Before we adopted, I had no problem leaving my children with a sitter (grandmotherly lady that we knew from church) once a month to run errands and take one of the kids to the doctors-- or yes, I even got an occasional sitter to watch the kids so that I could go out to lunch with a friend. I felt okay doing this. I didn't make myself feel guilty about doing it either. It's not like I did it on a regular basis. Besides, it was nice to run around doing errands without kids in tow-- and things that would normally take 2 hours took only thirty minutes. Yes, it was nice to not have to stop to change a poopy diaper in the middle of running errands.
But...... once we adopted, something changed. I stopped getting sitters. I stopped going places without my children unless John was home to be with them. For some reason I felt that since I was going through what some would look at as extremes to make my family bigger, than I should not be paying someone else to watch them once they were home.
I know, I know that is ridiculous to think, but honestly I have felt that way inside and so for the last 4 years I have went to parent-teacher conferences, doctor appointments, birthday shopping, grocery shopping, errand running, and everywhere in between with my children. Sure, John has come home early on days that I am up at Children's and can't be home in time for when the other kids come home from school, and I have had my older ones stay with the younger kids for an hour here and there, and we have been blessed enough to have family and friends occasionally watch the kids, but for everyday life, I always have the kids with me. Always.
And since I am being honest here--- I think it is time for me to look for someone that I can trust who can stay with the Alex and Dennis once in while so I can get things done while John is at work and the other kids are at school. Here it is Dennis' birthday in less than two weeks and everyday I start to drive to the store to buy his presents and then realize how silly it would be for me to be putting toys into the same cart that Dennis is riding in. I keep telling myself, "Christine, you really should just call up so and so from church and ask her to come for an hour or two to watch Dennis while he is napping and Alex is at school."
But doing that is so hard for me.
Why? Why is it so hard for me?
This is one thing that I don't think I can answer.
Maybe I still feel guilty doing so. Maybe I don't think anyone else could do as good of a job. Maybe I don't want get used to it and start doing it more than I need to.
Afterall, I have gotten through the last four years haven't I?
Yes, but I am realizing that maybe this isn't fair to the kids. Why should Dennis have to endure a boring day up at Children's Hospital next month when Alex begins his battery of tests and appointments? And vice-versa. I keep telling myself that I am going to find childcare for those times. And I have two months to do it. Until then, I keep going back and forth with picking up the phone and making that call. By doing so, I will have an easier day too--- so why can't I just bring myself to do it?
30 inspiring thoughts:
Christine, I will be praying for you during this time of trial. Isn't it difficult for all mothers to let go and let someone else help us, even letting go of an hour of our childrens time is difficult. How will that person understand their needs, what if he cries and misses me? I know that you've stated that you leave the children in childcare during church, maybe if you put together some activities it would be similar and therefore easier? Just know that I will be lifting you up in prayer.
Blessings,
Christi
Hard to say why. But I do believe that it is ok to get a sitter. All of our children are adopted. You have to for their sake and yours- at least when it is needed. I will pray for you in these decisions. Sometimes sounds simple enough, but I know what you mean.
You don't know me, but I found your blog through the Minichs. I have been following your life for several months now. I just wish I lived near you so that I could offer to come watch your prescious kids! It is definitely ok to get a sitter...I hope your mind can connect with that.
"For some reason I felt that since I was going through what some would look at as extremes to make my family bigger, than I should not be paying someone else to watch them once they were home."
---
I understand! I have never left Luke with anyone but grandparents, Riley, or my husband until this year. He is a challenge to take places, though so much better than last year! But last year I would go to town 3 days in a row just to make it to 3 places as Luke couldn't do more than one place at a time. This year we can make all 3 places usually... but I love that short break w/o him and he enjoys playing with a friend his own age! :)
It is weird, but like you said because you so purposefully "chose" a certain child you feel guilty saying "hey, I would so appreciate a little help here for a bit!".....
While I don't have a solution or an easy answer for you about how you can feel comfortable leaving the kids with others, I can simply say that you are not a bad mom if you get the occasional babysitter! Just because you intentionally have a large family doesn't mean that you can't ask for help every now and then. You have so much love for all your children, and it is evident in everything that you say and do. I don't think anyone would judge you if you if you get the occasional babysitter for those times when you need to focus on just one kid's needs (such as Alex or Dennis) or you have something that has to get done quickly and efficiently.
In fact, I've actually done babysitting for post-adoptive parents who either want to spend that time bonding with their newest child without their other children feeling left out or want childcare for their adopted child(ren) so that they can spend time doing one-on-one activities with their other child(ren) who may be feeling like they're not getting as much of their parent's attention now that they have a new sibling. I've done the exact same thing for parents who only have bio children and have recently had a baby.
If I were close by, I'd offer to help babysit for your amazing kids, but as it is I live all the way across the country :-P
I wonder if it has to do with the fact that you know what your adopted children have been through and maybe you don't want them to feel any more abandonment or hurt because you went somewhere without them? Just a thought. However, I would encourage getting out if you can. It is refreshing to the soul.
I am a firm believer in sitters - family or friends. I'd have lost my marbles many years ago if my mom hadn't had my daughter for many, many weekends. My girlfriends and I used to watch each other's children during the day so each other could go to the doctor's, out to lunch with a friend, ski or whatever.
It's good practice for when they go to school and don't have mom or dad there.
Find a good sitter and don't feel guilty. You do so, so much for your kids.
I can see in a way where you are coming from.. I have almost the same issues but with having foster kids here I don't get them babysat etc..
And if there is something I REALLY need to do that I cannot take the kids too and I know hubby cannot get off work.. I is a huge struggle to let them go to someone esl...
and I cannot tell you why I feel that way ??
hope you are able to find soem peace and I will be thinking of you..
Christine I can completely relate. Since moving away from family & friends I've always had the children with me as well & I find it very difficult to ask for anyone to babysit for me - partially because I'm only getting to know the people well enough now & partially because I think I've chosen to be here & don't want to burden someone else. I hope you find someone to leave them with - many people do love little children & are too afraid to ask to babysit.
You need to take care of you and your needs so your energy reservoir will be full to tend to your children's needs. A happy mommy makes a happy family. (I know, strange advice coming from a very unhappy for today mommy but trust me, I'm 50, I know these things.)
I think the point that another commenter made about how good it is for the kids to have other kid time is relevant. What about Mother's Day Out? Or, set up a trade off with someone from church so you can help each other.
Hugs.
It sounds like a great idea to me. Nothing to feel guilty about. Sensible even! Good luck with sorting your feelings out about using a babysitter, and about finding the perfect sitter.
I say make the call. I stay home with my kids and homeschool. There are days dragging 3 around while I do errands is a handful. Imagine when we get Hannah! However, I do think I have more to give to my kids when I have time by myself. The demands of the day are great and we need time to recharge. God will bring just the right person along to help you. You'll be so glad you did.
I have always been that way too.
It is hard to trust people with your "life".
I pray you can find the perfect person.
You definitely deserve a break from time to time.
Christine~ I have been sharing your same feelings! For me, it is that I feel that my children can have such extreme behavior (with FAS, etc...) that it seems that most people probably have never truly been around or would know how to deal with such things. So, it seems that it would just have to be a special person that could help us out every once in a while. I am praying that the Lord will bring that person across our path and I pray that God will do the same for you!
God Bless You!
Melanie
Christine~ I have been sharing your same feelings! For me, it is that I feel that my children can have such extreme behavior (with FAS, etc...) that it seems that most people probably have never truly been around or would know how to deal with such things. So, it seems that it would just have to be a special person that could help us out every once in a while. I am praying that the Lord will bring that person across our path and I pray that God will do the same for you!
God Bless You!
Melanie
Okay, sweetie! I really do think this is, without realizing it, a device Satan is using against you. GUILT is not of God. These kids are YOUR kids, adopted or not. And YOU are deserving of a little break now and then, even if it is only to do errands. I know that sometimes kids enjoy going along, but I also know that they love to stay at home and just PLAY...cuz that's what they do BEST...that and love you! :) And if they are with someone they know and love, and someone you trust, then what's better than that?
I will pray for you to come to the right decision for YOU and YOUR family. Because ultimately, it is what you are truly comfortable with. But I do think that we all need a little time to just 'be', BY OURSELVES. Without it, I would lose my everlovin' mind! :) And I only have ONE precious girl.
Hugs and love...Nancy in CT
You know you DO have family that now lives literally right around the corner from you. I can give you a copy of my schedule so you'll know when I'll be around. If you nd John just want a "date" night out just to have a few hours to yourself and maybe go have a nice dinner and maybe take in a movie (which there is nothing wrong with and nothing to feel guilty about), or if you need to run a few daytime errands for an hour or two, we can help you know.
I have the same issue. I never left my older ones with sitters, always worked opposite shift of my husband, or they were with one of our mothers for the overlap time. I've never had a sitter for my younger three adopted.
Part of it is because Bob and I are both home full time (retired/disabled) so I can leave them with Bob if I want/need to be alone. The 12yo has stayed weekends with my best friend and her family while we have gone away, but not the youngest two since we've had them home.
I guess part of it is I worry about what the children will feel when we are gone? Do they think we have abandoned them too? I homeschool, so they are ALWAYS with us. I'm also afraid other people won't know what they need/want since they are both nonverbal and delayed.
But I think the real issue is I'm a control freak. I really need to get over that. I've let go of almost every other part of my life, but the children's care and driving are my two "areas" ;o) (or at least the ones I am aware of, lol). God is working on me in these areas. I am planning on calling one of the ladies or teens from church, just so my dh and I can go on a date. Oh, I also have to put a disclaimer in, in case you think that my hubby and I never go on dates, we have two grown children that live near by, so they can watch the kids on occasion, but we don't like to "burden" them either.
All I can say is, I understand and I'll be praying for you.
My boys are 9 and 11, and they are easy! I have never had a sitter, I do have my Mom watch them when I am at work but out side her, myself and my husband I have nerver had a sitter. Not for any reason, so I understand how you feel. I will follow your other readers comments and get some advise too! Just wanted you to know you are not alone.
We've never had any family around to babysit, so we've always had to trust babysitters if we wanted time without children. While I have homeschooled for the past 19 years, and very rarely had daytime babysitters while my older kids were younger (now the olders can watch the youngers) ... my husband and I always planned at least 1 monthly date night and 1 weekend away every year. For the weekend away, we would often have to ask 5 or 6 friends to take 1 or 2 kids for the weekend. It was a LOT of work to put together, but very much worth the effort. Even with an extra-large family, our marriages MUST be our top priority.
Since your older kids are at school (and not around to help like my kids are), I would certainly encourage you to find the occasional babysitter. It's good for you, and it's good for the kids to be able to trust another adult, also.
Blessings,
mama of 13
It's hard isn't it?
Added into all your other reasons there's the fact that these children spent so long without you before you got to bring them home, you don't want to go another hour without them. And then there's the attatchment issues and payback time which can make it even harder. And any one of a hundred and fifty other reasons too.
I do think it's worth doing. Whether for 30 minutes or overnight, whatever is right for you. I think it's important to be able to know who you are when you aren't with children, and I think it's important for the children to know that you can go away and then come back again - practicing the going away and coming back is important I think.
The medical appointments - that one's a toughie. I do tend to take everyone to appointments but that's partly to do with not having sitters and partly because I can usually get the dr to take an unofficial look at the other child at the same time; always helpful! I think you're right though - why should one child be subjected to a boring day unnecessarily? Of course if the child in question is able to entertain the other child at times when you're sitting in waiting rooms then that may be a reason to take both... It's also nice though to have some 1:1 time with just one child.
I'm not helping am I? 27 more reasons for whichever course of action you choose to take!
Perhaps I mean - I understand your dilemma, I share it, and I think there's no wrong answer. If you decide to carry on keeping them with you then that's fine, if you decide to start leaving them that is fine too - just go with whatever works for you. And also, just because you do it once, it doesn't mean you have to do it again.
Tia
I know how you feel. We never went out anywhere for 7 years!!! Now, the kids go to parents night out at the YMCA once a month. The kids love it & we get to spend some time together as a couple. Honestly, we sometimes don't know what to do, we're so out of the routine of not carting the kids everywhere. It's so much easier when you get to run errands on your own, it takes me about 1/4 of the usual time. However, I love taking the kids to the store with me (of course, I only have 2!!!)
I don't really have any words of advice but I do think that it would be ok to have someone watch the little ones now & again. You are a great mom & need some peace everyone & awhile. It would be good for Dennis & Alex not to have to go w/ you to Childrens as then you can focus on whoever is having the test/procedure w/o having to keep an eye on the other one. I will pray for your peace in the situation at hand
on a side note, it is funny that you mention babysiting as I just last night had a dream that I was babysiting for your kids & taking them all out for dinner. I think I read your blog too often..lol
God Bless!
Why can't you bring yourself to do it?
Most likely, because you haven't done it for so long, it seems foreign. :)
We are the same. Very rarely do we leave the kids. I have learned to leave them with a few trusted people, but would never leave them with just anybody due to SN's issues.
I am so right there with you. In fact the only time we as adults go out is when my sister fly's up here for a visit. Its just the way I (we) have always been. I dont know how to change it and I dont really think I want too all that much.
I'll be praying you find the perfect person to fit the kids and your needs.
Also, please please let go of the guilt. Us mom's heave way to much of that on ourselves and each other. I find when I get my errands done faster because I don't have all the kids with me I come back more refreshed which makes me a better mom in the evening time. Its a give and take. My kids love the sitter and can't wait until she comes over.
My 17 year old son is a fantastic baby sitter and I feel blessed to have him. Twice I have even, GASP, taken him out of school to watch his little sister while I took an older child to the doctor. He is a great student so I don't feel guilty doing this. It is important for him to realize that there is nothing as important as your family (except God) not even school. It makes him feel important and HE IS IMPORTANT. I really need his help some times. Through this I have seen what a great father and husband he will one day be. Just an added bonus.
You are a great mom. Never, never feel guilty about choices you make when you know ultimately they are in the best interests of your entire family. I am still learning this lesson as well.
God Bless,
Julie
You're not doing it yet because you are not ready. It's an important decision and you should only make the step to use a sitter, when YOU are ready... as should any parent, adoptive or not, big or small family!
We used to get pressured by friends to 'just have the nanny stay late' so we could go out after work, and 99% of the time, we refused. We felt it was unfair to leave the kids to school and nanny all day - and then most of the night too! It seemed very unfair. My quitting allowed us to improve the quality/quantity of our evening and weekend family time - it's not all 'catch up' anymore - so now, we sometimes do get a sitter and go out. We were ready and comfortable when we made the choice. Just follow your feelings! :)
Dear Christine,
If you want a break, of course you should go for it, and if you want one on one time with a child or John, equally, go for it. But, don't get a sitter just because some might get bored. The time Dennis spends with you at Alex's Dr. appt might end up being very special for him. Part of the reason your family might be so close is that you have done this for 4 years. Boring times are great for bonding, as you are forced to interact w/each other (and practice good manners!). So, if you need the break, then it is the right thing to do, but don't think you are ever harming your children by keeping them close to you. Life is boring sometimes, and so many youngsters are spoiled by the constant desire for entertainment. Maybe you do this because you instinctively know they'd rather be with you than with someone else even if they do complain about it being boring. Your parental instincts seem pretty good, and if you feel happier having your kids with you, then I say, enjoy it! Sherry
It's complicated.... I know what you mean. Though I so rarely had a sitter for Aidan and Lydia...I was so much more protective of them than the ones who saw more and worse than I had - before I met them!
But with the adopted ones there is also a sense that maybe they need to count on FAMILY to care for them since they had to rely on others for so long. That's all I can think. I never feel badly to have my older kids be with them - or their godparents. But a mere sitter. That's hard for me. Fortunately, the older ones are now old enough and responsible enough to watch the younger ones...
But...there IS something... I can leave them to go shopping, or go to work.... but to just leave them to have "fun"....it doesn't seem right.
Post a Comment