heading out in a few hours-- running around doing last minute food preparations and home school.

It's All How You Look At It

How is that your glass can be half empty... much of the time and then all of a sudden it is spilling over with this intense gratitude for your children and husband? One moment you feel like you are up to your eyeballs in frustration, impatience, and discontent and an hour later you can see the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

It all matters how you look at things... or don't look at things. Are you intentionally looking for God's blessings that creatively take the form of all your daughters giggling and laughing at their spur of the moment leg shaving slumber party, or a little boy proudly boasting that he brushed his teeth all by himself, or your first worm in your compost pile? Do you even consider things such as a cold coke hiding in the back of the fridge or having a pleasant conversation with a sibling a blessing?

How are you doing life? Are you going through the motions or are you choosing to look for the little things that can make your cup runneth over? Do you dread pulling back the covers in the morning or do you give your hubby one last snuggle before waking up the kids as you thank God for your good night's sleep? Are you excited that your freezer has tonight's dinner fixings or do you loathe having to cook yet another meal for you family?

As I get older, I can finally feel the loss of having looked at my glass as half empty for so many years. Though I have recently began to live life in closer intimacy with my Father God allowing Him to fill my cup, I do wonder what I have already missed out on. Maybe I would have other children, maybe I would be living somewhere else, maybe my loved ones would also have a relationship with Him.

I know that with God it is never too late, and I can see how my past has paved my desire to live in His will today--- he has even used my past to passionately share the Gospel with my children so that they can realize what a blessing it is to living their life for Him now in the present.

Wow! All I can say is wow! I probably sound like I am rambling, but I can't help it. I just know, and feel, and can see all the little things that make my cup runneth over. Nothing huge by any means, just lots of little things-- but I can see them clear as day. It makes life so much easier when I have my cup as a reminder of all the good things in my life. It doesn't keep the bad things from happening-- I rather see the cup as God's gentle reminder that there is always goodness in my life simply because He gave me life. He chose to breath life into me-- little ol' me. And He breathed life into you too.

So how do you view your cup? Is it needing a refill, or is it plenty full with the little blessings that God brings you through your family, your morning devotional with Him, your extra hour to sleep in, your job, your church, your freshly washed basket of laundry, your husband, your morning cup of coffee, or your good morning kiss from a little boy with a milk mustache?

I encourage you to take a few moments and spend some quiet time reflecting on the last few days. Jot down five blessings that fill your cup. Even if they seem insignificant by themselves, when they are coupled with other little blessings they add up to something so much more. Together, God uses them to fill your cup so that it could runneth over with His love and grace that He has for you. And if you have time, I'd love it if you shared them too. As a friend always says to me as we part from our conversation-- "Be blessed!"

Anticipation

This week has flown by. I am in awe of what God is doing in our family and I guess being in the midst of it all makes the time fly. Reading Redeeming Love to the girls in the evening has become such an anticipated event that the evenings run fairly smooth-- or else I don't read that night.

Nearly every one of my kids has been to the dentist in the last two weeks. Eleven kids and ten cavities later-- I can't wait till we are dentist appointment free for the next six months. One of my children said we should move to another country where people don't go to the dentist. I told her to be careful what she wishes for.

The morning of my mammogram, I had to reschedule because they didn't have the right code. Thankfully, I had only waited for twenty minutes before they figured that one out. I took Galina across the street for her blood test not because she needs one, but because our new doctor routinely gives them for physicals. Wouldn't you know it--they couldn't find a vein to poke and sent us home with instructions to drink more water. I was nearly in tears about the hour of waiting being lost until the tech promised that she would not make us wait when we came back. Let's just say-- Galina has been floating for the last thirty-six hours.

Paul went on his first field trip today. His smile was pretty darn big when he got home indicating that it went well. I'm glad except for now Jonny keeps wondering when the home schoolers are going on a field trip. Good question.

Today we discussed Rachel's high school plan. What it boils down to is this-- Rachel needs an IEP. This will help determine her curriculum all through high school. Without one, she will be expected to take regular classes where she will struggle all over again. I am expected to put my request in writing and see what happens. If getting Rachel tested turns out to be a battle, I will seriously consider homeschooling her on my own without the help of a charter.

While shopping at Costco tonight I learned something new about my newest daughter. Not only does she love fish, but she loves smoked salmon even more! Only having cooked fish sticks a handful of times in fifteen years, it was a stretch for me to put the fresh salmon in our cart. As I looked at Galina's smile with delight, I felt it was the least I could do to show her my love. She would have preferred the smoked salmon but I told her that would be saved for her birthday!

In just two days, I am off to my women's getaway on the beach! I am so excited! Though some might think I could really use the time away, there are ladies that are coming that need it so much more. If you could just take a moment to lift them up in prayer, you would be blessing them a whole bunch.

I Really Don't Enjoy It

Funny how my kids think that I "enjoy" being the parent. I get to tell them what to do, when to do it, and if they don't-- I get the fun of disciplining them. Oh yea, what fun. If only they knew how hard it was. And so I told them. "It is not easy. It brings me so much sadness to have to take this away from you. I wonder if I am making the right decision. I battle with picking and choosing which issues I want to address by deciding which one is bigger or if I should not fight a particular battle at all. I wish you could understand how hard it is to have to discipline you even though I am doing it out of love. Only when you are a parent will you truly understand. Once you are grown we can be friends, but for now, I am the parent and you are the child."

Now I share, a few stories.
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One of my older boys was "addicted" to an online game. He plays it all the time and gets grumpy if he has not had his "fix". It has nothing to do with the opposite sex-- in fact it is fairly harmless. The main issue I have is that he plays it too much and cannot keep it to a few hours a day. He still gets excellent grades. On one hand I am incredibly thankful that this is where his interest lies rather than with girls, going out, and getting into trouble, but on the other hand, I feel like I am tolerating his endless hours on the computer to keep him from moving onto more risque activities. After trying to come up with a reasonable schedule for his computer usage resulting in chores and family members being ignored, I took away his computer privilege. When I did this, I literally almost cried for him as I watched him end his membership. At first it was hard on him, but he is now participating in the family more, and returning to his old self. Yes, I may have my son back, but nothing about this was fun. Though I questioned my decision, I can already see a different child.
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One of my daughters likes to "dress up". From the shadow on her eyelids, to the chain around her neck, to the bow in her hair, to the lotion on her hands, down to her shoes, she likes to look attractive. There is not necessarily anything wrong with this except for the fact that it appears that this is where she finds her worth-- in her appearance. For church on Sunday when she especially wants to look her best for God, I have questioned her motives. Is she really wanting to do this for God, or is she so insecure that she needs to look beautiful in order to draw attention to herself? I remind her how beautiful her heart is (and her natural beauty on the outside) and that if she were really wanting to be her best for God she would spend time preparing her heart for His message and make sure to keep the attention off herself by not "dressing up" so much. Afterall, Church on Sunday is where we come together and worship as a body of Believers in God-- not to worship one the Reed girls. Praising God for her response.
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It is easy to assume that with such a large family with many kids in the same age range, we would be dealing with most of the same issues. In some ways that is true, but on most levels that is so not the case. Each child has such a unique personality, and each child is in a different place in their life. Six of my girls are seventeen months apart from youngest to oldest, but their maturity levels vary greatly. While vanity is an issue with a few of my girls, some of them are so far from it.... like a breath of fresh air. Some are characterized by helping around the house without no lip service while one or two of them insist on finding the loophole and then arguing till they are blue in the face once their behavior is brought to light. A few of my girls are content loving animals, while some are planning their weddings. What I find truly amazing, is how God stitched our family together. He knows how I am... and He knows how they are. Though our personalities clash at times, and our lives would hardly be considered peaceful and quiet-- we compliment each other in ways only God could have orchestrated. He has blessed us beyond measure with each other.

Through the good times and bad.... the smiles and trials-- he never gives us more than we can handle.
And during the times when I question that, I remember....
With Him all things are possible.

For Some Crazy Reason...

my girls have this overwhelming desire to learn Russian. As I type this, they are next to me learning how to pronounce certain words. :)

The Example to Live By

Adoption has been a life changing journey in my life. As a daughter to just my earthly mother and father, I only knew a love far greater when I was accepted with open arms into my Heavenly Father's eternal family when He adopted me as His beloved daughter. At that moment, I felt so special... rested in peace for the first time knowing that I was to be forever His.... forever and forever.

My Heavenly Father is so much more than just my Father-- He is my example. And I am totally undeserving of His love.. His grace... His perfect presence in my life.

The romantic side of me hopes that my children felt the same way when we first adopted them. It would sure make adoption so much easier. But oh how I know all too well, that that most likely wasn't the case. It's not their fault... they are merely children and to expect them to understand adoption at that level is way too much to ask. As the parent, I want to teach them that their adoption was just as special. Though I've been welcomed into His family with open arms-- I struggle moment by moment with living up to my redemption. I think we all do.

I am jealous of others. I am envious too. I yell and I scream and I make countless mistakes. I fight the temptation of other idols... daily. I compare my sins to others. I seek justice--better known as revenge-- often seeking to do things better, faster, and more to my liking. I am manipulative without even trying, and I pretend that I have it all together when I don't. I get angry, I can be resentful, and I struggle to find the joy that surrounds my very being. I'm not very gentle, I worry, and keep a record of wrong without even trying. I put myself above others, I put others above God, and I struggle to accept that in God's eyes I am beautiful.

And yet He gives His love unconditionally.... never ceasing.... and though my faith walk comes and goes with the tide.... I always come back stronger than ever because I know that He hasn't turned His back on me. He is my Father, I am His child--- only through adoption.

This is my example.
My gentle, gracious, wonderful, amazing, example.

When one of my children yell at me... this is my example. When one of my children disobey me day in and day out for days on end... He is my example. When one of my children hits another one of my children, pulls out my freshly planted flowers, and pees in the pool on purpose... He is my example. On the days that I have been pushed to edge, instigated to lose my temper, and left made to feel inadequate by one of my children... He is my example. When one of my children become forgetful,manipulative, or disrespectful... He is forever and ever my example.

And so I have a choice. What am I going to do with that example? I could ignore it and allow myself to slowly suffocate in the endless sea of muck that sin represents... and eventually... I would either stop fighting and drown, or I would become bitter and hardened to it and let it feed into me-- thus destroying us all.

Or I can daily ask him to fill me with grace, enough to pour over into my children. They need it too. As time goes on, and I learn to joyfully.... wholeheartedly live because of my adoption, I pray that God uses me to help my children live life bathed in grace because of theirs.

May I follow God's example as to plant a deep desire in my children to grow closer to Him-- the One who began it all.... and showed through example, the redemptive love that only adoption can provide.

Okay.. I Have to Admit..

today I watched last night's episode of Grey's Anatomy. First time in many months. I blame it on Adrienne for dangling the carrot. I had to see what she was talking about. BTW, I enjoyed the musical very much. You can watch it here.