It is one of those nights when I know I should be trying to get some sleep.... yet I can't. In only five short hours, I need to get Dennis and myself up so that I can make sure we are at Children's Hospital by 5:30 in the morning. Tomorrow is another big day for him---- surgery is scheduled at 7:30. Ah, and so you now know precisely the reason why I can't sleep.
And so I will write about what has been heart.
Yesterday Annalyn and I attended a memorial service for a lovely woman who attended our church. Actually, we didn't know her very well, but Adam was asked to play bass for all 17 songs and so we went to show our support for not only the family but for our son too, who at just fourteen seems pretty amazing to me to be willing to put in so much time so that the service would be as beautiful as the woman's life it was celebrating.
Almost immediately I began to cry as the song, "It is Well" played during a video montage. I am a little ashamed to admit that I was thinking of my Father, not so much her. I just didn't know her well enough to be consumed with a sense of loss like I still feel for my Dad---- and it just came pouring out--- pretty much unable to be contained.
I thought her service was beautiful, and I left feeling in better spirits than I expected. It is without a doubt that she is dancing with Jesus--- and she is no longer in pain-- Hallelujah! What impacted me most was how so many people characterized her as one who proclaimed her love for Jesus. What an amazing gift for her to leave to her children-- at least I think so.
Since my Father passed away, it has been a high priority to talk more to my kids about God's unconditional love and grace that He has for all of us. I want my kids to have peace when I pass away and have no doubt about how much I love Jesus. And I have let them know that the most precious gift of all would be for each of them to walk a Christian life so that we can all be together again someday. Death is a temporary separation---- yet we will spend eternity with Jesus in heaven. I pray we all choose this path.
Another thing I talked to my older kids about was how I would like to be buried. Up until now, I was adamant about wanting to be cremated because it would involve the least amount of planning and I know it would be the least expensive. As I rationalized this, I failed to think about what my own kids might want. It wasn't until this memorial service that I realized that once I am gone--- everything done after my death is to comfort those that are still living-- and only those. And maybe it would bring my children comfort to see my body, and pick out my casket, and find just the right clothes, and be able to say goodbye to me with a kiss on my cheek. I know it comforted me to be able to squeeze his hand, rub his forehead, kiss his cheek, and ultimately bury my Dad.
If you would have attended my Dad's funeral I am sure you would have thought it was very nice. In my grief I couldn't really appreciate it then, but looking back, the way he was buried brought me peace and closure---- and I so want that for everyone who I leave behind.... especially my husband and children. What was very special about my Dad's funeral was that it felt like he was there because his body was there. I know his spirit was gone, but it still brought me comfort to see him. Come time we buried him, I actually watched him be lowered into the ground and then I watched his grave be filled with dirt. Not only did I throw a few handfuls of dirt, but I watched my sons shovel dirt to bury their Grandpa. Yes it was very sad, but at the same time it was so profound to see my children pay respect to my Father by laying him to rest. As we walked away, I had peace knowing that my Dad's burial was complete. It brought me comfort. As it should.
And so now, I have changed my mind about how I want to be buried. I would like my kids to do whatever will bring them comfort. Who knows what that will be when the time comes.
But honestly, I pray that it is God's will that we will first get to all grow old together and watch our family multiply through marriages and lots of grandchildren!
P.S. Dad, I miss you.
24 inspiring thoughts:
Interesting posts you have, though I think Christianity is dead and will be redeemed and brought to fruition and perfection through Thelema. Check out my blog at http://christianityisdead.wordpress.com/ if you will. Love is the law, love under will. ;)
Your post brought to mind a family from the school I work at. They lost their 8th grader to suicide a week ago today. I was hoping your family and readers would be willing to pray for them. Thank You!
Christine, I grieve with you for the loss of your dad. May you find peace and comfort in the days ahead.
It was comfort for me to see Livvy in her coffin and to hold her hand once more. She was cremated but burying her ashes brought me some peace.I think its a personal thing what is nice for one may not be for another. May God bless you with a long and full life, but yes i hope when my turn comes my children know that i am joining Livvy safe with Jesus xxx
Good luck for today x
hugs.......
Hi Christine,
I've been a stalker on your blog for quite a while now - reading whenever I find the time...
Just want to tell you that I admire you and think you are a most AMAZING person, wife and mom!!!!
Wishing you a wonderful day and may the love of God enfold you and his joy fill your heart as you serve HIM in serving his precious little ones!
God bless you, Christine, with all that's on your heart right now. Praying for your little guy. Moved about your dad--the loss of parents could happen at any time, but it's so hard to think about.
I'll be thinking of you and Dennis today at the hospital while he has his surgery. It's completely normal that you can't sleep with his surgery today.
Very thought provoking, Christine! Thanks for posting.
Thinking of you today and know how it feels to be in the waiting room and then trying to comfort a child who is in pain through no fault of his/her own. I will be there again in just a couple of weeks.
((( Christine)))
I am still thinking of and praying for you.
Your Dad's passing was the push I needed to go and see my Dad. I had not seen him in 6 years and had not spent more than an hour with him in over 15 years.
Last week I flew up and surprised him at my brother's house for New Year's. I will never forget the look on his face or the way he cried.
I had told him many times I had forgiven him but I think I finally showed him I have forgiven him..
It was a blessing for us both and a very healing time. I know I wouldn't have had the courage to leave my hubby and children for a few days to see him if not for the thoughts of eternity that you have spoken of.
Thank you for sharing your heart.
Oh, of course we will be praying for Dennis!
I think it is not so much the casket versus cremation as it is the title of your post: Whatever Gives Them Comfort.
On one level I would have thought that a traditional funeral, with the body in a casket would have meant more to me, when my brother, and then a few years later, my father died, they were cremated and while that in itself wasn't a "comfort" there was much comfort to be had. I do think I also experienced some relief that I DIDN'T have to face their lifeless bodies. In fact, I could concentrate so wholly on both of them being SPIRIT and the promise of seeing them in their living, perfected bodies in Heaven. And the last memories of hugging them, and holding them close. (And, now I think of it - how glad I am that those hugs were the last time I touched either of them - even though there was no idea it would be the last time.)
What gave me comfort was tradition. We buried their ashes in Iowa, in the family plot in the little cemetery out in the country. We didn't have lots of people there who came with the idea that "oh, I have to go to a funeral today" (as we do, when we worked with someone whose mother passes away, or father in law, or someone we might have only known by sight in some organization we're in). No one was there who didn't care deeply, who wasn't fully engaged. And, when, having read the obituary in that little town's local paper, a few old HS classmates showed up at my dad's funeral - I cannot begin to say how touching that was!
I think your discussion of these things, and the open way you let your children see your grieving process is good....but I think God will lead them to deal with their losses in unique ways. One thing I've realized as I've gone through life is how really gracious and merciful God is when we suffer - He gives such unexpected gifts....as this experience was for you.
Christine, I am praying for sweet little Dennis, too. And for you, it is so difficult to lose a parent. Death is part of life, and it is so good to impart that to our children, to be natural about it. My mother always said she wanted to be cremated, but when it was getting her time, she said she thought it would be to hard for my dad, so we could do what we wanted. I also experienced much healing in the selection of clothes for her, and seeing her there in the casket for the last time. It is such a sad thing, but the arrangements ARE for the survivors.
I never thought of it that way, wow, I'll have to ask my kids what they think, great points! Good luck on your little ones surgery, I'll keep everyone in my prayers! Trish
Christine,
I too think that what we plan for our burial, is actually FOR our family.
My father was buried, and my father in law was cremated. I am so glad I was with my father in law when he died. I was able to hold his hand as he slipped into eternity.
It was odd for me, to be at the funeral service, with no body.
No casket....
I need the tangible grave.....
That is just me.
I don't know what my older kids feel about this, but those times are coming to ask them.
I know inlaws who say, just cremate me.... but I'm not so sure that my kids want that.
Blessings to you and Dennis on this very important day!
Today marks the 5 year anniversary of my own mother's death. She was cremated according to her wishes. We still had a beautiful memorial service. Instead of picking out clothes, I picked out an urn. My last kiss for her was when she was still warm. While some of her ashes were sprinkled, some of them were buried in a normal burial plot (my dad's wishes) so we can still go visit her "grave." I agree with you though: it really is whatever brings comfort. And that is so different for everyone. Blessings to you and your family!
Praying for you tonight. I am so sorry for your loss of your father.
I liked your thoughtful post. I too have always said I wanted to be cremated, but your words make me realize as well how much the times I lost a grandparent it meant for me to see and grieve over their body and watch their casket be lowered and bring flowers to their grave. Very well said.
My thoughts and prayers are with you both for strength regarding Dennis' surgery, but also about the grief at the loss of your father.
Christine, Grief happens like that sometimes. Right out of no where, boom! You may have expected it a bit, it being a funeral and all, but the depth of it sounds like it surprised you. That's all part of the griving and healing process. I'm so glad that you are able to heal this way, it is how God intended. He does not want us to bury it and hide it, He does not want us to wallow in it. We are to grieve for a season. I truly believe you are helping your children heal as well, by your openness with your own grief and your honesty.
All of my grandparents have been cremated, but we still had a wake and funeral service with an open casket. So, we still got to pick their clothes, a casket, see them, touch them etc., but they were cremated after. They also were buried in a plot. My husband and I intend to do the same thing. I even have my music picked out.
I am, and will be, praying for Dennis and all of you.
My parents made made the choice to be cremated and mom very matter of factly told the funeral director of that wish when my father died. but I think you are right, the funeral is for those who are left behind and that choice should be left partly to them. It is those left who have to find closure.
My heart is with you as you grieve your dad's passing. My father's ashes have yet to be buried because although cremation was decided, apparently burial was not. I think sometime in the spring my sisters and I will need to make that decision.
I totally agree with you, Christine. I quick looked through all your comments to see if one of my sisters said anything. Thanks, Martha. I really feel the same way. I'm still bothered that my brother was cremated and ashes disposed of and no grave marker or anything.
I just had a similar experienced and wrote a post about it, too. I agree with your post completely- it really is for them, and whatever they feel helps/brings comfort.
Christine,
First I want to say how sorry I am for not offering my condolences when your dad passed away. I was very sad for you. I did the thing that some of us do in times of sorrow, I didn't do enough, I tried not to think of it..I have thought of you and your family a lot, knowing how close you are, and it has bothered me that I never acted like a big girl and shared my sadness with you. I know this has been rough on you and your whole crew. I am late on this, but it has been there the whole time, I have just been too removed from it to actually share.
Funny, I feel like you are an IRL friend and I would never have done that to someone I see everyday. But this post made me realize that I should step up and tell you, I am sorry for your loss. And I know it was more than that. I am praying for peace for your heart.
Best to you and yours,
julianne
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