It is hard to step out of my comfort zone. Sharing about Alex was incredibly uncomfortable for me. As I typed my feelings on the screen I was hoping that God would use my weakness in ways ways that I could not foresee. If God was able to use my story to encourage just one person than it was worth my little bit of discomfort. Oh how admitting my faults can be so hard for me.
But it was not me encouraging someone else as much as it was me being encouraged by a reader who now I consider a friend. What Michelle shared with me, is a true gift... though incredibly painful as well. Her powerful testimony that she was brave enough to share with me turned out to be my encouragement that I am ~enough~ for my son. Though we do not have the perfect love story-- it is a love story nonetheless.
Thank you, thank you, thank you Michelle. Thank you for your courage to share with me and allowing me to share with others. I am so sorry for your loss.. but believe me when I say.. your Alex will not be forgotten.
I'm a long time blog reader, since before you brought Dennis home. I read your blog today and wanted to tell you something privately, seeing you on FB made it easy lol.
I fostered a little boy many yars ago. He was my nephew, but he became my son. He had FAS and Von Willebrands disease, CP, speech delays, an eating disorder, and just unbelievable behavior issues. When you say Alex can charm the pants off strangers, you hit the nail smack on the head. That was MY alex, too. He bit, made himself vomit, screamed, beat his head into the fllor, pooped his pants on purpose...the list just went on and on.
I wanted so much to love him, and I did, but it was SO complicated. He tested me to the extreme limits of my life. And like you, I was glad SOMEONE else saw it, because I didnt want to be alone, believing I was an animal for not loving him "right".
Christine, I made the decision to allow Alex to be adopted by another family. I to this day believe it was the best choice for HIM. Stay with me here, k, there's a reason Im writing. I wanted him to get what I couldn't give him. I just could NOT find unconditional love for this little boy. I nurtured him, loved him, tried so hard to be MOM. Mostly I cried and doubted myself. Because he was a foster child, the state still had tremendous input. After 3 yrs here, they saw my struggle. I finally admitted it, I couldnt LOVE him the way I was sure he needed, my love for him was different, I didnt believe it was enough.
With their prodding, we allowed him to start getting to know another family, to place him there, he would be an only child... beloved. I believed that with all of me. On Sept. 11, 2000, he came home from a visit with them and told me the man had punched him. With his speech delay, I couldn't be sure if he said pinched or punched, and he was a VERY spleeny boy, you couldn't look at him wihout him crying. I called the foster care agency. An hour later, armed men came and took him away. :( I watched him carried away screaming MOMMY, over their shoulders. I was so torn, absolutely desperate to save him, absolutely desperate to let him go. But not like THAT. The man had called DHS to say he saw ME hit Alex. I believe he heard Alex tell me, and had to beat me to the phone.
No one listened, they thought I just wanted to hang onto him. 14 days later, on Sept. 25th, I got a phone call. Alex was on life support. A few days later, we found out the man confessed to beating Alex, suffocating him, almost since the day he left us. Alex was 3 yrs and 8 months old when he left us. He was gone only 14 days when this man became overwhelmed with some trivial little Alex thing...he pooped his pants. He paid with his life.
At least *I* didnt hurt him. At least *I* could keep him alive, fed, and the very best semblance of a family I could offer. I was not a lot of things, but I could keep him safe. I could love him enough to do what was best for HIM, even when I didn't feel it way down deep in my bones. He needed a mom, and wouldn't it have been wonderful if I could just love him completely and totally? I couldnt. But I loved him enough that HE never knew otherwise. Even if I was just going through the motions, I still did it.
I got my Alex back in a tiny white coffin, in a size 3 suit I picked out. I buried him with his preschool t-shirt, he loved that place. I spoke his eulogy, and the words came out right, and yet I was beating myself up. I let him go. I let him DIE. The guilt and grief of that will never go away. I have a place for it now, ten years later. But all I have left of him is the tree we planted at his preschool...a flowering crab tree...fitting. The school knew. I knew. And YES, it would have been awesome if I could have just loved him enough. I didn't, not then. But after I buried him, I knew that at least he had love, at least he was safe, fed, smiled at, forgiven.
He had the best I could offer him, and I wish I had held on longer.
I could have learned as he grew that it didn't have to be the perfect love story to BE a love story.
I could have just raised him and stopped berating myself for not doing it RIGHT.
Some kids are tough, some kids take every single thing we have to give and leave us screaming that we TRIED. I'm not telling you what to do, or how to feel. Just that I know how you feel, and I know the despair. But it beats a headstone in the ground, it beats a little boy forever three. It was good enough, and it could have gotten better.
I would really recommend to you that you use that gorgeous huge family of yours to help you here. Let one of the girls who is very attached to him do that bonding thing, share with her that you struggle, and give him the gift of understanding YOU. Allow him to get that nurturing from someone who does feel it, I'm sure one of the girls is head over heels for him. Allow yourself to step back and provide him with all you CAN and recognize and forgive yourself for the parts you can't. It sure as hell beats an orphanage, doesn't it?
We aren't perfect, and just because we WANT to love someone "enough" doesn't mean we can.
Believe me, if I could go back, I'd steal him out of the arms of those men who carried him away and bring him back here today, and KNOW that loving him the way I loved him IS enough. Please understand that I dont mean to intrude. I just hear your pain. Lived it. And as bad as it is, it could be much worse, you could be watching a little tree grow from a tiny sprite of a thing to a towering beautiful strong thing...instead of watching HIM grow.
Lastly, I leave you with a video of Michelle's Alex. May he rest in peace.
LinkWithin
33 inspiring thoughts:
Tried to post a comment, but it wouldn't let me! Will post again soon, but in the meantime, have faith in yourself, and trust in God, and know that 'good enough' is all we are required to be.
Wow. So powerful. Thank you Christine and thank you Michelle for sharing. I struggle with this and really needed to know I am not alone. Thank you so much.
My goodness..how very tragic...
Rest in peace Michelle's little alex..
What a very emotional and eye opening comment she left you. Reminders..reminders.not to beat ourselves up .
xx
To Christine and Michelle:
I am bawling my eyes out now knowing that I AM giving my child the love that he needs and I can give.
Thank you
Lisa.newmom2
What a totally heart breaking story for her to have shared. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Oh Christine this post spoke to me in ways I can never explain. Thank you so much for sharing this story. I will remember it forever.
I really enjoy your posts. You are a great mom to all your kids. Blessings to you and your family.
Wow, what a testimony. So GLAD that Michelle wrote this. :)
Some children, bio or adopted are WAY more challenging than others. I remember our 3 rd son was born mad, and he woke up mad for his first 4 years of life. In fact, I would lay in bed, and when he woke, there was this "growl" he would do, and I would feel overwhelmed....at 5:30 a.m.
LOL
Studying and choosing to love him, doing what was best for him was not easy...it required denying myself, every moment of every day and I am not exaggerating.
He was late potty training, hyperactive, difficult, etc. etc.
To this day, he holds the record for the most difficult child we raised. LOL
I found that if I was impatient with him, it was WORSE! If I spoke with him ( my bullish, brash little one) in the sweetest of voices, he responded WAY better. I discovered that inside his rough exterier, was a very tender hearted, little boy. He personalized EVERYTHING and had many unknown fears. He was afraid of the toilet, of being alone, of going in the car.... why? I'll never know, except that today, he really does lack "common sense". LOL
He is BRILLIANT beyond words, in seminary... He is married, has 2 little boys, one just like him....:)
AND....He is the most affectionate, sweet, loving son....He calls me nearly daily from another state and always says the same thing.... "Hi Mom, I'm just calling to see how you are. " And he is genuine. Not a brief hang up call. We talk about anything and everything....
When did it happen? When did we get on the same love page? I don't know.... sometime after he was 4. LOL Sometime after he woke up from his nap growling and I sat by his bed and said, "How about if when you wake up you say, "Mommy, I'm awake, instead of grrrrooowwwwlllll!"
And he did. LOL.
Wow, wow, wow...WOW. What a powerful message. Please tell your friend thank you for allowing you to share this with all of us. Thank you, Christine, for your life which is a powerful testimony.
I know you have heard all the "I also have a child..." comments. But I to am in this situation. And you don't know how much I am vindicated, am bolstered up by both of these posts. Thank you!
Wow, what a powerful story. Makes my heart ache.
Thank you (and Michelle) for sharing this painful memory. I also have a difficult child (now 8 adopted at 3 with multple special needs) who i wonder if I am really giving him the love that he needs, as we are not often on the same love page (to borrow a term from one of the other comments). But i know that I give him proper care, advocate for his needs, provide him with a safe, nuturing family, and that even when i don't have those strong in love with him feelings, that he does get that from other family members. My younger son now 4 (adopted at birth with multiple special needs) is one that am am head over heels in love with. I sometimes feel so badly that I don't feel that for my older son. But I do love and adore them both, just in different ways. And while I have toyed with the idea of maybe me NOT being enough for my older son, I am grateful for Michelle's story and can breath and know that with God, I am enough for my son.
Thank you. Posts like this help me to think of how to talk to my daughters (who are 4 and were adopted). There is drama and sometimes nobody is happy. Mom is supposed to be perfect and she isn't. Would they be better off with their birth moms? I have to believe that God put us together for a reason, and take it from there. PS, good luck with Alex! I know the love is there, even if you sometimes forget where you put it last!
This spoke to me. My bio son has a lot of special needs that disrupt our home daily. I have difficulty believing I am enough because I can't "fix" it. Thank you for sharing.
Please don't parentify any of your daughters to care for alex as a mother. it isn't fair to the girl - she's a child, too. Not a stand in for a mom. I am sure that you are loving alex enough, you are just too hard on yourself. you are working on it, and he's loved.
Christine,
If you'd like, I can e-mail you some info on something we've been doing with our Ryan. Bio son, but he's had MANY challenges in his life. This therapy we're doing is helping him in ways we could never imagine. E-mail me at Natasha at betaspace dot net if you'd like the info. I'll be e-mailing it to another mom who might benefit from it so I can send it to you as well once I'm done scanning the info.
Natasha
You know Christine, you really do inspire so many people just by being vulnerable. I am sure you have gotten many unkind comments over the years. Maybe even worse than unkind but you keep going and sharing and being REAL and in the process who knows (but God) how many people have been encouraged in their journeys because of your openness?
Thank you for sharing this and to Michelle for allowing it to be shared.
Much to think about.
hi. Thanks for the kind comments. It is always a risk opening yourself up. Im glad my words helped Christine, and hopefully some of you struggling too.
as for the idea that parentifying one of the girls, let me clarify. I didnt mean the child should take over parenting, I meant that Alex IS getting a powerful bonding experience with SOMEONE, even if it is a sibling, and that it is important he have a female in his life he is that bonded with. "Allow yourself to step back and provide him with all you CAN and recognize and forgive yourself for the parts you can't". Im not advocating handing over his care or the maternal stuff, just that need Christine has to be everything to him. what he NEEDS is a strong, secure bond with someone who isnt tangled up with guilt because she isnt 'doing it right". Of course she will still be the momma, I dont think she would ever hand that over too quickly lol.
I appreciate the sweet comments about my alex. It is hard for me to talk about this stuff, there is still a LOT of grief and guilt here. I appreciate the thoughts, and am so glad he can still make a difference in the world with his story. Thanks again. Michelle
My heart is broken for Michelle... I can not imagine having had to live through such a nightmare. You are a brave woman to share your story, and yes, we do have enough love. We always love our children, even if there are days when we "don't like 'em much."
THANK YOU BOTH!!! I found your blog through a friend who is struggling, as I am, with their child. My daughter was adopted in November. She just turned four and has been with us just over a year. The last year has been the MOST challenging of my life. She has a lot of the exact same behaviors you describe and if it wasn't for the fact that my husband and my mother feel the same way about her, I'd feel like I was crazy because she can and will charm the pants of a stranger.
Anyway, thank you very much. You helped put my life into perspective. My daughter is safe, is loved, is nurtured and by the grace of God, will grow up without too many emotional issues because of her start at life.
Thank you again. You have no idea how much it has helped.
Denise
I am so thankful so many parents that are going through this are opening up. I responded on Kelly's blog the other day asking how or why she chooses to parent her difficult little guy. Your stories rip my heart out for many reasons but I know that being open is a huge thing. When I was going through this I was completely alone and had no idea how to handle him. The feelings you are speaking of compounded things. Letting others know they are not alone is indeed an incredible gift. Even though our son is now an adult and has been out of the home since he was 14, reading these things is helping me heal and understand that I was not alone.
Wow. Thank you for sharing this Michelle and Christine. Praying for you both tonight.
That woman just removed the weight of the world off my shoulder.
Thank you both.
Anna R.
Heartbreaking...yet encouraging. I see now that my situation is not nearly as challenging as it could be. And although sometimes I long for the "easy" life that I see others have, it wouldn't be worth it. Thank you both, Michelle and Christine.
Wow, that is such a powerful story. I'm so sorry Michelle, that you had to go through the loss of Alex, but there is obvious good that has come out of this. I see from the comments that many people are touched by your story and while I don't have an extraordinarily difficult son, I do have one that tests me on a daily basis. Your story will help SO many parents, both of bio and adopted kids.
Hi I want to thank both of you for sharing your stories.Sometimes it may take children many years to bond with a family. I heard that some counselors who specialize in attachment theraphy have had success with aiding children bonding with families but it can be quite expensive.I have found it quite helpful though. Goodluck Pat
Great story...I have too dealt with this struggle and I can honestly say it's getting MUCH better....I loved them like I could when I didn't FEEL it and prayed and asked God to bridge the gap until I could.....and he is doing it......
I think this could have happened to my sister if my Mom hadn't been so stubborn about holding on to her! My sister came to our big multicultural family of adopted and bio kids (yes we were around decades ago too!), after a series of disrupted placements. The rest of her prior life was a mystery to us siblings (and I suspect my father!). We treated her just the same, loving her and fighting with her like any sister. I knew she "hated" (that's how we understood it) my Mom and only tolerated Dad, no matter what they did. We knew she behaved in ways that were bewildering to us and created sudden commotion in the home. I remember her screaming that she would leave, spitting and scratching mom, and finally running away- only to be brought back by my older brother like a sack of potatoes! Yet honestly we sibs put that aside and focused on important things like flavored lip gloss and singing and dancing along to our Grease album. We grew up close and rallied around my sister as she struggled to find her way, learning to tolerate her ups and downs and sensitivities, helping her tolerate feeling vulnerable. My mom hung in there, stubbornly insisting she was Mom no matter what as my sister continued to push her away... until many years later as Mom lay on her bed, slipping away from this life. My sister was finally there, her heart breaking, full of love and gratitude for our tenacious Mom. We held no bitterness. We knew Mom was pleased as punch that my sister finally got there!
My sister has since found her records and now we know what my mom knew all along- and what my sister had needed to forget. My sister had witnessed extraordinary violence and chaos in her wartorn birth country. She saw her mother slain as she cowered with her little sister in a hiding place. She protected her little sister in the violence and then the journey to America, only to be separated and sent to another family because she was considered the "bad one". She was badly abused, physically and sexually, as she bounced around in the US foster care system. She was evaluated and deemed "unadoptable", sociopathic and incapable of attachment and love, and so manipulative she would tear apart a functional family.
My mom knew this and threw caution to the wind and stepped up. Mom struggled and I know that she had many doubts and frustrations along the way, but she dug in- my sister needed to know we were end of the road. We were family.
Now we can put my sister's behavior in the context of horrific trauma. In all of her protest and rotten behavior, she was actually healing. She was learning how to connect and love, even though she knew how cruel people could be, how she could lose everything again. As mom lost hold in this world, their spirits touched and that she no longer needed to protect the memory of her birth mom. A wound tucked deep inside burst open, allowing her to love.
I hope you don't mind me telling this story here. As a read your blog, memories come back as a sister growing up in a similar beautiful and complex family. I just know there are many stories out there in the adoption community like ours. We might not know what happened to kids before they come to us, what hurts might be buried deep and carefully disguised by behavior- all smoke screens. The journey to love might not be a clear course, all warm and fuzzy. But it happens.
Just a postscript- my sister was recently reunited with her long lost little sister. We have added one more to our crew, Mom would be happy!
Thank you.....
Your post Christine, Michelles and many of the stories in the commenst ahve touched me deeply.
Thank you all for sharing....
Thank you, Christine and Michelle for sharing, as well as all of you wonderful mothers in this comments section.
A blog reader sent me this link because I write about my struggles all of the time. I NEEDED this desperately. My son started pre-K this week, and he's cried every day when I've picked him up. He doesn't want to leave his new teacher. We've had him 5 months, and he's never voluntarily hugged me and he whines constantly. It's draining. And, I confess not to being overwhelmingly in love with him. But, it's enough. :)
Thank you so much,
Kari
That story breaks my heart. It parallels what happened with Maxim. I had struggles with him; he said he wanted "another family". Maybe I used that, because I KNEW that what he really wanted was another family as well-to-do and influential as the families of his schoolmates. I knew that he hoped to be placed with a mini-mansion family. I knew he would't be. But loving him was hard....and it was effortful loving; I didn't love him like the other kids, with abandon. And, wheels were put in motion and then he HAD to go, even when from the very outset he realized he'd made a mistake. I knew it was a mistake. A very strict minister's family in a rigid, highly structured home was not the place for him. They didn't love him; they didn't even like him. From day one, they too wondered why he couldn't go back with us, but the "powers that be" interpreted these musings as my "interfering" with the placement. Actually, Maxim simply knew, sensed, that I am the only person in his life who will not give up on him. It's killed me to see what's happened to him. The "ordinary" approaches to child-management have not helped him, because what he needs is love. What he longs for to the depth of his being is connection. "Tough love" only works when it IS LOVE. Punishment only works when the child is not already overwhelmed with shame. All Maxim has received since he left us is the "tough" and none of the love. He went to another family, then another. Now, a month from graduation the state is planning to take him away from his school and all he is familiar with to place him in a group home in Detroit. He's senior now, and may not even graduate.
Worst of all; he is not the boy he could have been. Instead of using the last two and a half years to become a better student, a better athlete, a more balanced person, he's been in a non-stop struggle to stay sane. I will FOREVER hate myself for letting him go. Because I didn't FEEL a lot of love for him, honestly. But I DID a lot of loving things. I behaved, spoke, responded with love. I looked past the behaviors to see the glimmer of the holy in him. It was the best he was going to get.
Dear Annie, forgive yourself. I know, believe me I know, it is so hard. I have to remind myself, I did the best I could do then, in the day and time and overwhelming emotions of THEN. You know, your Maxim isnt gone. sounds like he is nearly an adult. Maybe you can reach out to him, let him know that you may not have loved him perfectly, but you did love him.
Its been good for me to read these replies. I feel like Alexs story has helped a little. sometimes you forget that you arent the only one going through this stuff. I just want to make peace with myself, and things like this help. Im grateful to you, Christine, for the opportunity to use our story to help others understand a little better. Thank you all for sharing your own struggles.
Thank you to both of you for your honesty. I get it; I understand it. Although it brings tears to my eyes reading it because I relate so much, it's nice to read the honesty and to know that I'm not alone in the way I feel. I love my son so deeply and I know that he loves me in his own way too. But its a different love, a difficult love. I want so much for that connection to just easily be there but its just not that easy for him or I. I cherish him and love him and couldn't imagine life without his smile. Some days are just more difficult to focus on his smile and his kind heart. So thank you for your honesty. You are not alone in the way you feel....I am not alone in the way I feel. (((HUGS)))
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