Phew--- this parenting thing is hard.
So onto the trials.
A few of the older kids have been incredibly sassy. They have a comeback for everything. Just the other morning, my daughter comes out in a skirt without a slip. Now I may be old school, but when you wear a dress or a skirt in this family-- you wear a slip, with jean skirts being the only exception. This is not a brain fart (I am embarrassed to use this word but I don't know what else to call it) I just pulled out of thin air but a modesty issue that we take seriously in our home. Instead of a "Yes Mom," or a "I forgot Mom," or a simple, "Okay," because not only are those respectful replies but my daughter was already on thin ice for back talking the prior night, she began arguing how it already had a built in slip, how it was fine, how I don't know what I am talking about when I explain to her again how the sun shining through it will show her body silhouette, blah, blah, blah, blah. John being right there spoke up that she should not talk with that tone in that way to me to which she replied that it wasn't his skirt so it wasn't his business. Of course, I made her take off the skirt and change after she made it clear that she would not wear a slip. And of course she is grounded for her argumentative attitude to the both of us for the past week or so-- but having her grounded doesn't make me feel any better like she thinks it does.
As if I enjoy this.
Other things have included some of our boys inappropriately smacking each other in the private area when they are goofing off or rough housing-- which is a big No No. I know that this is a fairly common thing with children-- even I remember "experimenting", but it doesn't mean I have to condone it. And so I explain and do what I feel is necessary to stop it-- but in the midst of it all, it feels like a much bigger issue and I question how this even came up.
And then there is the lying. One thing I hate more than anything is when an issue comes up with lying. It is one thing to do something you shouldn't- but to then lie about-- well that makes things 10 times worse.
Even after all of Paul's cavities, he still had the nerve to lie to me when I asked him if he had brushed his teeth. I had a feeling he hadn't brushed his teeth the first day of school even when he told me he had and so I checked at bedtime when he said he had brushed but wasn't in the bathroom even one full minute. Sure enough he hadn't brushed and he had been lying about it for who knows how long. After getting in trouble for lying I asked him to pick out his clothes for school the next day and finish getting ready for bed. 10 minutes later I saw that he still hadn't done what I asked so I picked his outfit out for him. After tucking him in bed, I came back to check on all the kids and saw that he had changed the outfit I had picked out for him. Oh no he doesn't.
Anyway after taking care of these little behavioral things, I whispered in his ear as I kissed his cheek that I will always love him forever. He didn't reply, but in the morning he came downstairs wearing what I picked out for him with his teeth brushed. For real.
One of my teenage boys has been letting his anger escalate despite him knowing better and being able to control it like I know he can. So, he had to spend the whole evening in his room and had his IPOD taken away for one week. The next day was a repeat even though on a much smaller scale- so I added an additional three days of no IPOD plus no computer. There was just no room for me to give him even an inch.
One of my middle boys has been "bugging", "picking on", whatever you want to call it, on one of his brothers. Totally unacceptable. I take responsibility for allowing this to happen way too much. I would simply tell them to cut it out, or give them a 5 minute timeout. This was not cutting it, so I began to give bigger consequences like no going to Grandma and Grandpa's house, early bedtimes, etc. This was helping but I still wasn't consistent enough, therefore the behavior would pop right back up. Finally something inside me screamed-- Enough is Enough! And then I began cracking down much harder. And lo and behold we have began seeing a difference.
Wish I could say the same for Alex. He is having an incredibly hard time with not listening, screaming, and doing everything except what he is supposed to do. He is poking kids with his crutches, moves the second his teacher turns around, screams, disrupts the class, refuses to do what he is asked, and does things like pour his Capri Sun in his bag of cookies for attention. I could go on and on but what purpose would that serve. Bottom line is-- he has needed someone with him 24/7 at school not because of his special needs but because of his disruptive behavior. And yes I could chalk it all up to him starting kindergarten and having new siblings but I think that would only be making excuses for him. See-- these are the exact same behaviors we saw even before we brought him home-- the same behaviors he has struggled with off and on all year. And yet when Alex is in a very strict environment he does wonderful. So I chalk this up more as him testing his surroundings to see just how far he can get away with things. And sadly, right now he is testing every which way. And every which way I am holding him accountable to his behavior.
Just this morning he chose to write on the wall. Praise the Lord, he admitted it the first time I asked him. But I expect nothing less. So still, he got sent to his room... after having to clean the wall. And there he was not allowed to scream, whine, or play around. And he didn't. Now I am trying to teach him that the same behavior is expected at school-- even when I am not there.
With all of this going on, thankfully we see way more positive things that make us smile. For instance, John and his brother took the six oldest boys river rafting with Grandpa. Before going, they all cooked a casserole together that I will bake before they get home. And Paul allowed Andrew to wear his flipflops. Cooperation and sharing at their best!
Also, Anastasia decided she wanted to start doing more chores around the house... to be like her sisters or show us that she is capable and responsible is my guess. So, she cleaned up the whole kitchen and didn't even use up half a bottle of dish soap. :) Annalyn has shown me more appreciation for the little things I do that used to go unnoticed. Like out of the blue she came up to me a week later after cutting her hair and told me how much she likes her hair. She thanked me again. This was really nice.
As I try and close up this post I am full of mixed emotions. The best way to describe them is the name of this blog-- Smiles and Trials. Of course there are going to be good times and bad. Of course our kids are going to go through times of rebellion and times of great growth. But that is to be expected. I think it is no coincidence that I have gotten three emails this past week from parents who are having a hard time all the while me feeling like I have been hiding the trials. It is so easy to hide the struggles and before you know it, they swallow you up whole and then spit you out leaving you feeling defeated and hopeless.
So, I share. Not all of it-- but a good part of it. Because though I think we are good parents, we still have our own share of struggles. Thanks to those of you who shared with me first--- it reminded me of one of the big reasons I began blogging in the first place.
To have other parents know that they are not alone.
Thanks for listening. And please feel free to share about your own ups and down in the comment section.
24 inspiring thoughts:
When our kids were teens and got sassy with me, my hubby would take them aside and tell them that they may think they could talk to their mother like that but they were NOT allowed to talk to his WIFE that way! That actually got their attention. Just passing on an idea.
I think you are doing an amazing job with everything. I agree that it's important to blog about your hard times, because we all have them. And how knows? Your solutions will hopefully help others, too. Hang in there. (((HUGS)))
First, you are amazing and I admire you. Second, I am grateful when you post about the trials, because sometimes it helps to know that others are struggling with these types of behaviors too. Lastly, I can't wait to hear your big news you keep mentioning! You're in my prayers.
You all are great parents Christine. Daniel has been really tough the last 3 weeks (he's 4 now) with talking back, not listening, etc. You just have to find what works for each child (which sounds like you're doing great with!) It took me 3 weeks to come up with something for one of Daniel's behaviors, but we did and it worked. Parenting is def. Smiles and Trials!
I'm glad you shared. Sometimes we post all fun pictures on our blogs and everyone thinks everything is just fine when really there are issues. I'd rather hear that others are having the same issues. Like my twins are having some of the same ones as Alex. Kaleb has began lying a lot. Early this morning before anyone was up he pooped and peed in his trash can rather than the toilet. He hid it under the bed. The dogs knocked it over. He just laughed and then he told Rick (I'd gone out early to get birthday donuts for Jessica) that the dogs pooped and peed not him. Um right. Because dogs always stand up and poop in trash cans, right? He's lied many times this week.
First day of kindergarten was an eye opener for Kayla's teacher. I posted about that.
My sassy one is Kayla but she normally saves it for Rick.
We share some of the same smiles and trials : )
I'm sooo glad you've shared! Without your sharing, I would forever be feeling like a failure of a mom. . .I love my son, but feel I fall terribly short on most days. . .but then there are the days of laughter and smiles all around and I know I must be doing something right!!! So, thank you for sharing!
I appreciate this Christine; I don't know if you read about my most recent trial, but it is good to know you have them too! Otherwise it might just be my poor parenting.
There are reasons and there are excuses. I try to understand WHY kids might be doing what they do, and I think that way it is easier for me to not just punish, but to also counsel, and help them learn strategies for self-control.
An example would be the way Maxim would blow up when I was late picking him up. Just punishing him for the behavior didn't accomplish a thing - in fact, it might have made things worse, because he had no clue why he was doing what he was doing. His behavior was more like PTSD. When I made the connection and could help him understand that my being late was a trigger, reminding him of bad things in the past - he made an almost total turn-around. Never again did he go ballistic because I was late.
I would tend to say that the less dramatic stuff you describe is not in this category. It may well BE all the change and emotional upset...but you can't always keep that from occuring. Making them aware of it can't hurt....it might help them understand why they are tempted to behave similarly in the future. But a swift reminder in the present can't hurt.
Thank you for posting your trials!
As I'm dealing with my own trials I always wonder, "How is it Christine never has these issues and she has a lot more children." Not that I want you to have trials I was just beating myself up and telling myself I must not be good enough or parenting perfectly.
It sounds like the screaming with Alex might be a trigger. Maybe being at school is triggering his emotions he had at the orphanage. Just a thought.
Happy parenting! You are doing a fantastic job!
Christine,
You are an amazing Mum! You have 14 children so you will have many more trials than someone with 3 or 4. My daughter always says you 'have to find the kid's currency' for punishment. And this is true. What works for one won't for the next. They are never going to be angels all the time - and you have hormonal children there - at 6 I would say, and they all like to test the waters. Sometimes you have to figure out what is important and let the rest go.Eg - Dying their purple while it looks awful isn't the end of the world. Wearing someone's clothing etc without asking is. Lying is a big NO NO for sure. That is the one thing I really had no tolerance for. You are doing a great job so don't be too hard on yourself. Our children all do things at some time that are a disappointment to us. That's life and that's kids.
Marilyn in Canada
yes, you are doing a fantastic job. i can relate to the hard times too. your description of alex's behavior reminds me so much of one of my sons. he does so beautifully at home where he know he is safe, secure, loved, and does bizarre, crazy, naughty things at school and church.
if all our days were easy, we would realize how much we are in need of Christ and his constant grace and mercy.
God bless you.
Ruth, my husband actually does that too. He also constantly reminds the kids that we are ONE.
You are right..this parenting thing is hard.
I've only got six and we deal with many of the behaviours you are dealing with.
...except the slip thing..(my gosh i havent' worn a slip in years..but i'm not much of a skirt dress person)
..
colouring on the wall, sassiness, not listening, telling tall tales etc.
..
i would say my biggest challenge is Joe's behaviour because it totally takes over. He is 10 but is very much like a big two year old..it's weary and draining but i love him no less
xx
Thank you Christine. Any blog can only ever reflect one small part of any given day (or child). I so appreciate your honesty in reflecting some of the trials as well as the smiles. Your love for your children and delight in their achievements shines through even in your reluctance to post the less positive aspects of family life. But your willingness to share the less good spots is hugely encouraging to the rest of us who also have imperfect lives and imperfect children.
I hope this week is a better week for all of them.
Don't know if it would be possible or helpful, but is there any chance hanging around at school, unseen but available instantly to reinforce the teacher for a session might help Alex to join the dots between home and school life?
My daughter wears a slip with her skirts and dresses for the very same reason. So do I. :-) It bugs the daylights out of me to see women (and girls) walking down the street in a lovely dress only to have the light hit differently and leave NOTHING to the imagination. Very uncool.
As for the behavior stuff, yes, there are about a million explainations and excuses for it. But don't beat yourself up for it. Kids are kids. Sometimes they do things that kids do. They are also their own people, not an extention of you. They make their own choices...and there may well be reasons behind those choices that have nothing to do with you!
I realize you're not sharing the whole story or all the details about what is really going on. I don't either...and for good reason. Nor am I a mom to 14 kids. So, I'm not even going to pretent to know everything or have all the answers. I don't.
However, here's some thoughts to consider. Some of what you're seeing could just be normal hormone driven stuff with your older girls. Oi yoi yoi! My girl has been NUTS lately! Of course, that doesn't make it ok or in any way suggest that you condone it and let it slide. No, you do just what you did and correct it. But, don't forget to look at what is driving the behavior. Very often, the answers to what is really bugging them is right in front of your face.
The skirt issue, for example, most likely wasn't about a skirt or even about a slip. It may have really been their way of telling you they want more independence and want to "be like all the other kids."
Now mind you, that arguement would not hold any water in my house because, well, quite frankly, I don't want them to be like the other kids who have parents who care less, are way more permissive and excuse more under the guise of it being "normal kid stuff" (stuff that in many cases WASN'T normal when we were kids) often just because they are too tired or too busy or too scared to actualy parent their kids. Nor do I want them to be like the other kids who have lower moral standards than we do in our family.
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However, I have learned that if I look first for what is driving the behavior (not the actual behavior itself) and what it is really all about for them, and hear their concern or reasoning first, they will see things my way much faster and with much less argument. In many instances, it provides an opportunity to let them explore the issues in their own minds and make their own convictions about things rather than just grudgingly complying because I said they had to. I cases of things like "I want to be like the other kids", very often they figure out on their own that they really don't! Yes, it is ok to be fashionable, but we don't have to spend a million dollars to do it, AND it can be done modestly.
What you wrote about Alex particularly struck me, though. If this behavior has been going on since before you adopted him and parenting doesn't seem to be having much affect in changing them, or they keep popping back up, even after more than a year of him being home, it may be time to look seriously at trauma being their driving cause. Unfortunately, trauma related issues can't just be "parented" or "disciplined" away. Just like any other illness, they require specialized treatment. Trauma related issues could include PTSD, prenatal alcohol and drug exposure, and attachment. There is WAY more to attachment than just a child's willingness to cuddle and hug.
Furthermore, if you have a child (or children) who are struggling with these issues, THEY ARE NOT ABOUT YOU!!! Nor are they a reflection on you or your ability to parent them. Trauma based issues are a result of children being hurt so severely that it literally changes their brain functioning and ability to cope with stress before they entered your world. The kids didn’t choose them, and in many instances, they also don’t get to choose how they are responding to or expressing that trauma. Trauma may well have robbed them (at least until they heal) of their ability to make choices regarding it.
Trauma issues stink and they are not much fun to deal with, but they are what they are. There is no shame in recognizing them for what they really are, too. Nor do they mean you have “failed” your kids in some way. No, you haven’t. Sadly, we also can't change the things that happened to create them. But we can do a lot to help our kids heal from them, especially once we’re willing to put our own stuff aside and let the issues simply be what they are. Again, I don’t even pretend to have all the answers and I’m not out to “diagnose” anyone over the internet. However, I can promise you that if you take YOU out of the issues, and let them be only about them and what happened to them, they'll settle down a lot faster.
You're an amazing lady! Keep doing what you're doing. Keep up the good work! (((hugs!)))
That's me, too. Yesterday, I was cleaning the church and had to take our (adopted) son with me since no one was at home. He was mostly very good and spent his time drawing. Sometimes, though, he just talks and jabbers and makes random comments and tries to play with me (when I am not feeling playful) until I can't stand it any more and I bark at him. On our way home, I asked him if I was too crabby. He said sometimes, and sometimes everybody is. I told him I would try not to be so crabby (though I still get to tell him what to do). Sometimes, it's more me than him.
Is it possible that all Paul's problems with his teeth brushing are because his dislike of his tooth paste's taste and he is too shy to tell you about it?
and sorry to hear about Alex. however he is in your family only for a year. I am sure he will be OK eventually.
Firstly, I hope it is So. Calif. that you are moving to! Secondly, it is so good to know we aren't the only ones who struggle with very similar behaviors as you do! I am sorry you are having a rough time right now. I so appreicate your honesty. It is so encouraging to me in the middle of my own family struggles.
Sorry you have your share of "trials"; but it does make a person feel a little less of a failure when you read others have similiar issues, that it's not just me! Our eldest, the one home @ 10 yrs, now ~ 12 yrs, lies. Lies, lies, lies. Lies about lying. Tells the truth then says it's a lie. If her lips are moving, she's lying. Or eating. 'Cause she eats a lot. Can even eat while she's getting chewed out for lying. And lie while eating. We've been trying seriously for 3 mos to get her to stop responding to us with "wut?" or "yea"...not that I have a big problem with these words, it's the snotty, snarky tone in which she uses them. This will not get her very far in life; it doesn't get her very far at home. Not that my other "older" isn't snotty at times also, but between the lying and "wut's" that won't stop, we're about about ready to blow a gasket. Praying I don't have to listen to it until she exits her teenage years 'cause I don't think I can stand that :) If anyone ever finds the magic solution for lying and pre-teen snottiness, I would be blessed to hear it!!!!! Blessings, Jennifer
Sometimes when we go thru rough weeks with our children they just plain suck (the week not the kids) good thing is most of the time they dont last forever. Praying for your family.
Thanks so much for keeping it real. I think that is the one contribution that adoptive parents can truly offer PAPs - the gift of truth. While it's humbling and certainly can be painful, it is the honest posts that are the most beneficial.
Besides...when you keep it real, that's when us, your bloggy friends, can offer something back. Virtual hugs! ((hugs)) ;)
Christine, you are so right. Parenting is a really tough job! I think I had no idea how hard of a job it was or how seriously I would take it.
Thanks for sharing your trials Christine. Our seven children have had the same issues at one time or the other. It's so hard not to doubt yourself. Some days I feel like an awful mother, although, I know deep down I am not. Just a normal mother with normal trials. Thanks again for sharing:)
You are an amazing mom. Our daughter was adopted at 2 from an orphanage and couldn't crawl or walk. She is now almost 5 and her behavior is worse than ever. She is much worse at preschool than at home. At school, she hits the teachers, pulls out her hair, bites herself and hits other kids when she is challenged in some way. She refuses to take a nap and people have tried basically forcing her to lie down I think and this has caused her to become enraged. She is now starting to act enraged at home when she is told no or challenged. She used to just act stubborn and I would give her a choice and she could normally make the right choice. Now I've lost all control over the behavior and she is out of control. She has a preschool iep. Sticker charts, rewards, consequences none of these things work for her. I've joined neuronetwork on yahoo. I've ordered the beyond consequences logic and control book. Read the reviews on amazon books. I am now convinced she is suffering from trauma from her early neglect. She also has sensory processing dysfunction and is very very clumsy and uncoordinated. If Alex is suffering from trauma from early neglect he could be acting out of fear and not dispect. My daughter is now getting where she clenches her fists and tries to attack. I am convinced she cannot control herself now when she gets upset. She did this the other day and I just picked her up and held her, patted her on the back, and said it's ok and she instantly stopped her rage. It was instantly stopped. i couldn't believe it. I am now in the process of getting her neurological reorganization treatment. I've read only positive things about this NR stuff and how it has really changed the lives of adopted children whose parents have spent years on treatment of other kind without success. Read up on this neuro reorg. Alex didn't crawl I am guessing and neither did our daughter. Crawling and creeping are the two things that are done in the NR program and I've had many people email their success stories with this treatment. There is a place in CA called Brain Highways.com. Check it out. The person that trained them in Bette Lamont and we are currently awaiting an appt with her. If you do look into this brain highways they have an online program too. However, according to Betty, who trained them, there is one aspect of their program that needs to be tweaked and that is that the kids should not crawl with their chests totally to the ground and it should be their belly buttons. So if you do end up with this program, discuss all this with them first. Please check this NR treatment out and the BCLC. We are definitely gonna do this NR in the next few months. Read about sargent goodchild with activehealing.com in MA. He did this NR as a child when he was dx with epilepsy and autism. Read his site. I have to say that when I checked out your recent blog I was thinking to myself before I even came to your post how in the world can she have this many adopted children from orphanages and none of them have severe behavioral issues. We have one child and I was wondering how in the world we would be able to manage if we had another one with behavioral issues. Obviously, I am not happy that you are having issues with Alex, but I have to say that reading your blog at times really made me feel like I must be falling short as I was struggling with one and you were so successful with all yours. I really think it is nothing you are doing wrong, and that Alex is suffering from trauma. My husband is listening to the BLCC books on tape and is implementing the techniques he's learned. It is amazing because our daughter definitely challenges him much much more than me and now she is extremely more cooperative with him. I am so proud of him for taking this seriously and really trying this. Best of wishes and if you want to email me for any specifs on anything or check in with me 6 mths from now to see if we've had our own success with the NR program, here's my email hdoug67@yahoo.com
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