I wish I knew why a child would choose to lie even when she knows that her Mom knows the truth?
Why would she choose to lie even when it means inferring that her sisters are the ones then that are lying?
Why would she choose to lie when there is way less of a consequence because she actually told the truth when she did something that she knew better than to do?
Why, why, why?
And it can be any kind of lying.
The nonsensical kind of lie.
The exaggerating to get attention type lie.
The I want to get on my Mom's nerves kind of lie.
The I can't help it that it slipped out of my mouth type lie.
The I don't care who I hurt kind of lie.
The I think I will get in less trouble by lying type of lie.
They are all lies.
And in our home-- NONE OF THEM ARE ACCEPTABLE.
For the most part none of my children would be characterized as a liar. Except for one.
And I am not lying.
This is something that I know I should not take personally. But I do.
How can I not? I have invested so much love, time, and energy into this child--- that it feels like a slap in the face each time she can look me in the eye and flippantly lie to me passing it off as the truth.
And what really stings is that most people just don't get it. I mean really. Who brings up in conversations--- "Oh your daughter cleaned out her closet and gave her clothes away to charity?? Well my daughter pretended to clean up her closet by shoving all of her clothes into the back and then lied about it even though all her sister's saw her do it and encouraged her to hang them up. Top that!"
I am trying to be strong. I am trying to not take it personally. I am trying to not have it consume me-- but the truth is-- when one of my relationships with my kids feels broken-- I hurt.
And this hurt I will carry tucked away the best that I can because I have to pick myself up and go on-- but it will still be there.
And as I talk to God-- plead to Him to heal my daughter-- I hear Him whispering to me to pray.
Keep her in your thoughts dear Christine. Hold her near your heart every minute of the day. Lift her up. Invest your prayers in her threefold. As you pray for someone you are investing quality time and you are becoming their biggest encourager. When you invest your time in someone through prayer--- you grow to love them. And when you love someone-- it carries you even when they don't reciprocate that love. Why? Because your love for them is rock solid in My truth, in My love-- and that is enough Christine. I promise.
I don't know what I would do without my Rock. With Him I am reminded of Ephesians 3:20. He is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine because of His power that is at work within us.
Press on.... I know I will.
17 inspiring thoughts:
I never advocate anyone doing things my way.. because of course my way is, well, my way.
But when my daughter was 9, she lied all the time. I hated it, and it aggravated me daily. She told silly lies... stuff that was obvious.
I tried grounding and talking and grounding and pleading... didn't work.
So one day, I told her to get dressed, we were going shopping. New shoes, some new clothes, and out to lunch.
She was excited.
We got into the car. I drove to the grocery store. She said, "I thought we were going clothes shopping!"
And I answered, "Oh. I lied."
She wasn't happy. Said how she hated being lied to.
I said, "Oh! You don't like it?? It really stinks when you can't trust a person you love to tell you the truth, huh?"
It actually worked.
I have the same issue.....thank you for the encouragement! I could never do it without my ROCK either. And did you know a couple of weeks ago- she actually told a truth!!!!! It was AMAZING....of course digression since then, but hey I am still praying!
It is possible she has convinced herself it is the truth and will be something she will do the rest of her life nothing against you just keep up praying there is no help greater then God. Maybe like the cloths you take them and she has to earn them back or she goes without any new ones.
Read these two articles. They are very VERY helpful. Actually, the entire site is helpful.
Read this first:
http://perspectivespress.com/blog/2009/05/26/another-crazy-whopper-understanding-and-dealing-with-lying-part-one/
This second:
http://perspectivespress.com/blog/2009/05/27/another-crazy-whopper-understanding-and-dealing-with-lying-part-two/
This site also offers comprehensive information about other issues that stem from lying.
You may not agree with everything. But it is a good source and is someting to check out.
Why would she choose to lie? But children are quite often unreasonable. Are you sure your mum always could explain your behavior? Don’t get upset too much I am sure sooner or later she will be OK. Valenina
It is hard not to take things like that personally. That is perhaps the hardest thing for me when a behavior repeats itself.
As you know, kids crave attention and even if it's negative.
Love Ami's solution to when her daughter was doing the same thing.
I agree with you that it is not acceptable in your house or for that matter in life.
I feel your pain with this one, and I know from experience with my older son. He would lie about anything and everything and it was so bad. We had in therapy, and he saw a phyc and a few others and he continues to do that and more. He belives everything out of his mouth and you can catch him red handed and he will still not tell the truth. He is no longer living with us and he chose to go and live with his dad because he did not want to do therapy, and his bad behaviors were ramping up to a stage he was a danger to the younger children. We tried everything, if you would like to know more pleae email me privetly as I do not want to put it all out there for all to read.
Hang in there and consider some councling (sp)for her.
Suzanna Wesley had a solution for lying, she never punished for telling the truth. For example, if the child ADMITTED they were the one that broke something and apologized, they wouldn't be punished, they would be forgiven. I didn't like this when I first read it, but a few years later, I really regretting not taking her advice. Kids lie to escape punishment and to not disappoint their parents. They also lie if the parents have a tendency to disclipline in anger. When you teach them to admit their faults and accept forgiveness, you are teaching them the relationship they need to have with the Heavenly Father. Why do kids lie? It is their nature, their sin nature. Our job is to show them how to deal with it. You are doing the right things, praying and leaning on the Lord. He WILL give you wisdom, He promises!
I'm sorry, Christine. My kids do it, too, and I take it personally, too. Why is that? It is like a slap in the face and it just really gets my goat when they do that. Hang in there. Continue to pray for her. And yourself.
It seems that sometimes that when a lie is told, even if they know that you know the truth or will find out, it is a lie to save face, to keep pride intact, to not admit they're wrong.
This is where we need to teach them that it is ok to say "I was wrong" and to learn that too much pride is not always a good thing.
Don't be too disheartened.
I too, have a liar in my house. It is so frustrating, especially when I KNOW he's lying, but he adamantly defends himself. I like some of the comments above, and will reflect on them and see if I can put some to good use, because this child has been a liar for many years now, and I'm tired of it...
Missy
http://ourfamilybouquet.blogspot.com
Ugh, sounds very frustrating! I'm sorry you're going through that with her!
I was adopted at age six, and I must say, it sounds pretty familiar. Through most of my late childhood/early teens, I was a compulsive liar. I didn't WANT to lie to my parents, but it was incredibly difficult not to. I can't really explain it... It was just something I felt I had to do. It drove my parents nuts, made me feel guilty as sin, and made things very difficult for everyone.
Eventually, my parents and I decided that, if I felt like lying, I would tell them. Just straight up say "I want to lie to you right now." And then, whatever the question was, they would drop it for at least a few hours, no consequences as long as no lie was told. Eventually, they'd ask again. Much easier to tell the truth the second time around, and, thank God, I no longer feel that intense desire to make something up!
You put into words what I could not...why the lies of the one we brought home at 10 yrs old bother me so much. They do sting me even though I know 10 yrs of being an orphan is a lot to overcome. Great post. I found your blog a few months back (and via RR your other blog with your new journey)...I enjoy reading many of your insights. God bless, Jennifer
This was a great encouragement to me this morning, Christine. Thanks for sharing.
Have you ever read "Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control..." by Heather Forbes and Bryan Post? A new way to look at behavior challenged kiddos. I found it worked pretty well with our RAD child. :)
Thanks for the post! I am going through a TOUGH time with one of my young adult daughters right now. So. Not. Fun.
Blessings,
Laurel :)
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