I am not sure if I was supposed to know this or not. I think it just kind of slipped out. Morning kindergarten happened to end right as I finished up my meeting with the district nurse to go over Alex's care at school and was walking out to the parking lot with Dennis when I ran into his teacher.
"So how did Dennis' day go?"
His teacher said Dennis had a great day except for the problem she had with one of her afternoon kindergartners.
"Whhhhaat?" I asked inquisitively.
I think she assumed I knew.
But I hadn't heard. No one had told me.
But now, I needed to know.
The teacher said how all the kids just went with the flow excepting Dennis just like any other kid. Except for one little girl.
When she came to class she immediately freaked out--- BIGTIME--- calling Dennis scary.
Basically having a total freak out she repeated screaming and crying over and over and over how scared she was of Dennis. Enough so that she had to be removed from the class as to not get the other kids all worked up.
The teacher finished with, "I guess her parents didn't talk with her at home."
You think?
And had I not ran into the teacher, would I have even found out?
When John got home he had a good talk with Dennis about his first day of school.
After, John came to me--
"Christine that is not the only thing that little girl said. She also told Dennis how messed up his teeth are."
My immediate not so nice response-- "He should have done this!"
Okay okay, I know that would have made things worse, but really? She had to be removed from the classroom because she couldn't gain control because she was so scared of Dennis? Really?
34 comments:
Christine, I know your mama heart wants to protect him and that your intentions are good. However, the same way that Dennis and Alex are children... so is this child. Maturity levels happen at different rates for every person, and you know this from your own experiences.. just because you are 12 doesn't mean you behave 12 (remember the post about your girls and their maturity?) I would at a minimum try and contact this child's parents as education is often the most important thing you can offer. Praying for y'all and I hope Dennis wasn't too traumatized :( Poor baby.
Wow! It sounds like the parent didn't do the 'talk' that the letter suggested parents do before the first day of school. Something tells me that maybe the parents of the little girl have made fun of others in her sight. How would she learn to do that? I am just guessing.
Aww, I'm so sorry. Kids and adults both can be so cruel sometimes. I really hope that he will learn to have the most positive outlook on life that nothing bothers him.
I hate this for Dennis and for you, but maybe there's something "wrong" with the little girl? Honestly, something to consider... maybe she has issues of her own. I pray they can become friends. Give him extra love from me tonight, from afar. This makes my heart hurt.
Wow, that is ridiculous. Poor Dennis, he deserves a lot better than that.
When my little girl was little, 'differences' in other children scared her. I don't know why, but I think she was already uncomfortable with other kids from the baby home and it had a unpleasant association or something. She also though any time another child cried they were being naughty. Even if they were crying because they were hurt or something. Kids don't have the tools to reason like we do. Take care.
That's a rough start to a school year :( please don't be too mad at the little girl...remember she is the same age of Dennis, a little girl that might have been emotional and overly anxious about school...and when children that are upset already start crying it is HARD to make them stop.... hope it gets better!
Is it possible this little girl suffers from paranoia or an anxiety condition? I used to suffer from paranoia when I was her age and any little difference or change in others sent me over the rails in fear. One particular moment was when I was visiting the dentist with my mom and a mentally challenged gentleman who was in a wheelchair was being worked on in the room next door to us. He started going into meltdown mode and I could hear this in our room and I completely shut down and went into crying hysterics and had to be taken out of the office. Although I looked normal the way my brain processed differences and things wasn't the same as my typical peers.
Unfortunately a young child does not have the capability to "self monitor" in such a situation. While I would deal with my child if I heard he/she said something mean, you need to anticipate the things that could cause him pain and do whatever possible to protect him.
Hi! This is very sad, I think you handled it correctly.Children can be very cruel. Pat
That is awful for Dennis and agonizing for you, but such a young child isn't being mean or cruel. Her parents undoubtedly didn't talk to her and her distress might even mean that she has EXTRA doses of compassion. I was just reading that humans are actually wired to react in an adverse way when they see injury. That makes sense - if the person in front of you was just hurt, you might be next - DANGER! These things can go directly from eye to nervous system without hitting the thought process - and if she wasn't prepared to meet Dennis, all the worse.
Yep, that does not sound like cruelty to me, either. That sounds like a very sensitive, frightened child!
My sister - who has visible physical differences - first met the girl who became her best friend in kindergarten, when her BF told the classroom aide that she didn't like my sister. Then she asked if my sister was hurt. When the aide said, "I don't know - let's ask her!" as a way to facilitate interaction between them, BF completely melted down because she believed school was an awful place where the adults wouldn't even notice if children became horrifically injured while under their care. She cried so hard she gave herself a nosebleed and needed to be taken to the nurse's office.
Today, when people ask them how long they've been friends and how they first met, they have a great story to tell!
Anyway, what seemed like unkindness on the surface was actually a reflection of BF's sensitive and loving heart - she didn't want anyone to get hurt or be in pain, but she didn't have the skills to express herself clearly.
Even after they were the best of friends, BF would sometimes say things like, "Your legs are really wrong, and your hands are a little bit wrong. And your eyes are wrong too." She was actually trying to pick a recess game that would include my sister, so she was thinking out loud and trying to figure out what my sister's limitations were. She didn't realize she was being rude, because she wasn't thinking any mean thoughts in her mind - sometimes little kids are just so innocent.
So it is possible that this girl who was so scared of Dennis might be extra-sensitive for whatever reason and lack the tools to express herself appropriately. BF's sensitivity meant she grew up to have a heart for people with special needs - she serves as program coordinator for a medical mission in addition to her daily work as an OT.
Sorry to write a novel in your comments section, but your story reminded me so much about the way my sister met her best friend!
-Kirstie
(Sorry to be anon, but I had to delete my blog for privacy reasons!)
Oh Christine, kids can be cruel, but I don't think this little girl was cruel so much as scared. Anyway, it sounds as if Dennis has a great home life and that will make up for a lot, both now and in the future.
Sarah
My older daughter is irrationally scared of lots of things, even after talking to her to prepare her. Im sure it hurt dennis's feelings and thats sad. But that little girl wasnt trying to be mean, she was scared and sometimed little kids cant control that response no matter how irrational it seems :( Give her time and i bet she will become one of his bestfriends. What a growing expirience for her!!
I do think the parents are at fault here. Doubt they even spoke w/ their daughter. Sorry to hear this. Hate to say it but he will encounter this all the way up through school most likely. My son just last year in 5th grade had run ins w/ a few kids on the bus refusing to sit by him b/c his fingers were so messed up. Now, my son has learned to cope w/ all comments about his prosthetic leg, hand deformities, etc. w/ humor. And lots of it. Kids a natural comedian and has enough friends no one pays attention to the negative comments any more. I'm sure Dennis will have friends in no time and this will become such a distant event for him. What the girl did was clearly uncalled for but probably a natural scared response. I do hope the school though speaks w/ the parents on what happened or it will happen again. However, the little girl may have been scared. At that age, they can not self-control as much. Kids stare at some of my kids all the time. Kindergarten especially as that is when they are learning about various differences. Now, my kids that were stared at for the implant on their head or various deformities are older and have plenty of quality friendships. It's a learning experience for all. Hard to work through in the beginning b/c as parents our nature is to protect. Stephanie
I think she was frightened. It is unfortunate but you should take responsibility for his teeth. You said way back you were not getting the rotten ones fixed, maybe you should have. I hope you don't take this the wrong way, just keeping it real. You and your family see Dennis everyday and never notice his eye but for someone who has never seen Dennis he might appear scary until they get to know him. Unfortunately, your family lives in the most body and looks conscious State that there is.Hope the rest of his week is better. Kristen
oh my goodness...poor little Dennis :(
What an absolute HORRID response that little girl had....in my mind I'm saying MUCH more....but I'll leave it at that!
Why don't parents teach COMPASSION and love to their children????
I'm praying for Dennis and his sweet little heart <3
That is sooo sad! I am sorry that Dennis had to go through that. He is such a sweet boy and very tenderhearted.
I am SO SORRY Dennis had to see this and hear....BUT I also agree with others....You see Dennis all the time..BUT for some people/ children, his appearance can be shocking at first....I have followed your blog a long time and don´t even see Dennis anymore except for the cutie he is...But I would be a lair if I did not admit the first time I saw him I was somewhat....stunned....
I myself have a large scar on my face and everyone in my family admits they don´t even "see" it when they look at me...but I sometimes get asked what happened from people who I recently met....
NOT at all saying lil girl was "right"...just that some kids have quirks and this may be one...
P.S. I have never ever made fun of anyone in this sense in my life and yet I´ll never forget the day I was on the beach and a woman with dwarfism passed by and my 4 yr old yelled Look MAMA!! Look!....I was like shhh and gave her a longgg talk after that....
Hugs to you and Dennis
Have you seen that scene in Hand That Rocks the Cradle? Only have vague memories of it, but Rebecaa De Mornay says something to a child that is being mean. I know it's wrong, but some days you just want to be her!!!!
Probably not intentionally cruel, but still... these parents could have made an effort to prepare her. Do you know if the parents have been told about this (since you weren't, initially) and if they have been coached or given advice on how to handle their daughter acting this way?
I once babysat a little girl their age. I remember picking her up from school her first day of kindergarten... there was another little girl with Down Syndrome in her class, and she had never seen anyone with Down Syndrome. She kept telling me this girl was scary and looked like a bug. For sure, not intentionally cruel, but unless we talk to our kids at that age and teach them, than they will probably grow up to be those adults that ARE intentionally cruel...
Nikki
www.madebynikki.blogspot.com
I find myself educating other people's children (parents present too, I'm that bold!)after a certain age (10 is about my limit for believing they should know better...) that staring or other obvious and rude behaviors are not appropriate. I actually had to take on a dad defending his kids and he recoiled at "Go home and thank God your children were not born with disabilities." He had no answer :) Makes me feel better, but doesn't help my child. We talk constantly at home about what to do if these situations arise, and then debrief their feelings when they happen.
Actually, I am impress that so many parents DID follow through and work with their kids before school. Who knows, maybe that girl and Dennis will become best friends after all this!
OH I definitely think by age 10 a child should know better!!!
Funny you should mention this....My 3.5 yr old went to a morning camp this year and had a boy with down syndrome in her class and she said she was afraid of him....But I owed that more to his behavior (he was a bit agressive, hit other kids etc) then to his having down syndrome...
I guess a good undrestanding of both side is good...But I really od think the parent of this lil girl need to talk to her, help her...
Christine , I do undertand your outrage though...Your love for Dennis is so great....:)
It does sound as if the parents of that little girl did not prepare her at all. Could it be possible that they did not get the communication from the school about Dennis? (missed on the mailing list, new to the school ... these things can happen and perhaps it truly isn't their neglect).
I also agree with those who pointed out that it almost certainly was not the girl intentionally being cruel. It does totally come accross as insensitive and cruel ... but as others have eloquently put it, it's likely not based in cruelty.
Our son is now going into grade one. When he was in J.K. we were at swimming lessons (in the changeroom) and he commented (hopefully the lady did not hear) that he didn't like "that lady" because her skin was dark??? I was floored and mortified!!!!!!!! We have family friends with dark skin, my brother's best friend is from India with the darkest skin you could imagine (and ds had been in social situations with him and he is the kindest, funniest person so there would be not negative association for him), we are TOTALLY not racist and he would NEVER have even gotten a vibe about skin colour being negative. His older sister had just finished S.K. with a fabulous teacher from Burundi (she is dark-skinned) and our daughter never saw any skin colour differences. (it was like she was colour blind). She made a comment once that her teacher and another boy of African descent had different and neat hair but that seemed to be the only thing she noticed as different.
Anyhow ... I didn't react too strongly in the changeroom. You bet though that we had many back-and-forth discussions after that about how God made all people and some have different colour skin, we are all in God's family, etc.
I was worried that when ds had the same teacher as dd, he'd say or act inappropriately again ... but it never came up. Of course we had lots of talk about what a wonderful teacher Mme. "B" is, etc. so that he'd enter the class with a positive attitude. We just never did that with dd and for her it wasn't necessary. Had it not been for the swimming lesson comment ... I would have just sent ds to school with no prep on skin colour and that might have been a disaster.
There are other instances, too, that have come up with both kids hwere they have been insensitive towards others. As parents, we try to anticipate "things" and be proactive ... but sometimes insensitivty happens and we must use those times to teach and enlighten.
All that being said (sorry so lengthy) ... you are Dennis' Mamma and to be on the recieving end of the situation, I can empathize with your sadness and being upset and angry.
I really liked the story above (in the comments) about the best friends who had an "interesting" start. I hope Dennis becomes friends with this girl and that school is a positive school experience. Of course he is blessed to have such a loving family!
MariaG (Canada)
I will try to make sure to pray for Dennis, but I believe that little girl - while a bit rude, shouldn't be looked down upon because of such a simple mistake - sure it hurt feelings and it was wrong, but I understand. She probably might scare easier than others. Like how some kids barely grow out of being afraid of the dark! (Me)
Anyway though, Dennis is a lovely child, can't wait to hear more!
Because that child's reaction was so extreme, and it was VERY extreme, I would have a tendency to think she has something going on...aspergers, severe anxiety, etc. I know full well my first instinct when dealing with this kind of stuff with my kids is to jump into super protective mode (you should have seen me with Axel's halo! I finally made him a shirt that said, "stop staring!") Who knows why the parents didn't talk to her about it. If she has anxiety disorder, it could be that talking to her about it would have made her obsess about meeting Dennis and freak out even worse than she did. But now that you're a couple days out from this you can take a step back and ask the teacher some questions. "I know you can't tell me anything about this child, so I'm going to assume she has other issues going on if she was that freaked out. Is there some information or anything I can give to the family that might help them teach their daughter about this?"
One of our relatives had a terrible time with Axel's halo. She is just very easily nauseated (for real, it's not even for drama!) and the whole "screw in his head thing" just made it really difficult for her to even talk to him. She adores Axel...she couldn't handle the hardware. (I pray she never has to deal with any medical issue with her typically developing children!) We took to putting a baseball cap on him, which kind of hid the pins a bit.
As mom to a kindergartner and a teacher, I do not think this girl was being cruel at all. Her parents obviously didn't explain to her and Dennis does have obvious scars. Children at that age do not have "filters" so to speak and say what they are thinking/feeling. She obviously feels uncomfortable around persons with disabilities. I really don't think it is mean of her. I am an adult and I am not comfortable at all with sick people and detest hospitals, as do many adults I know. I happen to think Dennis is adorable, but also realize why a five year old would have reacted that way. I know you hurt because you are his mom and love him with all your heart, but remember, most people don't know why Dennis has those scars and will probably stare or have some sort of obvious reaction. It seems cruel to you, but it is part of human nature.
The girl was not cruel, or heartless. She was a frightened child who was most likely overstimulated by being in class, missing her home and the like.
As adorable as dennis is, we all know him. And to a child, a picture is far different then the reality. Far different. To a child? You must realize that dennis looks different...and to many children that is frightening.
This girl needs your prayers and understanding. Not your anger.
The best way to teach is through love and understanding. Perhaps you can learn who the parent is, and enquire as to how the child is. Perhaps you can ask if the girl would like tonask you questions and you can answer them on neutral ground, and show the parents and the child what true love is.
I feel for the girl.
Kids can be cruel, but I would say this little girl was scared and upset. Cruel is saying You look weird, you can't play - not crying and being afraid. A child that age cannot control his or her emotions any more than Dennis can control the scars on his face. You may find that this little girl is extremely kind and sensitive and was so upset because she didn't know or believe that dennis was not hurt or sick and is just a regular kid who looks a bit different. Poor Dennis for having to hear her say she was afraid of him - how terribly upsetting for him, and for you! Trusting that as his peers get to know him he will be treated for who he is - something we all deserve.
So sorry, I can truly say been there done that. It is heartbreaking to a parent to hear this but worse to witness. But I have learned if you tell the child that your child is just different and that is okay, it sometimes changes things. Somedays I feel I have to tell everyone that my daughter has brain damage...I hate explaining. Somedays I just want to get a shirt printed up!
Christine, I am so sorry that Dennis had to deal with that. I can't imagine anyone being scared of that sweet boy! He is amazing:-) It has been such a joy to watch him grow up to be a big school boy now!
I have to agree with the other wise comments here. It sounds to me like the little girl was unprepared and frightened. Of course she was in tears and upset. Dennis is a sweet lovable little boy :). He is also different in appearance and those differences can be frightening to a young child.
I am actually more upset at your thoughts/reactions towards the little girl. Mama-bear is appropriate at times but this doesn't seem to be one of those times. She needs your compassion and caring..not your anger and scorn.
Kris
(sorry for the annon but I don't have a blog)
Oh come on, she's a little girl. Little kids are scared of all sorts of things. How would you feel if an adult criticised 4-year-old Dennis for being terrified of something that he logically shouldn't be scared of?
I don't think this was cruelty. It feels cruel, sure. But cruelty is picking on people and being nasty for the sake of it. This little girl sounds terrified.
Leah S could be right, maybe the girl has other issues which amplified her reaction and fear. But at the same time I think it's wrong to assume, let alone act on that assumption (eg, saying to the teacher "I assume she has other problems").
When I first met my dear friend Danilo in daycare I was scared of him too, he had leg braces and talked funny because of his cleft palate, but for sure, when my mother saw him she understood she had to talk me about his condition, and about the fact that there was nothing to be afraid of. I don't think kids aren't cruel they simply say what they think, parents instead are often masters of ignorance.
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