Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Random Thoughts

I can hardly believe it.  Here I am... finally sitting with my very own laptop up in my bedroom that I got for Christmas... Alex and Dennis watching Connie the Cow... and I don't know what to write.

I am supposed to be working on writing my book, but I am still running a few things in my head.  Besides, I thought I would warm up by doing a blog post.  Ha, ha.  And I have nothing.

Well actually, I have lots, but if I shared them all-- it would hardly make sense I bet.  But I'll try.

First off, I am conflicted with feelings of sadness, guilt, and disappointment about my last post concerning the family looking for a new family for their son.  I am sad because this is just one of many that I hear about weekly.  I in no way encourage a family to disrupt-- in fact I have offended a handful of families for encouraging them to keep on parenting as if they haven't tried hard enough.  I feel guilty for publishing the negative comments with the ounce of hope that the negativity might change the family's mind.  I feel additional guilt for taking down the post before the adoptive family meant to be his new family may have had the chance to read it.  I am disappointed that so many people can be so harsh towards these parents without actually offering any sort of solution.  If you feel so passionate about what they are doing, why don't you step up to adopt this child?  Your passion could be channeled into something so much more productive besides saying such mean things about this family.

The house feels empty.  Adam, Rachel, and Julia hitched a ride with Grandma and Grandpa up north to visit with some old friends and family.  Annalyn and Anastasia went to Aunt Tanya's house for a few days because they have never gone before.  With a total of five kids gone, the house just seems so much quieter.

Today I took Alex in for a check-up with our primary doctor.  With her in agreement that his incision looks great, I came home and called the neurosurgeon to squeeze Alex in before the New Year.   Thankfully they got him in tomorrow.  If not, he would not have been able to return to school next week without the doctor's okay. 

Galina had her other three cavitites filled today (not as many shots this time) and then we ran over to Kohls to use the Kohl's bucks I earned two weeks ago.  I was able to buy a couple pairs of jeans for one of the boys, a birthday present, and a couple of t-shirts.

Tomorrow I take Dennis back to the occularist.   This will be the third time in as many weeks-- I hope it is his last.  As much as I like the occularist, I don't want to keep visiting him weekly! :)

The company John's works for was recently acquired by a another company.  This means our insurance is about to change.  Thankfully John and I sat down last night and filled out everything online.  Here's to hoping the transition with insurance billing goes well!

In a few days John and I will be celebrating our 18th anniversary!  I am looking forward to spending the evening with him.  It is our tradition to discuss what we are going to do in the new year. 



29 comments:

  1. You know why I couldn't step up and adopt this child -- because I am not a Christian! This family is automatically eliminating a huge pool of loving families. I guess my solution to the family would be (1) don't give away your children and/or (2) don't be so closed-minded to other faiths.
    Life's tough. What that family described sounds like typical "stuff" that adopting an older child might entail. It doesn't sound like a deal-breaker. So I'm going to venture that either the parents are unreasonably rigid, or what was described isn't the full picture.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I was a little confused when I saw that two posts had been removed, but I completely understand that they were attracting a large proportion of negative comments, many of which I believe were too harsh.

    On a separate note, I'm astounded about all the doctors and specialists some of your children require. They aren't cheap, so I am very impressed that you persevere with the neverending appointments. How lucky your kids are to have such great parents who do all they can for them! God bless you all.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You are a loving caring person who seems to care about the children as well as the family. Please don't beat yourself up just because others feel the need to! I think all you are doing is absolutely wonderful. Look at the difference you are making in peoples lives! Especially in those of the children. . .God bless you and I pray your next 18 years will be just as happy and fulfilling as these past 18 have been.
    Stacy

    ReplyDelete
  4. I understand your anger over the unkind comments. However, the letter drew such negative comments because of the way in which it was written. I have read all the disruption posts of yours. The letters always had a tone that spoke of a family in crisis.

    The letter you posted from this family however sounded like people who can't handle a teenager(do you know how many teens run up absurd cellular bills?) and don't want the responsibility.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Christine, I too read your post about the boy D with great sadness. I did want to comment on their thoughts in RAD. Both my sons were raised in a baby home, the first to 15 month and the second to nearly three years, and I can honestly say while early attachment may play a role, the early care each child receives as well as inborn personality traits also play a role.

    My youngest son who was 35 months when he joined our family is the happiest, most well adjusted loving little guy. He was in a baby home with excellent care and has a very easy going personality.

    My older son who came home with us at 16 months was at a poorly staffed baby home, and he has a bit of a "prickly" personality. He has had many difficulties regulating emotions and other issues we have been working on the past 4 1/2 years. He had also such a difficult time this year having a new brother. I would never dream if disrupting, I love this child with all my heart and I can feel his pain in having to share our live and attention. It helps me understand what this family may be going through with his jealousy towards his brother. I cannot judge, just place myself in their shoes and try to understand all they are going through.

    We have been lucky enough to be able to afford group therapy for our older son since insurance does not cover it. We have seen improvements, but it is something we will have to continue to work on on our own.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Congrats on the new laptop! I only had read the one negative comment on your last post when I last looked at it. I felt for that family. They must be going through such pain. I pray they find a happy ending.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Congrats on the laptop. I took my laptop to bed for writing, because i had all these ideas popping into my head and I had to get up to write. With the laptop by my bed, my brain is mush and I have nothing to write. UGH LOL

    I truly hope D finds a family that will commit to him. Sad for all.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Before our adoptions, I'm sure I had all the answers. Now that our adoptive children have been home for 6 years, I do not have all the answers. It can be so hard working with extreme jealousy of her bio sibling whom we also adopted and the explosive anger issues. Add conniving, manipulating and lying into that and, yes, it can be overwhelming, at times. (Our oldest daughter was extremely violent when she arrived while in foster care at 5 years old. She actually had to be restrained which the agency and her therapist approved of. This happened every day for months!) What people see outside the home, is NOT what life is like on an everyday basis.
    So I cannot pass judgement on a family disrupting because I have not lived their day to day life. it can be so hard to really put into words what life is like when you work with issues every day.
    Our family is so grateful for the support of close friends and extended family who have seen our daughter in action a few times and were horrified to realize that she is capable of such anger and conniving. Our adult birth children are also a source of helping our daughter in managing her behaviours.
    I'm so glad we're seeing progress. It may be slow yet she is moving forward. What prevents her from making more progress is her unwillingness to let go of the past. So we continue to love, encourage and pray for her.
    Many blessings to the many adoptive parents doing the best they know how for their children.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Happy Anniversary ( in a few days)- that is so important to keep celebrating. I hate insurance company changes so I know what you mean...glad it so far has gone well. We had to switch ( not our choice) 3 yrs ago with Paul's company...Since we manage many medical neeeds as well it has been something just to learn their system. They don't have a program that can list all of our dependents :) So half the time when a provider sees us it shows that person terminated ( they aren't just their system is messed up). Our insurance is AETNA which is a huge company. Who do you all use ?

    Jeane

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'm not being unkind when I say its unfair to only expect support and kindness when these kinds of adoptions have "issues". Very true many were harsh and in their own ways they were being honest as were the other post that did offer support in their words.

    ReplyDelete
  11. My heart too goes out to this family. I know exactly what they are going through. I brought 3 children into my home and were they grateful? No, the eldest, a girl, borrowed my sweater without asking and got a stain on it. I disrupted that adoption so fast it made her head spin!

    The second a boy, wanted to play loud hip-hopping music all the time, not on my dime mister, out you go! I only have the youngest still, he is eight, but I am keeping my eye on him!

    I mean it is not like they are my responsibility, I have my bio-kids to worry about, I tried but everyone has their limits.

    God Bless You,
    Barbara

    ReplyDelete
  12. Um, I hope the post above mine is a joke.

    I Love your blog, have been a follower for years and I think you are honest, down-to-earth, and have a ton of experience, I have learned a lot from you. Hope you never stop blogging!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Wow. What "interesting" comments. First, I would just ignore Schnitz. I think she/he just wants attention. Could even be a jealousy issues from not getting enough attention.

    I'd also have to agree with the comment about the lady who adopted three and disrupted two. How can your adopted children not be your responsibility? I have two birth children and five adopted children. The issues and needs of all seven are equal because they are all equally my children. I had to place one in a home for troubled youth, but he was still my responsibility even then. I hope you didn't really mean that they weren't your responsibility and that there was a lot more than a borrowed sweater and loud music that made you disrupt. Those are pretty typical behaviors for any preteen/teen birth or adopted. I'd just give mr. hiphop a set of earphones.

    Children are a gift from God no matter how they arrive in your family. Sometimes one has to be removed for the safety of others but I would only do that after every effort has been made.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Kathy, I think that BArbara is being sarcastic... at least I hope she is.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Hey mom, now that We are not home you know how you wanted peace and quiet in your room When you write your book and how we are always in your room when you are on your laptop. Bugging you!! Well were not home for couple of days you could start your book before we come back . So injoy the peace before all of us come back!!!!!LOL!! I miss you. Love Rachel :)

    ReplyDelete
  16. I think "Barabara's" sarcastic comment reflects what many people felt when reading the second letter you published.

    I am not one who likes to pass judgement. We never know, truly, what another is going through.

    However, unlike other letters you have published concerning disruption, I found it very, very difficult--if not impossible--to sympathise with these caregivers.

    The letter spoke of a toubled teen. A troubled teen that, sadly, had the issues that so many teens have. Lying, unsavory internet usage and even stealing are attributes the most "healthy" teenager can have. Those born in stable, loving and safe homes can have the "issues" the letter spoke of.

    As I said, I found it nearly impossible to feel sympathy towards the reasons for disruption...because upon finishing reading it I said to myself "that sounds like the teen down the block."

    Teenagers, ones who have emotional scars and those that don't can be extremely difficult to "live with." Declarations of hate, overt sexual jokes and language, disruptive and innapropriate behaviour...it all speaks of, again sadly, so many teens of today.

    However, parents of teens do not look at an internet history, an exorbitant cellular bill or even, sometimes, acts of "theft" and decide they won't parent, that they are "too tired" to deal with it...they don't "give up.

    Parents of teens realize that while extremely difficult behaviours that were stated in the letter are a part of "teenagerhood" and they work through it, know the path will be difficult and, teeth clenched, walk that path offering a hand even if it pushed away.

    (I say stated in the letter because he issues in the letter were so common as to lead to so many being "cruel" in the comments. To say "that sounds like my teen" or "that sounds like my neighbours teen" there may very well be deeper issues that are leading to this "need" for disruption...but that was never expressed in the letter, which led to the reaction you got here)

    Amy H.(sorry no google account)

    ReplyDelete
  17. Happy Anniversary! I hope you have a wonderful evening celebrating together.

    I hope the family you mentioned is able to locate the family which is the right match for their son. Thank you Christine for being there for so many families in need.

    ReplyDelete
  18. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I'm amazed that so many comments from adopters are seen as positive and publishable while those from adoptees who understand the pain of the teen adoptee who is being treated like a commodity are treated as negative.Don't YOU think it is appalling that a young person should be treated as he has been? Don't you think a family that big cannot possible see to the specific needs of all in it?And don't you see that children with specific needs need very special families with special skills? Some children are not adoptable nor should be put under the pressure to adapt to family life that adoption brings.This teen boy may be one or he may be showing normal teen behaviour,or both,hard to tell without a proper assessment by a professional. Doesn't being a 'forever family' mean forever whatever happens?

    ReplyDelete
  20. I could be wrong Christine, but I think many people take offense to the posts that seemingly advertise children like you were placing them on EBAY. Imagine how that child would feel should he ever find out about that.

    I am of the opinion, that when you adopt, you are making a lifetime commitment. Would you advertise a bio child on the net? There is much more that I am sure many could take issue with. I am not trying to be mean. The post actually made me want to weep it was so horrid.

    Bailey

    ReplyDelete
  21. Barbara, I hope you're joking.

    I remember extremely clearly of when I was about 10, and I was at a friend's house, when the younger sister who was exceptionally annoying did something horrible, and I said that if she was a princess she shouldn't be crying - trying to calm her down. For some reason the mum HIT THE ROOF(Oh my gosh, I'd spoken back to her little angel!!). I was not only told that I was going home, and that I was never to come back (she was actually babysitting me while my parents worked) She didn't just dump me home. She took me to her mother down the road, and told that woman all about how horrible I was and that she was taking me home. (And told everyone else that she knew on the way to and fro)
    She didn't end up taking me home. She took me back to her house, talked about forgiveness and God, then demanded that I apologise to her conniving little daughter.
    I only did it because I would have been sitting out the front of the house for 5 hours until mum got home if I didn't.
    Everytime I had to go back there (at least once a week) I was always treated differently. It also took me far longer to find God, possibly as a result. I didn't want anything to do with her, so I rejected that as well.

    I remember this perfectly. Kids don't forget being treated like that. There is always some sense of betrayal, from hearing them tell others they don't want you. That's why I believe after all of this, D should be disrupted. If I were in his position I would have lost trust in the parents as much as they have lost trust in him.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I realize my above post was rather bitter and un-Christian like. Forgiveness is something I often struggle with, and I have a tremendous talent for holding grudges.

    I know that forgiving others is important. I often say that people who say they are "Christian" but then act in a prejudiced or unkind way are not really Christian, and I occaisionally do lump myself in with that lot. God is good, but I am often not, though I work hard every day to improve that.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I have to say that Amy H's comment was spot on.


    The tone of that letter was so judgemental. I feel so badly for the boy. If these individuals cannot handle the troubles of a teen boy--then he deserves a home that will embrace him, accept him and see him for who he is...not for what he is thought to be.

    I also couldn't help wondering; if this was their biological son would they decide to cease being his parents ?

    YOU Christine did nothing wrong. I see your heart for these kids, your pupose in publishing these letters.

    It was the letter itself that was the problem. So many here have been 'negative' because the letter gave such a strong feeling of "We don't like this kid. Since he's not our own, we can give him away." It is so unfortunate because it reinforced the idea that so many have that disruption is only about giving a child away like a puppy that has piddled on the carpet too much.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Christine,
    I am so pleased to see that you received a laptop for Christmas. I think you'll find it is much easier to write when you can steal away for a few moments and aren't chained to a desktop computer. What a thoughtful gift.

    And if you're willing to share some time, I'd love to know whaat your book is about!
    Sara P.

    ReplyDelete
  25. All of my six kids are birth kids from the same mom and dad, raised in the same Christian family.

    Each one is different. Each one has different struggles, different talents, different personalities, different besetting sins.

    Even on the worst days, and I will spare you the details of some horrible prodigal years, I CAN'T send them back where they came from! Not an option! :)

    I wasn't able to read the previous posts, but I will just pass on this encouragement to parents with struggling teens - press on! Keep seeking the Lord, keeping looking to His Word for wisdom. We have had many miracles over the years and watched their hearts turn back to the Lord in an area where they were denying Him access.


    Parenting is the hardest job we'll ever have. But, it isn't just about growing up kids, it's about parents growing up in their faith. Nothing will test and prove our faith more than a children. :)

    Blessings to your, Christine, in your new year!

    ReplyDelete
  26. Christine, I did not realize your posts were deleted until today. I did not think they were offensive at all. Just one Mom trying to help another family. Keep up the great work! And I too LOVE LOVE LOVE the Kohl's cash!

    ReplyDelete
  27. I will not lie and say I have ANY idea what I would do if I had adopted children, and they had acted out. I hope that I would do everything in my power to love them and help them. I am so glad my brother and I were raised by our birth parents because we might have been disrupted if adopted. The trouble my brother got into! LOL We lived in a small town, and there were a couple of times my dad picked him up from the police station. I did my fair share of things that I should have not done. Thankfully our parents loved us and kept on with the fight until one day we were no longer teens and had regained sanity. I think we both turned out fine. We both have college degrees. My brother is a successful business man. I stay home now because our twins have special needs.
    I believe not all people are meant to be adoptive parents. I have a friend who had trouble getting pregnant. I talked with her about adoption. After our discussion I knew she could never love an adopted child like the child was her own.
    I hope they find a good loving home for this child. God bless them.

    ReplyDelete
  28. I didn't see the original post or comments, but I think I can shed some light on why so many people are 'judgmental'.

    First, there's always the question of whether a biological child with similar issues would be 'disrupted' - turned over to the state, complete with parental rights being severed. From what I've observed, the answer to that is usually 'no'. Most people, including myself, believe that those who can't be just as committed to parenting adopted children as they are to their own genetic offspring shouldn't adopt.

    Second, it's well-known that older children and children adopted from a previous disruption can have all sorts of problems adjusting to life with their new family - and who can blame them? I don't know if any of that applies in this case, but if it does, the parents should have known what they might be getting into. If they were't prepared to deal with the worst-case scenarios, they shouldn't have created the situation in the first place.

    You can criticize me for being unwilling or unable to adopt a child like that boy, but the fact is, he'd probably have been better off if they hadn't adopted him in the first place. I recognize that thoughtlessly taking on more than I can handle has the potential to ruin innocent children's lives, and I think it's too bad that his previous parents didn't.

    ReplyDelete
  29. "Wow. What "interesting" comments. First, I would just ignore Schnitz. I think she/he just wants attention. Could even be a jealousy issues from not getting enough attention."

    Why should we ignore her? She makes a very valid point. You're the one who's being unkind and insulting her, when she didn't insult you.

    Most of this "kid advertisements" (and that's what they are) specify that the adopting family must be Christian. Why is this? Surely you don't think all non-Christians are bad parents? And surely being a Christian does not guarantee that one is fit to parent... after all, look at the disrupting family.

    But I think what disturbs me the most is that somebody made a point that makes you unconfortable and instead of wondering why that is, or considering if there's any merit to her question, you jump to "let's ignore her". Why? That's not how the world works. Different opinions don't go away just because we stick our fingers in our ears. That's not how adults behave.

    ReplyDelete

I find your comments so inspiring! Thanks for visiting our family blog, and sharing your thoughts.