Thoughts on Respite

John and I provided respite for a girl a few years back. The parents were just physically and mentally exhausted and rather than them just giving up right then and there, they agreed to having John and I take care of their 11 year old daughter for one week while they regrouped, refreshed, took some deep breaths, and had a few days to clear their heads and figure out how they were going to prepare their home for their daughter's return. It was the much needed break that they had been needing and it helped them to realize that when the home went back to the same exact climate a few weeks after she was home--- it was evident that no one was thriving in the home anymore.

Respite not only gave them the break that they were needing at that exact moment, but it was also a useful tool in gaging the amount of trauma that was going on in the home while she was in it compared to the reunification that was happening with the existing family members when she wasn't.

A fellow adoptive blogging Mom wrote:

Adoption isn't a clear-cut experience. Seeing photos and a small write-up of a child is one thing, but bringing this 'stranger' into your home and making him your son is a whole different thing. Most of the time the families that adopt through Reece's Rainbow come home and after a period of adjustment, the family and child experience their "happily ever after". Not without trials, since these children all have special needs and, well, they're KIDS :) But families find their 'rhythm' and their joy and their family makeup is a wonderful gift from God.

Occasionally, though, the child and family do struggle after coming home. Especially if the child has "hidden issues" such as additional syndromes, major medical issues, or attachment issues. Autism, another 'hidden' thing in institutionalized kids, is another kicker. And sometimes the going gets... well, TOUGH.

After a year home with their new son, our visitor's family knew that things were not falling into place as they should and that each day continued to be a struggle. Instead of throwing in the towel and saying "this isn't what we signed up for", they reached out for help from others that have "been there" and asked for help. I have the utmost respect for this family for asking for help when they needed it! Not that this family would turn to this... but a lot of abuse of adopted children comes from families not reaching out when they need help and simply trying to do it on their own. Reaching out when you need help is the best way to receive the help both the family and child need to work things out!

It's not easy to say "I can't do it" or to say "I need help" or even more so, to say "I'm scared." This family reached out and in response received the help that they needed to get some distance, some perspective, some training, some much needed rest, and an opportunity to have a fresh start with their son. When they may have thrown in the towel, they now have support set up for when he comes home and are prepared to deal with all those things that before were 'surprises' and instead are 'understood'.

During this month of respite our little guy's family has made their home into an environment that will better accommodate their son as well as help them in their daily lives to have less stress due to his special needs. They've sought counseling since before the respite time and will continue to do so once he is home. They've taken some time to be a husband and wife and some time to re-connect with their other children and set up their family environment knowing that their son will be returning to them just as he left them, struggles, trials, and all. And now they feel more adequately prepared to deal with it all.

What I want to make most clear here is that if someone needs help, there should be no shame or guilt in looking for and accepting that help. We all need reminders of this in our everyday lives. Whether it's in regard to our children, our habits, our lifestyles, whatever... when someone reaches out for help, don't turn them away saying they must have been wrong to be in that position, or that you wouldn't seek help in their shoes...

Luke 10:30-37
In reply Jesus said: "A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he fell into the hands of robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, took him to an inn and took care of him. The next day he took out two silver coins and gave them to the innkeeper. 'Look after him,' he said, 'and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.'

"Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?"

The expert in the law replied, "The one who had mercy on him." Jesus told him, "Go and do likewise."

I love what Meredith wrote about her thoughts on respite after providing care for a little boy for few weeks. Unlike the family we helped who in the end disrupted the adoption of their daughter three months after having respite (she is now our daughter but that is a different story), this family seems prepared and refreshed to parent their son------ a new beginning for all of them.

This kind of networking and support is so important for all parents--- not just adoptive parents. Biological kids can have just as many struggles as adoptive children----- and having the willingness to be there for struggling families can be a blessing not only for that family, but for your own family who can extend the hand of love and grace and be a part of a solution rather than judging the family for struggling.

As summer is approaching and kids are getting out of school, the need for respite is up. I have three families right now that are seeking families who are willing to open up their heart and home to their children for a month or two this summer. This is a huge commitment, but it would mean the world to these families who can really use the break. Back when we provided respite, it was very informal like one of our daughter's friends coming over for a week long visit. I am not sure of the comfort level that the respite needing families and respite providing families would feel with this type of arrangement, since they are not me. Somehow, even I think something more is needed in order to make sure that a clear picture of expectations is laid out for both families.

So, I came up with a few simple guidelines for families.

1) Families seeking respite need to feel comfortable with the respite family and vice versa. Honesty is crucial. What are the needs of the child? How long is the respite for? Does the respite providing family have experience and or a homestudy? Is the seeking family considering disruption?

2) Is the seeking family willing to fly the child to another state? What costs are associated with the respite? A monthly living expense allowance? A one time donation to cover extra curricular activities?

3) What legal arrangements if any? I am not familiar with the legalities of such an arrangement---- but I know I would not feel comfortable without at least a letter authorizing the respite family to seek medical attention. What about temporary guardianship? Is that even necessary? Thoughts.... suggestions??

4) Is the respite seeking family looking for something in addition to "baby-sitting" like therapeutic counseling? Clear expectations need to be revealed early on---- and respite providing families need to be upfront if they plan to talk to the child as an attempt to make things better. I am not saying this is wrong--- but if this is not discussed it can lead to both families resenting each other.