Sometimes I Wish.....

Sometimes I wish we didn't have so many clothes to chose from. Then maybe my kids would be happy just to have clothes instead of fussing over them.

Sometimes I wish we didn't have so much food at our disposal. Then maybe we would all be a little more thankful for what we do eat.

Sometimes I wish we didn't have television, video games, or the Internet. Then we would focus more on each other, being in the Word, reading, and playing board games.

Sometimes I wish we didn't live in such a big house. Then we would all spend less time cleaning it and working to pay it off, and we'd spend a little more time focusing on relationships that are all around us.

Sometimes I wish we didn't have email. Then maybe I would pick up the phone more often so that I could hear my friends' voices on the other end.

Sometimes I wish that I didn't have so many choices in this world. Then I wouldn't be constantly thinking of all the cool and better things in life that promise to make my life "new and improved".
Sometimes I wish that I could snap my fingers and be in a place where I have nothing but my husband, my children, and God. Where I have very little material things except just enough-- so that I could not only desire to totally rely on God but actually depend on Him because I have nothing else to distract me.

I know that very few people can understand my feelings... it wasn't until recently that I finally understood it myself. And then one day recently it became totally apparent to me what I am trying to say. Simply put, I desire to be so preoccupied with God that my conversation, my home life, and my outward activities are 100% evident that He is at the center of my life. Without Him, I am weak and I struggle with daily sins, like jealousy--- where I want want want---- to be nicer, more energetic, thinner, funnier, smarter..... and then I think not so nice thoughts....... and I end up making poor choices------but at the end of it all is a loving and graceful God that, like a wave washing up on the beach, He keeps bathing me, but not just in grace and forgiveness, but in his POWER-- and I so want to be consumed by that--- by Him.

There are desires in my heart now that were not there before. Eventhough I may be up to my eyeballs in laundry, in errands, in the kids' homework, in grocery shopping, in raising kids----- all of which I desire---my choices, my life----I still dream of doing so much more!!! There are things I still dream of doing and not because I have to, but because I want to. And not because I don't feel content with my life -- it's just that I still can't imagine saying that I am possibly doing all that I was created to do.

Sometimes I wish I were involved with the local Right to Life organization. I have a heart to bring women in prison, hope, salvation, and the Bread of Life through bible studies and testimonies. It would be a wonderful thing to "adopt" a local convalescent home and visit the elderly once a week-- bring them cookies, have my children play the piano, just talk to them.... hug them. Every time I see a big white ARC van, I imagine myself driving one and caring for disabled adults. Caring for fragile infants that are born into the foster care system no longer scares me. Maybe I don't even feel John and I are done growing our family? And oh how I sometimes especially wish that I could open up a home where families can place their children for respite to hopefully avoid disruption-- schooling them and providing a therapeutic place for them to heal-- the whole kit 'n' kaboodle.

All of these things are heavy on my heart---- because I see that there is a need. I know that it is not my burden, but yet I can't control what God has laid upon my heart. Does it mean I love my children less... my family less? NO! Does it mean that I am trying to fill some void in my life? NO! Does it mean that I am trying to prove something? NO! Does it mean that I am trying to save the world? NO! Does it mean that I am not content? NO!

I am a wife and mother and my priorities here on earth lie with them first of course, but I also know that when I am called, or when we, as a family, are called, to do more than what we are currently doing, God's amazing power will be enough. It always has been and will be.

Sometimes I wish that He didn't just sustain me--but consumed me! One day I gotta stop wishing and start doing.