It took me and another nurse to hold Dennis down while the other nurse tried to remove the stitches. Five minutes and bleeding sutures later, the nurse said that Dennis would need to be sedated at another time in order for the stitches to come out.
Fine with me.
On the way out of the hospital we got quite a few stares. Not unusual, but more than usual.
At Costco, I had a few people "coincidentally" follow us, and one discreetly decided they needed to check their phone messages with the shutter directed at Dennis as if they were taking a picture.
Unbelievable, but true.
One older lady passed by us, stopped and backed up her cart and asked if she could touch Dennis. "Such a special boy."
Another woman asked if he was bitten by a dog.
Yet another woman asked if he was in a car accident. "No, he was born that way. It was a complication in the womb." She looked down at my stomach with a look I can't quite explain and I didn't even bother saying that he didn't come from my own flesh and blood. He might as well have..... I have so much love for this little guy.
Admittedly, I was a little overwhelmed by the tactless curiosity---- maybe I just wasn't in the mood.
When we got up to the check out, I noticed that the bagger had a big purple like tumor on the one side of his upper lip that stuck out considerably. Big whoop---- no big deal at least to me.
Jonny joined me at my side as I was paying for our stuff and he engaged the man in idle chit-chat. Then Jonny looked up and saw the man's lip.
"Hey mister, what happened to your lip?"
I was a little embarrassed and tried to explain, the man nicely answered Jonny seemingly unannoyed.
The man and I exchanged glances as we left and he smiled at me.
Little does that man know, but he ministered to me today. I should be more compassionate to those who aren't used to being around children that look like Dennis. I should be more patient and take time to address the stares and teach in an encouraging way instead of thinking they are the problem. If I am not more open to talking about my son's special needs, how should I expect other people to be more compassionate towards my son?
Maybe that man does know that he ministered to me today.
36 inspiring thoughts:
I get that. My "best" comment was a little boy who looked at Mog asleep in her wheelchair then ran to his mother "I think that little girl is DEAD!"
Funny from a distance but upsetting at the time when she'd been so ill.
I do love how used to our children we get and how we see the beauty in them. Every so often I take a photo at a bad angle and it makes my child a stranger, and suddenly I understand some of the stares. I am so thankful for those who see the beauty in our children.
Tia
oh - and Denis is HANDSOME! He's such a cutiepie!
Not all stares are meant in a negative way. I must admit, if I met you and your son I might at first stare. It is a common human reaction. Your son looks different and it is hard not to notice. Yes, some people have no tact and do stare and whisper in a negative way but others might stare and simply wonder how it happened and go on with their day. You seem so defensive and possibly for good reason. But, have you ever tried reaching out to others and not holding such negative views of others? You seem so God loving yet I find many of your comments to others on here so harsh. "God loves all and overlooks their faults", can you?
I understand as a mom how hard it can be to have people stare and make comments about your child. I have experienced this in 2 different ways. In 2004 I gave birth to my daughter Emma. She was born with MIDAS syndrome which caused linear abrasions on her face and neck. It looked as though she had been burned. She had to go to the NICU after her birth because of the MIDAS syndrome and the Hypoplastic left heart syndrome she was also born with. We were not given a good prognosis. We loved her and as her parents we thought she was beautiful. Sadly while we were visiting her in the NICU I overheard nurses talking badly about how she looked and I heard other parents with children in the NICU making accusatory comments like I had probably abused her or allowed her to be abused. They actually thought that I had allowed her to be burned. It was very heartbreaking. Especially since we knew that she could pass away at any time. I have actually been afraid for people to see pictures of her for fear of their reaction. The other experience I have had is with my youngest son. His disability is not noticeable physically. He has a sensory processing disorder. He has a hard time in public situations because of the noise and the lights. He often tantrums, bangs his head and screams. Most people just see him as a brat or thinks we are horrible parents. I have heard comments like "That child just needs a good spanking!" or "That child is overindulged and a brat and he needs to be disciplined." or "Don't you just hate it when parents can't control their kids." I have even had adults I don't know try to verbally discipline my son and actually touch him(he is very sensitive to touch). People can be so cruel. I do try to be kind and explain but sometimes if they are not giving me the same respect it is hard. I know that there are kind people out there and other parents who understand what I am experiencing but sometimes you feel so alone and you can't understand why others can't just see how precious and special your child is. Thank you for sharing this story. First because I feel that I am not alone and second because it helps me to remember that I need to try to be more understanding of people's reactions.
Melissa Moss
melissamoss79@live.com
Sorry for the insensitivity of others but perhaps they are just curious and like you said you were having a not to positive day.. It does ache deep in our hearts to watch our children cry in pain either for stiches to be removed, or all these special ones who need multiple surgeries. I have a few children who also get stared at. I know that often when we have those stares or inappropriate behaviors one of the other siblings usually comes back with a "good" one or very 2 edge sword comment back. We are pretty open about all our kids and usually I share with ease about them. I would have had the same reactions and feelings as you today.. We go on Monday to get our son, Jonas' prosethetic eye. He is 14 and we did the eye surgery in March and he has been wearing a comformer since then. It is easier with a 14 yr old. He also has beautiful blue eyes like Dennis.
Strange how it all ends sometimes, isn't it? That you would run into that man right when you needed to? :) I had stares today as well at my oldest son's graduation. I turned around and this couple seated behind us were absolutely staring at my youngest son's head (he has severe plagio...his head is shaped like this //). Thankfully, I was so into the graduation thing that I didn't sit there and stew about it like I usually do. How do you educate the ones who just STARE but never say anything? Ugh.
One evening my husband and I stpped for bite to eat at a local diner. Some young people came in to eat too and sat in the booth opposite. One of them had contact lenses that made his eyes look as though they X's in the center. It was extremely distracting and I found myself looking at hime over and over, even though I didn't want to. It has been said that "the eyes are the window to the soul" and Dennis' bright cheery personality shines through his good eye and his smile is contagious. All his life people are going to ask questions. I think you will do him a big favor by teaching him how to answer others in the way you explain to those who dare to ask.
In all honesty, I never know whether I am supposed to look and pretend I don't notice those things or conveniently look the other way. Seems we never get it quite right no mattter what.
Maybe you can start responding to stares with "I know. he's a cutie right?!" or "wave hello to the nice lady". Show them that he is like any other child.
I always want parents of kids with invisible disabilites to know that I'm glad they're out and about and that if their child melts down that I'm not judging them. So many of my parents of kids with autism have told me horror stories about their kid melting down in public and people staring or saying things. One mother was told that she "wasn't fit to be a parent". She was devistated.
I'd say just greet every stare with a nice comment and a wave from Dennis. Kill em with kindness!
Oh and I realized that Dennis doesn't have an invisible disbaility. But its much easier to wave and smile at a cutie like Dennis than it is to approach the parent of a child who is having a meltdown to tell them to hang in there.
My son has a problem with thinking and not saying :) And I use to get embarassed when you'd ask questions about others that he saw but the truth is that he just wanted to KNOW and UNDERSTAND, he didnt mean to be rude and I think most people just want to understand or its their way of opening a line of communication. If a little one stares or asks questions I'd just answer honestly and sayhe was born that way and it wasnt his fault and that you think he's perfect just like your mommy thinks you are perfect and thats he plays and lovs getting dirty etc... just like you do. Instead of just saying " he had a complication in the womb" which leaves imaginations open...i'd be more specific and tell them about banding and how it happens and what it can do to a baby and how lucky he is that he survived it. Now th picture taking is rude and totally creepy... I would hav confronted them and asked if they took a picture and if so Id demand that they delete it... totally and invasion of his privacy and security.
Some people are rude and insensitive and others are just being kind. I get all kinds of rude comments re. Joe...but now at our local grocery store...people know us..and are much kinder.
Sorry to hear Dennis had such a hard time. Hope he feels better soon.
I think that your feelings are perfectly normal Christine. After all, you are a mommy and we all want our children to be seen the way we see them.
I think that it's perfectly normal for people to stare initially, but very rude for them to follow you through the store.
I think Dennis is adorable and I'm sure that if I saw you out in costco I would stare..right before i gave him (and you) a big ole' hug.
First off, I am sorry that you both had to endure such a rough appt this morning. I hope the next time you go in, the stitches are able to come out w/ little trauma to both you and Dennis! I hate appts where I have to hold my little ones down, goes against the natural urge to snap them up and protect them from fear and pain.
I also wanted to comment on the curiosity... My dad was born w/ cerebral palsy that gave him a pretty severe limp, and a crippled left arm. He always always ALWAYS drilled into us that he preferred people to ask him questions about his arm, rather than stare or say rude things. He welcomed questions, and never made those who dared to ask about it feel bad. Though I don't know how my grandma dealt w/ such questions or looks when he was young. I am willing to bet Dennis will eventually have the same kind of attitude... from the stories you share and the pictures you post, what a ball full of sunshine and sweetness.
And lastly, what a powerful moment it must've been when you realized that that man ministered to you today. I love those moments... even when they happen in the midst of me feeling angry or defensive or any other negative emotion, I love a good light bulb moment, and I wish they happened more frequently.
Hang in there mama!
I'm sure some of the stares are just idle curiosity - but that photographing isn't nice - she should have asked first.
Dennis is so cute - shame about the stitches, but if he's sedated it will be a lot easier. Hope they can do it soon!
Oh Christine! I'm sorry Dennis's appt. didn't go well. :(
I wonder why they are not using stitches that dissolve at healing?
All the surgeries we have had over here, including amputation, knee surgery, hip surgery, have all been disolvable stitches.
Maybe you can request them?
As far as the stares. Some days, like the day you had, there is no room to deal with it. Other days you are the proudest mom around and can talk to anybody. Even rude people.
Our funniest story was an older man watching us in a restaurant. After he finished his meal with us as his entertainment, he came over and said, "wow, I'm really sorry, was it an accident?" (I was limping from a sore back, Erika had no feet in a wheel chair, Sarah had just had surgery and didn't have a leg on and Anna was just there for the ride.) LOL
I said, "no, we're like this on purpose". You should have seen his face. He handed one of the kids a 20 dollar bill and said, "go to the movies on me."
Oh, and yes, that man most likely knew that he ministered to your heart. :)
It never bothers me when children ask questions. They are just learning.
Wow, I'm sorry you had a such a difficult hospital appointment, that sounds terrible for everybody! :(
Wow, some people can be hideously rude! I cannot believe somebody was taking photographs of him on their cellphone! Asking you about him politely is one thing, but photographing him as if he's some kind of exhibit is quite another, at least in my opinion!
What is it about Costco. I still can't get over an incident I had a few months ago. I was pushing Lauren (my Asian/Russian) daughter in the cart and a man came up to us obviously very excited to talk to us and asked if that was my "real daughter". He then pointed over at his cart to his Asian daughter. I felt bad not engaging him in conversation because he seemed earnest but come on I hate that from people who don't know better but for another seemingly adoptive parent to say it in front of both girls. How can you not know better in that situation.
Hilary
I am sorry for the pain that this caused. My little boy has DS and we get stared at every time we go somewhere. However; I just know that the are staring at his wonderful smile and they either are heartless are they have to respond to him waving and saying hi when they stare. People that are curious are soon talking to him every where that we go. I would imagine sweet little Dennis will be making friends every time he walks out of the door as well. He is just too cute for people not to stare!:)
Kayla
Oh, I feel for him and the sutures. Bless his heart! I had scabbed sutures removed from the inside of my nose once and it was BY FAR the worst pain I've experienced in my life--C-sections included! It makes you wonder why they didn't plan on sedating him in the first place?
I want to tell you something that has blessed my heart through your blog. At times, the kids have stood behind me when I'm reading your blog and asked about Dennis. "What happened to that little boy, Mamma?" I've used it as a teaching moment to talk about how God makes us different and how when we see someone different we should respond the same way we would want them to treat us(something they relate to--what with Dad's prosethtic and stares and questions about it). But the sweetest thing that happened was the day I was reading with three year old Randy on my lap. He saw Dennis's picture and exclaimed, "Look, Mommy! That me!" I said, "No, that is another little boy. His name is Dennis." And he said, "That boy....just like me!" He didn't see any difference at all.
Christine,
That bottom picture of you and Dennis is really beautiful!
Amy
Hey Christine, I'm sorry about your experience in Costco. Like some other commenters said already, Dennis does look difference and it's natural that he would catch our eye, and I think the staring is the brain just trying to process and absorb. Yes, some people are downright rude and unkind, but I know I have been guilty of "staring", and not even realizing it. But, we Mamas want to protect our children from all the cruelty and hurt in this world and so we react this way.
I think you reacted great...the way a mom should..protective, & compasionatly towards Dennis. I know it's hard..It's times like those when I must really remember who I represent. I've been asked about Eli.. "What's wrong with him?" And do you know it took all my stregnth to not shout.."Nothing! He's perfect in every way!" :) That's why God has blessed us with our children..cause that's exactly what we think! I love how God turned this into a lesson of the heart for you. :) Sorry for the hard day at the doctors..sometimes those days can be such a bummer :( Praying for an easier trip next time, Dennis! :)
You are in inspiration! I will pray that he never feels pain like that again. I can not help but to say he is getting even or handsome with every picture.
Joy
Wow. Powerful post Christine.
Sometimes it takes something as seemingly subtle as that to wake us up and get us to see the full picture.
Good for you for seeing it.
Blessings.
I'm so sorry to hear of Dennis' painful stitches! I've experienced that too and it does hurt! Poor baby! And poor momma for having to witness and see that pain :(
What a great post, honey. I'm so sorry Dennis had a hard time in hospital. I totally get why the stares and questions must be hard to deal with, and I think it's powerful that you were ministered to at exactly that moment.
Cxx
Ugh. It's hard. Jasmine looks normal is you don't notice her left hand or see her feet. Her feet are missing toes and mis shapen. She wore flip flops to the soccer party and one girls spent the whole awards ceremony gawking at Jasmine's feet. Luckily Jasmine was busy watching people get their trophies. She will just tell people she was born that way but it gets to her when they continue to stare.
Poor little Dennis! :-( I wonder if they ever use threas on "outside" stitches that just get absorbed by the body/break down naturally?
I hope it will go better and less painful for Dennis!
UGH! You know, I don't mind kids who stare and/or ask questions. They're just being curious, and they just ask. But I do have a problem with adults who stare! Or older kids who should know better, and their parent's who are staring right along with them. It is just plain rude. Now, if they came up to me and asked me a question, I'd be happy to answer. I've even answered DUMB questions, (though if I'm in a mood I might answer them with a hint of sarcasm.) but I have a problem with staring. Last night we took Angela and some friends to a play at the children's theater for her birthday. All of our guests have Down syndrome. One of them was having some problems and there were grown adults not only staring, but flat out FOLLOWING to watch what would happen next. It was all his mom could do to keep from saying something to that man. I give her credit, because I probably wouldn't have been able to keep my mouth shut. But, had he asked a question like, "how old is your little boy?" or...well who knows what...she would have answered it nicely and satisfied his curiosity.
I agree there is a difference between adults and kids asking questions and/or staring. Taking his picture without permission that way crosses over the line. Now my expereince is far far less than yours but it just shows you grown up people will pick up on any difference and choose to make wrong comments. My son is VERY small for his age.....at 8.5 he is 41 and 3/4 inches tall and 35 lbs. He wears a 5T....at age 5 he was in 2-3T and very tiny. One day at Publix.....he was sitting in the back of the cart because his asthma was acting up slightly. The lady said "oh he is so cute...how old is he". My son said "I am five"...she looked at me like my son was a baby playing and said..."oh really your five" I said yes he is 5.......she gasped this horrid gasp....in complete and utter shock......."WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM...he is SOOOOOOOO SMALL".....uh yeah.......I said "nothing" and walked away...i was so angry.....nothing is wrong with him....he is tiny....and his brain works just fine.....and asking such a question in front of him....he gets it more and more.....because he is older and to tiny. People when they find out how old he is either stare....or treat him like a 5 year old. it isn't noticeable at first......that he is different but still people stare and ask stupid questions....like are you putting him on growth hormone.......uh.....no.....not right now......cause he does NOT have a deficiency and 1 we can't afford it and 2 if and only if a foundation will cover it will we decide then..his appointment is in July...but when I say that people look at me and act like I am abusing my son because I haven't yet put him on growth hormone that is 100's of thousands of dollars per year.....even had one person imply we should go in debt for it. My son is happy with who he is...has no issues with his size but others do.....its like the flock of chickens who peck the one to death that is different....and when those people act like that .....just remember they are acting like chickens...not people...curiosity and wondering is one thing..but rudeness and lack of compassion is another.....I am sure you know the heart behind the stares or comments because you can feel it....know what I mean...and they need to realize every person...every child born is fearfully and wonderfully made....a beautiful creation made by God....and Dennis and your family.....bless my soul when I read your blog....I do think Dennis is beautiful......aboslutely beautiful...and whoever talked about his spirit.....yep....his spirit...his warrior strenght shines through his eyes and smile.......and your family has already ministered to me!
so sorry the little guy had such a a horrid experince with his stitches
i just *heart* you today. thanks.
One of my friends has a birthmark on her face (it's quite big and noticeable) and she always used to get comments, or people asking what happened. etc. She always used to take it really well and was always really polite back, I really admire her for it :)
Some people just don't have tact when they say things...but it can be hurtful. They probably aren't thinking bad things - they just wonder...people are so nosy :) lol
When I had radiotherapy to my neck last year, my skin burned really bad and it was really noticeable and people used to constantly stare at my neck. In the end, I wished people would ask what happened instead of just staring! lol.
Anyway, I'm jabbering on!
Dennis is gorgeous :)
I have a portwine stain birthmark, along with bipolar disorder (great fun to have an invisible disability plus get stared at). Mine is on my hand (about 80% of it), so people don't notice it immediately sometimes but people react all the time.
The best thing that my parents did for me in my whole childhood was that they made my difference be something that I was matter-of-fact about. As soon as I could talk I answered any and all dumb questions. I've gone through periods where I confronted stares or rudeness and periods where I didn't.
A lot of the parents in the birthmark world hand starers business cards that say something like "it's called amniotic banding. See ______ webpage". Some use their own, some use a general one.
And I think I would have started screaming for security with the camera man; that's just creepy!
Dear Christine,
I hope you give yourself a bubble bath or something to pamper yourself. You handled a really tough day pretty darned well. I do like the idea of saying something quick and definitive that makes you comfortable, but I see the problem with amniotic banding and immediately getting the womb stare. On the other hand, mentioning his birth mother every time probably also wouldn't be too comfortable. Once again, I suggest you and John mull it over. He seems to be such a wonderful pillar of strength for you, and maybe if you think of some responses in advance you won't be so flustered. Ironic that this is bothered you today, when he is looking so handsome and healthy! His true beauty is really being brought out as his face becomes more symmetrical. And, you are growing as well, and learning things you will need for Alexsey, too. As we put together a dossier for a special needs child in Bulgaria, it has been hard to decide how to check boxes for missing limbs, heart conditions, etc., while thinking of what all it will involve. I will be looking to you for guidance, so thank you for your insightfulness and honesty. Sherry in Ohio
This post brought tears to my eyes. I love that you feel that God was ministering to you through the man at the checkout.
And no, the man probably didn't realize it. Just like you probably don't realize that YOU minister to 100s of people every day!
Dear Christine, I am sorry the little guy had such a rough time at the doctors.
As far as rudeness in others I understand. I've had arthritis since I was ten and have limped ever since. It doesn't matter what your condition is. If you're not in the "norm" people will stare.
I wonder what would happen if when rude people had questions about Dennis you said to them, "I'll tell you about my beautiful son if you let me tell you about another beautiful Son first." And then if they said okay you could share the gospel with them!
I've started doing that with telemarketers. I say I will listen to their spiel if they listen to mine first. Sometimes they hang up on me and I've had a few that listened. You just never know when you're gonna plant that first seed!
I know it hurts. It hurts because Dennis is special. Not because he has a new eye, but because he is loving and happy and sweet and beautiful.
I do wish people would learn to have more compassion for others. Sure people are curious. If you have to know what's going on with someone then please learn to go up nicely and just ask!
Always praying for all your family!
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