A mother was sitting at the edge of her in-laws pool talking with her brother-in-law. She was enjoying the conversation as she watched her children playing in the pool. It was nice having all of the cousins to play with, and her children seemed to be having a good time. At one point, the mother's conversation was interrupted by her daughter telling her that her brother didn't want her to play with them because she was a girl. The Mom tried to get her son to let his sister play with all of the kids, but her son insisted that he didn't want her too. No reason whatsoever other than her being a girl...... all of the other cousins and brothers wanted her to play. As this mother tried to manage the conflict, seconds felt like minutes to her, and she became alarmingly aware that her brother-in-law was watching her. When it was obvious that her son would not listen to her, she asked him to get out of the pool. He argued one more time. She again repeated for him to get out of the pool for five minutes because he was the only one who was not including his sister and everyone wanted to get back to the game. He was already in his defensive mode that he was being wronged, and he had a hard time obeying his mother's instructions. As she made the motion to get up to drag him out of the pool if need be, her son stood up, took a step forward, splashed his mother angrily with big swoops from both hands, and whispered under his breath how unfair she was. All the mother could do, was stand up, wipe her face, and follow through with her son as she could see her brother-in-law watching out of the corner of her eye.
Wow.
First thing that comes to mind is that that Mom has an out of control son that she obviously cannot parent. She must either have her hands really full or must be a very lazy Mom to allow her son's behavior to get that bad. But the more sensitive and understanding and compassionate side of me really feels for this Mom. I am sure she is embarrassed by her son's actions and even more embarrassed that it was witnessed by a family member. I can only imagine the drop in her gut that she felt when her son stood up and so disrespectfully splashed her in the face. I am sure she is not lazy-- in fact she is probably the furthest thing from lazy, and I have a feeling that this is an ongoing thing that she has been working on with her son for probably all of his life.
How can I know how this Mom is feeling, you are probably thinking.
How can I feel sorry for this Mom when her son is obviously the "fruit of her labor"?
How, how, how?
Because this Mom is me.
And this son has issues dealing with social interactions that are appropriate and acceptable. He struggles to convey his feelings in a constructive manner that does not make him look bullyish or unreasonable.
This is just one way that a child who falls on the Autism spectrum can look.
Welcome. This is a glimpse into a part of my life. Anyone else feel like sharing?
50 inspiring thoughts:
Thanks for your honesty! I was a paraprofessional in my "former life" to a child on the autistic spectrum and truly, that was THE HARDEST JOB EVER! It takes so much patience and sometimes seems to go against my instincts on how I would instruct him. I saw in this boy's father such unselfishness as he parented his son. Praying for you as you parent this wonderful son of yours!
Parenting a child with 'hidden' disabilites or delays is harder than I could have imagined. Thankfully God is at work in my heart to make me what He wants me to be as well as my child.
I know I have grown in my grace of others and their parenting and am not so judgemental, but I still struggle with others opinions of me.
Pray for all us moms and dads to grow in grace, love and patience.
Delight in Him
Donna
Thank you for your insight. Helpful and eye opening. thank you for being open and honest!
We all need to stop judging other moms, but we REALLY need to stop being so hard on ourselves. No one except for the mom herself knows what her life is like. I teach kindergarten and over heard one mom say to another, after hearing another child swearing, "If my child acted like that, well MY child would NEVER act like that, but IF she did....." I wanted to smack them, because I knew what they didn't---- that this mom they were running down was dealing with this child with Bipolar Disorder, ADHD, and ODD. She was doing everything the doctors said and her son was under their care. Actually, he wasn't a bad kid, just unable to control his impulses. He was sweet and OMG he was funny! While meds were adjusted, he seesawed between zombie and big time class clown. He couldn't help it, and it broke my heart to watch him lose a YEAR of his childhood until they found the right dosage. I still love that amazing kid! He's still one of my favorite students of all time! After teaching this child for 2 years, I learned not to be quick to judge when a child appears to be out of control. God bless you both as you struggle through. I'm sure your son is also a blessing most of the time. Aren't they all a menace some times?! =)
PS I also had to bite my tongue when I overheard that mom talking that day, because guess what? She has three girls and one of them is a Holy Terror! ;)
Thank you for sharing this today. It is truely what I needed to read. As a mother with a son with autism I really do get it !! I always try to remember my growth will probably always out weigh his and that the pure love of christ and charity never faileth !
I have a son with Central Auditory Processing Disorder. It's like dyslexia of your ears. Children who are diagnosed later (like 1-3rd grade) spend years breaking patterns of frustration. We knew something was going on, and I started reading Psalm 139--within days, things started opening up. It took 3 more years before we knew what was going on--however, God told me "He would losen his tongue open his ears, and then mind would be freed." About 5 years later, I found the scripture Isaiah 6:10 where he says the same thing, lest the Israelites turn and be healed. God was letting me know that he would losen his mouth (which he did), open his ears (he showed us how he heard), free his mind (break patterns of frustration), and then my son will give his whole heart to him and be healed.
It's a daily battle of patience. Slowly, daily, two steps forward one step back at times, he's overcoming. It's hard. Sometimes you pray for God to show you how to love, when they're not very lovable. It's a faith walk--a mom faith walk!
You might like my post on discipline, though. No-it's not a lecture--hopefully, it will make you laugh a little and give you a tool that will help. I know it helped me. "The Discipline of Squats: http://bluecottonmemory.wordpress.com/2009/07/20/when-discipline-lacks-self/
I completely feel for you. I do not have a child with autism, but have a child who has ADHD and ODD. He has always been such a struggle. He is a caring child with a big heart most of the time, but has never been able to control himself. Even at 18 we still deal with issues daily from him. He will soon be on his own, but for now house rules are still a constant battle.
My son isn't on the autism spectrum, but has some trauma issues that cause explosive behaviors at times. I've been in your situation soooo many times! I'm always embarrassed, especially when it happens in front of people who don't see us that often. I'm also not lazy, and discipline my kids, and yet these things happen. I've so learned to not judge other parents when I see things like this, now that I've been through it myself these last few years. Big hugs!
My oldest has aspergers. I knew it most his life. It took until he was 15 for a leading expert to say what I've always known. It's easier to explain to people if you have that diagnosis. By time we got it, it was too late for all the interventions he should have had. As a 19-yr-old college student he holds his own in some areas and not in others. Have to tell myself regularly that in coping skills and social skills he is nowhere near 19.
Yep, maybe mild aspergers but somewhere on the spectrum regardless. Their behavior- and their parents- is often judged because they seem so typical. You cannot see their differences. Fortunately there are many resources available now for kids and their families that can help to teach them social skills, self control, and emotional regulation.
n share....I'm not on the autism spectrum, but I am severely affected by bipolar disorder and I have serious sensory processing issues, which add up to some similar traits.
I'm not your son, and my issues aren't exactly the same, but I do have enormous issues relating to other people. And so I can share that as hard as it is to see and I'm sure believe, I'm pretty sure he feels terrible. And not only does he feel terrible, he probably can't express that appropriately either.
Even as an adult who knows perfectly well this kind of thing is part of who she is I struggle with this....
I can so relate
thanks for sharing
Thanks for your honesty, Christine. It gives others a safe place to talk too. I have a 6 year old grandson who has Asperger's. While it can be frustrating feeling like we have to act and treat him a certain way in order to avoid a meltdown, I'm thankful we're learning skills to deal with his personality.
At our most vulnerable, that is when I fear that people are watching me and judging me. I have to repeat this to myself often - "I won't see these people again so it's ok if they don't understand" or "These people here love me, I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt that they feel uncomfortable and don't know how to respond to a melt down." That way I'm able to change how I respond and change what I'm going to worry about.
I know it's worth it in the end, so at least know you're not alone on your journey.
My son slapped me across the face at a birthday party about a month ago in front of a whole lot of people that I don't know. He was only 3 at the time and I was absolutely shocked and embarrassed.
I don't walk the walk of autism - but for any parent there are moments an incidents like this. I know how quickly they can say "I hate you" and how that hurts in the moments of their anger. No easy manual for parenting. I admire you and all you juggle. God gives us all strength and grows us through our experiences. Your sharing this will bless and help struggling Moms that read thsi.
i could tell by your writing that you were referring to yourself... and i think i know which child you're writing about... but in any case, you are in my prayers!
- michelle
Even kids that are nowhere near autism can have similar moments. All part of being a parent. You acted as you should and I'm sure you dealt with the situation appropriately.
Thank you for sharing this. I had an awesome Grandmother that taught me (as a very young child) not to judge a parent by the way their children behave because there maybe more going on then you can see. She was right. I have learned that supporting parents is so important.
Oh yes, Dear! I understand completely. You bring up the Autism spectrum and it has recently come up for Curtis that he might fall into the category of a probable Asperger's diagnosis which is a form of Autism. We struggle daily with Curtis like this. Parenting is a difficult thing we must look to the Lord for each day! Thank you for sharing and being honest. I appreciate you.
really, sometimes I swear you write this blog just for me. I deal with little Mr ADHD every day. all day. no breaks. and while he is the love of my life when he is in a good loving compliant mood, he is downright impossible to communicate with when he isnt. I have begun to notice that he can not label his feelings and then blows up. I have been helping him with that only two days and I seriously am seeing a much nicer child. I say things like wow you look angry. or I bet you are angry because I didnt let you finish your game. or WOW! that was so scary! you are scared! I understand! I would be scared too! I think helping him find the words to communicate to me his anger or fear or feelings in general will help him to not have to feel he must blow up in frustration for his inability to make me hear him. He is not on the spectrum that I know of. and no one has ever suggested it, but I would bet money on alcohol effects that go along with his adhd. thanks for letting me know I am not the only one who deals with this stuff.
Yes this journey of autism is quite a ride, huh?! I do believe it's all part of our refining process...learning to be patient, kind, gentle, compassionate, and to love unconditionally. Not easy especially under the pressures that autism and the like bring but with God all things are possible!!
Hanging on to His hem with all that I have....:)
Sounds a lot like my ds, who has social skills and defiance problems. Of course the rest of the world "knows" that the behaviors are a result of poor parenting. We even went to a psychologist who, for $400, told us to try ADHD medication (which was ineffective), said that we needed to "be firm", and that we would "probably always have problems with him". Thank you very much for nothing. And now his new teacher has even labeled him "He doesn't have the problems he had last year, but he is very manipulative, very defiant." I've tried BCLC but didn't seem to get anywhere. Next I plan to read 2 books I ordered about ODD. I'll let you know if I hit paydirt! It breaks my heart to think that he might grow up to be like this. I feel your pain.
Lori
I have a son with autism and watching him struggle with interactions (or lack of) and trying to diseemiate the world around him can be excrutiating. It is hard because our kids look typical so patience with behaviors from outsiders can be non-existant. I am sorry you had a rough day. I think you are wonderful and your son is lucky to have a mom who knows his actions are not a reflection of his heart.
Hi Christine, this is Katie, who is always asking you about churches and Christianity. :) I've been away from your blog for awhile so I don't know when/how your son was diagnosed. My 3-year-old has "classic autism," and it is so very hard. I feel looks from strangers in public and I feel the judgement. I can't tell you how many times I've cried because people, even family members, just don't get it. It is a hard road, Christine, please don't think that it isn't and please give yourself and him a break. I have found that compassion for myself and for my son is really the only thing that gets us through. I don't know how long you have known he is on the spectrum, but please know I am here to pray for and with you and your family and maybe I can even be a resource if you have any questions. Is your son an RC client? You will have to fight for services as the CA budget is decimating them left and right. I am sending lots of love out to you. P.S. I was given some cards that helped me out in public a few times. I looked online for you for an example but this is the best I could come up with. I only ever gave one out but taking them with me was like a security blanket: http://www.zazzle.com/if_you_are_alarmed_by_my_childs_behavior_busines_business_card-240816005407722208
I was wondering, in this situation, wouldn't this particular uncle of the boy know of his condition and make his choice of reaction based on that? If not, he needs to soften his heart and open his mind.
Other than that, the world is judgemental, and they will judge anyone who is any different for the rest of their lives. We experience it with our son who is on the spectrum and my baby brother (21 years old, not the 1-year-old) who has PDD.
Dear Christine,
I really enjoy reading your blog. I want you to know that I understand. I too have a child on the autism spectrum. Sometimes, it's so hard. Do you get the e-mail from Children of Destiny? This has really encouraged me.
Christine,
Thank you for sharing this. I'm applying for a nanny job that includes a 6 year old boy on the Autism spectrum. I've had a lot of special needs experience, and some experience with autsim. I'm really hoping I get the job (even though it will mean relocating to a new state), so, it's nice to have a little glimpse of your experience with Autism! If I get the job I may be asking you some questions!!!!
I have a son on the spectrum as well who also has trouble managing his anger at times. And managing social settings. I hate the stares of strangers (or in this case, family) when we have to deal with our child's behavior. But, we do what we have to do. It stinks that others do not realize that we are parenting a child that isn't your so-called "typical" child who is misbehaving. Anyway, know that you are not alone.
Christine...I DO always appreciate your honesty!
My eldest has FAS and JUST when I THINK I have a handle on him...and a routine that works, and excellent behavior...he POPS UP with some NEW or strange OR what we like to say "quirky" un-explainable thing that often times embarrasses or humiliates a sibling or Hubbie and I...we have learned to DIRECTLY deal with it but I have to admit, with him quickly approaching 16 he STILL surprises me!!!!!
We OFTEN say if HE had a VISIBLE disability that OTHERS could SEE he would do better in life...BUT we know that God does NOT make mistakes.
Love to YOU and YOURS!!!!
Jill
I am not a parent (obviously) but I can relate to your story bc I work with a little girl who has down's syndrome. I go to her after school program every day and stay with her while she is there and help her do her homework, etc...
Some days are really good days. Some days are really really bad days. LIke the other day she ran away from me while I was taking her to the office to work on homework in a quiet environment. But she ran away from me and went and got on the elevator and I was at my wit's end and was trying to get her off of it when her teacher walked by and was like "Get off now." and she did. And I felt so bad bc then i was like, gosh now her teacher probably thinks that I can't handle her. which I can just sometimes you get like these little situations that they will not listen to you. :( I'll be praying for you!!
I admire you for keeping your calm, sometimes that's the hardest part. Sometimes we prejudge others without knowing the whole story...we haven't walked in their shoes, haven't lived their life, don't know the circumstances. Thank you for the reminder!
I knew that Autism was becoming more common, but I had no idea just how common. Being on a spectrum, there are just so many different behaviors----- but there is no denying it when you see that there is a distinct difference between your child that has it and those that do not.
To set the record straight, my brother-in-law wasn't mean and he didn't even comment about the incident---- but my own feelings about the event perceived that he must be thinking something.
Thanks to all who have made it clear that this post is not just about Autsim but about any child with special issues that make raising them a blessed challenge.
Christine,
I am weeping as I read your post. As an educator, who has a highly public recognition factor, I am very conscious of people's opinion. People (not your BIL, thankfully) can be very cruel in their conclusions drawn in nanosecond spans. All three of our dear children have multiple issues. Youngest started school this week. We're on day three. Already is showing control issues, lack of respect and boundaries. Other two having (lack of)integrity issues and lying. It is just not going to be a smooth path. I rejoice for any moments that are noneventful. I am deeply thankful for people who refrain from verbal condemnation. Most of them are ignorant as to actual facts, but feel free to pour forth anyway. There have been some who assume we don't spend enough time with the children, who always exhibit neediness...sometimes classic neediness, sometimes outrageous, upstaging, break-my-heart neediness.
Anyway, thank you for your transparency. I admire you and your ambitions. Shine on.
God bless you,
Jen
Hello,
You and your Husband are amzing for caring for 12 children with as diverse back grounds as they have. You guy's are my hero's !! May God Bless all your efforts.
We have a son who was adopted from here who is ADHD, ODD, RAD, and Bi-Polar. He has been a handfull all along but these last two years have been almost more tha we can bear. At 18 he still struggles with house rules, all authroity etc. He has a good heart and can be Mr. Charming when he wants to be. Raising children like this is difficult but I believe God will never give us more than we can bear. Best wishes and thankls for checking out my blog.
alan
Reading this post about half way through I had tears in my eyes. Why the tears, because I thought to myself this could easily be me. I love the way you wrote this post. It is not easy parenting, but it is really not easy when there are hidden issues. May God bless you and give you wisdom as you parent his child, your son. HUGS
Hidden disabilities bring a whole host of issues, most of them because other people are so fast to judge. I know a guy who is in a wheelchair. He's also an investment banker and wildly sucessful. He was on a panel about disabilities in the job force, and he said something along the lines of "I think people with invisible disabilities have it harder than I do. No one is going to look at me and question if I really need to use that ramp, no one is going to tell me to "just smack him, he's being lazy, since I can't walk"
I work with kids with autism. I love them dearly. But I constantly find myself chanting "Leave your ego in the glove compartment" When my camper calls me "fat molly"? I just try to breathe and talk to him. I've seen him get so worked up he can't think straight. I've seen him become incoherant when hes overwhelmed.
It makes me sad to think that one day people will judge him or his parents without knowing the situation. without knowing he's a great kid, with a wonderful heart, who just happens to have some extra challenges.
oh and Christine, it is so common! I work at a special needs summer camp and there is such a wide range. That's why it's called a spectrum. So you are NOT alone, and I have heard this sentiment echoed many many times
Thanks for sharing, as a mom of 4 kids (2 have adhd en 1 has pdd-nos and adhd) I know the feeling, especialy my 11 year old girl, does things like your son did.
I have a child similar to this who came out kicking and screaming and has never stopped. He loves to stir the pot and is happiest when he is creating chaos or conflict.
No, you are not lazy. Parenting is hard work. I am sure God has great things planned for that specific child of yours. This is something I remind myself of often when I am battling my son's personalitiy "issues".
Blessings,
Julie
I feel this way with my kids at times. I don't have any "reason" like autism for their misbehavior or disobedience, but it is still difficult. I hate feeling out of control with my kids, like I can't reel them in sometimes. Tonight I spent an HOUR AND A HALF getting my 3 year old to go to sleep! He just wouldn't stay in bed no matter what parenting technique I did! Ughh...God bless your parenting (and all of ours!).
I didn't think anything bad about the mother (you) at all. In fact, I was pleased she followed through. So many parents today make empty threats to their children and do nothing.
A child's behaviour is not always the fruit of the parents' labour. Often, but not always. Like your situation you get kids with learning or behavioural problems. But kids are also, by nature, disobedient. Sometimes you see kids in otherwise relatively well-behaved families who do something and you just wonder "where did that come from??"
Thanks so much for your honesty.
mama of 13
Sounds like my Autumn . . . to a T!!!!!!
I had a foster son with the exact behavior. He threw a tantrum when it was time to get out of the public pool and he was way past the normal tantrum years (6), He has gone back to his mom and they are now beginning to realize that it is not just a communication disorder he suffers from, but probably a form of autism. I wish I had this diagnosis when he was with me!!!
You are a great mom, you know that? I always appreciate your perspective.
Respons #46, which you undoubtedly don't need... But you sure made me feel better. Not all kids are easy to parent, and not all parents intuit how to handle each child...and some children just won't be easily handled. Dealing with other parents' opinions of how you are doing, may be the hardest part of all.
WHERE is that HIDDEN POST? The only on my dashboard? I REALLY wanted to read it!
Christine, I think you need more post like this. When I have read in the past I was like she has it totally together, she is in control...
Realizing you go through the same fears and struggles and feel they way I do Mine has FAE) it helps. You realize you are not alone in your feelings. Knowing a mother who is doing a FABUlOUS job can feel they way you do is very reassuring.
I sympathize with you and totally know how you feel.
I was just stopping by wondering how it was going!
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