Julie Tocher said...
I have been seriously considering adopting a child from an International adoption. I read your blog faithfully, but I read a lot of International Adoption family blogs and it seems like there are sooo many kids with RAD and I worry about that. Do any of your kids have RAD? If so, have you seen improvements?
January 21, 2011 4:54 PM
Debora said...
If this is not too personal, I would like to know if any of your kids have RAD (or that you suspect it). I know you've adopted from disruptions, and disruptions always make me wonder about RAD being a possible reason. But please, if it's too personal, don't worry about answering.
January 24, 2011 8:38 AM
You know, I still don't quite get RAD. From everything I have read RAD basically means that a child has attachment issues that result in them not caring if they were a part of your family or not. And because of that lack of attachment they act out in many different ways. (And if I am wrong please correct me.) I do not see this in any of our kids. Now that is not to say that they do not have very RAD-like behaviors from time to time-- but as a parent to both biological and adopted children-- I really see no difference. In all honesty, I think my feelings, my intolerance, my own inability to attach the way I should causes more problems than my children's behavior. Just like my kids' behaviors can set the tone of my attitude for the day-- so can my attitude influence my kids' behaviors.
Oh, and I am not into that reverse psychology though I tried it a few times and thought that I was the smart one. Sure, I can tell them to slam the door and get them not to, but what does that teach them? That they should do the opposite because they can? That I think they are too dumb to understand what I am trying to do? No thank you. I personally would be very ticked off if someone tried to use reverse psychology on me. I do not play those games- and I tell my kids just that.
Just like I tell them when I have had enough, or that the mess in the house is making me grumpy, or that I need a break, or that I have changed my mind, or that I am incredibly proud of them for the good choices they have been making lately but that I am afraid that me telling them is going to get them to make a bad choice because I noticed the good behavior when I shouldn't have.
Now with all that said, most of our children that were adopted came to us with guarded hearts and I used to personally take it as a form of rejection because they didn't want to talk when I wanted to hear their whole life stories. Well-- that is not going to happen immediately and once I learned that, I began accepting the pace at which my children began to reveal their feelings to me. I refer to this as the open window, because once they begin sharing intimate details of their lives with me, I know that their trust in me is growing. And as they share with me, I share with them, encouraging them to open up even more. That means that I have shared embarrassing stories, sad stories, even things that I wish I had never done. See, adoption related issues may not be adoption related at all-- we just see them that way because they happen to be happening with an adopted child. Once we get past that stigma that certain behaviors stem primarily because a child was adopted, we see the child for who they are... a child.
If I am brutally honest with myself-- many of my own behaviors as a child mirror those that are described in children who are diagnosed as having RAD-- and I did not and do not have RAD. Once I figured this out, it was a turning point for me as a parent.
Michelle said... aside from the question i asked about if you're going to do a post about Galina so we can know more about her, where she's from, all that sort of info like you did when Annalyn & Rachel joined your family, i've got a couple others. :-)i've always wondered if any of your adopted children have any type of desire to go back to their country of birth, either to learn about the culture or find info about their past. is this something you would support when they are adults? would you want to go with them if things worked out for that to be possible?also, how is it working out with having Galina come along so soon after Paul & Anastasia? i know the reason most agencies say you have to wait a certain amount of time between adoptions is so that all the family members can sort of find their place in the new balance of things, and i was wondering how your family is doing with having one very new addition & two relatively new ones, and especially how Anastasia & Paul feel about it.how is bonding going with Galina? i'm not sure if you knew her or OF her before she came for respite or how long she's been officially part of the family, but i know it's all still very new & have been praying for both her & the rest of your family as you all bond & figure out the family dynamics.and finally... what do you all think of your new location? from what i can tell you'd been in your previous area for many years and i know you have enough changes going on with the adoptions so the move is a pretty big deal. are you & John glad you moved? how are the kids adjusting? January 21, 2011 3:24 PM
At first none of the kids wanted to ever go back to their birth countries except maybe Rachel. Since I absolutely loved my visits to both Russia and Ukraine (outside of getting post-partum adoption blues while in Russia adopting Anna and Sveta) I found it sad that they didn't want to even discuss Russia or Ukraine let alone go back for a visit. I so wanted them to have some fond memories of where they spent their formative years. After helping them to see the good things about their birth countries and allowing them to feel encouraged to speak about them open and freely, I think they would all jump at the chance to go back for a visit. And honestly, I think one of the best things we could ever do would be to take the kids back for a visit so that their birth country could see how well they are flourishing! It was a wonderful thing when we took Dennis with us to Ukraine.
When Galina came to stay with us, I don't think Anastasia and Paul thought much of it. When we told them that Galina was going to be their sister, they smiled and appeared very happy. Like I said in a previous post-- the two of them couldn't be more happy-go-lucky, well adjusted kids. I can't explain it any better than this-- we are just blessed with how easily they have adjusted to family life.
Brenda said... My question is...do you have the same "problems" with your 3 girls that were re-adopted by you, that their first families had? Or do they just fit in better with your family and you don't have the same troubles? Everybody seems so happy and they just seem to fit in so well. January 21, 2011 4:52 PM
When we adopted our daughters the problems that the first families had didn't just disappear. We had to deal with those same problems and still deal with a few of them. But we knew what we were getting into and because of that we parented accordingly-- and that has been a big key. I wish I could explain it better-- it would be so much easier if you were just a fly on the wall.
P.S. I know that RAD exists and people have it, but I was asked to share about my experience and so I have. So sorry it hit such a raw nerve with so many of you. Though my gut reaction was to remove the post because of the negative comments, I will keep on my big girl pants. You are entitled to raise your children your way with your views and your thoughts and your ideals and your morals and so am I. That is the beauty and God given gift called life.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Our Home Today
Anonymous said... What are the sleeping arrangements like in your house? I'm assuming that your kids share rooms, how does that work out? Do you sort by age? By genders? By when they entered the family? January 21, 2011 8:06 PM
Kathy said... Hi, first I want to say I love your blog. I've lurked for a long time. I just love reading about the closeness of your family. My questions are...How do you handle sleeping arrangements? How many kids are there per bedroom ? The reason I ask is I try to give my teens their own space and that works really well for them, but my twins share a room and they fight like cats and dogs.Second question is how did you get involved in doing respite? I think I would like to do it, maybe for families who have adopted from Haiti and Africa.Thanks in advanced and have a blessed day. January 23, 2011 4:29 AM
It is hard to believe that this used to be what our home looked like when we first moved in. The inside was no different. It has come a long way though.... we have come a long way. I must say the journey has not been easy-- so many of us are still dealing with our "home sickness."
This is what are backyard looks like today.
I show it because it is an extension of our house. The kids love it back here-- and when weather permits this is where they are.
The trampoline was the best gift in the whole wide world for our family. It is played on for hours everyday!
Our home has seven bedrooms. William, Paul, Andrew, and Jonny share this room. At our other house the boys were split- but this works so much better for them. They each have one dresser drawer, one bin underneath the bed, and they all share the closet.
It is more than enough space because right outside their room is this loft where they play and horse around.
It is a huge blessing to have this linen closet. It too becomes another play room.
This is John and my bedroom. The extra bed works out great for naps and midnight visitors.
Julia crocheted the round pillows to match our bedding.
Since we don't watch much television anymore, I have began reading again. The glass, peach jar is a gift that John gave me many years ago. It is filled with all the reasons why he loves me, and though I don't read through them very often, it sits as a reminder that I do have a most wonderful and loving husband.
Kathy said... Hi, first I want to say I love your blog. I've lurked for a long time. I just love reading about the closeness of your family. My questions are...How do you handle sleeping arrangements? How many kids are there per bedroom ? The reason I ask is I try to give my teens their own space and that works really well for them, but my twins share a room and they fight like cats and dogs.Second question is how did you get involved in doing respite? I think I would like to do it, maybe for families who have adopted from Haiti and Africa.Thanks in advanced and have a blessed day. January 23, 2011 4:29 AM
It is hard to believe that this used to be what our home looked like when we first moved in. The inside was no different. It has come a long way though.... we have come a long way. I must say the journey has not been easy-- so many of us are still dealing with our "home sickness."
This is what are backyard looks like today.
I show it because it is an extension of our house. The kids love it back here-- and when weather permits this is where they are.
The trampoline was the best gift in the whole wide world for our family. It is played on for hours everyday!
Our home has seven bedrooms. William, Paul, Andrew, and Jonny share this room. At our other house the boys were split- but this works so much better for them. They each have one dresser drawer, one bin underneath the bed, and they all share the closet.
It is more than enough space because right outside their room is this loft where they play and horse around.
It is a huge blessing to have this linen closet. It too becomes another play room.
This is John and my bedroom. The extra bed works out great for naps and midnight visitors.
Julia crocheted the round pillows to match our bedding.
Since we don't watch much television anymore, I have began reading again. The glass, peach jar is a gift that John gave me many years ago. It is filled with all the reasons why he loves me, and though I don't read through them very often, it sits as a reminder that I do have a most wonderful and loving husband.
When choosing whom the girls would share a room with, we took a few things into consideration. Not only did we want to consider their input, but we also put the girls together who we thought would compliment each other according to their strengths and weaknesses.
This is Galina and Julia's room.
Annalyn and Rachel share this room.
Sveta, Anna, and Anastasia share this Justin Beiber shrine for a bedroom.
Annalyn and Rachel share this room.
Sveta, Anna, and Anastasia share this Justin Beiber shrine for a bedroom.
Alex and Dennis share this room-- they share the bottom bed too since they don't like being alone.
Adam and Caleb share the only bedroom downstairs.
For me, pictures help turn a house into a home. Though I have displayed a lot of them, as you can see I still have lots to do. In the corner is our family sock basket.
This is our family room.
This is our office where all the computers are out in the open.
This is our office where all the computers are out in the open.
Tara said...
What would you do if one of your children was gay? Whether or not you think it is a choice, what if your child came to you. This is a very honest question and I'm just curious to know how you guys would handle that. I hope this is not too personal but if it is, please don't answer :)Take care Christine
January 22, 2011 12:10 AM
What would you do if one of your children was gay? Whether or not you think it is a choice, what if your child came to you. This is a very honest question and I'm just curious to know how you guys would handle that. I hope this is not too personal but if it is, please don't answer :)Take care Christine
January 22, 2011 12:10 AM
Interestingly enough, I got this question more than once. Though it is a personal one, I don't mind answering it. Had you asked me 10 years ago, my answer would have been very different. I am embarrassed at what my answer would have been back then. But God has changed me and taught me lots about love. If one of my children came to me and shared that they were gay, I would choose to love them above all else. Honestly, I am not sure how that would look like right now because I cannot say how God's influence will have changed me even more by then and I would have to get over the initial shock, but I know that I would choose to love.... period.
Anonymous said...
How much, if any, Russian is spoken by the children among one another? Have any struggled a lot in learning English? Do you try to maintain some knowledge of their native language or is the focus on English? I know that's alot of questions, but I would love to read a post on language in general and weather losing their first language causes sadness or regret in any of your children. Thank you! Love the question posts.
January 22, 2011 9:24 AM
How much, if any, Russian is spoken by the children among one another? Have any struggled a lot in learning English? Do you try to maintain some knowledge of their native language or is the focus on English? I know that's alot of questions, but I would love to read a post on language in general and weather losing their first language causes sadness or regret in any of your children. Thank you! Love the question posts.
January 22, 2011 9:24 AM
Our Russian is really bad so we don't use it too much unless we are fooling around. Even Anastasia and Paul rarely use their Russian anymore even when a Russian relative comes over like the other day. I think they just really want to communicate with all of us in English and so they choose to loose their native language because it is hard to maintain two languages. This doesn't seem to generate much sadness for any of our kids-- and they don't harbor any ill feelings that we ripped them from their culture. I think all of them realize that the love of a family outweighs the loss of their native language. Six months later, their understanding of the English language is still minimal, but they are growing by leaps and bounds every day! I am certain that they are learning faster than I would be if the tables were reversed.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
Thanks and Thanks
Anonymous said...
'I dont mean to be offensive,' really. But how do you decide that at some point, theres some people who really intend to offend you? They just hope by saying that they dont want to offend, that makes it ok. Every decision you make for your present or future kids, may not be the same decision I would make for mine. Humans have choices. But please dont let people make you doubt yourself. Your children are all productive members of society. Sure they may cross the line every once in awhile, but they are still children. All children, adopted or birthed, have the right to make mistakes, an error in judgement. But at the end of the day, you know that you are raising your kids right. Even if you have 30 of them. Although,you may have to eventually employ a bathroom clean up crew at some point, just for the girls.
January 22, 2011 9:32 PM
I believe Anonymous may have been referring to this recent comment.
Asiya said...
Frankly, a birthday is a celebration of who an individual was, is and could be. It is a celebration of life. A celebration of what God created.No one should be denied this celebration, or the simple gifts and joy of it...because another does not approve of behaviour. Punishments and learning through loss of privledges should be saved for when they can be used to the best effect for all.Not as a way for one person to get personal satisfaction, and indulge in their own anger.I am surprised that you used such a blessed event to soothe your own wounds, and make youself feel better.Issues such as hers are not going to be resloved if you do not celebrated who she could be, if you make a birthday a privledge that is based only on your perception of good behaviour.She does need much work...but obviously so do you.
January 21, 2011 3:26 AM
When I first read it, I immediately began my defensive response. I was half way through when I stopped and closed the browser. I walked away. I wondered why I put myself out there yet again. I could have just as easily kept it nice and fluffy.... and fake. A few hours later I came back to my computer to find this email. God yet again showed me why I should continue "keeping it real."
My Dearest Sister in Christ and fellow swamp sister,
I have figured out why I have such a hard time reading the negative comments you receive from your blog. I am a mom who trudges through the swampy mud of parenting a difficult child, just like you, and when someone judges you for your feelings and actions, I too feel judged. We have begun seeing a family therapist for Mary. Her anger got so out of control that she began to refuse to eat, broke the metal brackets in her mouth (braces) and began to pull out her hair. Many a times I felt like sending her to you for help. The therapist has been a wonderful for us. I prayed and prayed and God said that He sent Ms. Day to us for help. Mary self-sabotages pleasure of any kind and lashes out at me the most because she is at war with herself to receive my love, which is what she wants more than anything in the world. Ms. Day has helped me with my feelings as well. I share many of your feelings that you expressed in your blog. Anyone who questions your love, resolve and compassion is an idiot. Living with such an angry child has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. Mary has a long road to retrain her brain to receive pleasure without self sabotage. We have to be constantly watching her cues for anger and help her to choose to reject the anger. It is exhausting. Mary may have to look at residential treatment for help, but for now, she is able to be home. It has been disrupting to the entire family. It is the hardest thing we are facing as a family. I feel like there are so many cracks right now that if a flood came, we would sink. But that is my feelings. I know what God has called us to and I know that He is able. I pray for your family and read your blog daily. Your blog has been used by God many times to keep my nose above water when I was drowning. Thank you. Keep up the most excellent work that you do in parenting your wonderful family.
Much love, Patty
'I dont mean to be offensive,' really. But how do you decide that at some point, theres some people who really intend to offend you? They just hope by saying that they dont want to offend, that makes it ok. Every decision you make for your present or future kids, may not be the same decision I would make for mine. Humans have choices. But please dont let people make you doubt yourself. Your children are all productive members of society. Sure they may cross the line every once in awhile, but they are still children. All children, adopted or birthed, have the right to make mistakes, an error in judgement. But at the end of the day, you know that you are raising your kids right. Even if you have 30 of them. Although,you may have to eventually employ a bathroom clean up crew at some point, just for the girls.
January 22, 2011 9:32 PM
I believe Anonymous may have been referring to this recent comment.
Asiya said...
Frankly, a birthday is a celebration of who an individual was, is and could be. It is a celebration of life. A celebration of what God created.No one should be denied this celebration, or the simple gifts and joy of it...because another does not approve of behaviour. Punishments and learning through loss of privledges should be saved for when they can be used to the best effect for all.Not as a way for one person to get personal satisfaction, and indulge in their own anger.I am surprised that you used such a blessed event to soothe your own wounds, and make youself feel better.Issues such as hers are not going to be resloved if you do not celebrated who she could be, if you make a birthday a privledge that is based only on your perception of good behaviour.She does need much work...but obviously so do you.
January 21, 2011 3:26 AM
When I first read it, I immediately began my defensive response. I was half way through when I stopped and closed the browser. I walked away. I wondered why I put myself out there yet again. I could have just as easily kept it nice and fluffy.... and fake. A few hours later I came back to my computer to find this email. God yet again showed me why I should continue "keeping it real."
My Dearest Sister in Christ and fellow swamp sister,
I have figured out why I have such a hard time reading the negative comments you receive from your blog. I am a mom who trudges through the swampy mud of parenting a difficult child, just like you, and when someone judges you for your feelings and actions, I too feel judged. We have begun seeing a family therapist for Mary. Her anger got so out of control that she began to refuse to eat, broke the metal brackets in her mouth (braces) and began to pull out her hair. Many a times I felt like sending her to you for help. The therapist has been a wonderful for us. I prayed and prayed and God said that He sent Ms. Day to us for help. Mary self-sabotages pleasure of any kind and lashes out at me the most because she is at war with herself to receive my love, which is what she wants more than anything in the world. Ms. Day has helped me with my feelings as well. I share many of your feelings that you expressed in your blog. Anyone who questions your love, resolve and compassion is an idiot. Living with such an angry child has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. Mary has a long road to retrain her brain to receive pleasure without self sabotage. We have to be constantly watching her cues for anger and help her to choose to reject the anger. It is exhausting. Mary may have to look at residential treatment for help, but for now, she is able to be home. It has been disrupting to the entire family. It is the hardest thing we are facing as a family. I feel like there are so many cracks right now that if a flood came, we would sink. But that is my feelings. I know what God has called us to and I know that He is able. I pray for your family and read your blog daily. Your blog has been used by God many times to keep my nose above water when I was drowning. Thank you. Keep up the most excellent work that you do in parenting your wonderful family.
Much love, Patty
All About Life
Top Ramen remains a big hit around here-- and of course they like it raw. Amazing how families mesh over time-- I am beginning to like it myself. Since I don't let them eat it all the time, I have started experimenting with ways to make it even yummier when they do. We tried toasting it in the oven with a little oil and salt and then we doused it in hot pepper sauce.
It wasn't that bad!
Here are more of Sveta and Galina's works of art!
Julia and Anastasia-- the bandanna sisters!
I began a plant seed science project with Sveta, Anastasia, and Jonny. They have loved watering and learning about their plants.
The lesson included learning how seeds are dispersed. They all said, "Ew, gross," when they learned that some fruits such as apples are eaten by animals and dispersed later when the animal goes poop and the seeds are in it.
Ever since we got the trampoline, the kids have been eating like crazy! It really works up their appetites! In order to help keep food costs down, I try to limit the amount of packaged foods I buy. Instead we try new recipes like these granola bars. They were pretty yummy!
Our plates finally came in! They turned out great!
It wasn't that bad!
Here are more of Sveta and Galina's works of art!
Julia and Anastasia-- the bandanna sisters!
I began a plant seed science project with Sveta, Anastasia, and Jonny. They have loved watering and learning about their plants.
The lesson included learning how seeds are dispersed. They all said, "Ew, gross," when they learned that some fruits such as apples are eaten by animals and dispersed later when the animal goes poop and the seeds are in it.
Ever since we got the trampoline, the kids have been eating like crazy! It really works up their appetites! In order to help keep food costs down, I try to limit the amount of packaged foods I buy. Instead we try new recipes like these granola bars. They were pretty yummy!
Our plates finally came in! They turned out great!
P.S. You will never ever guess what is in my shirt. I am not even sure I should be sharing this with you because you might think I am totally weird. Our Cousin came for a visit and taught us how to better care for our bearded dragon Bobble. She said that he should have protein in his diet and gave us a live supply of crickets... and a pinkie. Ugh. Why did she have to bring the pinkie? Well, we have tried and tried to feed Bobble the live crickets and the pinkie-- but we think our dragon is a vegetarian. So that leaves us with the pinkie, a tiny baby mouse whose eyes are still shut and you can see its little heart beating. I could have gotten over the dragon eating it, but she never mentioned what we are supposed to do with it if the dragon doesn't eat it. And it is just so cute-- and the kids love it. And it drank some milk with a dropper. So for now, I am the Momma and I am keeping it warm in my bra. Please tell me I am crazy.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
The Fruitbowls
Grace said...
Please understand that I'm am not judging your choices at all but I am coming from a practical standpoint. I have noticed several of your girls are named some thing with Anna involved. What was your reasoning on not picking something different? Doesn't you trip over them and call them the wrong thing? I have seven and I call them the wrong name and they are no where near alike so I am just wondering about that aspect of your life.
January 21, 2011 3:59 PM
Great question. Who would have thought that we would end up with an Anna, Annalyn, and Anastasia. It just turned out that way. See.... we have not changed any of our kids' names when they joined our family-- well let me take that back. We did change Anna Lynn to Annalyn because we did already have Anna and we changed Alosha to Alex, and Pasha to Paul, and Nastia to Anastasia but that was just changing their names to the English translation so we don't really count that. You can read more about why we didn't change their names here. But to clarify a bit, Anna is pronounced Anya and why we didn't spell it that way--well that is all my fault because I read her Russian name wrong and once I figured it out, it was too late in my opinionto change it. And to be honest, I trip up on all my kids' names even Paul's and Caleb's-- always have, always will. And it drives me nuts that I do it because it reminds me of my favorite Aunt Tanya who always called me my Mom's name by accident. Boy did I tease her about that when I was younger-- so now it's my turn. :)
Sara P. said...
Hi Christine, I have a few questions:1. How did your kids react to your decision to home school? Now that you've done it for a few weeks, how do they feel?2. Are their special friendships between certain sets of siblings? 3. You have several teens already and are the brink of having many more. Any special rules about dating driving, etc.?I enjoy your blog!
January 21, 2011 4:18 PM
Our family has embraced homeschooling much more than I thought they would. We are involved with an amazing charter school-- and I know that makes all the difference. Today I took Sveta for her first RSP/Speech session and visited the Resource Center. I could have spent hours and ended up walking away with three armloads of curriculum and books. Tonight the kids began their new art class which is a part of the charter school too as was the horseback riding-- two things we would have never done if they were in public school.
As for special friendships between siblings-- of course they pair up. Thankfully though they all get along too. Usually who the kids share rooms with are the ones they are really close with so I try to mix up the rooms on occasion.
Since I haven't changed much, you can read about my thoughts on dating here, and here, and here. I will say that the topic comes up often and my girls are always asking about when I started dating. I am honest with them although I have not shared everything because I think they are still too young-- but I will. And as I share I remind them how I wish I could go back and do somethings differently but that I can't live in the past-- so I encourage and teach and pray that they will make better choices as they grow up. Thanks to my friend Beth, soon I hope to go away for a weekend with a few of my girls to do this with them.
And lastly-- driving. Oh boy-- I didn't see that one coming. Adam already has his learner's permit and should be driving himself around this summer. Had he not had good grades, a respectful attitude, and shown a good deal of responsibility he would not be. Just because he got to start at 15 1/2 doesn't mean that all of my other kids will-- because they won't. There are just too many factors to consider when making such a big decision-- and not every child is the same. Most likely, Sveta will not drive at any point in her life-- but that's okay.
julie said...
how do you make time to spend with each child individually?
January 21, 2011 9:22 PM
To be honest, that is hard to do all the time. And yet, I don't think they are suffering because if and when I feel they need the individual attention-- they get it. It might be a trip to the store with me, or a walk to the mail box, or reading a book, or wrapping presents, or braiding hair, or baking a cake, or giving the dogs a bath, or sleeping together. It just depends. Now with homeschooling, the kids are getting lots of extra attention that they were not getting before. The other night I had some quality time with Andrew, Jonny, Galina, Anna, and Rachel. I was in incredible pain and they took care of me. Yes you read right. The tables were turned and my kids took care of me. Galina and Rachel brought me warm water and Ibuprofen, and all the kids took turns cuddling with me and my heating pad. One of them even massaged my feet. It was good for Galina to see me at a vulnerable time. When it was bedtime and they each saw that I was near tears in pain, they asked if they could sleep on the floor next to our bed. So yes, I had the five of them plus Alex and Dennis sleep in my room-- and they all thought it was special.
Anonymous said...
I don't mean this in an offensive way, but I am really curious how you guys afford all this??? I believe you are a SAHM? And your husband is the sole provider? Do you guys ever worry about money??
January 21, 2011 10:54 PM
I worry about money-- my husband doesn't. Not so much anymore because I am learning to trust God more and not feel like I have to control everything, but it is not always easy. My husband does have a very good job, which is a huge blessing, and I try hard to manage it well. Over the years we have both changed so much how we do things-- and tithing, that is a big part too. I wish I could say more on the topic of money but really, we just include God in all that we do with it. Often times I wonder, "Why do we have so much while others have so little?" I believe that we have to do more than just wonder-- and actually help those who have little. At the same time, I am still learning what that looks like.
*************************
Tonight my kids had their first art class. Look at what they drew! I happened to sit next to Sveta and Anastasia-- the other kids wanted you to know. :)
Please understand that I'm am not judging your choices at all but I am coming from a practical standpoint. I have noticed several of your girls are named some thing with Anna involved. What was your reasoning on not picking something different? Doesn't you trip over them and call them the wrong thing? I have seven and I call them the wrong name and they are no where near alike so I am just wondering about that aspect of your life.
January 21, 2011 3:59 PM
Great question. Who would have thought that we would end up with an Anna, Annalyn, and Anastasia. It just turned out that way. See.... we have not changed any of our kids' names when they joined our family-- well let me take that back. We did change Anna Lynn to Annalyn because we did already have Anna and we changed Alosha to Alex, and Pasha to Paul, and Nastia to Anastasia but that was just changing their names to the English translation so we don't really count that. You can read more about why we didn't change their names here. But to clarify a bit, Anna is pronounced Anya and why we didn't spell it that way--well that is all my fault because I read her Russian name wrong and once I figured it out, it was too late in my opinionto change it. And to be honest, I trip up on all my kids' names even Paul's and Caleb's-- always have, always will. And it drives me nuts that I do it because it reminds me of my favorite Aunt Tanya who always called me my Mom's name by accident. Boy did I tease her about that when I was younger-- so now it's my turn. :)
Sara P. said...
Hi Christine, I have a few questions:1. How did your kids react to your decision to home school? Now that you've done it for a few weeks, how do they feel?2. Are their special friendships between certain sets of siblings? 3. You have several teens already and are the brink of having many more. Any special rules about dating driving, etc.?I enjoy your blog!
January 21, 2011 4:18 PM
Our family has embraced homeschooling much more than I thought they would. We are involved with an amazing charter school-- and I know that makes all the difference. Today I took Sveta for her first RSP/Speech session and visited the Resource Center. I could have spent hours and ended up walking away with three armloads of curriculum and books. Tonight the kids began their new art class which is a part of the charter school too as was the horseback riding-- two things we would have never done if they were in public school.
As for special friendships between siblings-- of course they pair up. Thankfully though they all get along too. Usually who the kids share rooms with are the ones they are really close with so I try to mix up the rooms on occasion.
Since I haven't changed much, you can read about my thoughts on dating here, and here, and here. I will say that the topic comes up often and my girls are always asking about when I started dating. I am honest with them although I have not shared everything because I think they are still too young-- but I will. And as I share I remind them how I wish I could go back and do somethings differently but that I can't live in the past-- so I encourage and teach and pray that they will make better choices as they grow up. Thanks to my friend Beth, soon I hope to go away for a weekend with a few of my girls to do this with them.
And lastly-- driving. Oh boy-- I didn't see that one coming. Adam already has his learner's permit and should be driving himself around this summer. Had he not had good grades, a respectful attitude, and shown a good deal of responsibility he would not be. Just because he got to start at 15 1/2 doesn't mean that all of my other kids will-- because they won't. There are just too many factors to consider when making such a big decision-- and not every child is the same. Most likely, Sveta will not drive at any point in her life-- but that's okay.
julie said...
how do you make time to spend with each child individually?
January 21, 2011 9:22 PM
To be honest, that is hard to do all the time. And yet, I don't think they are suffering because if and when I feel they need the individual attention-- they get it. It might be a trip to the store with me, or a walk to the mail box, or reading a book, or wrapping presents, or braiding hair, or baking a cake, or giving the dogs a bath, or sleeping together. It just depends. Now with homeschooling, the kids are getting lots of extra attention that they were not getting before. The other night I had some quality time with Andrew, Jonny, Galina, Anna, and Rachel. I was in incredible pain and they took care of me. Yes you read right. The tables were turned and my kids took care of me. Galina and Rachel brought me warm water and Ibuprofen, and all the kids took turns cuddling with me and my heating pad. One of them even massaged my feet. It was good for Galina to see me at a vulnerable time. When it was bedtime and they each saw that I was near tears in pain, they asked if they could sleep on the floor next to our bed. So yes, I had the five of them plus Alex and Dennis sleep in my room-- and they all thought it was special.
Anonymous said...
I don't mean this in an offensive way, but I am really curious how you guys afford all this??? I believe you are a SAHM? And your husband is the sole provider? Do you guys ever worry about money??
January 21, 2011 10:54 PM
I worry about money-- my husband doesn't. Not so much anymore because I am learning to trust God more and not feel like I have to control everything, but it is not always easy. My husband does have a very good job, which is a huge blessing, and I try hard to manage it well. Over the years we have both changed so much how we do things-- and tithing, that is a big part too. I wish I could say more on the topic of money but really, we just include God in all that we do with it. Often times I wonder, "Why do we have so much while others have so little?" I believe that we have to do more than just wonder-- and actually help those who have little. At the same time, I am still learning what that looks like.
*************************
Tonight my kids had their first art class. Look at what they drew! I happened to sit next to Sveta and Anastasia-- the other kids wanted you to know. :)
After All These Years.... Good bye
I have rewritten this post many times a hundred times since I knew Galina's previous family was coming for a visit to say goodbye. Not literally, but I wrote it in my head because I already knew that it would be very hard for Galina. Having been through this before with our other two daughters' previous families, I was able to prepare her as much as she would allow me too. But it wasn't enough.
To say that the visit wasn't emotional would be like saying the sky isn't blue. It didn't take much time before Galina reverted back to her old behaviors. Old habits die hard. Many tears were cried, and yet now, I have no doubt that Galina is where she is supposed to be. Neither does her old family. It also gave me glimpse of how dysfunctional the family was when they were all together. However, it was incredibly helpful to finally meet her previous Mom and get a true sense of who had raised Galina for the last six years. I know she tried the very best that she could.
Two hours into the visit, it became evident that Galina was upset, and her emotions were getting out of hand. It was bound to happen, no matter how much I had prepared her. Galina remember to not lose control. But it was still too much. Seeing them... her grandmother... her bio sister... dredged up so many memories. So much regret. So much pain. How would it not? Before long, Galina's tone, her words, her irrational state was too much and her visitors began to pack up. It was obvious that the visit was over and it pained Galina to realize that her behavior was no different than it had been the last time she saw them. She was pushing them away yet again. Was she going to have her previous family leave on a good note or was she going to keep up with the arguing, the blaming, the same exact stuff that pushed them away in the first place? Was her apology only sincere if she got one back?
Galina's attempt at making amends seemed conditional-- going against everything we had been working on for the last two weeks. Was it realistic for her to expect her and her bio sister's relationship to be that of long lost sisters finding each other again or was it wiser for her to acknowledge that her bio sister was remaining guarded simply because there had not been enough time for either of them to fully heal? I knew it was the latter, but would Galina realize it in time?
Thankfully she was able to listen to reason.
I know she looked for strength in God. I know she is trying to learn from her mistakes. As quick as she had lost control, I am proud to say that Galina gained control and finished strong. I reminded her by asking-- was she ready to burn this bridge for good or did she want to just let the past go and focus on rebuilding it? It was encouraging to see that Galina did the right thing by apologizing for her behavior. Now if only she could leave it at that.
Don't make it conditional Galina. Take ownership of your wrong behavior so that you can put it behind you and move forward. Forgive Galina. Forgive them. Forgive yourself.
As I watched her do this, my heart broke for her. My heart broke for her previous family. It was hard to tell how sincere she was or if she was merely doing what she knew she needed to do. For so long Galina has let her emotions control her-- reacting to everything with little ownership of her actions. To see her angry.... hurt.... vulnerable and still muster up the courage to ask for forgiveness--- well that is a huge step for my girl.
They all hugged and said good-bye... and then it was over. They were gone. And Galina quickly became goofy-giddy with Rachel. I knew it was her way of dealing with the pain. They didn't get too out of hand so I let them be. (Four years ago, I probably would have made a big deal of it.) She had bags of her stuff that her old family had brought that she wanted to immediately go through but I had her hold off. Not tonight. She pushed back a little-- after all it was her stuff, but I held firm. She did not need anything else to add to this already emotional evening and she needed to trust me on this. Thankfully she did. I allowed them to watch a movie, and afterwards we spent an hour talking.
This morning we went through her things-- clothes and lots of photos. It saddened me to see hardly any emotion from her. As for me, it took every ounce of strength to hold back the tears. Pictures of a very young Galina smiling, Galina with her birth family and previous family, pictures of Galina with family members that were no longer her family. It felt wrong. Things were not supposed to turn out this way. It felt like I was looking at a book of lies. I know that Galina was is loved by her previous family. I know that she knows she was is loved. How could that have not been enough?
But it wasn't and now John and I are the ones to pick up the pieces. And it hurts. We have missed so much of Galina's life and though it brings great pain to not be the one hugging her in those pictures, I just know that her previous Mom is agonizing over the child she has lost. Same with the rest of her family. In a last stitch effort to salvage this relationship I told her previous family that we would support their decision to take her back if they changed their mind. We love Galina that much.... to let her go. And yet, deep down I knew the answer. Too much damage has been done. It is not healthy for Galina to go back. Galina would be the first to say it.
They too love her enough to let her go.
And so we move forward. And I know Galina will be alright. And though this visit was incredibly hard, I have the reassurance that I so needed-- Galina's family will not change their mind. And for parents adopting through a disruption, this is so important. Further more, we hopefully brought them peace by opening up our home to them and showing them that we are dedicated to being Galina's family for the rest of her life.
To say that the visit wasn't emotional would be like saying the sky isn't blue. It didn't take much time before Galina reverted back to her old behaviors. Old habits die hard. Many tears were cried, and yet now, I have no doubt that Galina is where she is supposed to be. Neither does her old family. It also gave me glimpse of how dysfunctional the family was when they were all together. However, it was incredibly helpful to finally meet her previous Mom and get a true sense of who had raised Galina for the last six years. I know she tried the very best that she could.
Two hours into the visit, it became evident that Galina was upset, and her emotions were getting out of hand. It was bound to happen, no matter how much I had prepared her. Galina remember to not lose control. But it was still too much. Seeing them... her grandmother... her bio sister... dredged up so many memories. So much regret. So much pain. How would it not? Before long, Galina's tone, her words, her irrational state was too much and her visitors began to pack up. It was obvious that the visit was over and it pained Galina to realize that her behavior was no different than it had been the last time she saw them. She was pushing them away yet again. Was she going to have her previous family leave on a good note or was she going to keep up with the arguing, the blaming, the same exact stuff that pushed them away in the first place? Was her apology only sincere if she got one back?
Galina's attempt at making amends seemed conditional-- going against everything we had been working on for the last two weeks. Was it realistic for her to expect her and her bio sister's relationship to be that of long lost sisters finding each other again or was it wiser for her to acknowledge that her bio sister was remaining guarded simply because there had not been enough time for either of them to fully heal? I knew it was the latter, but would Galina realize it in time?
Thankfully she was able to listen to reason.
I know she looked for strength in God. I know she is trying to learn from her mistakes. As quick as she had lost control, I am proud to say that Galina gained control and finished strong. I reminded her by asking-- was she ready to burn this bridge for good or did she want to just let the past go and focus on rebuilding it? It was encouraging to see that Galina did the right thing by apologizing for her behavior. Now if only she could leave it at that.
Don't make it conditional Galina. Take ownership of your wrong behavior so that you can put it behind you and move forward. Forgive Galina. Forgive them. Forgive yourself.
As I watched her do this, my heart broke for her. My heart broke for her previous family. It was hard to tell how sincere she was or if she was merely doing what she knew she needed to do. For so long Galina has let her emotions control her-- reacting to everything with little ownership of her actions. To see her angry.... hurt.... vulnerable and still muster up the courage to ask for forgiveness--- well that is a huge step for my girl.
They all hugged and said good-bye... and then it was over. They were gone. And Galina quickly became goofy-giddy with Rachel. I knew it was her way of dealing with the pain. They didn't get too out of hand so I let them be. (Four years ago, I probably would have made a big deal of it.) She had bags of her stuff that her old family had brought that she wanted to immediately go through but I had her hold off. Not tonight. She pushed back a little-- after all it was her stuff, but I held firm. She did not need anything else to add to this already emotional evening and she needed to trust me on this. Thankfully she did. I allowed them to watch a movie, and afterwards we spent an hour talking.
This morning we went through her things-- clothes and lots of photos. It saddened me to see hardly any emotion from her. As for me, it took every ounce of strength to hold back the tears. Pictures of a very young Galina smiling, Galina with her birth family and previous family, pictures of Galina with family members that were no longer her family. It felt wrong. Things were not supposed to turn out this way. It felt like I was looking at a book of lies. I know that Galina
But it wasn't and now John and I are the ones to pick up the pieces. And it hurts. We have missed so much of Galina's life and though it brings great pain to not be the one hugging her in those pictures, I just know that her previous Mom is agonizing over the child she has lost. Same with the rest of her family. In a last stitch effort to salvage this relationship I told her previous family that we would support their decision to take her back if they changed their mind. We love Galina that much.... to let her go. And yet, deep down I knew the answer. Too much damage has been done. It is not healthy for Galina to go back. Galina would be the first to say it.
They too love her enough to let her go.
And so we move forward. And I know Galina will be alright. And though this visit was incredibly hard, I have the reassurance that I so needed-- Galina's family will not change their mind. And for parents adopting through a disruption, this is so important. Further more, we hopefully brought them peace by opening up our home to them and showing them that we are dedicated to being Galina's family for the rest of her life.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Who is Your Counselor?
Driving in the car with my girls one morning, listening to the radio, we heard the station call and congratulate a man celebrating his 100th birthday. "What advice can you give for a long and wonderful life?"
"Well... only have one woman, don't smoke or drink alcohol, and eat one bowl of oatmeal for breakfast every morning."
Words of wisdom in my mind.
Feeling convicted for serving cold cereal most mornings, which happen to be a fave for most of my kids, I resolved to serve oatmeal more often. Two weeks passed before I finally made it for breakfast-- better late than never. The pot of oatmeal was finished-- mission accomplished.
Until...
I found out that Rachel and Anna had thumbed their noses up at it. When I asked them about it, they came up with many excuses for not eating it so I simply said that they had to have a small bowl for their snack. Reluctantly they ate a small bowl with sweet milk on it. Mission accomplished--- this Mom fed all her kids oatmeal-- so why didn't I feel too good about it?
Why did I make such a big deal about them eating it? Was it really about making sure they reaped the benefits of eating the oatmeal? They are my best eaters (eating more fruits and veggies than any other child) so why should I make them eat one of the few things that they dislike? Why did I sometimes interpret what my girls do as an "adoption related issue" when in fact every child does it? Why don't I make Adam or Caleb eat borscht now that they have tried it and said they don't like it? Maybe I was the one who was in the wrong.
You can say, I called my Counselor.
I confessed everything to Him and He agreed that I should apologize to my girls for having them eat the oatmeal. I should let them know how I was wrong and how I wouldn't make them eat oatmeal again if they didn't want to. I should ask them to forgive me.
I pulled them aside and pretended that I had to tell them something that I had seen them do. Probably my way of "breaking the ice." They were a bit worried that they were in trouble so when I told them that it was me who wanted to apologize for the oatmeal incident they were all smiles-- and quick to forgive.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lisa said...
So, what is it about your family that is different enough to bring about these changes in Galina? I'm not being sarcastic, I really want to know. I have a almost 17 yo son, adopted at 9 mos thru the US foster care system. He's wanted a new family for years - and I know he'd go absolutely anywhere with anyone to have it. His bio sister (adopted at the same time - 12 1/2 mos older than him) won't say it, but she feels the same. She was recently dx'd with BPD and we grieve for both of their futures. After years and years of intense work, therapy - and ultimately, rejection, we are distancing ourselves emotionally from them both as they near 18. I will always wonder if I had thrown in the towel years ago, if they might have had a better, healthier relationship with another family. I loved them too much to give up, but maybe that was selfish as well. I just wondered, from your perspective, what the difference is. Can she truly love all of you when she's not been able to love her family of 6 years?Also, do you believe in therapy for any of your kids? You've never mentioned it (as far as I remember) and just wondered what your opinion of it was. I'm not thrilled with it since it's not worked so far (after many years, and many different therapists), but we feel it's necessary since our two challenging kids have made comments like, "I will make sure I get a new family - no matter what it takes" or "I wish you hadn't adopted any of us, I will make sure we are all taken away". Scary stuff.
January 24, 2011 3:43 AM
Anonymous said...
This is not meant to be offensive and I hope it not too personal, please excuse me if is...I was just wondering if any of the children you have adopted, from disruptions or on your own, have received any professional help adjusting? I'm not asking for names or specific situations....it just seems hard to believe that you have adopted several children from disruptions, that were obviously happening for valid reasons, and that the children would turn around and fit and act so differently in your home... I'm just wondering if you and family have ever utilized services available and if so what and have they helped? or ever considered doing so....Just wondering if like the rest of us, you need some help from time to time(or if this is not the case, why do you think your children behave so differently in your family?)I haven't seen much on your blog about this topic (outside help) and it might be sensitive so I apologize if it is, but i was curious. Thanks!
January 21, 2011 8:13 PM
Stephanie said...
Congrats!!! Just curious.. what country was Galina from? I'd also like to hear your thoughts on outside therapy. Our foster son is in it and I feel like it's making things worse.. but the agency is "making" us take him.
January 24, 2011 8:00 AM
Holly said...
So often Christine, I read and don't comment simply because I just don't know what to say.I am so sad for Galina's other family, they must have so many broken dreams. I see that many of your readers are intrigued with what it is about you and John that allows wounded children to thrive in your home when they have failed in other homes. I'm not sure if that is something that you feel like writing about but as you know there sure are a lot of families who WANT to make it work and are struggling.Whatever it is, I call it a GIFTING from the Lord, I am thankful that You have hearts for parenting...hurt children especially. Blessings,Holly
January 24, 2011 11:25 AM
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I figured I would group these four comments together since they seem to be asking the same questions.
Yes, our family receives counseling from our Heavenly Father. He is very much a huge part of our lives-- He is who John and I turn to countless times a day. He not only provides solid words of wisdom to live by, but He is the only One who actually is what He desires for us. Outside of Him, we do not seek additional therapy. Not only have we seen how little it actually helps when talking to some other families, but for John and I-- He changed us in ways that therapy could never have. Why would we seek out anything else at this point? With that said, we have seen two different psychologists at diferent times for two of our children at the advice of the school-- both with differing opinions. Which one is right, and why would we trust one over another-- and why would we go with either of them when our God has never failed us before? Oh, and we are not against medication either-- been there done that. But what little improvement we saw did not outweigh the side effects. Live and learn.
As for why our three girls (adopted through a disruption) are doing so well in our family-- well we do just that-- make them know and feel like they are in this family-- forever and ever and ever. This can be so incredibly hard to do because it requires tearing down our own feelings of failure when things are not going so well, our own feelings of rejection, our own feelings of inadequacy, our own feelings of saying the wrong things, doing the wrong things--- but we have to do it. AND NO MATTER WHAT WE DO NOT LET OUR CHILDREN'S PAST DECLARE WHO THEY ARE TODAY AND WHO THEY ARE GOING TO BE TOMORROW.
That means-- no excuses. Period.
So you were abused in the past. Let's talk about it, come to terms about it, pray about it, talk about it some more, pray about it some more, learn from it, and come out stronger in the end. Let's all agree that you have seen some of the worst in people but let's conquer with love anyway. With God anything is possible. Let's choose love... forgiveness... and count the blessings we have today. What we can't do is use their abuse as an excuse for them to treat me like I am the enemy. That doesn't give them the okay to curl up into a little ball in the corner from me like I am going to beat them when I raise my voice to them just because they don't like what I am saying. After all, they are the one who lied, or "forgot" how to wipe off the table, or chose to disobey when they knew better. (But at the same time, raising my voice is something I have to work on.) That means that they can't misinterpret my refusal to give them a second piece of cake as witholding food from them just because they had to beg for food at one point in their lives. I promise the cake will be their tommorow-- just take a chance and trust me.
So you didn't get to celebrate many of your past birthdays. I am so sorry, and I wish I could have been there for you to let you know how much you were loved even then-- but not having very many birthday celebrations before doesn't give you the excuse to be entitled to numerous gifts now to make up for lost time, or be ungrateful for not getting what you always wanted, or acting like a brat because you never learned how to handle being the center of attention, or have a birthday celebration at all if you have lied, disobeyed, and lived in opposite land for the past few months. (At the same time, I have to constantly be asking God to work on my heart like in the case with Annalyn's birthday.)
I think you get the picture. Now that may sound really harsh to some, but you asked-- and it works-- and by not enabling our children to live in their past we are freeing/enabling them to live for their future! Some things you just have to let go of or they will eat you up and prevent you from accepting the love of a family. I remind my girls of this often because I don't think they should deny themselves from forming healthy, long lasting relationships with God, with us, with their future spouses... children.
In addition to parenting this way, we have tried to live our our lives parenting outside of conflict before it happens. This is where adopting through a disruption has its advantages. When you adopt from an orphanage you don't really get an accurate picture of your child's behavior. For the most part, that kind of information is glossed over or omitted all together. But when you adopt from a disruption you will most likely hear everything-- not always but most times. This gives you the chance to address behaviors before they happen-- the real question is though-- do you have the guts? Or do you fear rejection, saying the wrong things, and conflict in general? This is where you have to be the parent and step up to the plate. Sadly, this is where I see most adoptive parents fail.
Trust me, I don't have all the answers and though we are thriving-- it does not mean that we do not struggle from time to time. We go through our seasons. We sometimes get so caught up in the behaviors that we lose sight of what is important and why we are doing what we are doing. I myself forget that God is right there with me, and I cause myself frustration and grief that I could have went through with Him or avoided all together.
And that is where grace comes in. I ask for it daily-- actually numerous times a day. I give it to my kids daily. That means not keeping a record of wrong. Not completely forgetting, but completely forgiving. That means not reacting until you have walked away from the situation for awhile and cooled down. I promise that if you walk away, and simply call out to God, when you come back you will be less angry... cooler.... calmer... and what seemed like a big deal won't be anymore.
Now does what all I have said mean that I only think there is one way to raise kids (No) or am I just speaking from our own experience? (Yes) Do I think less of someone who benefits from seeing a pyschologist? (No) Would I be willing to change how we do things if I saw that my children needed something more? (Yes)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anonymous said...
Do you normally punish all your children when one does something wrong? That seems very unfair, especially when you already know which one did it. I mean, it's good that you convinced her to own up to it, but punishing all of her siblings because of her failure to 'confess' just doesn't seem right.
January 24, 2011 7:05 AM
First of all I am not answering this question because I feel like I have to defend myself, but I would like to help you understand why I do this. Have you ever heard of Adam and Eve? Did their sin not pave the way for all of us? And what about if someone in a company embezzles hundreds of thousands of dollars? Do you think that no one else in the company doesn't get punished when they don't get the bonus they had been promised? And what about if a spouse cheats and brings home a sexually transmitted disease-- is that fair? The fact is-- sin does not play fair. And sin affects everyone it touches. So maybe it seemed unfair, but it is how I have handled situations like these before we even adopted for the first time. And it has cut down on lying incidents quite a bit because facing "wronged" siblings just isn't fun.
Proverbs 28:13 He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.
P.S. Galina is from Russia.
"Well... only have one woman, don't smoke or drink alcohol, and eat one bowl of oatmeal for breakfast every morning."
Words of wisdom in my mind.
Feeling convicted for serving cold cereal most mornings, which happen to be a fave for most of my kids, I resolved to serve oatmeal more often. Two weeks passed before I finally made it for breakfast-- better late than never. The pot of oatmeal was finished-- mission accomplished.
Until...
I found out that Rachel and Anna had thumbed their noses up at it. When I asked them about it, they came up with many excuses for not eating it so I simply said that they had to have a small bowl for their snack. Reluctantly they ate a small bowl with sweet milk on it. Mission accomplished--- this Mom fed all her kids oatmeal-- so why didn't I feel too good about it?
Why did I make such a big deal about them eating it? Was it really about making sure they reaped the benefits of eating the oatmeal? They are my best eaters (eating more fruits and veggies than any other child) so why should I make them eat one of the few things that they dislike? Why did I sometimes interpret what my girls do as an "adoption related issue" when in fact every child does it? Why don't I make Adam or Caleb eat borscht now that they have tried it and said they don't like it? Maybe I was the one who was in the wrong.
You can say, I called my Counselor.
I confessed everything to Him and He agreed that I should apologize to my girls for having them eat the oatmeal. I should let them know how I was wrong and how I wouldn't make them eat oatmeal again if they didn't want to. I should ask them to forgive me.
I pulled them aside and pretended that I had to tell them something that I had seen them do. Probably my way of "breaking the ice." They were a bit worried that they were in trouble so when I told them that it was me who wanted to apologize for the oatmeal incident they were all smiles-- and quick to forgive.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lisa said...
So, what is it about your family that is different enough to bring about these changes in Galina? I'm not being sarcastic, I really want to know. I have a almost 17 yo son, adopted at 9 mos thru the US foster care system. He's wanted a new family for years - and I know he'd go absolutely anywhere with anyone to have it. His bio sister (adopted at the same time - 12 1/2 mos older than him) won't say it, but she feels the same. She was recently dx'd with BPD and we grieve for both of their futures. After years and years of intense work, therapy - and ultimately, rejection, we are distancing ourselves emotionally from them both as they near 18. I will always wonder if I had thrown in the towel years ago, if they might have had a better, healthier relationship with another family. I loved them too much to give up, but maybe that was selfish as well. I just wondered, from your perspective, what the difference is. Can she truly love all of you when she's not been able to love her family of 6 years?Also, do you believe in therapy for any of your kids? You've never mentioned it (as far as I remember) and just wondered what your opinion of it was. I'm not thrilled with it since it's not worked so far (after many years, and many different therapists), but we feel it's necessary since our two challenging kids have made comments like, "I will make sure I get a new family - no matter what it takes" or "I wish you hadn't adopted any of us, I will make sure we are all taken away". Scary stuff.
January 24, 2011 3:43 AM
Anonymous said...
This is not meant to be offensive and I hope it not too personal, please excuse me if is...I was just wondering if any of the children you have adopted, from disruptions or on your own, have received any professional help adjusting? I'm not asking for names or specific situations....it just seems hard to believe that you have adopted several children from disruptions, that were obviously happening for valid reasons, and that the children would turn around and fit and act so differently in your home... I'm just wondering if you and family have ever utilized services available and if so what and have they helped? or ever considered doing so....Just wondering if like the rest of us, you need some help from time to time(or if this is not the case, why do you think your children behave so differently in your family?)I haven't seen much on your blog about this topic (outside help) and it might be sensitive so I apologize if it is, but i was curious. Thanks!
January 21, 2011 8:13 PM
Stephanie said...
Congrats!!! Just curious.. what country was Galina from? I'd also like to hear your thoughts on outside therapy. Our foster son is in it and I feel like it's making things worse.. but the agency is "making" us take him.
January 24, 2011 8:00 AM
Holly said...
So often Christine, I read and don't comment simply because I just don't know what to say.I am so sad for Galina's other family, they must have so many broken dreams. I see that many of your readers are intrigued with what it is about you and John that allows wounded children to thrive in your home when they have failed in other homes. I'm not sure if that is something that you feel like writing about but as you know there sure are a lot of families who WANT to make it work and are struggling.Whatever it is, I call it a GIFTING from the Lord, I am thankful that You have hearts for parenting...hurt children especially. Blessings,Holly
January 24, 2011 11:25 AM
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I figured I would group these four comments together since they seem to be asking the same questions.
Yes, our family receives counseling from our Heavenly Father. He is very much a huge part of our lives-- He is who John and I turn to countless times a day. He not only provides solid words of wisdom to live by, but He is the only One who actually is what He desires for us. Outside of Him, we do not seek additional therapy. Not only have we seen how little it actually helps when talking to some other families, but for John and I-- He changed us in ways that therapy could never have. Why would we seek out anything else at this point? With that said, we have seen two different psychologists at diferent times for two of our children at the advice of the school-- both with differing opinions. Which one is right, and why would we trust one over another-- and why would we go with either of them when our God has never failed us before? Oh, and we are not against medication either-- been there done that. But what little improvement we saw did not outweigh the side effects. Live and learn.
As for why our three girls (adopted through a disruption) are doing so well in our family-- well we do just that-- make them know and feel like they are in this family-- forever and ever and ever. This can be so incredibly hard to do because it requires tearing down our own feelings of failure when things are not going so well, our own feelings of rejection, our own feelings of inadequacy, our own feelings of saying the wrong things, doing the wrong things--- but we have to do it. AND NO MATTER WHAT WE DO NOT LET OUR CHILDREN'S PAST DECLARE WHO THEY ARE TODAY AND WHO THEY ARE GOING TO BE TOMORROW.
That means-- no excuses. Period.
So you were abused in the past. Let's talk about it, come to terms about it, pray about it, talk about it some more, pray about it some more, learn from it, and come out stronger in the end. Let's all agree that you have seen some of the worst in people but let's conquer with love anyway. With God anything is possible. Let's choose love... forgiveness... and count the blessings we have today. What we can't do is use their abuse as an excuse for them to treat me like I am the enemy. That doesn't give them the okay to curl up into a little ball in the corner from me like I am going to beat them when I raise my voice to them just because they don't like what I am saying. After all, they are the one who lied, or "forgot" how to wipe off the table, or chose to disobey when they knew better. (But at the same time, raising my voice is something I have to work on.) That means that they can't misinterpret my refusal to give them a second piece of cake as witholding food from them just because they had to beg for food at one point in their lives. I promise the cake will be their tommorow-- just take a chance and trust me.
So you didn't get to celebrate many of your past birthdays. I am so sorry, and I wish I could have been there for you to let you know how much you were loved even then-- but not having very many birthday celebrations before doesn't give you the excuse to be entitled to numerous gifts now to make up for lost time, or be ungrateful for not getting what you always wanted, or acting like a brat because you never learned how to handle being the center of attention, or have a birthday celebration at all if you have lied, disobeyed, and lived in opposite land for the past few months. (At the same time, I have to constantly be asking God to work on my heart like in the case with Annalyn's birthday.)
I think you get the picture. Now that may sound really harsh to some, but you asked-- and it works-- and by not enabling our children to live in their past we are freeing/enabling them to live for their future! Some things you just have to let go of or they will eat you up and prevent you from accepting the love of a family. I remind my girls of this often because I don't think they should deny themselves from forming healthy, long lasting relationships with God, with us, with their future spouses... children.
In addition to parenting this way, we have tried to live our our lives parenting outside of conflict before it happens. This is where adopting through a disruption has its advantages. When you adopt from an orphanage you don't really get an accurate picture of your child's behavior. For the most part, that kind of information is glossed over or omitted all together. But when you adopt from a disruption you will most likely hear everything-- not always but most times. This gives you the chance to address behaviors before they happen-- the real question is though-- do you have the guts? Or do you fear rejection, saying the wrong things, and conflict in general? This is where you have to be the parent and step up to the plate. Sadly, this is where I see most adoptive parents fail.
Trust me, I don't have all the answers and though we are thriving-- it does not mean that we do not struggle from time to time. We go through our seasons. We sometimes get so caught up in the behaviors that we lose sight of what is important and why we are doing what we are doing. I myself forget that God is right there with me, and I cause myself frustration and grief that I could have went through with Him or avoided all together.
And that is where grace comes in. I ask for it daily-- actually numerous times a day. I give it to my kids daily. That means not keeping a record of wrong. Not completely forgetting, but completely forgiving. That means not reacting until you have walked away from the situation for awhile and cooled down. I promise that if you walk away, and simply call out to God, when you come back you will be less angry... cooler.... calmer... and what seemed like a big deal won't be anymore.
Now does what all I have said mean that I only think there is one way to raise kids (No) or am I just speaking from our own experience? (Yes) Do I think less of someone who benefits from seeing a pyschologist? (No) Would I be willing to change how we do things if I saw that my children needed something more? (Yes)
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Anonymous said...
Do you normally punish all your children when one does something wrong? That seems very unfair, especially when you already know which one did it. I mean, it's good that you convinced her to own up to it, but punishing all of her siblings because of her failure to 'confess' just doesn't seem right.
January 24, 2011 7:05 AM
First of all I am not answering this question because I feel like I have to defend myself, but I would like to help you understand why I do this. Have you ever heard of Adam and Eve? Did their sin not pave the way for all of us? And what about if someone in a company embezzles hundreds of thousands of dollars? Do you think that no one else in the company doesn't get punished when they don't get the bonus they had been promised? And what about if a spouse cheats and brings home a sexually transmitted disease-- is that fair? The fact is-- sin does not play fair. And sin affects everyone it touches. So maybe it seemed unfair, but it is how I have handled situations like these before we even adopted for the first time. And it has cut down on lying incidents quite a bit because facing "wronged" siblings just isn't fun.
Proverbs 28:13 He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.
P.S. Galina is from Russia.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
A Little About Her
It was at least a year and a half ago when I first heard of Galina.
To even my surprise, John had told the waitress why we were celebrating and she brought Galina out a sundae. She even shared.
Same with the two of them.
When we told Galina the news we talked about her transitioning to calling us Mom and Dad. She nodded like she understood but it was obvious by the end of the second day that she was not addressing us as Mr. and Mrs. Reed or Mom and Dad. I knew how awkward she must have felt-- heck, I felt it too. So I pulled her aside and told her my observation and put out a challenge to her. Not only did I tell her I would be secretly praying for God to lay it on her heart to start referring to us as Mom and Dad but I encouraged her to deliberately call me Mom at least two times before she went to bed that night like for example, "Thanks for dinner... Mom." I promised her that it would be so much easier after that initial time and you know what-- she rose to the challenge.
Since Galina was staying for good, we did some rearranging of bedrooms, dressers, and had some of the girls change rooms.
Now that Galina has joined our family, Anastasia is no longer our youngest daughter.
I was pleasantly surprised when I found this picture on my camera-- Julia took it. I think it is beautiful.
Right before I sat down to finish up this post, I snapped this picture of Galina doing her schoolwork. Both her and Anna had put off doing their free choice reading and journaling all week so I insisted that they do it now. One of them tried to argue about it-- and it wasn't Galina.
Her previous family, a single Mom had emailed me looking for encouragement, support, and advice. I was impressed how determined this Mom was to try anything and everything she possibly could to have a good relationship with her daughter-- including traveling back to Russia to adopt Galina's older biological sister so that they could be together. Numerous times we had offered respite to the Mom but each time it didn't happen for one reason or another. I think just knowing that she had the support if she needed it was enough to keep her going. By December 2010 however, nearly six years later, it was clear that Galina and her family needed respite and this time it was for real.
It is sad that the timing happened to be around Christmas but holidays can be incredibly hard for struggling adoptive families exacerbating issues into full blown crises and this was the case with Galina. When she gave her mother her Christmas wish list with "A New Family" listed 10 times and nothing else, her mother knew it was time for a break. After much consideration we agreed to take Galina for a month or two-- neither of us planning on her staying forever but rather just a nice, long respite. But over that time as Galina began to thrive in our home, it was apparent to the Mom that her coming home was not in Galina's best interest. Hard as it was, Galina agreed though still in shock over everything. I have no doubt that Galina did a lot of damage in her previous family, I just don't think she realized the ramifications of her actions or how she might actually get what she wished for. Still... John and I wanted to give Galina's Mom some time to be sure about her decision-- while we decided what we would do ourselves. Should we adopt Galina? How would we feel if we were her and we had to make yet another move to another family? She would be the oldest child yet at the time of adoption and it would take till she is 18 years old before we could say that she has been with our family longer than her previous family. With all that we knew about her we wondered if we would still be able to reach her heart. We prayed.
Then something happened. And God showed us.
One evening while eating dinner I noticed that the word cumulonimbus (a type of cloud formation) that was discussed earlier during home school had been rewritten twice by two different kids-- both spelled wrong with a "t" on the end instead of an s. Thinking maybe someone thought that adding a "t" on the end to make it "cumulonimbut" was humorous, I asked who wrote them. Anna immediately said she wrote one of them-- but every single other kid (except Caleb who was at practice) said they didn't write the other one. Knowing our children's handwriting, John and I knew it was Galina. Not that the offense was any big deal by any means but we tried left and right to get one of the kids to admit it and yet no one would fess up. It was ridiculous. We even said that no one would get in trouble for writing it- that we just wanted to know who wrote it and it was very foolish to turn an innocent act into a huge deal by lying about it, but still no one came clean. As a result everyone was sent to bed early to set the example that lying hurts everyone in the family. With much moaning and groaning by the other kids we hoped that she would feel convicted and end this charade. Once everyone was in bed, I went to Galina and told her that Mr. Reed and I knew that it was her without a doubt. I explained how I am sure she thought she was going to get in trouble so she instinctively lied to protect herself. I told her that even though she lied she could redeem herself and come out stronger on the other side by being quick to confess. I finished saying that even though we knew it was her, it was not enough for the rest of the kids to get up-- she would have to trust us enough that we would forgive her that she lied and she had to care about herself enough to stop carrying around the ugly burden of the lie. Even though we knew it was her, everyone would need to remain in bed until she admitted it-- plain and simple. And then she would have to go to each of the kids and Mr. Reed and apologize and ask for forgiveness. I secretly prayed that she would break and my prayer was answered-- immediately. She confessed and broke down crying-- hard. It was a a giant step for her.
And as she went around apologizing I realized that-- God had showed us.
The next day after we told all the kids-- we went out and celebrated-- Roller skating and then dinner!
To even my surprise, John had told the waitress why we were celebrating and she brought Galina out a sundae. She even shared.
This is our very first picture together.
Same with the two of them.
When we told Galina the news we talked about her transitioning to calling us Mom and Dad. She nodded like she understood but it was obvious by the end of the second day that she was not addressing us as Mr. and Mrs. Reed or Mom and Dad. I knew how awkward she must have felt-- heck, I felt it too. So I pulled her aside and told her my observation and put out a challenge to her. Not only did I tell her I would be secretly praying for God to lay it on her heart to start referring to us as Mom and Dad but I encouraged her to deliberately call me Mom at least two times before she went to bed that night like for example, "Thanks for dinner... Mom." I promised her that it would be so much easier after that initial time and you know what-- she rose to the challenge.
Since Galina was staying for good, we did some rearranging of bedrooms, dressers, and had some of the girls change rooms.
Rachel appealed to us to reconsider who she would share a room with and after hearing her reasons, John and I allowed the change. Now all the girls are content.
Galina has transitioned into our family rather smoothly, although I yearn for her to open up more. A part of me is waiting for the honeymoon period to be over-- yet I see her really trying. For example, at lunch a bunch of the girls wanted milk and a while after I found a full glass sitting on the table. As I scolded the guilty party for not drinking it and then putting the glass in the sink, I noticed out of the corner of my eye Galina grabbing her glass off the other table and setting it in the sink. If only all my kids learned this quick.
At first I wondered how the girls would get along, but I have seen all of them accept Galina with open arms-- which I am very proud of. I am proud of Galina accepting them too.
Now that Galina has joined our family, Anastasia is no longer our youngest daughter.
I was pleasantly surprised when I found this picture on my camera-- Julia took it. I think it is beautiful.
Right before I sat down to finish up this post, I snapped this picture of Galina doing her schoolwork. Both her and Anna had put off doing their free choice reading and journaling all week so I insisted that they do it now. One of them tried to argue about it-- and it wasn't Galina.
As I close, I ask that you keep Galina's previous family in your prayers as well as ours.
Because our gain is someone else's loss.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
A Lesson In Forgiveness
Lunch out with my friend was so nice-- and the best part-- it ended with chocolate. Thanks Mom for the See's Candy gift certificates. After dinner, I had every intention of doing a blog post about our newest daughter but instead we watched Amish Grace and had ourselves a good cry. Good night all.
I Feel Special
I got invited to lunch by a fellow, adoptive, blogging Mom. Since this is our third time getting together in the last seven months, I consider her my friend too. So I am off.... for some quiet, big girl, just for me time.
P.S. Sometimes us Mom's need to do that. And in case you haven't-- I encourage you today.
P.S. Sometimes us Mom's need to do that. And in case you haven't-- I encourage you today.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Go Ahead and Ask
I recently got a comment asking some very good questions-- but after reading, I began to wonder if there are any other questions people had that could be answered at the same time that I haven't already answered. So... if there is something you have wanted to know about our family, please feel free to ask-- as long as it is not too personal.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
The First of Four
Today we celebrated a huge milestone in our daughter's life! Annalyn became a teenager. I will not lie and say things have been easy-- the road has been in fact quite bumpy-- but where we are today is better than where we were four years ago-- and today I choose to focus on that.
Happy birthday Annalyn!
One was this sweater with a beaded gray undershirt-- totally Annalyn.
The second was an MP3 player!
Happy birthday Annalyn!
One was this sweater with a beaded gray undershirt-- totally Annalyn.
The second was an MP3 player!
And the third was a three piece ensemble--- a jazzy, glittery butterfly shirt with a cute, lace vest and a silver heart pendant necklace. Amazing how God saved the perfect gifts for her on the day that I went shopping-- here I had a bad attitude and yet God showed me amazing grace and showed Annalyn that even though we are all very undeserving, his grace is always enough.
Julia made her an Apple crumb dessert-- her signature dish!
Annalyn had not one,not two, but three helpers to blow out her candles.
Annalyn had not one,not two, but three helpers to blow out her candles.
For dinner, we had tacos! Lots and lots!
Since we have three more birthdays in the next month John and I decided to group all four together and do something big. Tonight we announced it to all the kids-- and boy are they excited!
Happy birthday Annalyn! We love you! Enjoy shaving!
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