Okay so I thought I was being pro-active. I had a few minutes to spare in between conferences at the junior high so I introduced myself to the Resource Specialists that would be working with Sveta next year. Little did I know I was opening a can of worms.
Somehow her age came up and when they found out that she would be a thirteen year old 6th grader they insisted that I talk to the principal. Normally this was considered a problem come high school. Not to worry though---- I know the principal through my son Caleb who is class president-- he invited me to sit down and talk.
I gave him the low down.
We adopted Sveta over four years ago when she was just eight years old. At that time we knew she was cognitively delayed and pursued services for her. Part of that involved us having her privately tested which resulted in a FAS (fetal alcohol syndrome) diagnosis. This supported our decision to put her in one grade behind-- but eventually it was mutually decided by the IEP team to hold her back again. Physically, socially, and academically this seemed to be a fine decision when she was nine years old.
However, she has grown.
Physically, socially, and academically.
And while she may still fit in with other girls in her grade right now--- the reality is--- she is two years older than them. This has always been in the back of our minds (John and I) as we have made decisions on our daughter's behalf, but there is constantly new information that we need to take into consideration.
Regardless of what grade she is in, she will always learn at her own pace with the help of resource specialists despite the grade she is in. Realistically, if she was placed in the grade where she was academically meeting the requirements for that year, she would be in the second grade.
So that begs me to think about the reasoning behind keeping her two grades back-- why not just put her in the grade that she is performing at? Why? Because it would not be age appropriate. Period. At this stage of the game we are at the point where making the decision to either keep her where she is or bump her up a grade needs to be determined. To wait until she is in high school settled within her new environment would make the transition harder. I know it would for me. She is going from elementary school over to the junior high-- but the question remains..... will she be going as a 6th grader or a 7th?
On a side note, we have been asked to consider the same thing for Rachel. However, she is only one grade behind and she is performing around grade level at this time. To move her would be a sink or swim decision in our opinion. Right now she gets almost straight A's--- her understanding of the English language the only thing keeping her from testing proficient. The thought of moving her up a grade only to watch her struggle does not sit well with me. Yet... a part of me thinks that she will rise to the occasion and surprise even herself, if given the opportunity.
We can't forget to take into consideration their friends, their feelings, and their maturity level to even handle such a jump. Here I thought this subject was closed and now we have been asked to reconsider.
Parenting.... I don't always feel quite adequate for the job. Yet I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.
17 inspiring thoughts:
I would not move them, you can in fact move up in grades very easily in high school by opting to take summer classes for a small fee, and getting enough credits to graduate early or taking the GED when she is ready and testing out and moving onto community college. Think ahead a couple of years, do you want a FAS child exposed to 18-19 year old boys at high school sooner or later? Same really for both girls. I have almost the exact same situation and I will not move my kids. They have a social circle as well, they would have to start all over, why add the stress when they are doing well? You can legally have a child back two years so fight it, give her a single benefit of being a little ahead of some kids, it is a gift.
It is really tough - and terrifying sometimes - to have to make these types of decisions for our children. Good luck with whatever you decide!
I feel your pain, Christine: I have a 16 year old in 7th grade!!! They held him back THREE times! Yesterday we had his IEP meeting and while some Voc Rehab type folks were there, because he is not in high school, there is very little they can offer to him. It's very frustrating.
He doesn't fit in with the kids in his class due to age, and he doesn't fit in with kids his age due to immaturity...
Missy
www.ourfamilybouquet.blogspot.com
That is sooo tough. This is why I am glad I homeschool....he he he- I just put them in whatever materials are needed right then..
I don't envy your decisions as they are hard sometimes, and making what you thought to be a good decision, may end up not being good.....hard.
Christine -
I think there are so many reasons for keeping the girls where they are currently at. I have two 14 year old girls in 7th grade and I had to fight HARD to get them there, instead of 1 or 2 grades higher where the school wanted them.
First, my girls were adopted older as (if I remember right) yours were. Because of normal orphanage delays and other delays due to abuse, my girls act and socialize more like 11-12 year olds. To put them in with "normal, American" 14 year old girls would be a disaster and I think it would be very difficult for them to form good friendships.
One of my girls is working at grade level, the other is about .5-1 year behind. To push either of them up a grade or two would not give them the foundations that they need to do well in high school.
My last thought is that with them in the younger grade, the more time they will be in my home in the long run. Since they've only been with us for 1 and 4 years (respectively), the more time in our home is more time understanding how a family functions and for them to form tight, hopefully non-breakable bonds with our family.
Why rock the boat? What is the problem of leaving them where they are - doing well, comfortable (which in their cases is very important) and with their sets of friends?
I also would not want them with the older boys either.
I think that Sveta should stay at the elementary school, mainly because of the other children and how they act. Elementary age children are much more adaptive and kind. At middle school, they are much more into what is "normal", and they don't tolerant differences as much.
I think you need to think long-term with Sveta. Do you think she is capable of a high-school diploma? Or should she be a special ed. kid and get a high school completion certificate? Also, when Sveta turns 14, she starts "transition" in special education. Transition is more focus on vocational skills than academic. This might be beneficial for Sveta, in that she might be able to go straight from elementary school to a transitional/vocational program next year when she turns 14.
Most of these programs are community based instruction--where they spend more time outside of the school environment and more on the job, out in the community learning survival and independent living skills, etc. I would look into what is available. This would also have the benefit of keeping Sveta "safe" from unwanted sexual advances...kids with disabilities are easily persuaded, and abused many times more than the general population, so it is a concern. Now that she is a teenager, this is more of a concern also.
Good luck with a hard decision, Laurie (the pediatric occupational therapist)
If it ain't broke don't fix it. That's what we say in the South. LOL
I am sure this is a tough decision, esp. right after the school has done their best to convince you. You know your kids better than anyone so listen to your heart about this and don't let the school make you question yourself.
IMHO: I would not move them up. NO WAY!!! The social ramifications of moving Sveta would be unimaginable. The self-esteem ramifications to Rachel could be horribly damaging. Don't risk it. It's not worth it....Just my two cents worth. :)
Never easy... I think you have to go with your gut on this..
there have been some great adivice given already mostly what I would have said..
YOU KNOW your girls you know what will be the best for them...
As a former teacher that adores helping kids who struggle, I would not move them. It is so much better to keep them on the top of the pile than to move and they are instantly at the bottom. They are at an age where the long term ramifications are probably not worth it. Especially if there will be more services available in another year or so.
I *could* see the value of discussing it with Rachel in particular and seeing what kind of reaction you get. You might be right that she could surprise herself.
Blessings! :)
Jessica/virginiadawn
From a teacher's point of view, I am not sure why this was even brought up, especially with Rachel only a grade behind. Age is just anumber, there is so much more to think of. Your girls are comfortable where they are and moving them would take them away from their friends and everything familiar. I'm sure Sveta spends time in a regular class as well. The kids will know she moved up and question it. I don't understand the thinking that "All" kids should graduate high school when they are 17 or 18. I was 19, certainly didn't hurt me. You really can't tell the difference 1 or 2 years, especially witha girl like Sveta who is behind. I'd leave it alone. What good would come of bumping her up a grade except to get her out of school, and thus not have the school have to deal with her, q year sooner? Ridiculous that they brought it up.
Melissa
Hard decisions to make. We all just want the best for our children and just hope the decisions we make will work out. Good luck.
I think Rachel's and Sveta's cases are completely different, and while I made the decision to bring P. up a year (in the middle of the schoolyear, no less), but I'm not sure if you should do it with Rachel. It would be worth getting her opinion though.
I would keep them where they are at, especially Rachel. Sveta ... maybe moving her one year up wouldn't be horrible, but I certainly don't see a need for it.
One thing interesting that I want to point out ... kids in CA start earlier than in many other states. So, if you lived in another state, Rachel might be at grade level, and Sveta just 1 year up. No big deal. I started 2 of my boys "late" for WA State, which would have put them "really late" for CA. If we had moved to CA (as we were thinking about last spring) my kids would have been "2 grades behind". Would I have moved them up? Absolutely not!
I have to ask, "WHY?" do the teachers/principal see such a need to move them up. I really don't understand.
My husband was a private and public school teacher for 21 years ... I have homeschooled for 20 years ... and I was the program director for a public school alternative program for 5 years. From my educational background ... keep the student where they can perform the best. Don't worry about the age (at least when you are talking a 1 or 2 year difference).
And ... from the parenting perspective ... I really believe this would be a decision that dad and mom should make. I wouldn't have an elementary child make such a big decision.
Oh yea ... funny thing ... our kids' orphanage in Ghana just changed our kids ages. I don't agree with the practice, and we would have liked it if they had been honest with us from the start. But ... the reality ... my kids "fit" in the grade levels that their birth certificates put them in, and they would NEVER fit in the grade levels that their actual ages would put them in. So ... if my kids birth certificates were correct with their actual ages, I would definitely have them 2 grades behind their age level peers. They are NOT anywhere close to their true age level peers socially, emotionally, academically, etc...
Just my 2 cents ...
Laurel :)
If it doesn't change her services, then it doesn't matter what "grade" she's in. For example, for a child like my daughter Angela (13 with Down syndrome) we held her back and had her repeat first grade. Now that she's in middle school, she is only in a few classes outside of the special ed program. (art, phy ed. etc) all her academic stuff is in the special ed. room. But, if she was in 10th grade or 4th wouldn't matter, because she'd still be doing the work she's able to do AT THAT TIME. We're at the point where we may bump her back up to where she's supposed to be, because she's old for an 8th grader. The REASON for bumping her up is the transition services at the end of high school! Right now she'd only get one year of transition services. But if we bumped her up she'd get 2 years of those very beneficial programs, and STILL be working on her core skills of reading and writing. I don't know what kind of transition services are available for Sveta, but if they offer good adult transition programs, it might be beneficial to move her up. The district is only required to provide services up to age 21. (some districts, if you're lucky, will go THROUGH age 21) So if it were me, I'd find out what services are available for her after graduation. If she can benefit from them, I would weigh your options and determine if moving her up would allow her more time to access them.
these decisions are so tough.
you are an amazing mom... God will show you.
blessings!
leave them where they are. my children were not adopted. i felt they were a little behind in maturity so they repeated 5 year old kindergarten. both graduated with honors at 19 1/2 years old and to day one is a pharmacist and one is a graduate of emory university. sometimes you must take a step back with children before they can go forward. just my opinion.
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