Lately I have been in my own secret little funk. Sure on the outside everything looks okay, but on the inside there have been days when the littlest thing has set me off crying, and something insignificant has seemed overwhelming, and my anger has gotten the best of me resulting in me yelling louder than usual-- which means the neighbors probably heard me. And then I get embarrassed from that, and feel like such a failure for losing it which leaves me wondering why I still think I can do anything without Him. Because I can't. It seems like most of the time I go about doing the exact things I do not want to do.
I don't want to yell..... but what do I go and do---- SCREAM! Where is the gentle, loving, patient, joyful Mama I so want to be? I think she got lost when she was pumping gas and Dennis got out of his carseat and locked the doors and pretended for a while that he didn't know how to unlock them. Reading about this little incident makes me wonder why I couldn't have smiled and laughed and played the locky-loo game with my son for ten or so minutes. Surely a better Mom than me would do just that-- right?
I don't want to feel like the world is crashing down just because I have three family situations going on, the toilet is overflowing, and I just remembered that I have a meeting in thirty minutes..... but what do I go and do---- I sit down and cry because it is my turn to have a five minute pity party. Where is the strong, got it all together mother of twelve who never sweats the small stuff? She must have stepped out for a while when she found a medical bill she forgot to pay as she was filing away another one she just got done fighting her insurance about. I bet every other Mom never gets their panties in a bind over a few stupid medical bills-- right??
I don't want to constantly point out the messes my kids forgot to put away..... but what do I go and do---- I go and find them, show them the mess, have them clean it up, and then send them to their rooms for a while. Where is the Mom who embraces her messy house that shows she has a houseful of kids? I think she went on strike when she found the bathroom baseboard showing signs of rot because her girls didn't wipe up the water after their shower or maybe it was when she rested her arm on the counter only to find out that her new shirt had strawberry jam all over her sleeve. If only they would have cleaned up that darn jam.
I don't want to entertain the kids tattling on each other..... but what do I go and do--- I listen to them share what mischief their sibling got into and then discipline both kids-- the one who tattled for tattling and the one who threw snails at cars while at the bus stop. Where is the Mom who says no tattling and means it and refuses to listen to it? I think she went on vacation when she found out that one of her children was only packing desserts for lunch and another was borrowing things that she shouldn't be.
I can go on and on but what would be the point? That I am so not perfect, that I so don't have all the answers, that I fall short of my own expectations in the parenting department? I don't need anyone to tell me that. Tonight I spent some time with my younger boys as I tucked them into bed. I didn't rush through prayers and kisses like I usually do. Instead I answered all of those last minute questions and said not one but three different prayers. So it took twenty minutes instead of five-- who's counting??
I guess I share all of this because after a while it gets a little heavy to carry on my own. I just felt it was time to get it off my chest so that I could look at a few of my issues and try to address them head on. At this moment, tackling them seems as impossible as me running a ten minute mile, which I truly can't do right now if my life depended on it. But I know that with running you need to train, just like I need to work on my parenting weaknesses. And I am excited to see just how God is going to use my weakness to bring Him glory. Meanwhile, I will continue to rest in his grace.
2 Corinthians 12:9 (New International Version)
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
And let's not forget.....
tomorrow is a new day.
A fresh start.
31 inspiring thoughts:
What I hear you saying is a Momma who is doing normal Momma things. A Momma who is parenting 12 children. It doesn't mean it's right. You are a human saved by grace! Thankfully, we can start each day with a new slate. Only because of Jesus! Hang in there Dear! The retreat's coming soon! :-)
Just loving you exactly the way you were made!
Love,
Another imperfect mama of alotta!!!
Thanks for sharing the REAL day and your struggles! I know I've looked back and wished I could have laughed at some of the things I crabbed over. I'm glad for second chances and loving kids and a Father in Heaven who sees far more in me than I will EVER see in myself!
Oh, I sure understand this post! Sounds soooooo familiar! I just so want to only be kind, loving, patient ... so where does that loud scream come from when someone is not hearing my first attempts at nicely asking them to do something. Just the same about the messes .... of course teaching them to clean up after themselves is important, but when all is said and done, the kids will remember the kind words, the questions answered, the stories read, the time spent with them - and they won't remember the dusty furniture or the crumbs under the table! I totally understand what you're saying. But kids do learn from parents who blow up and then apologize afterwards, right?! Have a nice day!
My dear christine:
what is happening is normal. You are NOT a bad mother you are NOT lacking.
My dear, you are in the midst of getting two amazing children. You are in the midst of raging hormomes(sometimes quietly raging) of older kids. You are in the midst of kids...being kids.
And you are being a mom. God created love. But, to truly know love, we must also know frustration, irritation and-yes-even anger.
Love shines even brighter through these emotions.
Let those tears fall, punch that pillow and even let out a little scream(I once screamed in the shower after my son broke my mothers glass vase. It meant so much and I was soooo angry. I just cried and screamed in the shower)
But know He is their...and He is not judging you. For even the Son got angry...pushing over tbe tables of the money lenders. And if that great and perfect soul can get angry---so can you.
This so sounds like too many of my days lately. I go to bed feeling like such a failure.
Loved this post today. My husband and I were just having this same conversation about how it seems all we do lately is yell at the kids (and we only have 3 right now). I can so relate to the "open window" comment as well, sure our neighbors are thinking we've gone crazy over here! Hang in there, you are an amazing Mom.
You are a human and that's the reason. I'd have been taken away in a straight jacket a long time ago. One was all I could handle so I take off my hat to you and all that you do. Enjoy your weekend away from everyone as you deserve the girls getaway.
AMEN!
What I hear a is very normal, but very stressed out, overwhelmed mom. A mom who has two arms, two legs, two eyes, two ears, and one mouth...and 12 kids to parent all at the same time and is in the throws of another international adoption and is sick with worry over baby #13. Since I know things can be miscued in email, that is NOT a judgemental statement in any way shape or form. It is merely a statement of what is.
On most days, that is WAY more than enough to overwhelm and completely sink so many of us. But you take it all on with grace. There are days, however, that it isn't nearly as easy as you make it look. Mathematics tells us that. Even if you were able to simutaneously devote one arm, leg, eye, mouth, and whatever to meeting a different child's needs, you're still out numbered, which will lead to occasional weariness and overwhelm. Thankfully, each night provides opportunities for rest and renewal, and each new day provides opportunities to start fresh with a clean slate.
If this is an ongoing, seems to be getting worse issue, is there something else driving it other than "normal" everyday life with 12 and soon to be 13 children - whatever that "normal" is. Are you still dealing with unresolved grief - maybe over your dad's passing or the special needs of your children or something else?
Grief isn't just something we can bury and be strong enough not to need to experience. It is a vital and necessary part of complete healing. So many of us, though, fall into the trap of not granting ourselves the permission or the time to actually go through it. So we stuff it deep down inside hoping it will go away. But, it never does, at least not until we let it run it's full course.
When someone we love passes on, the need to slow down and grieve is obvious and soemthing the world recognizes and expects us to do. That's not the only thing in life that hurts us though. I've had to go through an extensive grieving process over my kids - the anger over those who hurt them and the lack of early care and maltreatment they've experienced, sadness over the reality that what I got doesn't match the dream of what I thought it would be, greif over the loss of their innocense and childhood and the ensuing trauma has that turned our family upside down and inside out, special needs that will leave both my kids with physical and emotional limitations for the rest of their lives.
None of that means I don't love my kids to pieces. I do! And as anyone who knows me knows, I will go to the ends of the earth for them and literally have more than once. I've also realized that allowing myself to experience the grief that comes with reality not matching dreams has allowed me to more fully embrace them for who they really are, to more fully accept their needs for what they are, and to be more effective (hopefully) at being able to really help them heal. Grief is indeed very hard and it does take time...but it is also VERY worth it!
Again, these are all just thoughts and questions that have come to mind based on my own experience. They aren't judgements or "you should do this." Those don't help anyone.
May you be blessed with peace and wisdom as you start your new day!
Great post.. we all strive to be better moms but when we rely on the Lords strength that's when we CAN :)
You sound like a normal Mom overwhelmed with life. School is ending, kids are anxious for summer, and it comes at you so slowly that just one day you say STOP I can't take it. That is ok because if you don't you won't stop and re group and get on with life. I feel all that you feel, a bad Mom because I can't do it all and feel good. Life happens and it is ok to have a pity party.
My sister once said after I made a comment that I must be close to that time of the month because I was feeling blue/pity party place. And she said "why do you need to have a reason to have a pity party for yourself, sometimes you Just Need Them, for no other reason that to have one. So go have one and enjoy it.
Dear Christine,
I am with you on the sometimes needing to give up for a second before rallying...we have a deadline of May 28 to finish our dossier to be matched w/2 girls and some of it may not be possible, so I caved to a pity party before trying to remind myself about God's timing. God forgives our lapses, so we have to forgive them ourselves, even as we try to do better. Don't think I could have resisted screaming from outside the car window, either!
As for tattling, we never punished that unless the tattler was telling something untrue, and I never punished true tattles. I figure it is my job to decide whether an infraction deserves punishment, and the benefit of having 3 extra eyes and ears to help me discipline my 4 boys was a necessary bonus! Do you really want to raise adults who don't report a co-worker's theft b/c it is "not my business?" Or a soldier who doesn't report abuse of a civilian or even an opponent? Learning to get another into trouble and having faith that the system will deal properly with the wrongdoer is, in my opinion, a skill to be learned at home. I know many don't agree with me, but 2 of my sons are adults and the fact that we did not have a no-tattling rule doesn't seem to have affected them, nor are they whiners. Just a thought! Keep the faith,
Sherry
Ugh I too have days (weeks) like this.
I want to be the calm laid back contented smiling Mum - and then I put us all in positions where I know the children are going to struggle, an then I get cross with them for struggling.
I can so relate to this post. But life isn't a competency test, and our kids don't expect us to be perfect parents. Just think though Christine, when we can have true humble thoughts about ourselves, then God can help us!! That is a wonderful place to be! Then we aren't blaming others and getting bitter and miserable! It is the spirit that we are in that matters most, not what we accomplish, or what we do wrong. The battle lies within us, really the outward things are secondary. I am so encouraged that you are seeking Him in all of life's trials, I enjoyed this post very much. Yes, hindsight is 20/20, just thinking of Dennis playing that trick on you at the gas station will bring a smile to my face for a few days....thanks so much for sharing....and remember to invite God to all pity parties!!!
I felt that way yesterday when I woke up to the sad new's Chrissie the sweet girl I had been praying for had passed away, I do take comfort in knowing she is looking into the face of Jesus. My attiude sucked the rest of the day and it showed, I am so ashamed of that. when I had fussed at the kids for what seemed like the bazillioth time, she just looked at me, her little eye's filled with tears and she said you should be nice mama that hurts my heart. Can you imagin the pure shame I felt. I took the time to give her a long hug and say I am sorry, and then I told God I was sorry and asked him to help me do better today. Nothing like kids to keep you honest...
I soo hear you. I had the same kind of day yesterday--wanted to curl up and cry last night too.
I am beyond thankful that each day is a new day with no mistakes.
I'm imperfect right there with ya. And these days, it seems like I have more days like this than "normal" days. And yes, today is a new day. And I pray that we both have a wonderful one.
OH MY GOODNESS YOU COULD BE MY LONG LOST TWIN!
and if that were the case you would STILL be the BETTER twin :)
I know only TOO WELL what you are describing. I always wish I would do better.....it is depressing at times...a lot of the time actually...
I see other moms doing such a better job and acting totally different than I do, and I think "why?? what's defective in ME"????
I don't know. genetics maybe ? :)
`Oh, and by the way I have HALF the kids you do, which makes you even MORE the better twin :)
Don't be so hard on yourself Christine, we're all human, and sometimes, it's a HARD job!
Jodi
I think we can all relate Christine! Kids being kids is so overwhelming sometimes. Hang in there, and try not to be to hard on yourself.
-Sarah
Ahhh, you're human too! I love it, only because I feel the exact same thing! Virtual (((hugs))) to you! I am feeling so thankful that He is my source of strength and HIs supply never runs out!
your honesty is a blessing for those who feel the way you do but are afraid of being judged when they speak up. I know you have a weekend off coming up, hang in there till then and then enjoy every single minute!
You know what my very first thought was? But you are pregnant Christine, I mean you are, indeed, expecting children, and I do believe many of those hormones affects us whether it is a biological pregnancy or an adoption one!
Only God is perfect!
At least you can say you have tweleve kids and one on the way...I only have four kids and feel like that all the time! LOL! God will continue to grow us until He returns! Thank goodness for His grace. :)
Christine,
You are "expecting" all expecting moms act crazy once in awhile. It is completely normal---hormonal even.
Give yourself a break, apologize to whomever you yelled at and call it a day. You are doing a great job!!!
OH I SO understand what you're saying! Just yesterday as I yelled at one daughter for leaving a chair out and the other for looking at me with attitude I thought "why can't I be that soft spoken mom that seems to have it all together"...I may never get there but I'm working on it :-)
I've been feeling this way too. I screamed at my kids last night and feel badly about it. Being a mom is tough!
What a great post and it sure sounded just like me lately. So wonderful to know I am not alone out there with these struggles.
I'm so thankful that God's love and His help are not based on our "performance." He yearns to draw us closer to Him, and He can do that when we are totally honest with Him, as you have been. When we "open up" the messy areas of our lives, His healing light can shine in - and His grace is always sufficient!
Please don't be too hard on yourself! Your mother's heart shines!
Christine,
Thanks for being so transparent in this post. I think all your readers let out a sigh of relief that you are a normal mom who has rough days. I only have four and there are days I feel like Mommy Dearest.
One of my favorite verses is 2 Corinthians 12:9. So true that our example and our strength as parents should simply come from our Heavenly Father. Praise God that His grace is always enough.
God Bless,
Kathie
Would it make you feel better if I told you I warned the kiddies just today that if I find anymore jam in places other than between two slices of bread that I was going to ban them all from jam...HA! I was so serious at that moment..cause I am like always so rational ;o)
Right now in makes me giggle a jam ban. What a nut I can be.
Have a wonderful time on your ladies get away. Wish I could go!
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