Thursday, August 5, 2010

Out of Nowhere

Thoughts of Russia and birth mothers have surfaced for one daughter. She is not keeping these thoughts to herself and they have infected another daughter. I use that word because they are becoming fantasies and the truth is being replaced with dreams-- and it is becoming an obsession. An unhealthy obsession. For her... for her siblings... for all of us.

It hurts. It hurts her. She is setting herself up for disappointment.

And though I haven't told her.... her obsession to see her birth mother because then everything will be perfect... well it hurts me too.

So many thoughts running through my mind. So many things going on that I just don't have time to share right now.

But I trust that God is going to use this for His glory.

20 comments:

  1. This is just another trial that you will get through. I have faith that you can handle this. You have so much love, faith and understanding. Please let us know how things progress.

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  2. You know, Christine, that's one of my fears too, with my kids. The idea that, "Oh, my b-mother would never... you fill in the blanks - discipline me, make me go to bed early, make me eat my veggies." I'm sorry you're going through this. We'll be praying for your family!

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  3. I'll be praying for you as you work through this touchy situation with you daughters. I am confident that God will guide your words and actions.

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  4. You have a beautiful family!!!!

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  5. Hugs as you process this trial and help your daughter get grounded back in reality. I sometimes worry how I will handle this when it inevitable happens - please let us know the progress.

    Blessings.

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  6. I hope this dissipates soon, but from what I've been reading lately (to get re-licensed for foster care), it very possibly will not.

    One solution that I really have enjoyed learning about is LifeBooks. If you can, look up this topic online or at your local library. I think the person who really began them is Beth O'Malley.

    From what I've learned about LifeBooks, it seems that because only truthful things are put in there (in a positive light), children who are going through different phases of post-adoption emotional stress, can only know the truth. It won't be so easy to fantasize about birth parents and how they are perfect. The key is to be truthful in them.

    LifeBooks are very different from scrapbooks and photo albums. They are highly personal, and the child and parents should be the only ones who determine who gets to read them. But, they are vital to creating roots and can be a real bonding time for the adoptive parents and the child.

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  7. Praying for you all, Christine.

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  8. I have been through this with one of my daughters (home since June 2008). I have corrected some of her misconceptions, but held back most of the truth. Their mom died in April and the comments stopped. I know it is hard to hear some of the comments, but deep down she knows you love her and you are the one caring for her.

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  9. My heart aches for you...sending a little prayer and love your way as you deal with this difficult issue no doubt I and other adoptive parents will have to deal with at some point in time.

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  10. I am praying for peace and comfort for you and your family

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  11. Our daughter used to fantasize. I gave her pictures of her birth mother to keep. She has them on her dresser. Sometimes she likes to look at them and somtimes she doesn't.

    When she was 5 and 6, she would say, "My momma would have bought that for me!"(If I wouldn't buy something) And I'd smile and say, "what a nice mama!"
    This caught her off guard. :)

    She THINKS about her mama sometimes, but not much anymore. It is more of a passing type thought.

    The first few years, birth mom would come up when she was mad, or sad, or had been disciplined for something.... not really anymore.

    She has been home 7 years.

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  12. aw, my heart hurts for you all. prayers

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  13. My kids were all adopted from the foster care system (all pretty local as well) so the issue of running into bm's has always been a real possibility (of the three, one eventually moved to Canada - where her extended family lives - not sure if she's still there or living down the street - no stress there). When the kids were babies, I always thought I'd be devastated if they dumped me for their birth families when they got older. I mean, I fretted and worried (so, not good at all) and finally just had to let it go. My son, adopted at 9 mos (now 16), definitely with attachment issues, is the only one who slings the "I want my REAL MOM" barbs and after the initial shock, I realized that I can handle this after all. I would be very forthright and honest about every comment and just simply tell her the facts you have. The fantasy stuff is harder, because if it's your daughter with FASD (like my son) she's just going to believe what she wants, in spite of the facts in front of her. Good luck - keep being strong for all of them. It kinda stinks to have to deal with this right on the heels of your adoptions of Anastasia and Paul, but maybe it's what triggered it to begin with.

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  14. Remember the saying: The grass is always greener?

    I'm sure it is very hurtful for you and John but remember that they are just kids and kids don't always think rationally. You are their parents.

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  15. God bless you all. . .you're in our prayers. . .

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  16. I have followed your blog for such a long time now and know that you are wonderful parents and am sure that in no way is your daughter trying to hurt you. My own daughters birth mother passed away which led her to being in the Orphanage in the first place. She does have a bio grandfather still in her birth country though whom she often talks about and dreams about meeting him again one day, one thought even led her to belive that the gov't officials lied to her and her bio mother was still alive and was waiting for her. To help with this we did something like discribed above with the life book. It really does help. I can imagine how you are feeling though I have no idea what that would be like for the others in your house. We will be praying here as well that God will work all things out for the good.
    Catherine

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  17. Christine, I agree with Christie, that openness and acceptance helps hugely. I often bring up birth parents (for example, pray for them at night), and birth families - "Let me take another picture so I can send it to your Russian family."

    Prior to adoption, I expected to feel that it was "them" and "us"....but somehow I sort-of emotionally adopted the extended family too....accepting them as new relatives. I never thought I could or would do this, but somehow my heart was opened for me and it has been the best feeling. I really feel affection for these people! (To be fair I don't have an actual abusive person to deal with - only one nice father, siblings, grandparents, aunts, etc.)

    But, shortly after we got here Anastasia called her Russian mother (she has since either died or "gone off" depending on who you ask). However, once the connections were made and I got involved with the Russian families, the Russian families became a lot less intriguing. I didn't really expect this outcome, but it was almost instantaneous. One phone call, and since then it has been me begging them to write, urging them to call, etc.

    From Anastasia I occasionally get a "I want my Russian mother!!!"....but I recall being a little girl and slamming my door to the tune of "I wish I didn't HAVE parents!!!" and I don't think she means what she says any more than I did; it is just convenient for her.

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  18. I was thinking about you today. You and your family popped into my head and it made me think that perhaps you needed an extra prayer today. I know that you already know that everything will work itself out. Just wanted you know I was thinking about you all and praying for you. (((hugs)))

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  19. I just wanted to let you know that as an adult adoptee ( I am 41). This thoughts are common to all adoptees. Some adoptees do not express them for fear of hurting the adoptive parents but they are all having them.
    This is part of being adopted.. The what if's. An adoptee always wonders and always will how things would have or could be different.
    I finally realized that Jesus was adopted and if it was good enough for Jesus than it was good enough for me.
    I don't know how to tell you to help them through it but it will help to be honest with them about it and willing to let them talk it through.

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I find your comments so inspiring! Thanks for visiting our family blog, and sharing your thoughts.