Just a few days ago, we had a big scare in our neighborhood. Two little girls just a few houses down from us did not make it home from school..... in fact, they did not even make it to the bus.
Police came to our door to talk to the kids, and immediately we started praying for these two children to be found. These two little girls that my kids walk to and from the bus stop with had been missing for over 6 hours before they were finally found. They had been picked up by a babysitter. Thank God that things turned out the way they did--- but it certainly made an impact on our family.
Fast forward to yesterday, and I find out on the drive home from picking up the kids from school that William is plotting to get lost like those girls--- on purpose-- because it would be cool. It would be neat to run away, it would be cool to go missing, it would be awesome to have police out looking for him.
When I heard this, my blood immediately boiled. Was I surprised? Not really.
Was William serious? I believe so.
Would normal talking to be enough to address this absolutely stupid idea? No------ this is not normal. Is this a cry for attention? Maybe------ but things like this have been going on for years, since he was very young. Should I have just ignored this? Absolutely not---- or he very well may have impulsively acted out on it and then regretted it minutes later.
So, my bright idea was to keep on driving past our home. "So William, where would you like me to drop you off so you can play lost? In the country or down by the freeway where the homeless drifters hang out?"
Immediately-- game over. The expression on his face quickly changed.
"Neither," he quietly mumbled.
"No, come on, Will. I want my kids to be happy. And I know you won't be happy until you go missing and have some creepy guy steal you for real so that the police have to look for you for days... maybe forever. Isn't that what you want?"
It didn't take me driving very far to have him change his tune. I reminded him how much we all love him and how ideas like this are very scary to all of us. I told him that I can't live day to day wondering if he is really going to go missing one day because he thinks it would be a cool thing to do.
Now of course, I would never do anything like that, but sometimes doing things like this are the only way to get through to a child like William. Later, when I talked to him more, I found out that he had only thought of the police looking all over for him in police cars and helicopters and how cool that would be. His plan was to go hide out at a park until police found him--- that's all.
Still stupid, if you ask me.
Deep breath, Christine. Deep breath.
I can't imagine this being normal. I can't shrug this off as him being just a boy. I have loved this child from the moment he was born and I held him in my arms and nursed him. I am at a loss as to what to do. I think I need to spend a lot more time on my knees.
I thank God his siblings are on to him and look out for him like they do.
30 inspiring thoughts:
Christine, I have a child like this too. He keeps me on my toes, and always has me questioning "is this normal", and more often than not, I find myself saying "no, it isn't". I don't have answers for you, but I will pray for you. I think you are a great mom, and your impromptu drop off speech was brilliant.
My Steven the other day was testing the wall heaters in our house (most are disconnected for safety reasons), but one is not (it's in the bathroom). He wanted to see why he wasn't allowed to play with them, to see if it "really would catch on fire". Guess what? Smoke = fire. Thankfully my 5 year old came running down to tell on my 9 year old just in time for me to prevent anything major happening.
So, I am right there with you friend.
I had a child go missing one Sunday morning years ago. Not funny, not smart. I told him the next time we would NOT be coming to look for him and thankfully he never tried it again.
That must have been really scary for you. I'm glad he doesn't think it would be a good idea any more.
It sounds like he might just be interested in the Police, like he was about fire. The Police and Fire stations here sometimes have open days. Maybe there's one near you he could visit, to learn more about what they do.
I have to admit he has a point though. If you forget that your family love you and would be very worried and you that might go missing forever then being found by a helicopter or Police dog really Would be cool!
Don't forget that kids on the Autism Spectrum, which includes Aspergers, which I believe you have stated William has, lack something called Theory of Mind. They only see things from their own perspective, and don't understand that other people don't automatically share that point of view. I think you did a great job of showing him the scenario from a different perspective, and in even helping him to change his own perspective! But rest assured, I think what he did was very "normal" for a kid on the "spectrum!"
I am so glad that you were able to stop William before he did something (potentially) dangerous.
Blessings to you every day.
Peace.
Just curious if you think he has the cause and effect thinking bit down? I'm a college student (social welfare) and it seems he doesn't realize the ramifications. Like if I am missing everyone is sad. Have you tried talkign to him, in all seriousness like a three year old? "When you say those words..(or when you do this ...or when you argue with your sister) it makes me sad (angry/hurt/frustrated/worried) whatever. Just curious what approaches you have tried. We are currently working with neuro pathways and how a child who misses some connections can end up missing so many other developmental cues. (but you can make up for this)
* A BSW student ;)
Christine: Curtis has ideas like that a lot or along the same lines. I can relate. thank you for being honest here. I always pray for everyone of your kids! Especially William. I don't have answers either because to be honest, I am not quite sure how to handle his behavior like that. We do have a therapist on board because we are out of ideas and not sure what to do anymore. It also breaks my heart as I am sure it does yours, too. I love you and hang in there!
Great reaction you had. I hope you scared the you know what out of him (and others that might be contemplating it).
As you wrote that he does at times have behavior that is not what you would always consider normal, have you thought of seeing a child psychologist with William (By you, I mean both you and John)? Living wondering what he will think up next must be like being on the edge. I firmly believe in seeing specialists when needed.
you had a great idea though, I wouldnt have thought of that.
Christine, I am not fully aware of William's challenges although I have noticed posts around sensory issues. I am a psychiatrist, though not a child psychiatrist. First off, while this may not be typical behaviour (and given you have 12 you must have a fairly good idea of typical) it is not abnormal. It is a child who has not learned to think beyond a concrete manner. Whether or not most kids can at his age, William cannot. He has difficulty foreseeing consequences, in understanding how another person may view his actions. This can be termed "theory of mind." It is understanding that another person has a different set of thoughts, beliefs, feelings etc than do you. Children by nature do not have this develop until 4, 5, 6 as a starting point and it continues to mature and evolve. William may have difficulties in this area.
The wikipedia explains it reasonably.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theory_of_mind
In terms of William, the main usefulness of a label is to get services. If you need a label, push for one. Otherwise, the label does not change the deficits and approaches. Start by really trying to sort out what makes WIlliam different. List it over a few weeks as you think about it and come up with instances that demonstrate your concerns. From there you can prioritize the issues and choose one or two at a time to focus therapeutic interventions. For the sensory stuff, a good Occupational Therapist is gold. Make sure if you look for therapists that they are qualified and licensed. Be wary of people who hang out a shingle and purport to have qualifications. There are many forms of training, just make sure it is not a 3 month correspondence course. Much like Sveta, William's learning needs, structure, etc are likely to be quite different from his siblings. He may be somewhat south of average but still normal. Outliers is what makes average after all. But, that must have been a scary episode for you and you handled it in a way which seemed to meet his developmental needs.
Ellen
I have a child much like William too. She has lots of sensory issues, low frustration tolerance, social immaturity, etc. But does not have an autism dx. Does have an ADHD dx and sometimes I have myself questioning if she has ODD. But anyways. She was fasinated with the idea of running away. Thought all her problems would be solved if she did. I think she's close in age to Willian too ( 3rd grade...almost 8). Anyways I did something sort of like what you did. Except I was helping her plan to run away (sorta). I walked her through everything she would need and why she would need it, like " pack lots of blankets because the ground is hard and it will get cold and oh what if one of the blankets get dirty? And pack a flashlight and extra batteries because you are afraid of the dark and when all the batteries die, oh what will you do?! And we went on and on like that for an hour. Eventually all the things he needed weighed like a hundred pounds and she couldn't carry it all :). And she decided that it would be better to just stay home. She occassionally yells " I'm going to just run away!" when she's mad, but that I am chalking up as being a girl thing. Because I KNOW I yelled that my fair share when I was a kid :)
I too have " a William", but his name is Joey.
The impulsiveness is mind boggling sometimes. It leaves me shaking my head in wonder/confusion. Usually praising God that no one was hurt, or at least not seriously!
I don't have any answers, other than trying to stay one step ahead of them, which is difficult d/t the way their minds work.
Praying for all our children that have "unusual" thinking.
Oh Christine. I have nothing to share, other than to tell you I am praying for you and William and to thank you for keeping it real.
One thing that impresses me so as I follow your blog is how you really seem to see into each of your child's psyches.
I know how much you love your boy, and how hard it is as a parent sometimes.
Take care,
Sara P.
You handled that perfectly. Just like the fire pit solution. It would be good if William could learn to always translate his "Why don't I?" actions into "What if?" questions. You'd have to answer a ton of ramdom and scary questions, but he seems to 'get it' when his curiousity is satisfied in a way that he understands.
I'm really not saying this to be mean, maybe spend some more time with him on his own? I'm 27 and have autistic spectrum disorder, when I was a kid I wanted to do the same thing because I wanted attention. It never occured to me the feelings that would be hurt because they didn't figure on my horizon! I once ran away and climbed up a tree.....but because it was night time no one noticed I had gone and I got cold and came home! Haha! I was from a large family....and the only girl, and the only one with ASD so I thought the whole world was against me and no one loved me and maybe going missing would show them. But because of my ASD I didn't like to go out of my comfort zone...hance going up a tree in my back garden! I think you did the right thing. I do feel for him though, its tough being a kid nowadays at the best of times, but when the world around youy doesn't make a lot of sense it can be doubly hard.
I have 2 sons like that, one thinks it is cool to run away and did that a week ago, we could not find him for an our (he has pdd-nos) and the other one thinks it would be cool to brak an arm or leg and lets himself fall, hoping he will break something (it did not happen yet) he has adhd.
I do'nt know what else you can do about it, than talk talk talk and try to explain your emotions and pray that God will protect him.
hearing something like that coming from your child's mouth can be scary, for sure. i think it's quite normal, though. children don't understand... they think it'd be a fun adventure. i remember telling that to my parents when i was a kid. i just didn't understand (i had a very happy, safe childhood and maybe i had thought that nothing bad could happen to me anyway, that the police and my parents would find me, or that i'd come back home then...)... the thought was just exciting. when i saw how serious they were, it made me get that it's not funny, or that it'd be real, not like an adventure movie.
Sounds like you handled that one well. I hope he keeps out of trouble! What wonderful siblings to know when to let mum know that things are not right.
I have a younger brother who hid in the top of the tallest pine tree in our back yard when he was four. He was perched up there watching everyone look all over the neighborhood for him. He has always been a handful, still is. And one time I decided I was going to run away. I'll never forget it. I announced it, and my mother just told me it was a good idea, and she helped me pack up my doll carriage, then she actually brought me next door and asked the neighbor if I could live with her since I was running away. I changed my mind pretty quickly.
Seriously though, God is giving you much wisdom in life, Christine. Whether this is "normal" or not, I don't know. But what is normal? You are in the right place though, on your knees! That is where we all belong!
Bravo Christine! That was an awesome idea! I'll try to remember it if ever one of my kids gets that crazy thought in their head!
~Amy in WI
I completely understand where you're coming from AND what you did. It is hard to respond to each child in the way that they can understand and receive it. I think it's wonderful that you know the best ways to reach William--or at least are willing to keep trying until you find them!
No, I don't think it's normal either. But I think you handled it well. It seems his brain may be wired a little differently and he only sees one aspect of any story. Hopefully, seeing the other side is something that can be learned with lots and lots of practice. I'm no expert, though. There's never a dull moment, is there?
Been there...Alex laid under a shed on a preschool property so he could watch us all look for him. Pretty interesting until the sheriff drove up. He sure didn't want to speak to the officer about why. He let us look for him for a very long hour...I have the gray hair to prove it! After that, I told him I would not be looking for him. That if a bad guy or gal came upon him, I just hoped he would be able to remember how to get home when he was so scared. From then on, when he ran away, it was to corners on our property (3 acres) and usually related to being in trouble and avoiding the consequence (not that it worked....ever).
I think your comments to him were just spot on! Just like getting him the fire pit...though I would casually go out of my way to drive by some scary locations on an errand run with him or two.
I think you did an awesome job of letting William know what consequences what he was thinking of doing would have. Fortunately you found out before he could really do it...what a nightmare for mama!
Christine, This post reminded me that in first grade, my next door neighbor and I got on the wrong school bus. After the driver had made all the stops, we were still on the bus! It created so much attention for us that we did the same thing ON PURPOSE the next day. Kids!!!! My mother still talks about how upset it made her when the bus arrived at my house and I wasn't on it. BTW, I'm 59 years old! First grade was a LONG TIME ago.
Hugs,
JEB
How totally scary this must have been. What it made me think of is Praise the Lord you are a mother who is "in tune" with your kids!!! What if you wouldn't have addressed it or something and it turned into a horrible situation. As mothers we really have to KNOW our children! You are a good mom!!! Keep it up and keep praying!
Christine,
There are many things you write about William that remind me of my oldest son. He's 9 1/2, and has always been ... delightful, bright, and challenging. I have a book I'm reading just now called 'Disconnected Kids' (written by Dr Robert Melillo) - no I don't know the author, I can't say that what he's suggesting is right or wrong. But I have a feeling that you would read this as I am, saying to myself 'uh-huh, this sounds familiar', and 'nooo, this isn't really him.' You know your son well as I know mine - and something about mine is challenging. It's like there's a delightful, super smart, really nice boy inside, and he's struggling against ... something?? We know he has some allergies, as well as some 'sensitivities', and some sensory integration challenges. This book suggests (I guess - I'm not to the end yet) a plan for working with sensory, food, behavior in a specific plan, and I'm obviously hoping to give my son a happier world to live in if I can apply this 'therapy' and help him out. Some food for your thoughts. You're a great mom!
William needs to learn perspective taking or theory of mind. You challenged his thinking in a direct reality based way that can be quite effective- at least for him to better understand THAT social scenario. You can also help him "map" visually how decisions or behaviors affect himself and other people. So you can create a diagram that includes himself and people in his world and note their response (William is happy with attention, mom is scared to death, police are angry for wasting time, etc). Visual images are very helpful for ASD kids. With time he should be able to create his own maps and then internalize them in his social thinking.
Oh Goodness. Glad the girls are safe and William, too. It sounds like technique is straight out of Love and Logic.
While I think it needs to be addressed, to a degree it may be normal. I did do something like that at age three or four. I broke a bunch of rules and got on my mom's nerves, so she sent me to the backyard so we could both cool down. While she was on the telephone I sneaked inside and, if I'm recalling correctly, hid in my closet. I hoped that she would find that I wasn't outside and freak out. I thought "I'll show her!" She went outside to get me and, needless to say, did freak out when I wasn't there. She knew me well enough, though, to have a good idea of what happened. Nonetheless, I heard her looking for me and heard her crying and came running out. It was a spur-of-the-moment thought, and a spur-of-the-moment action that I hadn't thought through, and once I did think about the consequences, I immediately felt awful. My mom made certain that I thought it through long-and-hard, too, on top of getting a good spanking (which, for those of you who may think badly of my mother for it, I am very grateful for. She never acted in anger or haste, only in love. If you knew what a conniving, strong-willed child I was, you'd know it was about the only thing separating my life from death!)
I think your response was right-on, and, God willing, will be effective. It seems to be a problem that he doesn't take the time to think about the consequences before he acts. Once he learns to do that, I think it will help this. Of course, you know I'm just a teenager, so I take no claim to correctness!
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