Willing to Change

I think humans in general feel most comfortable in familiar surroundings.  I know I do.

Change may be exciting, and good for us but it is not familiar and so it seems foreign... not normal... perhaps scary.  I think kids feel this way especially.   Whether they are making good choices or bad, they are comfortable in the spot they are in.  They feel safe because it is what they know.   This can be extremely discouraging when your child is making bad choices.  To suggest them to change is suggesting to them that you do not want them to be comfortable.  In fact it puts them in a scary place. 

Yet, God calls us to be a light.  He calls our kids to be a light.  Living in His will means being willing to change.  This is something that we need to carry with us, believe in ourselves as parents. 

It is so easy as parents of a challenging child, to get caught up in our own cozy little place too.  Playing the victim.  We feel that we try and try to guide our children in the light, but with no success.  We ourselves are stuck in the role of being the one who is talked back to, spit upon, yelled at, put down, disrespected, etc.

We know that things need to change, but being the nice one who is pushed around feels more normal.
As I type this, it brings back so many memories of when I believed it was all about poor ol' me.  Forget about the fact that I am the parent and they are the child-- I am the one that everyone should look to as the hero because I put up with so much.

As you can imagine, this was a dark time for me.  I was barely living with a night light on making my way down the dark hall.  I remember feeling that God's words... His promises.... His commands were only for some parents.  I didn't feel empowered to put my foot down and be the parent.

Now this may come as a big surprise, as it was something I kept to myself.
It was a place that I know wasn't good, but it was my normal.

And then something clicked.  Like a light was switched on.
As I read my bible, talked to other parents, and prayed, I came to realize that I wanted change.
I needed change.  Even if it was not going to be easy.

I am the parent now.  Not everything I do needs to be explained to my kids.  When they make poor choices, they suffer the consequences, not me.  If they have a bad day at school, they can't come home and boss me around because they don't like their consequence.  If they forget to do something, they can't yell and argue when I tell them there is a consequence.  If they make a poor choice and as a result have a privilege taken away, I am not the bad guy.   No.  When my kids make a bad choice, the consequences are their own... something they earned all on their own.  And they know this.

But at the same time, I remember that humans like to be in familiar surroundings.  Especially kids.  Sometimes those surroundings are not healthy.  They consist of living in a world where their actions continually break down relationships with people that care about them.  It's a dark place.  They don't know any other way and the alternative is down right scary.

So I help my child.  When they are making good choices, the freedoms are still very limited.  That seems counter intuitive I know, but it helps them feel comfortable.  When they are in trouble they don't have freedom and if they suddenly are allowed to do whatever they want because of right behavior, they don't know what to do.  Yes, I give small privileges like earning a movie, but if they have a great day I don't allow them unlimited access to television.  That would be a whole 180 degree change.

We take it day by day.  One right act gets one freedom.  Make more good choices, and the reward simply is the experience of being around loved ones and enjoying each other's company-- without yelling-- without animosity.  Bake cookies.  Go for a walk.  Run errands together.  Good behavior for one week doesn't mean that my kids have earned a cell phone or the privilege to go to a party till midnight.  No, the privilege is the simple blessing of a peaceful family.  When the change of my child happily accepting this becomes the norm, then they are ready for more change like allowing them an extra freedom.  It is a slow process.  But this builds our relationship so that we both learn to deal with change because we know that we can look to each other for support. Am I making any sense?

I also talk to them about their feelings and how I believe that sometimes they get into trouble because it is their comfortable spot.  To talk respectfully and open minded rather than yelling defensively is a big change.  It is scary.  I acknowledge that for them, and it makes a difference.

Change is hard.  But when you do it together, it becomes a team effort.  And you always get more accomplished when you are a team.