Praise the Lord for that. Because the last thing I want to do is to help a family move forward with finding a new family for their child if they are not 110% certain that they are ready to do so. In the last six months, I have seen two families change their minds and take the child they disrupted back into their home. That was heart breaking to see not to mention the fact that I got very upset thinking about how the child and new family must feel.
Choosing to disrupt your adopted child in order to give them a fresh start with a new family that will provide what you are unable to is one situation where I can see the selflessness in the disrupting family that others don't always see (like loving someone enough to let them go in order for them to be happy)---- but seeing the disrupting family change their mind and turn that child's life upside down yet again is incredibly cruel in my opinion-- not to mention selfish.
If you decide to disrupt and your child becomes someone else's child (maybe not legally but in their hearts and minds) then you should not change your mind later. Sure, you might regret your decision, but what is done is done and you should allow your child and that new family to move forward with their new lives.
Just stop and think about it. What will the child think? How would they feel?How will they ever be made to feel secure in your home again? Not to mention that they will feel like they are being abandoned by their new family--- like they are the ones sending them back. The thought really just breaks my heart actually.
I've said it once and I'll say it again-- disruption is not an easy decision. It is not the easy way out for adoptive parents who have to live with this decision for the rest of their lives.
With that said--- it is one decision that I think that once you make it--- you should stick to it once you have your child placed.
That is why I really push for families to verbalize that they are 110% DONE. If there is one teeny tiny part of you that is hopeful that things will get better or wants to try something new then do not disrupt. Just like it only takes a teeny-tiny mustard seed to plant a person's faith, it only takes a teeny-tiny decision to keep trying to change things around for the better.
Believe me, I have been blessed to see this happen over and over and over. For every three families that contact me about disrupting, two of them manage to change things around because they had just enough oomph to try one more time.
Sometimes that oomph comes from deep inside your gut and goes against every single rational thought out there. But it has happened and I have seen it.
For those that are struggling today-- I encourage you to try one more time. Reach out and find someone to encourage you, support you, and just hear you out. Sometimes that is all that you need.
Big big hugs today. Don't think about tomorrow's troubles---- today has enough of their own. Take one day at a time with your children and be thankful when you lay your head down on your pillow that you have gotten through today.
*** 15 year old boy has a respite family and 12 year old girl has two very interested families.
13 inspiring thoughts:
I totally agree with you, Christine!
I find it heartbreaking to think about these children that have to move from one home to another. I imagine that decision must be so difficult for the family. I'm glad that you can be a sounding board for them, as well as a source of motivation.
May God continue to bless you with wisdom and the families you help!
what kind of advice, reading tips, etc can you offer so that we will be prepared as best as possible for once our little ones are home to prevent disruption?
really, truly Christine you are such a gift to me. Sometimes I could almost swear that you write these things JUST TO ME! I am not at the place yet with my little russian but not a day goes by I dont think about it consider it. but I keep plugging along. and some days it works and other days it fails miserably. you are a gift to so many.
Christine -
Thanks for addressing "the other side" of disruption. The side of the accepting family. There is quite a lot riding on all of the hard decissions, none of it is easy. I do feel for the family giving up a child. But for that family who is catching that child, willing to go in with their whole heart, time, love, etc. it can be devistation to loose that child because someone once again has a change of heart. As a mother who is stepping out of the ashes of loving a very special child for 7 months only to loose him because of, well...I don't even know really. Just a change of heart, a whim, a "feeling"...I will never know. But I don't regret one minute of it, to love him was a blessing. My heart breaks for the confusion that he must feel and the fact that no matter how much I loved him I could do nothing to change what was happening.
We adopted through a disruption before this and it has been nothing but wonderful. Every part of it continues to blow my mind. She is wonderful and has added so much to our lives. This last time was hard, really hard. But God is good and this did not suprise Him. There were lessons learned for sure.
This all being said to add a firm "REALLY make sure!" to Christine's thoughts.
And Christine - THANK YOU!!!!
You will never know the impact your love for these children has had on our family.
Blessings my friend.
You might not want to unscreen this comment, because it's totally full of frustration.
Right now I'm very frustrated with the disrupting family of P. We found out that they are purposefully delaying paperwork so they can complete another adoption from the same place where P and his sisters were adopted from. (no parent who disrupts can adopt again from that country) And in the mean time, as they still have paper rights, his previous dad is trying to control my family's life with demands "that would benefit P".
I always said that I never wanted to adopt from a disruption, particularly because of these things, and I doubt that my partner will ever decide to do it again. I just wish P's previous family would stop sending him daily emails, and would stop wanting to talk to him on the phone every couple of days. I wish they let him settle in, let him experience some permanency with us. Argh, it's so very very very frustrating.
Have you ever disrupted an adoption placement yourself personally? Just wondering.
I am so sorry Hevel for your experience. I really can relate.
Washer Mom Val, no we have never disrupted an adoption.
COMPLETELY agree! It's just so hard for the children and to complicate it with back & forth just isn't fair :(
Very well said. The best interest of the child must always come first. Thanks for sharing.
Wow Christine, thank you. I have no children and at this point may never (NOT my choice), but within recent turmoil in my family the other "D" word has gotten raised. I've agreed to give it another shot, but mostly just been feeling numb and resigned instead of hopeful. So I really needed to hear this:
"If there is one teeny tiny part of you that is hopeful that things will get better or wants to try something new then do not disrupt. Just like it only takes a teeny-tiny mustard seed to plant a person's faith, it only takes a teeny-tiny decision to keep trying to change things around for the better."
At this point I have NOTHING left, but God does. He has brought me here and He will not abandon me.
Thank you for your encouragement today.
Posting anonymously on this one,
A sister in Christ
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