Sunday, November 20, 2011

One Less Adoption Dissolution

Sometimes I have to step away from a situation when I am deeply involved.  This is often true with my children when we are in the midst of conflict because when I am up close-- I often can't see the whole picture.  So I step back.  This has been a wonderful parenting tool-- when I remember. 
It gives us both the opportunity to offer up peace through our silence, and gain patience when our frustration levels are high.  It allows us the chance to humble ourselves-- if we so choose.
Stepping back to take a deep breath is a powerful parenting tool indeed.
I think it is a life skill worth carrying into adulthood-- and applying to all areas of your life.
I may know this, but often I forget it.

A few weeks ago, I was emailed about a teenage girl who was being disrupted yet again-- a total of four families-- one of the families twice.  Before stepping back, my reaction was no way.  So was my husband's.

We felt that the family had to keep her no matter what-- because of the circumstances.  We most certainly would not, could not, be this girl's new family.

That is, until we stepped back.
After trying unsuccessfully to get the family to keep her, we realized that this child would be put into foster care if a family wasn't found.

After much prayer and consideration, John and I were ready to take her in through guardianship until she was ready to say yes to adoption.  It is hard to explain the peace we had with this decision,but it was there.   In no way was this going to be easy, we were sure to lose a few friends, but we knew it was right.

Tickets were booked by the disrupting family.  I was nesting like crazy because she was set to come.  Our hearts were prepared...

And then at the last minute, the family changed their mind... again.

It is hard to get anyone to understand-- that we grieved.  We were kind of quiet-- keeping it inside-- but there was still a sense of loss.  My girls felt it too.  We had prepared our hearts to love another person and now that person wasn't coming. 

From what we have been told-- the family is doing well.  They are moving forward with the adoption-- for sure.  That is what I hoped for initially, so I think it is a good thing.  :)  I think that once they had emotionally stepped away, they realized what they would be losing-- and they changed their minds.

I wasn't sure whether or not I would ever share this.  As adoption dissolutions gain popularity amongst struggling adoptive families now more than ever, I myself struggle with the idea that making ourselves available to these families is in a way encouraging them.    The last thing I want to do is break up a family. 

I think that God knows this struggle that I have.  He was able to use this situation to show me once again that struggling adoptive families need to be encouraged, supported, and that I need to make myself more available than I do.  Being a support to these families isn't always enabling them to give up their children-- it is also enabling them to keep trying. 

11 comments:

  1. You are such a treasure Christine. I am so thankful for you, even though we've never met in real life. Thank you for continuing to be vulnerable....so that others may benefit. I would love to give you a great big hug.
    Holly

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  2. I hope everything works out for the girl and her family.
    And, I hope your family is able to grieve peacefully about the situation.
    I would not have judged you negatively for taking her in, rather I would have rejoiced that another "lost" child would have been accepted and loved. I love reading about your family, and wish more were accepting and stable as yours is.

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  3. I do totally understand your feeling of loss, for somebody you never had. I pray that this family will TRULY accept this girl with their whole hearts and love her completely.

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  4. You really are such a blessing Christine. ((HUGS)) I can imagine the anticipation followed by the sadness. I'm praying for you my friend. Also praying for this girl & her family~ that it will work well this time.
    Have a wonderful day
    Blessings
    Renata:)

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  5. It is bitter sweet and I can relate to your loss. Praying for you guys and the adoptive family. You are a blessing!

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  6. You and your family are amazing!!

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  7. So glad to hear that it all worked out! And, thankful that you were willing to admit both your feeling of disappointment and your admittance that it was a great thing despite your feelings. I have heard many say about adoption, "It is not about you" and it is so true but so often so hard to do. Thanks for your example and all you are doing for children that need families.
    We hope to be able to do our part as well and will be traveling soon!
    Cynthia
    http://www.adreamadoption.blogspot.com

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  8. Oh Christine, I know exactly how your heart feels right now. We thought we would be moving two more children in soon and the family that has them decided to move forward with their adoption also. In our case, the circumstances are not ideal and I still have sick feelings about the whole situation, as the family has said the adoption has to be final by the end of the year so they can get the adoption subsidy. I had only shared the situation with a very few friends IRL and no one understood us being willing to take them and certainly don't understand my grief.

    May God pour out His peace on you during this time. I love your heart!

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  9. I am praying for the family, that they will continue with their dedication in raising their daughter.

    We've had two similar situations recently, when we were supposed to take in two teenagers through guardianship, but it fell through, and I keep wondering how those two boys are doing, what they might be doing, how they are being treated.

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  10. Christine, I think you opening your heart to this family REALLY DID make them realize what they would be missing. Maybe that is why you said yes... but now you have to grieve but your grieve I can only hope will bring a young girl a good home and love.

    I think people need to understand there are families out there to help to listen and offer respite. Many people do not walk in your shoes...

    THanks for sharing your heart.

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  11. We just brought home our son a week ago who we are adopting because his first adoptive parents dissolved the adoption. Is there a support group for parents who have adopted a child via "disruption"? Please email me privately: ninegumdrops@yahoo.com Thanks for any help/information.

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I find your comments so inspiring! Thanks for visiting our family blog, and sharing your thoughts.