As all of you know, John and I noticed from a very early age that something was different about William. Big tears are streaming down as I type this-- there I go again--- silly me promised to stop grieving long ago and focus on all the wonderful things about my son. You know he is wonderful. From the moment that I gave birth to him and held him in my arms, and nicknamed him Winky because he had a clogged tear duct and looked like he was always winking, he has always had a special place in my heart. He slept longer than any other of my babies and my best friend was always telling me what an easy baby he was. "But just you wait, Christine... he might be easy now, but just you wait," she would say jokingly. Big sigh..... I'm beginning to think she was right.
A couple of years ago after we got Dolly our dog, I found William throwing a shoe at her cornered in the garage. I was so upset! We talked about it, punished the behavior and worked on his heart hoping he would feel something. See, I know he loves the dogs, and I assumed he just had a very bugging type personality..... and actually, the what I call "cruelty" stopped for the most part. When he had done the shoe throwing thing, we were having him evaluated by a psychologist who said that it was nothing to be alramed about, so I believed him.
But, William has also shown an attraction to fire, more so as he is getting older. This has become very apparent with at least four to six instances in the last month. Not only has he found matches at a friends house and then lit two of them, but he will do almost anything with the promise of a fire. Remember the staple incident.... I am almost positive that he knew what he was doing. This came to a head finally--- yesterday. The kids came down yelling and fighting how William could no longer be the president of their club because he tried to burn our house down. I constantly check on the kids, but with them playing in the landing upstairs in the wide open as a group of five kids, I felt confident that they did not need constant supervision. But like I said, the kids ran down screaming that William was trying to wad up paper to stuff around the lamp shade so it would touch the hot bulb. My kids are smart, so you better believe this freaked them out, as it did me. TIMEOUT. I immediately called John, and we talked. Having discussed this before, we felt that William was really needing to see fire, feel fire if that was what he was choosing , and we were withholding it from him.
As he sat down and wrote, "I will not burn down our house, " I had a very serious talk with him. I got the feeling that he is embarrassed and yet excited about his fascination with fire. It is not malicious and he seemed genuinely sorry for scaring all of us. I wanted to laugh and cry---- it was so surreal. I couldn't believe that this was my life. Here I am always hearing how adoptive children are the ones to watch out for. That's ridiculous.
After I felt confident that William understood how dangerous any type of fire activity is and how it is not okay if it is not contained and done with safety in mind, I let him play with fire.
I set up a plate with a little candle on it and gave him a few matches and some rolled up paper. We discussed how to safely keep it contained and how not to burn himself. I made sure that he does not want to get hurt or die or kill any of us. This is not his intent at all. I watched sadly from my kitchen window as I baked cookies----- one of the few kinds that William will actually eat.
I was sad and my older kids sensed it. Julia and Adam found it to be very funny and laughed at their brother who was playing with fire outside. I had to explain to them why I was allowing this. I had to explain to them that I didn't know if I was doing the right thing. I had to explain to them how I was sorry that their brother needed more attention then them because of things like this. And I was blessed. My Adam said, "Mom, you are the best Mom any of us could ever have. It is okay about William. We still love him." Just then the fire went out and he offered to go outside and relight William's candle for him as a favor to me.
John and I think this may be pyromania. William has some special needs that are already being addressed, but I think it is time to look into getting him reevaluated. No matter what, he is my smart, funny, cuddly, lovable William and I trust that we will get through this.
Sveta took this picture of me yesterday making the cookies. I was talking with William about the lamp incident.
I asked Sveta to take a picture of William and I together and this is what I got. Gotta love her!
After William was done outside, he came back in and told me with all sincerity, "Thanks Mom."
I went out looking for a fire pit for his birthday present so that we could have safe fires where he can sit and watch and roast marshmallows all the while being supervised.
***Disclaimer*** I will delete mean spirited comments.
74 comments:
Wow, I truly don't know what I would do in your situation. But I think allowing him to engage in the behavior "safely" is genius. Too often we tell our kids, "no," "no," "no," and granted it is for their safety and well-being, but often we create this mystique that is so enticing. Children have a very difficult time saying no to temptation - that's a fact of life!
You have created an atmosphere that your child can engage in a behavior safely, with the boundaries delivered by a parent, and that is admirable.
I commend you for taking the time to 'parent' your children - ALL of them. I know that seems silly, but many parents with only one or two kids don't actually take the time to parent them. You are a doing an amazing job with 11 (I think it's 11, right?). God Bless you all!
Oh Christine, I'm sorry. At the same time, I think what you did was smart. It will take the "fascination" out of it, and the temptation away. That is, unless he wants to move on to bigger and better things.... hopefully not.
We had a pyro in our house for a while. He was only 5. He got caught lighting matches while sitting on the curb between two cars. Duh.... I walked up and he burst into tears, KNOWING he was wrong. I didn't have to say anything. He handed me the matches and walked shamefully home, and didn't do it again. I later found out that that same day he tried to light the house on fire but the match kept burning out. YIKES! He is a teacher now.
My cousin had a real pyro problem and the police got involved after he lit the kitchen on fire and burned it down. He also put his hand in a BBQ, so watch William!
He is now a family man and a pastor.
All is not lost. Growing up can be confusing and painful and exciting and that is where gray hair comes from for most of parents. :)
Christine, I had no idea about William (I didn't start following your blog till you were in Ukraine getting Dennis). I think you are handling the situation you have been dealt very well.
I would say that you are an excellent, pro-active mom who is ingenius! I pray that you and John will have wisdom in how to help William through this. I LOVED the picture Sveta took of you and William! :-)
my oldest brother went through a pyro period when he was between 8 and 10, it lasted a long time. My folks found lots of burned matches in his bedroom (thrown up over his book case). And he tried to light a fire in their wooden playhouse, he would have burned his 4yo bro and him. A bit later he lit a field on fire trying to smoke a rabbit out of a hole....right!!!
Anyway, they broke him of it by purchasing a carton of book matches (this was in the early 60's) and made him light and blow out each one and put it into a bucket of sand. He did this from sun up until sun down when he finally finished the carton. Then he was allowed to eat.
Christine, you are incredible! I honestly don't know where you find the strength in moment like these to stay calm and focus on what the child needs at that moment. Letting William spend some time with fire and looking for a fire pit for him may or may not be THE answer, but I think it is incredibly powering for William, and all of your kids, that in moment such as these you remind them how much you love them and really seek to do the right thing for that child. How blessed is William that in this situation you not only guide and correct his behavior, but make cookies that he likes, let him experiment with fire and are thinking about ways to let him "enjoy" this interest safely. It is so easy for parents to simply criticize and squelch behaviors that we do not like. The thing I struggle with is reassuring the child and acknowledging the desire to do the behavior while still retaining "authority". Somehow you manage it! Just thinking about how you handled this with William will give me pause to think next time I need to correct a behavior in one of my children.
As far as dealing with W's desires long term, you obviously have to keep a very close eye on him anytime there is an opportunity to start a fire. Maybe you could take him to a local fire station and see if someone could speak with him (maybe call them ahead of time. Maybe see if he could visit a local hospital burn center or even read a blog or webpage about children with severe burns. I think you do need to maybe scare him a little bit to make sure he knows the incredible danger of fire.
Hang in there -= you are an amazing mother and your children are so lucky to have you to guide them.
Bravo, Mom, for giving him what he probably needed most - a safe place to express his curiosity and the freedom to do it. My parents did this sort of thing all the time, and I managed to grow up okay. (although my sisters would argue...*grin!*)
Just because someone is fascinated with fire doesn't mean they're going to become an arsonist. I grew up with a wood stove in our house, I got to watch fire all I wanted. I was building them by the time I was ten. Fire is fascinating - it moves all on it's own, it's warm, and different things burn differently.
I applaud you for having the courage to do what you did instead of instilling in him a fear that something was wrong with him because he likes it.
A good expiriment you may want to help him with some time is to try burning different things and watch how they behave differently. Did you know that colored newsprint will turn flame all sorts of different colors? Pine needles don't burn much, but they smoke a lot. And marshmallows will burn blue (and stink, so you might not want to do that in the kitchen. Some thing curl, others straighten, some fall apart and some stay together even when they're ash. Call it a science project!
Kudos from me!
Christine you are a great mom and handling this in a wonderful manner. He may be like my brother who was very smart and liked to try out all kinds of dangerous activity. By the way my brother is in the air force and is a pilot and loves to do dangerous missions. He is just wired that way. He set fires in the woods, in our house and nearly burned down our garage trying out one of his EXPERIMENTS.
Could be just his nature and he could be wired for dangerous missions. Praying for your family.
I guess one good thing is that he will probably make one heck of a good griller one day when you guys are cooking out! Seriously, though...I would have done the very same thing and let him play with fire in a safe, controlled environment. If he refuses, I like some other poster's idea of having him light matches from morning to night. Fight fire with fire, I say.
You are a GREAT MOM, Christine.
Praying that the Lord continues to give you wisdom as you love and care for each of your children.
Christine thank you for the comments on my blog.. I love visiting your blog and reading about your family.. You are a very strong lady.. I sometimes want to pull my hair out with only two and you seem to handle yourself with all your children.. Also I love your new picture at the top.. Thanks again and I hope that you have a happy holiday. Oh yeah on more thing ever since I seen the pomagrates on your page I had to go buy us some they were delicious...
I am sure this was difficult. Only a good and loving parent knows how to handle the situation in the heat of the moment. Re-evaluation is probably a good idea if for no other reason than to update his files. My very best thoughts to you and your family.
Christine, everytime I read one of these kinds of posts I shake my head - I LOVE the way you parent each child according to their needs and situation. Thank you for your honest heart - it is a blessing on me and helps me to be mindful in my own parenting.
Honestly I think you did the right thing. If he gets a chance to safely experience fire, it may satisfy his need for it and prevent him from hurting himself or someone else. I had an incidence where I abused one of our animals as a child and I still feel guilty about it. ( I hit the dog several times) I'm normal now and I never did it again and I LOVE animals now with all my heart, not sure why I ever did it in the first place. I think your boy will be fine. Prayers.
My son loves candles, fires and the like. While he isn't as careless about lighting it in the house, he certainly is just as fasinated by flames, fireplaces, fire pits and the like. He constantly wants to do fireworks, or do the orange peels sparks over the kitchen stove. While William may be on the edge, I think a lot of boys this age are absolutely into fire and its destruction. When I was growing up the boys on my street this age were lighting firecrackers and blowing up frogs in the ditch. I can assure they all grew up to be normal men and fathers. I understand your concern, but most moms I know say if their boys aren't destroying or trying to burning down the house or building something, they must be sick.
Have you shown him how orange peals spark? My son LOVES this!-I can thank his nannies DH for showing him that when 5!!
Remember those branding iron stick kits from the 70's? you could burn your own belt buckle or burn designs into wood... we burnt ourselves mostly!!
yeah...that´s good that you said him why it´s not good to play with the fire...I hope everything will be back to "normal" soon. The photo of you and William is perfect - I can see all the cookies so the most important thing is captured there :D ...it made me feel hungry-I should bake something...hmmm :P
good luck!
PS:when my sister was small she had higher interest in fire than "normaly" ..but nothing happened and now I can hardly remember this period of our lifes...
WOW, way to go keeping a level head! I am all for the science experiment (I love the fun experiments). My thought on it was perhaps showing how different things around the house burn. Different fabrics can behave unexpectedly, Nylon burns instantly and melts (you can explain that many clothes have nylon and imagine if it melted to your skin, they have to remove your skin to get it off) some things create more embers than others (can cause a fire to spread around the house without that being the original intention), fat fires cant be put out with water, neither can electrical (a small fire in these situations can get out of hand very quickly) I guess safely showing him the potential of a small "harmless" fire.
Hmmmm....I think you are doing the right thing. My oldest son burned our house down when he was 4...It was an accident in that he had somehow found a grill lighter in the garage I didn't know we had and was "playing" fire truck in the garage. When the investigation took place and they said they thought he started it I went nuts!! No way!! But yet, he later showed me where he hid the lighter. He was so sorry, scared and sad. We just don't make a big deal about it now, 5 years later. Sometimes we gently joke about it. Really, there is nothing wrong with him. He has never shown an interest in fire after that. He was simply curious.
I don't think it's unusual for many little boys to be fascinated with fire. And guns, and war, and things that explode and make loud noises and scare the daylights out of other kids. In the old days it was slingshots, pocket knives ... this is not news in raising boys.
I myself remember setting a stack of newspapers on fire in my childhood home with my brothers. Where my parents were, I don't know, but we had the sense to put it out pretty quickly once it started. I also once decided to make hot fudge (again where were my parents? I have no clue) by putting a closed glass jar of fudge sauce directly into a saucepan and turning on the electric stove. I don't know what angel sent me into the next room when I heard the "kablammm!" and went back into the kitchen to find fudge and glass all around the walls in the kitchen.
And, you know, here I am today, kids of my own, adoptive and bio parent like yourself. Good citizen.
Likewise, my oldest son has given and continues to give me years of this kind of stuff. When he was younger it was putting rocks in the tailpipe of our cars, or change into CD players, VCR's, anything he could "feed" money into. We didn't get to the point where he was sticking forks into electric sockets, but I will never forget the day at the backyard BBQ where I turned around and he (4) had in each hand, the huge barbeque fork AND the flame-thrower at one time. Even just a year ago, he decided it was a good idea to snap several spoons and forks in half. Just to see if he could do it. (He could.)
He's also an A student, never had a detention, plays 3 sports and IS a good kid. Just a handful and a half. When they get to be 40, there are still those of them who think it's fun to get into a car and go 100 miles an hour. And they still like to stoke the fireplace way too high for my taste. ("now THERE's a fire!")
I have heard child-raising described, jokingly, but kind of not, as being your job to get the kids to the age of 18 without killing themselves. Because you know, without supervision and direction, that's what they would do.
In my situation I know an old friend who blew off half his hand when he was a kid with a cherry bomb on the 4th of July. I made sure to introduce my kids to him, and he was all about showing them his hand. I have never had arguments about fireworks anywhere near this house.
Likewise, you know the expression, "play with fire and you're bound to get burned" ... a little burn goes a long way. The little experiment you seemed to have going on the sidewalk looked fairly controlled, and supervised. My guess is if he burns a finger there, that may solve your problem.
2 other ideas ... contact your local fire dept. for ideas, or find a burn survivor message board online. There may be a burn survivor in your area who would be willing to come to your house, or let you come visit them, where one cautionary tale, with visuals to boot, may do the trick in showing your son that fire is no game.
But, seriously, I think fascination with fire is a quite natural inclination for many boys. You just have to address it, and it sounds like you are.
here you go!
http://nicholasacademy.com/scienceexperiment266orangeflash.html
you might find some more experienments basedo on heat, tap into the scientific angle. Maybe have him do a science fair project on heat, flammability, etc. Make it more everday then super exciting and it might take the interest down a bit. Take the kids on a fire station tour and make sure the fire department guy pays a little special attention to William when explaining fire safety, etc.
Ok, first take a deep breath! It's not the end of the world.. Many kids have different ways of expressing certain feelings that they may be having. I think the fire pit is a good idea but you MUST show him that there is a time and a place with supervision to use it. You can all roast marshmallow, put hot dogs on a stick and have each child cook their own ETC.. ( I have a few fire pit recipes, lol)
William could be feeling maybe a little left out because of having so many brothers and sisters, or that Dennis persay might get some special attention because he is new to the family. Possibly therapy might help but I honestly would not be embarrased about this.. Maybe when he is bad give him possitive reinforcement... I know you do anyways but maybe since he has issues as you mentions he might need more attention and convincing that he is loved..
Is he on meds for the Autism? My neice has a mild case of Autism but she is not in a special class. They feel if she is witha mainstream class she will copy their ways..
Listen, I know you might be scared and think all kinds of stuff in your head, thats fine you are normal!
William is such a sweet looking boy. I swear he reminds me of Prince Charming... lol
Take it one step at a time and yes take him to therapy and just see some possible things you can do to help him...
Remember he is still being a boy.. Boys like weird and dangerous stuff! Hope you feel better...
You did a great job. We never know if we are doing the right thing as parents - especially in extreme situations. But my instinct would have spoken like yours : catharsis catharsis catharsis! Kill the mystery and the intrigue by letting him do it in a controlled situation. Of course you are also right in seeking further advice and consultation, but you have SO taken a step in the right direction. In my humble opinion at any rate!!! Well done!
Just wanted to tell you that I think you did the right thing and I admire the fact that in a moment of high anxiety on your part, you were able to think of a safe way to help your son and address the issue at the same time. I also admire the fact that you are "real" with your other kids and that you admit that you are not perfectbut you are doing the best that you can because you love them. I think you are teaching them far more than you realize.
I pray that I can have the presence of mind to always see the need behind the behavior with my kids.
You are the best mom. With love and prayer, you will help William be all he can be. :-)
You are a good mom!! My younger brother was a pyro. He would sneak matches into the bathroom and burn all of my mom's make-up in the bathtub. He was obsessed. My parents tried the controlled fire thing but it just wasn't enough. They took him to our local firestation and the chief talked to him about fires and showed him some very graphic pictures. He has been fine ever since.
Thanks for posting this. I'm always looking for ways to change things up and help children really understand what the problem is. I think you are on the right track.
We are having a lot of issues with Adam. In fact his math teacher called today to say he is defiant in class. Adam had a thing about fires and was recommended for a fire starter program our city has. The kids are taken through a fire safety class but they also have to sign a sworn affadavit that if they intentionally set another fire which causes damage to people or property they will be sent away to a special program for 18 mo. away from friend and family. It sounds tough but it's for the kids who understand what they are doing but still engage in the behavior.
I think what you are doing with W. is fine for him. Just know you are not alone. It sounds like you are right on top of things.
Just to add my 2 cents to the good ideas offered above, I remember that when I was a child, friends of my parents got their son involved in a "junior firefighter" program with the local fire department because he showed an interest in fire. There were two sides to the benefits of this. One was that it showed him the destructive and dangerous side of fire and taught him a healthy respect for it, but the other was to show him that there are positive and productive adult roles in society for people interested in fire. In particular, arson investigators study fire and need to know things about what burns how and under which conditions, as people above have suggested William might like to learn. That kind of knowledge combines both fun and an awareness that if fire is truly his passion (or one of his passions), there are great ways to use that gift to contribute to society. Maybe your local fire department offers a similar kind of program that might interest William?
Your honest pain caused my heart to hurt for you, and your boy. Sometimes children are born with things wrong that don't always show on the outside. Your kids are right, your whole family is blessed to have you as a mother.
I think you did a great thing with turning the "no" into a learning experience. And I always think that natural consequences are the best for learning. So as long as he realizes the boundaries of outside fire then a little finger burn might be a good thing. I remember burning my finger on a candle and it stopped me from touching them.
I agree that its a great idea to give him safe and positive ways to deal with fire. If its something he can learn about and control, and he can spend time doing things with fire without having to skulk around and be secretive about it, thats gotta be much healthier. And who knows... there are future careers that involve being an expert about fire. Maybe you can help William turn his dangerous fascination into a talent he can use in the future!
Hi Christine!
My heart goes out to you.... Thankfully, you are aware of the fascination and are pro-active in teaching your children right from wrong. I have to agree with so many others who commented - take him to the fire department or if you have a Dept of Natural Resources office (wildfires) near you for some one on one time with those people. Another good idea is to volunteer for the Red Cross who helps families who have lost everything in a house fire.. maybe seeing more of the reality of actions might hit home
Hugs!
Christine, We were on the same road you find yourself on with William. One of our sons also had a fascination with fire. He lit a napkin in a candle and put it in the trash can. Fortunately I caught it before it lit the drapes and was able to get it out. He was only four at the time. We were almost ready to take him to a burn unit in a hospital to show him just how serious fire is. I like your idea of providing a safe outlet for him to discover in. Our son is now a teenager and doesn't seem in danger of burning the house down but still loves fire.
Tracey
i have no idea about what one should actually do in this situation, but your creative "out of the box" thinking is to be admired. I don't know if i would have thought to actually allow him to play with the fire. perhaps there are other things you can do, but for now it sounds like you are using the creative wisdom that God gives you.
As I was reading this I thought it was odd at first, mostly because I have never known a person/child with this much of a "fire fetish" sure, my boy cousins were enthralled with fire works, and I played with the flame of a candle when I was younger but, not really fixated by it.
Then, I thought of toddlers who are amazed by water and get a sink full of water with various things to sink, float or mix in it, or parents who make a mud pit int he back yard for their dirt and puddle lovers, or any sort of thing like that... heck, kids who like bugs get Ant farms for Christmas....and when my little brother was into charlie horsing his sisters, he was given a punching bag (which worked to get him to stop punching us by the way)....
I think this was handled wisely for the place you are all in. It makes sense to me, especially if Williams understand he can't just go off and play with fire whenever he wants, and wherever he wants. It sound like after a little bit of safe play, he felt satisfied....
Oh how hard parenting seems. I can't wait for those days but, stories from blogs and friends make me remember to enjoy these days that are filled with walking my dog and writing papers :)
I think it was a good idea to let him play with fire in a safe way ( I don't have time to read the other comments now so I don't know what has already been offered) If he feels you are going to meet this need he may be less inclined to seek it out in an unsupervised way. I'm not experienced in any kind of special needs parenting so this is really just my little thoughts.
Christine: I know this must have been so difficult to write out. I know you love William and he has so many positives. I commend you for allowing him to use the fire in a safe place. I wouldn't have thought of that. Our Curtis set our other house on fire in March of this year and it burned. I was in the shower when it happened. I was so sad for a long time. William's and Curtis's behaviors are very similar. I think allowing him to be re-evaluated is a good idea. You are amazing in how you parent all your kids. I appreciate you and keeping it real!
I just realized that my son is alot
like William. He does not have special needs- but is very picky with food- It has to be the correct
brand on the correct plate etc.
He is also VERY fascinated with fire. I like you have decided
not to fight it- He is 14 so I
let him light small fires in our yard -they only last seconds-
under my supervision and
with a bucket of water. He
also has to light our barbecue
and any candles we light. I
have to say it is better to expose
them to this if they are so
facinated- because it seems
to be less thrilling to him.
Now if I can only get him to eat a sandwich..
Good luck Christine!
Lucie
Do not be embarrassed... you are amoung so many friends. Also, you did not "do" anything to "cause" this. You and John are taking steps for safety and making sure William is okay. Rest in the powerful arms of God.
First of all I have to say that, that is a lovely picture that Sveta took of William and your chest. Lol!
I know I've mentioned this to you before, that my oldest son has a mild form of Asperger's syndrome. He has had a few different fixations in his lifetime...chimneys(he used to meticulously draw all kinds), pipes, vacuum cleaners(he builds them now),pool drains, and the latest is fire alarms. He does like to burn things too, but he doesn't have a fixation with fire as it seems William does. It must be scary to have him have a fixation with something that could harm him or others. I think it's good that you let him play with it safely outside. Hopefully, his fixation will soon change to something else. Thanks for sharing this.
Wow....I honestly don't know what to think. I would , and I know you already are, seek profesional help.
I am not being judgemental, but what if he got hurt outside playing with the fire.
Keeping you and yours in my thoughts and prayers
Oh Christine, parenting is so scary sometimes....but God is near and He will give wisdom to those who ask. He gives grace to the humble.... and I truly believe He is with you...
When my little brother was 8 or 9 years old, he was also fascinated with fire. At the time, back in the 70's, we had a summer camp, and each day we burned the paper stuff.....so, my mother made it his job to burn the paper each day.....she tried to make it like it was a chore, and he HAD to do it everyday, and I think it quenched his fascination a bit....
And isn't it nice how when you have so many kids they come running to you when one of them does something questionable?
I think taking the mystery out of it is a great idea. I hope I can think "out of the box" like you can when I need to!
You're an amazing mother!
I'll pray for wisdom for you and your husband as you deal with this situation.
I will admit that at first I was a little skeptical about letting a child who seems to be preoccupied w/ fire play with fire. However, I thought about it for a minute and think that what you are doing is a really smart idea. So often children are just told no. "No" may temporarily stop a behavior but it doesn't always prevent it from happening again. Giving a child a more positive way to direct his behavior is much better than the typical no. Child sometimes need to be given options in order to learn to behave appropriately. So, good job! You have given William an opportunity to fulfill his interest in a safe and appropriate way. A fire pit sounds like a good birthday idea - it will give William a specific place where it is safe to have a fire and it can also be a fun family bonding activity. You seem like a great parent so I am sure that you will do your best to make sure that him and the rest of your family stays safe.
I also like the suggestions that others have posted about having William (and even the rest of the family) meet with a firefighter so that they can gain an appreciation for fire and also an understanding of its danger.
You seem like an excellent parent and I am sure William will do well because you have his best interests in mind.
I must say that the way you deal with situations are always inspirational. Instead of merely reacting, you come up with smart ways to parent. I'm sure there is no one right answer to every situation, just as there are no 2 kids truly alike. What I love about you is your ability to really look at the heart of each child and make your parenting decisions accordingly. Blessings to you Christine!
"I wanted to laugh and cry---- it was so surreal. I couldn't believe that this was my life."
I can't tell you how those words resonated.
I'll pray for you and hope all works out well.
Many a boy has had a fascination with fire and my brother was a pyro, burning our toys at the stake and pinning grasshopers to firecrackers...He did grow out of it...the strange stuff...but still gets excited to build a fire in the fireplace or campfire! I think you did fine by having a supervised lesson. Much like the boy scouts do!
I think that you are a great mum! What you did (allowing safe play) is a good way to teach him about the dangers & responsiblities that go along with fires. Thanks for sharing!
I agree with you that having him re-evaluated is a good idea.
I also feel that seeing if there is some sort of junior fire marshall program in your area would be a positive learning experience for him. He'd learn a lot and have it in a structured environment.
Who said that being a parent was easy? I can imagine how difficult it was for you to open up on this subject.
Wow, Christine! You continue to amaze me. I love the way you handle each of your children they way they need to be parented! Thanks for keeping it real. I think a lot of parents (me included) could learn a lot from you! (((HUGS)))
Please post again when the next surgery is for Dennis as I'd like to send along a package.
♥ Fire has always been a huge scare for me! It sounds like you guys are doing great! I'm not so sure I would be as calm! Sounds like he's very intrigued with it. And what a blessing that the other kids know to keep an eye on it! :)
Being a mom is the hardest, sometimes saddest but best thing in the world. Hugs and Prayers for you.
Christine~ Thanks for your honesty as always! I just want to encourage you that I think you handle that in a great way...allowing him to handle his curiousity under parental supervision and in a healthy way! Not only that, but I believe that when we are seeking the Lord in a situation and we dont quite know what to do for sure yet...I believe God's mercy and grace will be there if we don't get it just right and we can trust Him to work all things together for our good! I need this mercy and grace all the time :) It sounds to me like you made a very wise decision...I pray that God will give you further wisdom in this area when it is needed!
Melanie
Like everyone else said...you are such a good mom, Christine! I think you are doing the best thing by allowing William to play with fire safely and under your supervision. I remember going through a "pyro" period myself, though not quite to this extent, and my parents allowed me to play with candles on the dining room table. I soon got over it. I will be praying for wisdom for you and your husband in this.
This post made me really feel your love for William. I know that you love all your children and it hurts to see any of them do things that make you worry. I have said this before but William reminds me a lot of Lane :)
I love how you have taken the time to show him about fire... this the best way to learn! After I would have calmed down.. I probably would have done the same thing!
I think the firepit is a great idea for his birthday :) After all this... you never know he may grow up to be a Firefighter !!
Keep up the good work!
Blessings!
Praying for you as you try to figure out how to help William and give him opportunities to experiment safely.
Alan had a real thing for fires when he was young and I won't even go into some of his cruel behavior. He has turned out okay now:)
I have read your blog for sometime. (Dennis and his entire journey, got me totally hooked!) But, this is the first time I really felt the need to comment.
I wish I could hold your hand and let you know that as a Mom, you did such a great thing. By discussing this situation with William, honestly and openly, you have set him up to come to you more often when this need or urge ever hits him. Even better, you let him experiment with a candle, while you watched. This gave him the opportunity to really let his building curiousity take off and see what can happen with fire. This is so much better than attacking the behavior and having him hide this feeling only to experiment by himself where someone could seriously get hurt. You never know, maybe by just allowing him the simple try of the candle, may squash the desire to see what I can melt or burn, etc. Sometimes things are not as appealing, when considered taboo, as when they have been discussed and a reality check kicks in.
I am a mother of 2 daughters in Oklahoma. My eldest has Asperger's Syndrome and I more than understand little quirks, outbursts and obsessive behaviors. Trust me, you did great Christine.
Sending invisible holding of hands,
Kellie Bassett
Mother of Haleigh(10) and Averee(8)
I love that you didn`t freak out and you gave him a safe outlet for his fascination. You know, you`ve faced a lot of challenges with your children and they are all doing so well. I`m sure you will do just fine with William.
Remember, fire is a science unto itself. I think you are right to let him explore this area- if you did not, it would always preoccupy him and lead to the sneakiness that you don't want, especially with fire.
Maybe he'll turn out to be a great fire scientist some day! Or, maybe a firefighter! Both are honorable professions.
You could also take him to visit a hospital's burn unit- talk about keeping things real!! Wow!
Shauna
Good grief! If the response to this post doesn't make you feel loved, then nothing will! I think you have some good friends out her in cyberspace.
Oh, and call me odd, but I want to know how the orange peel thing works! I've never heard of that before, and I'm going grocery shopping on Thursday. Do I need to make a trip to the citrus section??
I think you are a fabulous mom - I think it's great that you were able to think of that temporary solution. I hope I can have the presence of mind to step back from situations and handle them as effectively as you have! I am amazed that you are able to parent 11 children! I know my twin girls are a handful. :)
Hi Christine,
I think you are very smart in letting him explore fire with supervision. I belive by you letting him do it probably reduced any chances of him feeling "weird" or "different". My brother's friend had this issue but his parents always tried to change him and deny any issues he had (he suffered from many). One day, he burned down my mother's HUGE Evergreen tree, she had his arrested because she felt that was the only way he could get the help he needed and it worked. His arrest forced his parents to face his issues and get him the help he needed. He was 15 at the time and a total mess. He is now a successful 32 year old with a wife and family. Praise God!
You did the right thing, don't second guess it. Bravo!
Praying for William!
Hugs,
Amy
Good for you and John.
Oh Christine,
I got all teary when I read your post. I have some "odd" behaviors in my son also. He seems fascinated with fire and LOVES camp fires etc. I don't know that I would have thought of letting him play outside with fire like that, that was really inspirational. But then as I'm thinking of it, when we were camping this summer I let my son burn different things because he was fascinated with how they burned etc.
Making a science project/experiments out of it sounds like a great idea. Using it as just a normal part of God's creation. Something He has given us as a gift to keep us warm and a tool to use for food and for light. Maybe he can look fire up in the Bible and do a mini study on it as it relates to God's word.
So many good ideas from so many wonderful ladies. You are VERY wise to share with others, as it not only helps them, but may help you. It is a win/win situation.
Praying for you all.
Sending hugs.
This is not your fault.
I agree with what so many others have said;
Call the local fire department and speak to the chief. They are always happy to give fire safety talks.
I think what you did with William is a great idea. He is curious and its been forbidden.
I also think those who suggested contacting the fire department and the burn unit of a hospital are brilliant. Make an entire study of fire.
You did a great thing letting him explore. I saw my brother explore and I wanted to do this too. But since nobody taught me about Fire and how dangerous it was. I burned down our home, when I was 5. You are a great mom. God has given you wisdom. Don't doubt that.
God Bless
Big hugs for you! How stressful. Safety of our kids is always a scary thing. I am glad to hear that William is getting the evaluations he should. I am also quite sympathetic. I LOVED to burn stuff when I was a kid too. Fortunately my dad had been a fireman and he taught me how to experiment...and NOT in the house!!! If I were playing in the yard, I'd better be away from the cars and houses.. no matter that it was cinderblock, they can burn down too (I've seen it happen). I'd better have a bucket or hose or something to put out any fire too. Better yet, we had a big charcoal grill - I had permission to use that. I only got in trouble once, for smacking an entire giant roll of paper caps (for cap guns) with a hammer - it made an amazing explosion and caught fire. Dad yelled until he got over thinking someone may have really shot me (bad neighborhood) and then told me not to do that again, and walked off.
I learned not to hide, to not lie about playing with matches or whatever I was experimenting with, to not lie about what I saw other people doing(!), and to be safe. I still think fire is fascinating - but I've never burnt down anything accidentally and never hurt myself or anyone, well, I did take someone's eyebrow off with a trick once... but he was an adult and didn't do as I told him, he even admitted it was his fault. I still find watching candles burn or incense smoke to be very soothing. Must be a primitive, cave-dwelling throw-back thing??
I guess that what I'm trying to say is... I think it was great that you let him experiment. I know that if I'd been told no as a kid, I'd have done it anyway. If it's just a simple fascination (it IS fascinating!) - then you're giving him a way to explore. If it is a truly irresistible urge... ok, I'm not a pro, get the eval, but wouldn't it be best for him to have a safe outlet for the urge, to learn how to get through it without causing damage? I dunno about you, but I'd rather be asked "Mom, can I go play with the grill?" than find burnt matches under a bed. Good luck, and much love and prayers for all.
It's a natural curiosity which you are satisfying by the supervised playing. When I first was at George's home, the old couch in the family room had a very suspicious burn mark. I had remembered the story as Brad did it. But when I brought it up to George recently, he said it was John who was the culprit. I guess this is what is known as a senior moment. You'll have to let me know what John remembers.
We have been through this also a few years ago. Very scary! One thing I did was I took my son to the fire station and had him speak to the fire chief. He told him about risking his life to put out fires, had me look up pictures of fire victims on the internet and walked him around the fire station. Kids are so hard sometimes. Who knows, maybe William will become a fireman someday. :)
I know I'm late on this, but I just wanted to say I think you did a good job. I truly don't know what I would do in that situation. It's scary...especially combined with the other stuff that you have mentioned. But like so many other people have said, it's normal for boys at that age to have a fascination with things like this. You just have to be on the alert to make sure that he doesn't take it to the next level, especially now that he feels like now there is an acceptance of it. As long as he realizes that the acceptance has conditions (safety, etc), and not a free-range, no-bars allowance, then it sounds like a great plan and I think it'll be good. If you see that it starts to go to that next level, then you'll know that maybe you need a new approach.
I know it's so hard to address the individual challenges and needs and each of your children, and to treat them as individuals. But I think you are doing a fantastic job. Even if W does have pyromania, with your love and support that doesn't have to be a negative or life-hindering thing. Like you said, it's just a rolling hill you'll get over eventually, together. :)
Christine,
Just wanted to thank your for sharing. Oh and Please visit my blog to meet my new son-- Nicholas!
Lea
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