I'm not quite sure why I haven't shared lately about the trials we have been going through. Probably because alot of them can be explained away. Adjustments with new kids in the home, school just starting, news of an upcoming transition, yada, yada, yada. Still, I don't like making excuses because honestly there is no good reason to back talk, disobey, challenge all authority, and be disruptive. And frankly I think it reflects on my parenting... where I need to improve... be more patient, be more strict, be more tolerant, and intolerant all at the same time. Because no matter how much I want to feel that it starts with them... I know that it starts with me.
Phew--- this parenting thing is hard.
So onto the trials.
A few of the older kids have been incredibly sassy. They have a comeback for everything. Just the other morning, my daughter comes out in a skirt without a slip. Now I may be old school, but when you wear a dress or a skirt in this family-- you wear a slip, with jean skirts being the only exception. This is not a
brain fart (I am embarrassed to use this word but I don't know what else to call it) I just pulled out of thin air but a modesty issue that we take seriously in our home. Instead of a "Yes Mom," or a "I forgot Mom," or a simple, "Okay," because not only are those respectful replies but my daughter was already on thin ice for back talking the prior night, she began arguing how it already had a built in slip, how it was fine, how I don't know what I am talking about when I explain to her again how the sun shining through it will show her body silhouette, blah, blah, blah, blah. John being right there spoke up that she should not talk with that tone in that way to me to which she replied that it wasn't his skirt so it wasn't his business. Of course, I made her take off the skirt and change after she made it clear that she would not wear a slip. And of course she is grounded for her argumentative attitude to the both of us for the past week or so-- but having her grounded doesn't make me feel any better like she thinks it does.
As if I enjoy this.
Other things have included some of our boys inappropriately smacking each other in the private area when they are goofing off or rough housing-- which is a big No No. I know that this is a fairly common thing with children-- even I remember "experimenting", but it doesn't mean I have to condone it. And so I explain and do what I feel is necessary to stop it-- but in the midst of it all, it feels like a much bigger issue and I question how this even came up.
And then there is the lying. One thing I hate more than anything is when an issue comes up with lying. It is one thing to do something you shouldn't- but to then lie about-- well that makes things 10 times worse.
Even after all of Paul's cavities, he still had the nerve to lie to me when I asked him if he had brushed his teeth. I had a feeling he hadn't brushed his teeth the first day of school even when he told me he had and so I checked at bedtime when he said he had brushed but wasn't in the bathroom even one full minute. Sure enough he hadn't brushed and he had been lying about it for who knows how long. After getting in trouble for lying I asked him to pick out his clothes for school the next day and finish getting ready for bed. 10 minutes later I saw that he still hadn't done what I asked so I picked his outfit out for him. After tucking him in bed, I came back to check on all the kids and saw that he had changed the outfit I had picked out for him. Oh no he doesn't.
Anyway after taking care of these little behavioral things, I whispered in his ear as I kissed his cheek that I will always love him forever. He didn't reply, but in the morning he came downstairs wearing what I picked out for him with his teeth brushed. For real.
One of my teenage boys has been letting his anger escalate despite him knowing better and being able to control it like I know he can. So, he had to spend the whole evening in his room and had his IPOD taken away for one week. The next day was a repeat even though on a much smaller scale- so I added an additional three days of no IPOD plus no computer. There was just no room for me to give him even an inch.
One of my middle boys has been "bugging", "picking on", whatever you want to call it, on one of his brothers. Totally unacceptable. I take responsibility for allowing this to happen way too much. I would simply tell them to cut it out, or give them a 5 minute timeout. This was not cutting it, so I began to give bigger consequences like no going to Grandma and Grandpa's house, early bedtimes, etc. This was helping but I still wasn't consistent enough, therefore the behavior would pop right back up. Finally something inside me screamed-- Enough is Enough! And then I began cracking down much harder. And lo and behold we have began seeing a difference.
Wish I could say the same for Alex. He is having an incredibly hard time with not listening, screaming, and doing everything except what he is supposed to do. He is poking kids with his crutches, moves the second his teacher turns around, screams, disrupts the class, refuses to do what he is asked, and does things like pour his Capri Sun in his bag of cookies for attention. I could go on and on but what purpose would that serve. Bottom line is-- he has needed someone with him 24/7 at school not because of his special needs but because of his disruptive behavior. And yes I could chalk it all up to him starting kindergarten and having new siblings but I think that would only be making excuses for him. See-- these are the exact same behaviors we saw even before we brought him home-- the same behaviors he has struggled with off and on all year. And yet when Alex is in a very strict environment he does wonderful. So I chalk this up more as him testing his surroundings to see just how far he can get away with things. And sadly, right now he is testing every which way. And every which way I am holding him accountable to his behavior.
Just this morning he chose to write on the wall. Praise the Lord, he admitted it the first time I asked him. But I expect nothing less. So still, he got sent to his room... after having to clean the wall. And there he was not allowed to scream, whine, or play around. And he didn't. Now I am trying to teach him that the same behavior is expected at school-- even when I am not there.
With all of this going on, thankfully we see way more positive things that make us smile. For instance, John and his brother took the six oldest boys river rafting with Grandpa. Before going, they all cooked a casserole together that I will bake before they get home. And Paul allowed Andrew to wear his flipflops. Cooperation and sharing at their best!
Also, Anastasia decided she wanted to start doing more chores around the house... to be like her sisters or show us that she is capable and responsible is my guess. So, she cleaned up the whole kitchen and didn't even use up half a bottle of dish soap. :) Annalyn has shown me more appreciation for the little things I do that used to go unnoticed. Like out of the blue she came up to me a week later after cutting her hair and told me how much she likes her hair. She thanked me again. This was really nice.
As I try and close up this post I am full of mixed emotions. The best way to describe them is the name of this blog-- Smiles and Trials. Of course there are going to be good times and bad. Of course our kids are going to go through times of rebellion and times of great growth. But that is to be expected. I think it is no coincidence that I have gotten three emails this past week from parents who are having a hard time all the while me feeling like I have been hiding the trials. It is so easy to hide the struggles and before you know it, they swallow you up whole and then spit you out leaving you feeling defeated and hopeless.
So, I share. Not all of it-- but a good part of it. Because though I think we are good parents, we still have our own share of struggles. Thanks to those of you who shared with me first--- it reminded me of one of the big reasons I began blogging in the first place.
To have other parents know that they are not alone.
Thanks for listening. And please feel free to share about your own ups and down in the comment section.
