Adopting through a disruption is a huge decision. There is an unspoken expectation that this placement is to be the last placement--- period. It should also be known that mostly older children are disrupted--- above the age of 9. And regardless of whether or not you choose to believe it or not--- these children come to their new families broken and hurting------ and a band aid won't fix it. These children deserve a family that will be with them through thick and thin--- even when they are at their worst.
I have found that these children offer the biggest reward a parent can ever have---- if they are willing to step out of the boat with their mind forever reminded of God's grace and power to heal and change anyone, and their heart able to love even when there's a chance they might not get anything in return.
With that said, I appreciate all of the families that have emailed me about adopting through a disruption. I am just worried that some of you (not all) think that these children are going to be free of issues------ like the first family just couldn't bond or were just too hard on the child. Even if this was true, the child would at least have abandonment and attachment type issues because of the disruption from their first family.
I am no way discouraging you by any means, but I am asking that you carefully consider the possible issues before inquiring about a child, at least that I am advocating for. These issues include anger issues, lying, manipulating, being physical, peeing, pooping, triangulating, academic delays, emotional issues, sexually acting out, and suicidal thoughts. Again I am not trying to discourage you-----my own daughters had many of these issues in their previous families too, but I am trying to inform you so that you don't waste your time inquiring about a child unless you are ready to at least deal with some of these issues.
I personally think that these children also need some time to be the "new" child in the family. I give a minimum of nine months (the length of a pregnancy) for them to not have to compete with the attention of another "new" child in the home. You may not agree with this, but from my experience and discussion with other adoptive families, I have come to the conclusion that this is the optimal environment for a child through a disruption to be able to have this time for adjustment and attachment. I have heard all too often that issues become more apparent when a new baby is born or another child joins the family before the disrupted child has had enough time to bond and have some of their issues worked through. When this happens, a parent can easily become more focused on the "easier" child just because they are not having these same difficult issues and end up exacerbating the situation.
With all that said, my desire is to have even more families come forward with the desire to adopt an older child through a disruption because they now have a little more info to prepare themselves for parenting a child that is coming from a disruption. These children need a fresh start with a family who is willing to love and help them even though they have not yet learned how to express their true feelings, control their emotions, or live life the way it was meant to be lived within the loving boundaries of a forever family.
P.S. If you have adopted a child through a disruption/dissolution I would love for you to share your story.
13 comments:
I am really interested in adopting through disruption in the future. I am learning so much from your posts
Thanks
Sorry to comment out of order here, but your post today reminded me of your post a couple days ago (that I forgot to come back and comment on at the time! :)) and I think the ministry and heart you have for these kids and families (on both sides) is great. It is sad that there is a need for such a thing, but there is, and you are filling a niche (maybe even a void) and there. I love the idea of the book you mentioned writing too, about challenging families to do things differently for a period of time and recommit. Adoption and marriage have SO many parrallels. I hope you're writing away on that on that book and best of luck with it!
Our adopted daughter came to us with the emphatic statement that she did NOT want to be adopted, she was happy to live in the orphanage forever. We overlooked this potential redflag and pressed on because there was just something about her that we could not resist the pull. We found out later (in Russia, on one of our trips) that she had been adopted (or taken home with the intent to adopt -- I don't think it ever finalized) by a Russian couple the previous year, who returned her after just a few weeks, and I'm sure now that had something to do with her statement. Thankfully, for us, she quickly changed her mind, and after a few days with us told our translator, "THESE parents, I will take. (big sigh.)" I think to this day, she thinks she "shopped" for us! lol. I'm so thankful that her abandonment issues have been minor (well, you know what I mean, abandonment is never a trivial thing.)
Thank you for sharing this. I have two difficult sons. I think one is starting to catch on--and we've had him 13 years!
But the other is 15 and we have accepted that he is not the son we had thought we were adopting. People have told us that if we just accept him and love him more (or just like "our own") he will be fine. They would see him at church giving all the right answers and being a saint and couldn't see why we were having problems with him. I's sure they all thought they could do better.
It is a really icky feeling when a a child tells other people that you starve him, lock him in a closet (please, our closets don't even have locks!), won't let him use the toilet, don't give him clothes and on and on to both get sympathy and to watch you go through yet another investigation.
It's hard to have a child with no attachment because they are totally indifferent to your feelings, no feeling of loyalty or protecting family members and that kind of thing.
People need to be prepared for the things you've said--lying-oh yeah, stealing--yep, from you and from the school and be prepared for them to tell the school they have to steal because you starve them, peeing on things -- yep, and down the air conditioner too.
I wouldn't discourage people but they need to really, really understand what they may get into. And if it all seems to be going perfectly the first sixth months, then you really have problems.
Three things: I found your comment/suggestion about giving the "new" child at least 9 months to bond and attach to the family a very good point.
Second, what do you recommend to potentional adopters on how to prepare for these disrupted children - read books, take parenting classes, talk to other adopters, etc.?
Third, my DH and I are just starting to consider adoption (he is dragging his feet despite my intense urge and desire to be a mom) so I pray that he will be open to opening his heart and mind to helping a child and giving them the love and direction they need.
Thank you for posting this.
Since we are 'one of those families' who disrupted...I often think and pray about our son and the situation that he may or may not have went into.
One important thing that "I" feel is really important will be discussed on my 'other' blog in a day or so. You've encouraged me to do so. :) Thanks!!
gala
I have to say a minimum of a year to make it feel like this is "your" child and the child feels like it's "his" family. This is just my experience. We had a heck of a time with Rauan--violent, agressive, acting out. It took about a year for him to settle and there are still issues and he has been home for over 3 years!! But we press on. He is 100xs better and the issues are less and less as time passes. But it isn't easy. Adoption is not for the weak at heart. There are uncertainities--working in pediatrics there is even that with biological children. However, I think some people feel more control with biological children.
A friend of mine recently adopted through disruption. I'm watching your blog and her adoption process with interest. I also know a family that has adopted a couple of children through disruption. The stories I've heard!!! It's a challenge and I admire those who do it. I'm not brave enough--yet!
Christine: you never cease to amaze me with your eloquence in how you write concerning your passion of adoption and the issues pertaining to it. We have a very difficult child who is our bio child with a lot of issues that you mentioned. Granted, his issues are acting out from a very confused brain problem, but he has always needed the boundaries of a loving family. Although, I do not quite understand why a family would just give up, I appreciate their honesty in letting someone else (like you) know they really need help. It's people like you who are non-judgemental that make these families feel OK with their decision and then on top of that, your willingness to help find a new home for the child. I hope you are blessed beyond measure for what you do.
We adopted a child through the disruption of another family. She was 4 and is now 5 and 1/4.
Kathy is dead-on with her short list of possible issues. And yes, I did mean to say her list is short. Sometimes the child and family come out the other side intact. Sometimes not.
I have a blog that goes into this a bit. Thankfully my daughters adoption and its importance to our lives gets to be less every day. So my blog is more about general family things but if you are interested it is
www.theaccidentalmommy.blogspot.com
I have adopted three kids through foster care. Technically two of my kids have not been finalized yet but that is neither here nor there because they were MINE from the moment I laid eyes on them.
My first two kids had both been disrupted. Tara, age 13.5, is a difficult child with enormous issues and disabilities that result from broken attachments and fetal alcohol brain damage. We went in eyes wide open and were still surprised each day by the horrors that she brought into our home. But things did get better. It takes a LOT of time and unwavering commitment and therapy and specialists and patience and an ability to handle incredible amounts of stress under fire. Love is not enough. You need so much more than just love. Anxiety medication helps, too (for me, not her). LOL! It took at least two years before we were ready to think about adopting again.
Toby was also disrupted. It hasn't been as scary with him because we had done it all before. Plus, there were trauma issues with his prior placement that once he got away from, he improved. At seven months home, we are now his longest placement and haven't had any problems that I consider stressful (yet he pees EVERYWHERE, breaks EVERYTHING, acts out sexually, lies and steals constantly, and has regular night terrors). For me, this stuff is not bad because none of it is about ME. I didn't do it. Plus, he shows emotions and is attached to us. Tara is just barely getting to that point after 2.5 years.
No matter what, they are amazing, wonderful kids. I am so blessed to have them call me "Mom".
And Christine, I am glad you are clamping down on the negative commenters. They were scaring me away. So judgmental. I don't need that. I have enough to deal with and so do you.
As for a timeframe for adopting again, some say a year, some say two. I say it depends on the child. It took two after Tara. It only took 5 months after Toby. But he KNEW our next son and had been in a placement with him before so it was like welcoming old family.
We have adopted from disruption. (sorry to be late on this but just got home from the hospital a few days ago with dd)
Our little one had a horrific background. She was adopted from Ukraine, then endured 10 months in a family that was falling apart and couldn't handle her. (she was 5)
When we got her, she was a fireball. :)
Because we had already adopted from Foster Care, which was like a disruption as dd THOUGHT the family she was with was going to adopt her, we had dealt with alot of the issues you mentioned above. We also took some extensive classes available through Child Protective Services, to help prepare us for the worst case scenario.
I think anybody who adopts SHOULD be prepared and ready for anything. Then, if things aren't so difficult, you are blessed.
Both our dd's I have written about are doing wonderfully. And the one we adopted from disruption at nearly 6 years old, very, very rapidly connected, bonded and hasn't looked back. She still has fears relating to her past but they are very manageable.
This type of parenting isn't for everybody and it would be wise to really do an introspective check to be sure, before moving ahead into a disruption situation.
Are you willing to face the possibility that you will give, give, give and not receive anything back?
Are you willing face that things may get broken or ruined?
Are you willing to deal with a child standing up and peeing all over themselves?
How will you deal with Habitual lying?
What about a child who is so used to taking care of themselves they cannot allow YOU to take care of them, so they make sure they will not love you?
ALL these things can be worked through, but it really is dependent upon YOUR reaction or action to them and how you handle the stress.
STRONG MARRIAGE IS A PREREQUISITE!
If not, become a big brother or sister.
Have you read "Building the Bonds of Attachment-Awakening Love in Deeply Troubled Children" By Daniel Hughes? I really thought it was a great eye-opener into the situations you explain in this post. IMO, it would be a great read for those thinking about adopting a child from disruption/dissolution.
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