Julie Tocher said...
I have been seriously considering adopting a child from an International adoption. I read your blog faithfully, but I read a lot of International Adoption family blogs and it seems like there are sooo many kids with RAD and I worry about that. Do any of your kids have RAD? If so, have you seen improvements?
January 21, 2011 4:54 PM
Debora said...
If this is not too personal, I would like to know if any of your kids have RAD (or that you suspect it). I know you've adopted from disruptions, and disruptions always make me wonder about RAD being a possible reason. But please, if it's too personal, don't worry about answering.
January 24, 2011 8:38 AM
You know, I still don't quite get RAD. From everything I have read RAD basically means that a child has attachment issues that result in them not caring if they were a part of your family or not. And because of that lack of attachment they act out in many different ways. (And if I am wrong please correct me.) I do not see this in any of our kids. Now that is not to say that they do not have very RAD-like behaviors from time to time-- but as a parent to both biological and adopted children-- I really see no difference. In all honesty, I think my feelings, my intolerance, my own inability to attach the way I should causes more problems than my children's behavior. Just like my kids' behaviors can set the tone of my attitude for the day-- so can my attitude influence my kids' behaviors.
Oh, and I am not into that reverse psychology though I tried it a few times and thought that I was the smart one. Sure, I can tell them to slam the door and get them not to, but what does that teach them? That they should do the opposite because they can? That I think they are too dumb to understand what I am trying to do? No thank you. I personally would be very ticked off if someone tried to use reverse psychology on me. I do not play those games- and I tell my kids just that.
Just like I tell them when I have had enough, or that the mess in the house is making me grumpy, or that I need a break, or that I have changed my mind, or that I am incredibly proud of them for the good choices they have been making lately but that I am afraid that me telling them is going to get them to make a bad choice because I noticed the good behavior when I shouldn't have.
Now with all that said, most of our children that were adopted came to us with guarded hearts and I used to personally take it as a form of rejection because they didn't want to talk when I wanted to hear their whole life stories. Well-- that is not going to happen immediately and once I learned that, I began accepting the pace at which my children began to reveal their feelings to me. I refer to this as the open window, because once they begin sharing intimate details of their lives with me, I know that their trust in me is growing. And as they share with me, I share with them, encouraging them to open up even more. That means that I have shared embarrassing stories, sad stories, even things that I wish I had never done. See, adoption related issues may not be adoption related at all-- we just see them that way because they happen to be happening with an adopted child. Once we get past that stigma that certain behaviors stem primarily because a child was adopted, we see the child for who they are... a child.
If I am brutally honest with myself-- many of my own behaviors as a child mirror those that are described in children who are diagnosed as having RAD-- and I did not and do not have RAD. Once I figured this out, it was a turning point for me as a parent.
Michelle said... aside from the question i asked about if you're going to do a post about Galina so we can know more about her, where she's from, all that sort of info like you did when Annalyn & Rachel joined your family, i've got a couple others. :-)i've always wondered if any of your adopted children have any type of desire to go back to their country of birth, either to learn about the culture or find info about their past. is this something you would support when they are adults? would you want to go with them if things worked out for that to be possible?also, how is it working out with having Galina come along so soon after Paul & Anastasia? i know the reason most agencies say you have to wait a certain amount of time between adoptions is so that all the family members can sort of find their place in the new balance of things, and i was wondering how your family is doing with having one very new addition & two relatively new ones, and especially how Anastasia & Paul feel about it.how is bonding going with Galina? i'm not sure if you knew her or OF her before she came for respite or how long she's been officially part of the family, but i know it's all still very new & have been praying for both her & the rest of your family as you all bond & figure out the family dynamics.and finally... what do you all think of your new location? from what i can tell you'd been in your previous area for many years and i know you have enough changes going on with the adoptions so the move is a pretty big deal. are you & John glad you moved? how are the kids adjusting? January 21, 2011 3:24 PM
At first none of the kids wanted to ever go back to their birth countries except maybe Rachel. Since I absolutely loved my visits to both Russia and Ukraine (outside of getting post-partum adoption blues while in Russia adopting Anna and Sveta) I found it sad that they didn't want to even discuss Russia or Ukraine let alone go back for a visit. I so wanted them to have some fond memories of where they spent their formative years. After helping them to see the good things about their birth countries and allowing them to feel encouraged to speak about them open and freely, I think they would all jump at the chance to go back for a visit. And honestly, I think one of the best things we could ever do would be to take the kids back for a visit so that their birth country could see how well they are flourishing! It was a wonderful thing when we took Dennis with us to Ukraine.
When Galina came to stay with us, I don't think Anastasia and Paul thought much of it. When we told them that Galina was going to be their sister, they smiled and appeared very happy. Like I said in a previous post-- the two of them couldn't be more happy-go-lucky, well adjusted kids. I can't explain it any better than this-- we are just blessed with how easily they have adjusted to family life.
Brenda said... My question is...do you have the same "problems" with your 3 girls that were re-adopted by you, that their first families had? Or do they just fit in better with your family and you don't have the same troubles? Everybody seems so happy and they just seem to fit in so well. January 21, 2011 4:52 PM
When we adopted our daughters the problems that the first families had didn't just disappear. We had to deal with those same problems and still deal with a few of them. But we knew what we were getting into and because of that we parented accordingly-- and that has been a big key. I wish I could explain it better-- it would be so much easier if you were just a fly on the wall.
P.S. I know that RAD exists and people have it, but I was asked to share about my experience and so I have. So sorry it hit such a raw nerve with so many of you. Though my gut reaction was to remove the post because of the negative comments, I will keep on my big girl pants. You are entitled to raise your children your way with your views and your thoughts and your ideals and your morals and so am I. That is the beauty and God given gift called life.
28 comments:
As I’m sure you’re going to hear many times, RAD is much, much more complex than "kids not caring if they are part of a family." It's also more than occasional naughty behavior. Both my boys have been diagnosed with RAD and they care VERY much if they are part of our family. Their biggest fear - and the one that actually drives most of the acting out - is that they won't be part of our family. They are aware they have RAD. They hate RAD. They hate what RAD does to them and to our family. They hate that sometimes it is bigger than they are.
RAD is MUCH more than just "normal naughty kid stuff." It's normal kid stuff on steroids and laced with speed and a whole lot more than that. RAD is a very serious clinically recognized condition that very literally changes the neurological functioning of the brain, requires intense therapeutic intervention, and is HELL to live with. Very rarely does it ever stand alone, either. In fact, I've never heard of a case that doesn't also involve PTSD. It is caused by acute trauma, neglect, abandonment, and failure to form attachments to their primary caregiver during their first 2 years of life.
RAD is nothing to make light of or minimize or make assumptions about. The stuff our RAD kids can pull out of their hats is NOT typical kid stuff. Let’s say we have two kids…one neurotypical, the other suffering from RAD. They both get invited to a noisy, crowded, candy laden birthday party (and the mom of the RADical kid was stupid enough to let her kid attend.) Indeed, it would not be out of the norm for a securely attached neurotypical kid to get very hyper and overstimulated and present all sorts of naughy behavior upon coming home. Most likely they will try their parents’ patience to their very core as they seek to decompress and regulate themselves.
A child with RAD, on the other hand, will be the model child at the party. They will be adorable, super well behaved, and they may even spend more time chatting with the adults and philosophizing about the wonders of the universe than they do interacting with the other kids. Or, they may not be able to hold it together that long. They may pour soda over the stereo, attack other kids with the piñata bat with the intent of hurting them, and start bouncing off the ceiling (or rocking to sooth themselves.) Upon walking in the front door, they will become so hyper they can't see straight, they’ll leave a trail of papers and garbage and toys and “stuff” everywhere they go, they will cling to mom like they're wearing a full body suit of velcro, they’ll scream at everyone for three hours straight…including the mom they’re stuck to, they’ll call mom and dad every potty mouth name they can think of, they may well pull their teeth out that were not loose to start with, they’ll destroy their toys, kick holes in the doors, smear poop on the walls, pee under their bed, poke the cats eyes out, and then threaten/try to kill their mother. Yes…the same mother they are stuck to as if they’re wearing a full body suit made of Velcro.
more...
I'm not exagerating. I'm not making this up. There’s no way I could make that kind of stuff up. I have, however, lived every single bit of it and a whole lot more many, many, many times. There is no stopping them. There is no discipline that works. There are no effective consequences. There is no reasoning with it and there is absolutely nothing logical about it. And here’s the really fun part…they’ll be completely oblivious to the chaos they’ve stirred up...and then they’ll do the very same thing again the next day and the next day and the next. There’s no way to make them stop, either.
The biggest difference between neurotypical kid stuff and RAD is intensity, duration, and frequency. RAD is unrelenting. It is over the top crazy cakes behavior that doens't just "go away" no matter how superior one's parenting skills may be, no matter how loving a parent is, no matter how strict or lenient a parent is, no matter what their personal relgious beliefs are, and no matter how many other kids they have successfully parented. Very often, however, "traditional" parenting methods (such as demanding respect, insisting on eye contact, adherance to rules, and any other cognitive behavior based technique that seeks to change the child's behavior and bring them into compliance) will make the RADtastic situation much, much worse, not better.
The key to truly understanding RAD isn't reading an article here or there on the internet. It's doing an in-depth focus on what healthy attachment is, how it forms, and what it looks like. There ARE no really good and certainly not complete websites out there on RAD. Some are over the top, others are full of myths, and others are simply incomplete.
Unless you know for sure you had attachment issues (it’s possible…it isn't just an adoption issue), please tread very, very lightly in comparing your own self and your own situations and your own behaviors and inclinitions to RAD. You don't have RAD and believe me, if you ever did have it, you'd know. Ronnie Lee Gardner had untreated RAD. Ted Bundy had untreated RAD. The Phantom of the Opera had untreated RAD. Lotsa in Toy Story 3 has untreated RAD. The kid who shot up Columbine High School likely had RAD. So did the kid who got shipped back to Russia on an airplane.
My kids are not RAD. However, they have been diagnosed with RAD and are being treated for RAD and they are healing from RAD. They've been receiving specialized treatment for going on 4 years now. They are light years from where they were, but we’re still not out of the woods. I pray with everything in me they won't end up in the same circles as the people listed above. But even after all we’ve done, they still might. All I can do is love them no matter what they do or how much they try to push me away.
I don't need to write anymore about RAD. The first two comments make it clear. It IS real and you are ignorant to believe it's not a real disorder. You make it sound like you are perfect and your children don't experience it just because they are in your home. It makes me wonder if your adopted children are suffering from RAD and you are ignoring it.
Diana's comments were dead on. On that note, wondering if you've ever dealt with a child who becomes physically aggressive?
Christine,
I am so proud of you {'spurring you on'} for leaving up these negative comments.
It saddens my heart.
But, it is what it is.
I am just so very thankful that Jesus alone has brought, and is bringing, healing to our children's hearts and minds.
No diagnosis needed...
The remedy is ALL they need--JESUS CHRIST!
Blessings and love,
Summer
Thank you for answering my question. I was afraid it may hit a raw nerve with some. I realize every child is different, every experience is different. I didn't get the feeling that you were suggesting that RAD behaviors don't exist in your house. But the fact that you have adopted so many children with formative years that were less than perfect who have seemed to adjust well to being in your home gives me hope. Thank you for sharing. And thank you for leaving the comments up as well. You're a brave woman and an inspiration to so many!
My daughter has attachment issues and she came to us at 19 months...she's 12 now. We knew they were there though before we adopted and although chronic lying, stealing, and "other" issues are part of our daily lives knowing how to parent a child who may or may never love us (we are clear on this...I was in a life threatening emergency and my daughter refused to aid because she was mad at me over a cupcake...difference is that I'm "ok" with this...I accept her limitations) as her parents has made all the difference in how we parent and the fact that we would never consider a disruption. So I do agree with you that having knowledge of whatever behaviors the child is displaying and being willing to take them on makes a big difference.
I think what hits that raw nerve is that the way you write obout RAD...now and in the past...comes across as dismissive, as if you don't really believe it exists because "gee..look at how many I have and none of them do...we just hang onto God, parent well, and poof...loves happens...see no RAD here" which may not be your intention at all. You guys are obviously caring, involved parents and although I, personally, do have a bit of an issue with the frequency of how many children are being "added" that's no one's business but yours...I may not agree with what you do but I'll defend your right to do it...plus the kids do seem very well adjusted.
RAD is often misdiagnosed. Parents are often disullusioned and overwhelmed and regretful. Some may not have the tools (knowledge or emotional skill set) necessary to parent children through adoption. All these things are true but so is having a kid with RAD and for those who do life is incredibly difficult through no real fault of their own hence...that raw nerve again.
I wasn't going to respond...because well...this is YOUR life, YOUR blog and YOUR experience and if you haven't experience RAD you haven't and I'm sure your intention was not to sound dismissive BUT the reason I'm writing is for the commenters who were worried and asked you about RAD: It does exist, it's not as prevalent as you'd think and often gets misdiagnosed. Educate yourself...make sure that if it happens to you there are resources you can tap. Parent without expecting it but be aware that it could happen and it could happen to you and the more children you adopt the more likely the chances (this blogger has been either very lucky or having the knowledge before hand has helped her parent differently from the onset or attachment issues are not as much of an issue). Don't let it turn you away from adoption if that is in your heart but know that parenting through adoption does have it's challenges whether they be RAD or not...be prepared, read as much as you can, have resources on hand and don't let fear rule your decisions.
Because I know how polarizing this will be please understand that I'm not attacking C....I think she's an excellent mother and wish more were like her...I just happen to disagree with the way she comes across about RAD in these particular posts...and felt it necessary to let those who were asking know that although in her experience it's a non issue in the lives of those of us who do experience it it's like an earthquake that doesn't end...having the right tools, support and knowledge and well..."Grit" to make it work helps.
I used to think that RAD was silly- but in dealing with things from my viewpoint. It is more of a change of attitude and heart on my part- not theirs. I think that is what you are explaining in your post.
I think RAD is a very hard part of life. This is going to cause people saying mean things because hard behaviors are hard. I get it. I also believe in seeking God's Healing, prayer, and petition on your child's behalf heals those behaviors over time. I am sure you have seen this. :)
I personally know nothing about RAD, apart from what I've read on other people's blogs and now in the comments here. I actually don't think that the first two comments are that negative, they just point out what it really is. BUT, I do know that from what we can see through your eyes, your kids are doing very well, no matter their background. Your parenting works, end of story.
It's interesting that none of the kids want to go back to their birth country and very sad. I hope they realize later that despite the things they dealt with there, these are countries that brought them to you.
I wrote the following before I read any of the responses to this post. I do believe that Diana has got it and knows where of she speaks. Here are my comments on the subject–without judgement or comments on anybody else.
First of all I want to let it be known that I am not an expert on Reactionary Attachment Disorder (RAD). I have a very limited knowledge on this subject that has only in recent years begun to be researched. I do not want to be someone that would fit into the classification of being someone with a “little knowledge being deadly”.
With that disclaimer, I will share a few things that I have learned through continuing ed classes supplied by our local Department of Human Services taught by specialists on the subject, watching videos provided by DHS, having had serious discussions with a close friend who is a doctoral candidate in counseling education, discussions with other counselors and psychologist knowledgeable on the subject, talking with our own pediatrician and by experiencing RAD first hand in a child very close to me.
RAD is more than an emotional reaction to bonds being broken. RAD is also physical and visible in MRI’s and is formed in the very young child. Babies are born without all of the connections being made in their brains. In order to form those connections there has to be close physical contact with caregivers. Not just holding or stroking or cooing love words in loving tones or even skin to skin contact, but also from eye contact. Such contact as a baby being held and cuddled by a loving human who looks deep into a baby’s eyes. When a baby is born, a baby’s vision is very short–like the distance between a nursing baby and his/her mother’s eyes.
God designed us to form close bonds with other humans. That contact forms those connections in the brain. If those bonds are not formed and allowed to continue, there is huge damage done to that child. If bonds are broken or if there is an ongoing lack of nurturing in the first several months/years, RAD will further intensify.
A premature bio baby can even form RAD during the time that that baby cannot be held close even though efforts to provide that baby with loving human contact are made. I am not saying that every premature baby or every child that experiences a lack of nurturing or bonding will form RAD, because that is not true.
An older child whose bonding is broken, or if a bond is not formed with a family–that does not mean that that child has or will have RAD. There may be deep damaging scars and some may even refer to that damage as RAD, but unless RAD was present going into the current situation RAD will not develop. That is not to belittle the damage done to them, it is just different and would manifest itself differently and would require different healing processes.
It is my hope that I have not used my little knowledge to share untruths and that it will be helpful.
THANK YOU for keeping the RAD post!!!! There is so much information out there for prospective adoptive parents about the risk and frankly, it's really scary. I'm thankful to see such an experienced parent (to older child adoptions and international adoptions and out-of-birth order adoptions) give a positive report!
I just had to come back to see if there were any comments left on this post. Honestly, when I read the post this morning I was offended and instantly wanted to defend what RAD looks like in our home...it just isn't something easy to dismiss, trust me. BUT then I went back and re-read your post and some of your points resonated with me and I agreed with. I see that other moms dealing with RAD may have felt as I did at first and responded.
RAD like autism has a wide spectrum of behaviors and abilities. I do believe it can be reversed or healed in the mighty power of Jesus and am doing my best to facilitate that in our children. However, the daily living is far, far different than that of "normal" childish behaviors.
I guess I just wanted to clarify there is a difference and for those of us in the trenches of RAD it doesn't even come remotely close to acting just like a child of their age. For those moms out there (and there are ALOT!) dealing with children with RAD who are desperate for support and understanding and to not feel alone I humbly ask that you don't gloss over this very real disease or the havoc it wreaks on our families.
I love your family and truly respect you for who you are and am so thankful that you haven't had to walk the RAD journey with any of your precious treasures. Much love!
Lisa
Thank you for leaving this post up,
I agree with a few other commentors that its your blog, your experiences and your family. As you know we adopted Oksana from Kazakhstan and she isnt much younger I suspect than Galina. (Your youngest girl) For a year or more we also saw signs and symptoms of RAD but when her language had developed enough to open up with her we outright asked her what she thought of being in our family. She said she loved us and the family...months went on and everytime she would act up or display rotten behavior we'd say, "guess what banana, you're stuck. We love you no matter what and nothing you can do will ever make us love you less. Period" That was over a year ago now and honsetly we don't see those behaviors anymore. I think they were her way of testing to see if we were in it for the long haul and now that we've "proven" ourselves shes getting on with the rest of her life. I think people put too much ephasis on RAD and while I know it does exist and is out there I think a lot of the problem is not getting to the root of each issue with each child. (Adopted or not)Too wrapped up in diagnosing something than dealing with it. I truely believe that some children just don't get on with their families and thats cause for respite or re-adoption for the sake of both sides of the equation, family and child. To understand my daughter I had to and still have to bring myself to see life from her point of view, though many of her experiences for her first 8 years are unknown she has opened up and told us so much about what her young childhood was like and from there I can understand her need to display behavior like we saw at the beginning. People can't just expect to parent an adopted child without running into certian barriers. Abandonment, anger, learned sexual behaviors, depression etc. but as I have learned kids are very resilient and like 2 corinthians 5:17 we all can have a new start. :)
Congrats to you and John for raising great kids, You can tell from the blog posts you've written that they all thrive because they know they belong and are loved. Regardless of how they came to you they are equals. :)
Catherine
based on my last comment I dont belive that Oksana ever did have RAD but as she showed many signs of RAD it could have been mis diagnosed early on as being so.
I still agree with the second part of my last comment...Too much Ephasis on diagnosing and not enough on healing. :)
Mark 5 verses 25-34
Our adoption social worker also said that our faith alone wasn't enough to "fix" a broken child. I know someone else who did. :)
i have been wondering this for a while now, what was Rachel's and Analyn's birth names? If you know them.
I think that I need to add one more short comment about RAD. A child having RAD does not mean that that child will not bond with their family. Like other have said, RAD has different degrees of severity and damage. Our own child with RAD is very bonded to everyone in his family. He is the sweetest best natured loving child most of the time. BUT when he is reactionary--well be thankful you don't experience that.
He is healing and we expect that he will live a very healthy relationship building life. A large portion of his healing comes from his STRONG attachment to everything Jesus. He is 4. We pray together that Jesus will send his powerful angels to keep evil away and to make him feel good in his heart. That is his desire and according to God's will for him.
Blessings to all of you.
I once babysat two siblings that had RAD. It was the hardest three hours of my life! I spent the whole time keeping the two seperated. If not they were fighting each other (really fighting!) and oh my... Those poor parents...
Christine~Thank you for your honesty and your heart. You and your Husband have been called to a huge task and I am always amazed by your desire to want to live for and set an example for Christ. Raising children is no easy task~ I am certain we would all agree. As parents of either bio or adopted children, we all want the absolute best for them and that they would become all that they were created to be. I do believe in todays world we are quick to diagnose, make excuses and enable bad behavior. Thank you for the positive example you are in parenting.
I come to an opinion about RAD from a different perspective and just wanted to share. I am the adult child of a parent with RAD. My father's early life gave the perfect set-up: his biological parents were both alcoholics and he was bounced around foster care and orphanages in his infancy, separated from his two older siblings, until he was adopted by my grandparents.
My father has never been able to maintain relationships with anyone, nor has he held down a job for more than two years without being fired until this most recent one (he's been there almost three years). He is incapable of understanding why these things require a give and take. For my mother, this meant a marriage plagued by separations and emotional (and occasionally physical) abuse until their divorce (which, in itself, was an 16 year process).
For me this has meant no real relationship with him. My father loves me the best he is able, but he isn't interested in hearing about or participating in my life. He calls me when there is something he wants to say and yells at me for the interruption if I try to call him. He has never visited my home, despite many invitations and is often angry about the rarity with which I now visit his.
RAD affects every aspect of his life. He has almost no impulse control and thus is entirely unprepared for retirement. He has no savings. At holidays he expects to receive gifts from his brother and nephews, but hasn't ever given them to anyone but me. His friendships last a matter of months. His relationships and marriages not much longer. He can't get along with his colleagues. He refuses to take direction from anyone and has a dishonorable discharge from the Air Force as a result.
With all that I see in my father, I suspect RAD is grossly over-diagnosed in today's children. Attachment is a process and all children (regardless of their background) struggle at times with parental relationships.
Thank you for leaving up the post!!! And, I think that it's great that you are willing to publish all of the post of other opinions. Personaly, I read people's blogs to learn about their families, follow their adoption journeys, and to learn about how THEY parent THEIR children. At NO point, in reading anything in your blog, have I ever thought that you were dismissing problems that other families may be having, because you have not experienced them. I found this post to be what I believe it was intended to be, about YOUR family.
Christine, If you haven't dealt with RAD, maybe you should just come clean that you don't know much about it because you haven't experienced it. Let those who have, explain it.
Just an observation about large vs small families. there isn't quite the same capacity for intenseness in relationshps which might work in your favor and not be as intimidating. The sheer volumne brings a different dynamic is what I see (not yoru family, just large families in general). I've been observing this in church how my only child...she can't sniff without me noticing. The other families who have lots of kids....their kids have to about throw up a flare to get that sort of notice. I think my small family would be a lot of pressure to an attachment challenged child. Its caused me to give my child a little more space on occassion.
Nothing right or wrong about it....just differences in situations. Glad thigs are going so well for you family. Galina is a beautiful child.
I have been reading your blog with interest. I am a bit confused about your "p.s." about the negative comments. I do not see Diana's comments or others talking about RAD to be negative. They (unfortately) ARE dealing with RAD and are posting in an educational way. At least that's how I perceived those posts about RAD.
I just re-read all the posts and I did see the one where someone said IF you didn't believe RAD existed then you would be "ignorant" ... but I don't think you are suggesting it doesn't exist? Right?
This is the comment that actually irks me: "... so very thankful that Jesus alone has brought, and is bringing, healing to our children's hearts and minds. No diagnosis needed... The remedy is ALL they need--JESUS CHRIST!"
Diana (check out her blog) and no doubt others who have deep faith and a "real" relationship with Jesus Christ do actually have children with RAD. It IS a real diagnosis. Yes ...God can ultimately heal, however there are many things these parents of RAD affected childen do to facilitate the healing process along. For a parent to stand by and just "offer it up" doesn't seem sensible to me.
Maria(Canada)
Hi Christine, just a note of encouragement. I am surprised at some of the negativity generated from the post – I for one never got the impression that you were being dismissive about RAD. You were just a mom giving her own personal experience and I think in our desire to be understood and validated, we tend to interject ourselves into a conversation that is not about us! And this is coming from a mom of a special little boy where I am sure the next “professional” is likely to give a RAD diagnosis to describe my son’s behavior. I agree that sometimes the professionals are a bit quick to come up with a label in a professional that is not an exact science – so far, I have three “experts” who did the same testing and arrived at 3 totally different conclusions. So while I truly have empathy with parents dealing with RAD, I don’t think trying to invalidate your experiences serves them well. Oh that we would show each other a little grace and take a deep breath before we respond to what we perceive to be a slight against us.
Keep on the good work and it so very refreshing to read of a family where though there are challenges (you are always very real), adoption does not always turn out to be a nightmare and behavior issues are not always adoption related. I just have 4 kids and I don’t even know how parents have the time to analyze every behavior to determine if it is adoption related or not and then how to respond appropriately. I used to read a lot of RAD blogs and sometimes I would feel guilty that like I was somehow in denial because our adoptions have not turned out so bad. You are the kind of mom I aspire to be and I pray that love is always evident in my home like it is in yours.
I too am confused about your P.S. I didn't think most of the comments were negative. {Aside from one or two statements here and there.} A different point of view...certainly. Each were said respectfully and in an educational way. I believe they were just responding to you saying 'if I am wrong please correct me.' I believe all the commenters came here as friends, and all comments were ment as such.
Sarah
Sarah, I don't post comments that use vanity and or are downright rude. There are a few that you did not see because of these reasons. I also think that if I invite someone to be a fly on the wall and then am accused of being ignorant because maybe my own children are perhaps suffering from RAD and I am ignoring it-- well a comment like that shows that I hit a nerve. What I share is 100% truthful and if others want to doubt it-- let them.
Hi Christine,
I think the term "RAD" is used incorrectly some times, and that's where the confusion about what it is, comes from. There are a lot of posts already about what it is, but if you want to see more from some scholarly experts, there is this site, http://www.attachment.org/pages_what_is_rad.php
and a couple of quotes from "bigwigs" in Attachment Theory are: "At the core of the unattached is a deep-seated rage, far beyond normal anger. This rage is suppressed in their psyche.
Now we all have some degree of rage, but the rage of psychopaths is that born of unfulfilled needs as infants. Incomprehensible pain is forever locked In their souls, because of the abandonment they felt as infants." (Magid & McKelvey 1988) "There is an inability to love or feel guilty. There is no conscience. Their inability to enter into any relationship makes treatment or even education impossible." (Bowlby 1955)
Thanks for starting such a good conversation, this subject needs clarification for many of us.
Hi Annon,
Just responding to your comment:
"we all have some degree of rage, but the rage of psychopaths is that born of unfulfilled needs as infants. Incomprehensible pain is forever locked In their souls, because of the abandonment they felt as infants." (Magid & McKelvey 1988) "There is an inability to love or feel guilty. There is no conscience. Their inability to enter into any relationship makes treatment or even education impossible." (Bowlby 1955)
I think psychologists try too hard to find reasons for why some people commit atrocities without looking at what is staring them in the face - the fact that real evil exists in the world. Of course psychologists are not allowed to explain behavior in terms of morality and a heart condition, but I think it is quite a stretch to explain away a psychopath as simply someone who did not get their needs met as an infant. It is exceedingly rare to find multiple psychopaths in a family putting some doubt to this theory. Just my two cents!
Christine
I read this post back when you wrote it and wanted to comment but didn't. I was going to email you and didn't. Well, it has been on my mind ever since and so here I am. I want to say to you, Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for opening my eyes. Thank you for giving me the courage to see my children as simply children. I have really been struggling about alot of things concerning my two older adopted children lately and this post changed so much for me.
I admire you so much and appreciate your wisdom concerning parenting adopted children. You truly have a gift and I appreciate you sharing with your readers. You are an inspiration to me as I walk this journey of parenting both biological and adopted children. Thank you.
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