It has been an ongoing problem in our house. Some of the children sneak food. No matter how many times I have addressed it, it seems to keep coming up. Now Dennis is doing it. The lone chocolate chip on the floor gave it away this time. To say I was upset and disappointed would be an understatement. Sneaking food equates to stealing in my book... period.
Immediately someone said it was Dennis. I should have known. He is the king sneaker right now. One day it was a pepsi in the play place. Another day it was a backpack full of capri suns. Last week it was a box of fruit snacks. Poor guy can't even hide the evidence... I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
After assessing the damage my calculations told me that Dennis had a few accomplices. Five pounds of chocolate chips is a lot for anyone. As my expression and tone changed as I dived into confrontation I was caught off guard when Annalyn immediately admitted to having snuck them too. I sent her off to bed without hesitation.
The other kids involved were not as quick to confess and they all blamed each other as bad examples. Anastasia couldn't understand why she would get in trouble today if she snuck the chips two days ago. Try explaining that one to a child who only understands 50% of what you are saying.
I sent them off to bed with the promise of no more treats for a while. I am kicking myself now for saying that since it will be hard to follow through. Oh well... I had a bigger issue still looming overhead.
I felt the need to go and talk to Annalyn. I was actually very proud of her for telling me about the sneaking without any prompting from me. I was even more impressed when she didn't argue when I sent her to bed. It would have been so easy for her to argue... she didn't even have to confess to me the truth about the chips... that her honesty should count for something. But oh precious daughter, it does. Annalyn's honesty and and self control from arguing is such a sign of growth that I couldn't help but notice. So I went to her and gave her grace as I praised her for her right behavior.
In retrospect, I wish I would have handled things differently the moment Annalyn told me. My gut reaction was from years of dishonesty-- not an acceptable excuse but a sign that I was not expecting change like I said I was. Here I was telling her that I was waiting all these years for her to take that leap and I didn't even catch her when she finally did.
But I can't beat myself up because the past is the past. So I went to her with words of encouragement and grace-- not because she deserved it (afterall she still stole the chips) but because she acknowledged the truth.
It is such a blessing to watch her grow.
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17 inspiring thoughts:
I don't which impresses me more... Annalyn's honesty, or the way you handled the whole situation. I'm so inspired by both. Thank you for continuing to share your family. I have a food sneaker too, and it's one of my bio kids (so it's not like he feels that he has to do it for survival or anything like that).
Good for you going back to speak with Annalyn. It is hard to set pride aside but it speaks volumes to our children. You are a wise woman and wonderful mom.
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off subject sorry
Just noticed the pic of Paul in the side bar with his grown out beautiful blonde hair. He is adorable!
but you DID notice! just not at the moment when you were trying to figure out who did it. I have sneakers too. Ethan is the main sneaker. I rarely buy choco chips because he will eat the entire package in the night before I can use them for anything. he puts a spoon in the hot choco powder and eats that he eats anyones candy or chocolate from anywhere he can get his hands on it. INCLUDING MY DRESSER DRAWAR! he was such a little tiny thing when he came home, barely even 2. where does this come from? adhd? fae? what? it isnt because we dont eat a big dinner because we eat very late, like right before bed and he still sneaks out to snack. I feel your pain on that one.
I love this post for a number of reasons. I think you are a wonderful mom and the grace you showed Annalyn even though she was wrong is definatly a learning and bonding moment for her and you. I also belive the same as you that sneaking is the same as stealing. It has taken a long time and we still have the occational "sneak" from Oksana here. (Hard for her to get away with it when she only has one sibling and her brother isnt tall enough or old enough to reach or understand.) I often wonder if my reactions are that of any other mom and while reading this post I realized you reacted the same as I have. Yes, I have had that moment..."No more treats for a while"
If she asks the answer is usually yes or wait for later. If she sneaks, the answer is NO and not for a while. :)
Great Job Annalyn for telling the truth even though you knew there was a consequence! You made your mom proud of you!!! (And all of us too!)
Catherine
As far as she understands it, she is thinking you sent her to her room so you could settle the issue with the others first...no harm done.
We had food issues for years with two. And if I offered the food, they wouldn't take it but would sneak out later and take it. And yes, I treated that as stealing because it is. Finally had to put an alarm on their door at night but couldn't watch them every minute of the day. Started with food and progressed to iPods and cell phones so hang in there.
Sounds like a scenario that could have played out in our home. Thanks for sharing.
Blessings,
S
I do not blame you for being upset. In my eyes that is stealing food or snacks from the rest of the family. So they did need to be punished in some way. I am sure the older ones at their age having to go to bed early (assuming it was early) was punishment to them.
However, surely you did not just laugh of Dennis doing his fair share of taking stuff which should be taught to him as stealing too. It is not far to the others to punish them and do nothing but laugh at Dennis. I understand he is a small little guy and does not understand what having to go to bed early really means just yet. But surely you did punish him in some way that got his attention to where he understand that taking food or whatever is unacceptable.
Personally a few swift pops on the behind should get his attention if they are hard enough for him to feel that is.
Sarah
That is awesome growth!!! Praise God!! You are doing a great job, Christine:-)
I'm going against the tide here, but I don't know that I see it as simple as theft. I have a few "slick fingers" around here, mostly with the chocolate chips and other treats like that. We have chosen to deal with it as a matter of dishonest behavior. Lying by omission, if you will.
I realize that it may sound like splitting hairs but I feel like labeling it theft makes it more of a "us vs. them" scenario. Or at least sets up a feeling that all that stuff is "mine" and they aren't welcome or at home enough to have access to it. I desire to have our home feel accessible to all, safe to all and calling it stealing doesn't help me accomplish this.
That being said, neither do I have an open pantry policy, preferring instead that the kids ask for permission to forage for snacks and so on. This is pretty much for practical purposes: I need to know what we have and when we need more. We have always tried to answer the call for food when it's expressed (hunger or boredom or comfort alike), but we also need to know for food prep and shopping purposes WHAT is in the pantry and what is being consumed.
When they do sneak a handful of choco chips, they are lying by omission by NOT telling me that they are hungry. By NOT telling me that that is what they chose or what they are hungry FOR. I mean, who ISN'T hungry for some of those chocolate-y morsels once in a while?!
If and when I catch them, I deal with it as a lie. I explain that they are deceiving me (and my records) and that all the food in the house IS in fact for all of us, but that I need to be able to keep an accurate inventory so that I can do the things that they love, like me making cookies. So that I can be a good steward of the resources that God has given me charge over. I guess I can say this all because I see myself as really just stewarding the food resources that we bring into the house, as the mom and operations manager of our home. I take that role very seriously and I talk to the kids about it so that they know how I see my role in our home... planting seeds for their own homes and roles while I'm at it :)
Often, if it's been a long time between "catches" - the natural consequence of their deception is that I canNOT make the cookies or Congo bars that they requested. I have even gone so far as to make the one sneaking the chips to apologize to the rest of the family now that cookies won't be made.
Ive had many children in my home that were hoarders of food...mostly because the lack of it. My fellow foster parents also deal with food stealing and hoarding. We are not allowed to discipline the same way, many many rules we must follow. But I find that therapy helps a bit however we've had children in our stable home for years who still sneak.
I think you handled it well.
Don't beat yourself up; you DID pick up on it, and fairly quickly gave her the positives she deserved; I'm impressed because that is hard for anyone.
I have to say, I snuck food a bit as a child, and I never thought of it as stealing at the time - until the day when God first spoke powerfully to me. If I get a chance, maybe I'll blog about that soon.
Sneaking food wasn't a bit issue, though, as there was never anything much to steal. We never got deserts or snacks. My "sneaking" was pretty much reserved for left-overs when there were any. Pie, in particular. A tiny little bit off the edge.
It is similar at our house; I really don't keep things around that anyone would want, for the most part. The only thing that has happened that made me irate was when Ilya ate an entire box of the pre-cooked bacon for lunch, when it was intended to go into a dish and be the meat for the entire family for dinner. I was not a happy camper. On discussing it with him, though, I realized that there truly was nothing else for him to eat that day. So, I relented....and went to the grocery store!
Thank you for sharing. We've had issues with food sneaking as well. (bio kids) Usually things that are special that we don't have around all the time. Sometimes things from Grandma's house (and she Always gives them snacks) I went through a spell of sneaking food when I was a kid also (sugary stuff, I think I was 13) and stealing gum from the store! (when I was 8 or so)
I'm having such a hard time knowing how to deal with this in my own kids. They have consequences and I explain to them that these are things for the whole family and that if they eat extra then we don't have them for our meals. We talk about what to do in the face of temptation ect.
As a kid I snuck food all the time. I never thought of it as stealing and I still don't see it that way at all. Dishonesty, yes. Stealing, No. Does the food only belong to you? If you or your husband wanted a handful of chocolate chips what would you do? I agree with another commenter who said they made their child apologize to the rest of the family for the cookies they couldn't make, but to accuse the kids of stealing seems ridiculous.
I've never thought of sneaking food as stealing either. I have 3 adult children also and when they were younger I treated it as a selfishness issue. Even when one child took the package to the bathroom to eat and locked the door I accused that one of being selfish and when I bought that treat again that child was not allowed to have any of it. I see sneaking food a different kind of issue than stealing and would want to get to the real reason they felt like they had to sneak. I would also evaluate my need for being so strict or need for control of the pantry. With my 3 girls now I listen to when they tell me they are hungry and try to help them satisfy it in appropriate ways and have not had much of an issue with it so far. Chocolate chips do disappear in this house though and not sure who it is but heck I'm tempted by chocolate too.
Dishonesty, stealing, it's pretty much the same thing. Isn't it???
I have had moments like the one you described. You showed a lot of humility when you spoke to Annalyn about it later. What a good example for the rest of us! Thanks.
Our little Sam-Bam is the sneaker in our home. He will cover his mouth while he eating and yell at me for accusing him of taking food. Silly, silly! It is a definite problem, one I haven't found the solution to, yet. I am praying for the little guy and have faith Christ will lead us. He will lead you, too.
Me again. :) I noticed you still have my old blog on your side bar, In the Potter's Hands. If you want to keep in touch, could you please change it to hispenonmyheart.blogspot.com? Thanks!
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