Exhausting

I'm exhausted.

How's that for being real? At the risk of my poor Mom reading this and dropping everything to call and find out what is wrong with her daughter, I'll try and explain.

I wrote this early in the morning before I had a chance to sit down and take some time to really, really reflect on life and everything that I am blessed with. I just put the little boys down for not being very nice to each other and as I listen to David Crowder watching Anastasia and Sveta out of the corner of my eyes, my ears are delighted to hear them singing along. God is so good, isn't He?

Yet I am exhausted.

This morning one of my daughters came into the kitchen with her hair done-- and I mean really done (but in a bad way (frizz, etc)). Bless her heart she wanted to do her hair the way two of her other sisters sometimes do (but theirs is longer and it works for them), but I couldn't with good conscience let her walk out the door like that. I made a comment or two and I admit that I didn't do it with much tact so I back pedaled. What would other Moms do? I wondered if I should have said anything at the risk of a classmate saying something once she got to school and I felt that it was better coming from me. Naturally her eyes were wet but I went on to ask her why she tries so hard to look beautiful when there is such a natural beauty about her. I told her that by trying so hard to look like her sister she was in a way ignoring the most sincere compliments that I gave her the other day for the way she had been wearing her hair lately. I asked her if she thought her sister could wear that particular hairstyle. "No way!" I shouted and meant it as I emphasized the wonderful wave her bangs had. She perked up, and I told her one of my many dilemmas as a Mom was figuring out whether or not to say something that my children may get a little hurt by or not saying anything at the risk of letting someone else say it. These are ongoing dialogues that cause her to understand some of the difficulties of parenting.

Exhausting.

And then there is the school thing. Not homeschooling either for that is going spectacularly(minus my lack of enthusiasm to teach science.) But the kids are having a hard time adjusting to the new schools. It is just different and remembering how hard a time I had starting a new school as a teenager my heart breaks for them everyday as I drop them off at school. Since the high school starts 40 minutes earlier than the junior high, our new pastime has been driving around the different neighborhoods to kill time. For the last few weeks I have been considering bringing my four junior high girls home at Christmas time-- but honestly I had wavered back and forth. I wasn't sure if I could homeschool them in addition to the ones I am already homeschooling. But now that we are in full swing here at home and I am enjoying myself and the kids are doing well, I am beginning to feel that homeschooling my girls would be a good thing. Yet, I still have questions... lots of questions...

How will my girls who have honor classes continue to excel... in home school? How can I meet their needs?

What about Sveta? Her services have changed since we are now in a different district and she no longer receives the one on one special ed services that she used to. She is in an Intensive Math and Language Arts class along with Anastasia but both struggle to stay afloat. As an IEP team we have talked about life skills for Sveta and that I can do here at home, but is that an appropriate education for her? If I bring her home, her IEP would have to stop since I just can't physically be on the road for hours on end driving her to and from her services on top of juggling everything else. I guess that is just one of the trade-offs of having a large family. Can I provide what she needs with the help of a home school charter? She has come so far and her personality and behavior is such that I know I can work with her---- but would that be enough? If it is, can I convince myself of that? On top of it all-- please don't even get me started on the boy who asked her if he could kiss her!!!

And what about Anastasia, our sweet as maply syrup Anastasia? Since she is still learning what is up and what is down, I think it would be best to file a homeschool affidavit and home school her on my own. Could I do that? I think I could do that.

Crazy? No exhausting.

The idea of working with Anastasia on my own is so scary and yet I am very excited as I ponder---is it preparing me for something down the road?

Did I mention that Rachel got a 100% on her recent math test? :)

During the move, I put my relationship with my Savior on the back burner. I am surprised that everyone and their brother didn't notice. Maybe they did and their patient lovingkindness is another blessing. But I can't express how alone I felt even among my family of sixteen. It was a time of mixed emotions-- sadness, anxiety, anger, excitement, hope, stress, panic, thankfulness-- they left me with little energy to even open my bible and be fed with His word. In a way, I really didn't feel like it anyway. How crazy to know that by reading scripture I would have been refueled with the energy I lacked and yet I laid my head down on my pillow countless times barely whispering a word to God all day.

Exhausting.

And yet...

and yet He carried me through it all. It was little things too that I realize were all Him. An old neighbor helping us drive down one of the U-Haul trucks, my Mom going grocery shopping for the family, my in-laws running around making countless errands to the hardware store, a friend emailing me a few words of encouragement, Dennis' old speech teacher reaching out and saying hi, a friend promising to come and visit this Christmas. Oh how undeserving I am-- yet His grace forever covers me.

God is so very patient waiting for me to make time for Him again-- and I did. And I was rejuvenated with just enough to get through each day-- often times more. And as I grow closer to Him... again... I am left with few words to describe my feelings because He is truly indescribable.

Have you watched "God Grew Tired of Us?" As I read through Radical and Red Letters and the book of Romans and Matthew-- one thing has led to another and I am burning inside to do more not because I have to but because I yearn to be closer to my Savior!

Exhausting!

This movie was so good, I watched it twice. It was convicting to watch one of the Lost Boys describe Americans. "Unapproachable" sums his words up pretty well. Each of their emotions were so real and as I cried I couldn't help but laugh. I fell in love with each of the boys in the movie because their faith, hard work, vulnerability, and love for their family reminded me of all the things I so desire to instill in my own children. As some of the Lost Boys spent year after year here in America I noticed that some of those values, in some of them, seemed to disappear. So sad and such an eye opener too.

Did I tell you the movie was awesome?

So much so, that I want to pass it on.

So I guess you can say, I'm doing a giveaway. If you live in the U.S. and would like my gently viewed (twice) copy of "God Grew Tired of Us" just leave a comment to enter into a raffle that I will draw a name at 5pm this coming Sunday. Then I will get it in the mail with plenty of time to watch it before Christmas. You can even watch it with your kids!

I am sure they will laugh just like mine did when Panther makes Ritz cracker soup with a hammer. :)

It reminded us how Paul tried to figure out what to do with cranberry sauce at Thanksgiving or how Anastasia found out that peanut butter is not a good substitute for mayo.

Speaking of Anastasia and Paul, they are doing great. Their English is coming along more and more and so is their schooling. Paul has bonded to William, Andrew, and Jonny in such an amazing way-- same as Anastasia and the girls. When I look at them and see how far they have come in the past few months, I feel blessed to be a part of it. And my heart cries for the children who have not been blessed yet by the love of a family.

And then I get the emails day after day about lost, hurting, children and families. They never really stopped. And I might as well admit that I lied.


I lied when I said I was done helping families. How can I be?

I might have stopped in some ways, but for those who are reaching out for help, desperate for someone to listen... offer a glimmer of hope, I just can't say no.

Many times just my shoulder to cry on is enough, but other times I think I am being asked to do more. Not from them exclusively, but from God as well.

And I go back and forth with all the reasons why I can't do it, shouldn't do it, don't want to do it. And then I put myself in their shoes and imagine what it would be like to not have someone to help me during a hard time in my life. And then I know what I am supposed to do.

But knowing what I ought to do and actually doing it are two different things.
This is the internal battle that is the most exhausting part of all!


Day in and day out God continues to lay "helping orphans" on my heart. (Just as He has on the hearts of many Christians past and present). As God speaks to me through a friend, a song, a prayer, a sermon, the Bible, an email, a blog--- I continually hear a calling from Him to do more. I am well aware that no amount of "works" earns even a scrap of salvation and that just my faith in Him does all that. But I can't stomach the thought of just enjoying the American dream (big house, big car, big yard, big tummy, ...) and all its comforts to which culture says I'm entitled while so many people, of course no better than me, have real hurt.


I know as long as I live, there will always be people that died because I didn't feed them, kids that died without parents because I didn't adopt them, homeless that freeze because I'm not giving them shelter, etc etc. And it is certainly most comfortable when we do not think about these things. But I'm trying to live my life standing for the things that Jesus stood for. His complete sacrifice of everything is the only sacrifice that is worth anything but does that mean I sacrifice nothing?

So what am I to do? John and I ask you to join us in prayer for guidance and clarity in carrying out a daily walk with Him. Fast too if you'd like. But I desire more clarity. S-p-e-l-l it out for me God--please--the many many balances between the present and the future, the local and the global, parenting my children vs watching suffering children without parents, saving vs giving, opening a book vs opening a home, etc etc etc


Exhausting !