Consistency is the Key to Parenting

I need to consistently love my children.

I need to consistently give grace.

I need to consistently find new ways to encourage my children.

I need to consistently hold them to a higher standard.

I need to consistently be consistent in my parenting.

The one thing I need to stop being consistent about is my nagging.
It does no good.

In church the other day, Caleb and William were just awful. They focused on each other (in every negative way possible) instead of paying attention to the service. And I was sitting right next to them. And John and I had had our consistent "behave in church, we know you can do it" speech on the drive over. William kept looking at Caleb in the most irritating way and thought it would be cool if he could sneak a hand hold in when Caleb wasn't looking. This of course irritated Caleb (our germaphobe) who is quick to anger in a terrible way. Honestly, I spent a good part of the service trying to keep peace between the two.

"Stop it, you two," I whispered.
"William, don't look at your brother."
"Caleb, ignore him. Stop squeezing his hand."
"So help me, you will be grounded for a month."

Honestly, I was being an awful parent.... a nagging nelly....... and even though we got through the service, it was really an exhausting experience, one I didn't want to keep repeating.

In the car ride home, I told John about the specifics of their behavior. It is not like he didn't see the fidgeting going on between the three of us.

Caleb defended his behavior but I made it clear that he was the older one and that he was allowing William to be the puppetmaster. Caleb gave William the power to push his buttons--- and Caleb's anger and complete disgust with his brother only fueled William's desire to get some reaction albeit negative and painful. I told him how sad it was to me to not be able to remember a time where Caleb was nice or uplifting to his brother William. Caleb loves to have the last word about every single thing concerning William if it is a chance to put him down. Sure I could force good behavior from Caleb, but it was long overdue for Caleb to take responsibility for his mouth and break this awful cycle. I explained to Caleb how William is at an age right now where he needs not only encouraging words from his parents and other siblings-- but he especially needs some encouragement from an older brother who even though he might not show it-- really looks up to. I reminded him of how William had his own struggles and I asked Caleb the tough question, "What are you doing to be a positive person in William's life?"

William was his normal self during the discussion---- I could see an inappropriate "Mom, I don't understand what you are saying" look plastered on his face. It was frustrating to once again see the magnitude of William's inability to understand the breakdown of this relationship and what role he played in it.

Enough talking--- most of this they have all heard before.
No more nagging. Judge Mom lays down the sentence. Caleb and William forced to be in the same room together for a few hours----- next time they will be sleeping in the same bed if they so much as breathe on each other with the intent to bug. Enough was enough.

I took this opportunity to let the rest of the kids know that maximum consequences were going to be handed out from that point forward because my nagging was like "empty threats" to them. I rattled off a few fruits of the spirit and asked them to just treat each other the way they wanted to be treated.

Not ten minutes later Sveta comes into the kitchen as I am cooking lunch to tell me that Miss Anna wasn't going to let her throw a piece of trash in the girl's trash can.

So I yelled, "Anna!" (I know I'm really bad about this and need to work on it.)

"What is going on?"

She proceeded to sass defensively, "I'm tired of taking out the trash. Sveta never takes it out, so she can't use the trash can!"

"First off Anna, you need to turn your voice down and not talk to Mom that way. What do you mean you take out the trash all the time? You mean when you took the trash out this one morning because it was overflowing and I insisted you do it? You know that Caleb and Adam usually always take out the trash-- not you. And where would you have liked Sveta to put her trash? Under your pillow? In the dirty clothes hamper? Would that have been a better spot? Or do you see that using the trash can was actually a reasonable request?"

She still felt like arguing with me that she took out the trash all the time (BTW she is one of the top 3 messiest children in the family) and how Sveta is always mean to her, and Rachel always bosses her around, and Julia always puts stuff on her her bed, etc.

"Anna, just please go lay down in your bed. I told all of you that I am not going to entertain this behavior anymore without immediate consequences. Now-go-lay-down and I'll call you when lunch is ready."

Defiantly begging not to send her to bed she quickly began with her, "No.. No...No... don't send me to bed...... I will change.... I won't act like this anymore..."

"Anna, please go lay down right now if you don't want me to drag you there!" (There I go yelling again)

Feeling myself losing this parenting battle as I allowed my smallest and youngest daughter to pull my strings I reached out my hand and said, "Come on Anna, go lay down."

She continued defiantly until I grabbed her hand and marched her little self back to her bed.

Instead of willingly following me to her room, she instead pulled away as hard as she could.

Once in her room she started telling me how I had hurt her arm. Rachel and Annalyn who saw the whole thing, gave their sister the "oh brother" look and she snapped at them to.

"Anna if your arm hurts it is your own fault. Had you just followed me into your room-- better yet--- had you just listened to me when I asked you to go lay down---- even better yet--- had you just listened to my request to have a good day--- none of this would have happened."

Her arguing continued and in the end she ended up spending a good hour on her bed. I left her with the thought that if when she got up her behavior wasn't noticeably different and her heart was not repentant she would spend the rest of the day in her bed---- not a threat, but a promise.

Then it was lunch time.

And from that point on, we had one of the best behaved, everyone get-along Sundays that we had had in a long time.

Lord, help me to be consistent in your ways, and to die to self in my nagging, yelling, frustrated ways.

Micah 7:8 Though I fall, I will rise again. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord himself will be my light.