After All These Years.... Good bye

I have rewritten this post many times a hundred times since I knew Galina's previous family was coming for a visit to say goodbye. Not literally, but I wrote it in my head because I already knew that it would be very hard for Galina. Having been through this before with our other two daughters' previous families, I was able to prepare her as much as she would allow me too. But it wasn't enough.

To say that the visit wasn't emotional would be like saying the sky isn't blue. It didn't take much time before Galina reverted back to her old behaviors. Old habits die hard. Many tears were cried, and yet now, I have no doubt that Galina is where she is supposed to be. Neither does her old family. It also gave me glimpse of how dysfunctional the family was when they were all together. However, it was incredibly helpful to finally meet her previous Mom and get a true sense of who had raised Galina for the last six years. I know she tried the very best that she could.

Two hours into the visit, it became evident that Galina was upset, and her emotions were getting out of hand. It was bound to happen, no matter how much I had prepared her. Galina remember to not lose control. But it was still too much. Seeing them... her grandmother... her bio sister... dredged up so many memories. So much regret. So much pain. How would it not? Before long, Galina's tone, her words, her irrational state was too much and her visitors began to pack up. It was obvious that the visit was over and it pained Galina to realize that her behavior was no different than it had been the last time she saw them. She was pushing them away yet again. Was she going to have her previous family leave on a good note or was she going to keep up with the arguing, the blaming, the same exact stuff that pushed them away in the first place? Was her apology only sincere if she got one back?

Galina's attempt at making amends seemed conditional-- going against everything we had been working on for the last two weeks. Was it realistic for her to expect her and her bio sister's relationship to be that of long lost sisters finding each other again or was it wiser for her to acknowledge that her bio sister was remaining guarded simply because there had not been enough time for either of them to fully heal? I knew it was the latter, but would Galina realize it in time?

Thankfully she was able to listen to reason.

I know she looked for strength in God. I know she is trying to learn from her mistakes. As quick as she had lost control, I am proud to say that Galina gained control and finished strong. I reminded her by asking-- was she ready to burn this bridge for good or did she want to just let the past go and focus on rebuilding it? It was encouraging to see that Galina did the right thing by apologizing for her behavior. Now if only she could leave it at that.

Don't make it conditional Galina. Take ownership of your wrong behavior so that you can put it behind you and move forward. Forgive Galina. Forgive them. Forgive yourself.

As I watched her do this, my heart broke for her. My heart broke for her previous family. It was hard to tell how sincere she was or if she was merely doing what she knew she needed to do. For so long Galina has let her emotions control her-- reacting to everything with little ownership of her actions. To see her angry.... hurt.... vulnerable and still muster up the courage to ask for forgiveness--- well that is a huge step for my girl.

They all hugged and said good-bye... and then it was over. They were gone. And Galina quickly became goofy-giddy with Rachel. I knew it was her way of dealing with the pain. They didn't get too out of hand so I let them be. (Four years ago, I probably would have made a big deal of it.) She had bags of her stuff that her old family had brought that she wanted to immediately go through but I had her hold off. Not tonight. She pushed back a little-- after all it was her stuff, but I held firm. She did not need anything else to add to this already emotional evening and she needed to trust me on this. Thankfully she did. I allowed them to watch a movie, and afterwards we spent an hour talking.


This morning we went through her things-- clothes and lots of photos. It saddened me to see hardly any emotion from her. As for me, it took every ounce of strength to hold back the tears. Pictures of a very young Galina smiling, Galina with her birth family and previous family, pictures of Galina with family members that were no longer her family. It felt wrong. Things were not supposed to turn out this way. It felt like I was looking at a book of lies. I know that Galina was is loved by her previous family. I know that she knows she was is loved. How could that have not been enough?

But it wasn't and now John and I are the ones to pick up the pieces. And it hurts. We have missed so much of Galina's life and though it brings great pain to not be the one hugging her in those pictures, I just know that her previous Mom is agonizing over the child she has lost. Same with the rest of her family. In a last stitch effort to salvage this relationship I told her previous family that we would support their decision to take her back if they changed their mind. We love Galina that much.... to let her go. And yet, deep down I knew the answer. Too much damage has been done. It is not healthy for Galina to go back. Galina would be the first to say it.

They too love her enough to let her go.

And so we move forward. And I know Galina will be alright. And though this visit was incredibly hard, I have the reassurance that I so needed-- Galina's family will not change their mind. And for parents adopting through a disruption, this is so important. Further more, we hopefully brought them peace by opening up our home to them and showing them that we are dedicated to being Galina's family for the rest of her life.