My husband was talking to one of his co-workers a while back. I forget how the subject came up, but this man was telling John how all of his kids waited to have a boyfriend or girlfriend until they were out of high school. This really intrigued John and so he inquired further and found out that this man had began telling his children around the age that they were getting interested in the opposite sex, that school work and God needed to come first and that there would be plenty of time for relationships later. Having casual friends was okay but absolutely no dating until they graduated. I'm sure that there is so much more to the story, but after John shared the story with me, we were both left with more questions about how something like this could actually really work.
We really love the idea since we both wish that we had only been with each other, but to actually relay this to our children and get them to fully understand and embrace our same desires is probably going to be a full time job if not next to impossible. With all of the outside influences that my children are faced with everyday, they have a lot of peer pressure to stand up against.
Now I could probably take them out of the public school system and home school and have a good amount of control over who they get crushes on and so forth. But because John and I believe that our children are learning how to stand up against many of these pressures in school, thus preparing them for the real world, and that they are salting the path for their fellow classmates, public school is and will remain the best option for our family.
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My strong desire for my kids to protect their hearts and wait until they are out of high school before they get serious with a boy or girl is going to have to be explained to them in a way that makes them think that I have their best interest at heart, which I do, and I am not just being some strict, controlling, old-fashioned, uncool, battle axe of a mom.
That is where I was truly blessed through my friend Denise who happened to bring up this subject the last time we were sipping coffee at Starbucks late one night. She put my thoughts and feelings into words that I had been searching for to share with some of my older kids. I listened and was able to later share with my two older boys.
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Of course we want our kids to wait to have sex until they are married, but honestly, I want so much more for them which means them having to wait to do so much more too. I want them to wait to get seriously involved with someone. I want them to wait fall in love. I even want them to wait before they start focusing on looks to the point of infatuation. Basically, I don't even want them to have crushes because they think someone is cute.
Sounds ridiculous, I'm sure. But let me share why I want them to wait.
As it is, I'm already late coming to my two older boys who in their minds believe that they have already had a girlfriend. If you ask them, they have both had the boy-girl relationship where they think a girl is cute, they find that that girl likes them back, they have a friend ask if she wants to be go around, she says yes, they flirt with each other but never even hold hands or sit by each other, then they find out that she thinks some other guy is cute, so they break up after two weeks. Can you picture it?
I want my kids to avoid even this scenario in the future.
First off, marriage is a one time commitment, or at least we are teaching our kids that it is. So if marriage is a one time thing, why is it okay to have numerous, frivolous boy-girl relationships leading up to it?
Second, if marriage is such a special thing and your spouse is supposed to be the one that you save yourself for, why would you want to have had numerous other people in your past that you had essentially given a piece of your heart to by getting involved with them first? Each time you fall head over heels for someone because you think they are pretty and it doesn't work out, they have taken a piece of your heart that you can no longer give to your wife.
"Don't you want to give your whole heart to your wife? Don't you want her to be your first true love? Or do you want to risk having your mind cluttered with other girls from your past? Or better yet, don't you want to be their first and only love or would you prefer wondering if she is thinking of some other guy when she kisses you because your kiss reminds her of him?"
"Or would you rather know that your wife had numerous boy-girl relationships before you?"
"Your body and mind is a special gift that you give to your spouse when you get married and all I am saying is that I think you would have an even awesomer marriage if you saved as much of both as you can for her."
As I explained this to Adam and Caleb in more detail, they really seemed to get it and even went as far as to agree to not give pieces of their heart away. As I expressed what great choices they were making, I also let them know that their decision did not mean that they could not have friends of the opposite sex or couldn't dance with a girl at a prom, or couldn't go out for pizza with a group of girls and boys. It simply meant that they were saving serious relationship stuff till they were ready to get into a serious relationship that could end in marriage... like after they are out of school.
15 comments:
I will agree, and probably not agree, kinda at the same time, with you. You should wait for 'serious' relationships simply because it takes a very long time to get to know yourself. I did not learn who I really was, and what I really needed, until after I was in my 20's, and divorced! I should have spent more time learning about ME first, learning to do what I wanted to do, learning to be happy with myself, and happy with people I liked - on MY terms. Only when I was thoroughly HAPPY with myself, on my own, prepared to be happy with my own company for the rest of my life, if that is what I needed, was I truly ready to find a REAL and PERMANENT place in my heart for someone else. I mean, if you are not capable of truly loving yourself, the person you should know better than anyone(!), how can your really love anyone else?? And you change as you grow! It takes a bit to become the 'you' that you will be as an adult. Give it time - figure yourself out. Be your own best friend FIRST, so you will know what a best friend really is - so you can know one when you find one, and you can be one to others too. Don't cheat yourself, do not settle for less!
However(!), I do believe in dating as much as I believe in friendships. Getting to know someone as a friend, or more than friend, is, IMO, an important way to see yourself through the eyes of another and understand yourself better. I believe it is better to learn a little at a time rather than head out unprepared and try to learn all at once. My opinion :-)
I guess the trick is knowing where to draw the line... the line dividing 'me' from 'other', and that's a tough trick! I set my 'line' though. If I felt someone was out for more of an commitment than I was ready to give, esp. if they continued to try after I told them my limits, I held my line and walked away - there really are plenty of other fish in the sea!
When I was ready for more commitment. I knew it. Because I really knew myself. This is how I try to handle the concept of relationships and 'who to marry' with my kids. I ask them how they will feel about something (like babies, or school, or work, etc.) in 2 years.. that makes them stop and think. I do not know?! So, if you do not know how you will feel about (something important) in 2 years, how do you know if (some random friend) will still be your friend in 2 years? I do not know. Of course not. There is still a lot to learn about yourself when you are young - so, learn about YOURSELF! Later, when you are ready, you will learn to add in others. Get a good foundation, and build from there :-)
Christine, I find your thoughts refreshing. I had determined when I was young not to say I LOVE YOU to anyone until it was the man I was going to marry. I wanted to set myself apart for that.
Have you ever read, "The Princess and the Kiss" ? Great story book for young kids about setting themselves apart for the ONE special one.
We are a few years away from the dating scene and I look forward to reading more thoughts about it.
Kudos for taking a stand.
Great post! I agree!!!!
I think I agree and disagree with you. I think part of being a teenager is having crushes and those girlfriends and boyfriends that only last a few weeks. And I really think that if a parent tries to keep their kids from dating until after high school that the kids will be more likely to feel they have to sneak around. I don't think they should go out on dates alone- I think it should all be group activities. I guess I think it's more important to try to teach your kids why they need to wait until marriage for sex than to try to make them wait until they are 18 to date.
Just my little opinion. Hope we can still be friends :)
This is the approach I took with my two older kids... I continue in this direction, but with more realistic expectations. I homeschooled Aidan and Lydia in Middle School, which helped, I think....kept them more protected from really early bad influences. They both went to every chastity speaker and conference that was on offer (a LOT)! They read and bought into books such as "I Kissed Dating Goodbye". Aidan really didn't do any serious dating until after HS, though he did go to the special dances at school - the prom and so forth...usually with a "date" but in a group, that had formed specifically to be a non-drinking set of friends. He was part of a tremendous group of supportive Christian friends through HS, which helps a lot. But, secular society pretty much got the best of him for the next few years. Now he is married, to a very nice woman, and I have no doubt at all that he recognizes the sacramentality of marriage and will be true to her. I also expect he regrets some of his previous relationships...but I wonder if he would have the depth and understanding that he now has without them...
Lydia, I think, fell into another sort of pitfall. She is "keeping herself" for her husband, but as a result, I think is more anxious to get married than she should be. And, it is sure an uphill battle for her. The pressures are immense.
One of the huge pressures, as far as I can see, is alcohol. Alcohol is what the girls need to make them overcome their God-given instincts of self-preservation. Once alcohol enters the picture things get dangerous, as far as I can see. I am especially worried about my Russian children, as I think alcohol is the main reason they became ours. It destroyed their original homes and parents.
I guess I am a ways off from having to deal with this yet since my son is not even 2 yet...but that doesn't mean I haven't thought about it! I definitely agree with your perspective...my parents basically brought me up this way - except the DID come across as controlling rather than caring, and wanting to have my best interests at heart...I can see now that the did have my best interests at heart...but it just came across wrongly to me as a teen...but I love the way you explained it to your sons - I'll have to keep that in the back of my mind...but if I forget I might be back here in 10 years asking for advice! ;) Thanks for sharing that!
I love your post.
That is interasting because we had same convesation come up this weekend. My son who is almost 12 got invited to go on the date. His answer was "My parents don't alow me to go on the date" He is not in to girls at all, his school comes first and time with his friends.
Most people I know are grateful for the teen dating experiences that led them to their spouses. My husband I were just talking about this issue last night. My oldest is almost 13 and I know that in a few short years dating will be an issue. My knee jerk reaction is to take an approach like you described, but a few things have come up that make me feel that I need to be even more respectful of his early loves (even if they are only crushes…because even crushes lead the way).
First was an online friend who was torn from her high school boyfriend. Married with children now, she still believes that what they had was real and that they would have married if the adult in their lives had respect for them. It’s actually a sad story and I feel for her.
Second, very good friends of our, married with two children, absolutely in love. They started dating when they were both only 15. They are now almost in their 40’s.
Third, me. I was only 15 when I started dating my husband. Like my friend’s above, I knew that it was for real and hoped it would be forever. It is and was. I’m grateful for the people I dated before him, because I then had a little experience to know what I wanted in a spouse and could see it when I found it.
I hope that my children make good choices, and I really hope that they have healthy relationships. More importantly, I hope that I can be respectful of those relationships when they happen.
You wrote "If you ask them, they have both had the boy-girl relationship where they think a girl is cute, they find that that girl likes them back, they have a friend ask if she wants to be go around, she says yes, they flirt with each other but never even hold hands or sit by each other, then they find out that she thinks some other guy is cute, so they break up after two weeks."
To me, this does not constitute a "serious relationship." It's part of growing up. It's part of learning about ourselves and our peers.
It is so easy to fall into the role of protecting our children that we can fail to realize that our cotton wool cosseting can starve them of essential freedoms. Freedoms that enable access to “life” and all the teaching and colour it can bring to the job of building a depth of character that equips them to vocalize and build relationships that are both truthful and recognizable as “genuine”.
So there you have my opinion (which I don't even know if you wanted!). In the end you only know what works for your children and your family... I wish you the best of luck!
-Jenny
Wow, what an appropriate title for this post. interesting take.
♥ I'm with you! We won't allow our kids to date until they're 16 and that's only group dates and not to be alone! When they're 18 they can do as they please! We just hope that we'll be able to establish a good foundation and that they'll know and do the right things! ie no sex until after marriage etc... Great post!
I both agree and disagree with you. I think that it is great that you want to teach your kids what relationships should really mean. On the other hand, I do think that the dating process is actually part of guaranteeing a good marriage. If you date, then you discover what does or does not work for you in a relationship. If you don't date at all, but instantly get married, who is to say that you've truly fallen in love? When you meet "the one" you will know because he/she will be different from those that have gone before. As for sex before marriage, that doesn't bug me so much. My personal belief is that kids shouldn't have sex - they are not yet old enough to understand what it truly is. When should an individual have sex? Only when they are truly in love. Marriage doesn't really enter the equation here because I don't consider it a prerequisite for sex and love. I will only have sex if I am truly in love and so I am waiting until that person comes along. I respect myself too much to do otherwise. So, while I will have sex before I get married, I will not have sex before I fall in love.
Mind if I link to this Christine? It is SUCH a great post and your heart for your kids is so evident. I love how you spoke to your boys so openly. I do not think you are controlling them at all. I think you are giving your kids the tools and the knowledge so they can go and make the best decisions for themselves.
I too have had many regrets in the relationship department. Wouldn't it be awesome to raise kids who did not have these regrets?
I think about biblical times when young people were married without ever dating. They trusted their parents to help them choose the right person. I know that is not practical this day in age. However, I do think the whole dating thing is overated and in many circumstances ends up getting teens into trouble.
Dittoing Wife of a Rockstar (and joining the conversation late). I think the BIGGEST thing that will allow success for our children and the choices we make FOR and WITH them is the relationship we have with them. If they grow up learning to trust us, knowing we have their best in mind, when it gets to the time they have to make some hard choices and when their hormones are raging such that they cannot make well-informed choices, they will turn to us for guidance.
I started a dialogue now with my 10 yo about guarding her heart while realizing that God gave us feelings and awakening to give us a chance to observe those around us. Looking at young men and wondering, is he godly, would he protect a young woman or likely hurt her? How does he stack up next to my dad? How does he treat his sisters? I don't believe dating is the best way to do this. Hanging out with families that are like minded and being friends with MANY people. Dedicating yourself to being as godly as possible so that YOU make a good mate.
But dating puts a young person's heart (and often body) on the line over and over again. I described it to my daughter as shopping, if you keep trying on that dress that is PERFECT but then go to another and another and another your head starts to spin and you cannot decide...which dress is best. KNOW what you want before you go shopping and then pick ONE and stick with it. :D Kinda silly maybe...very simplistic. But you get the point.
I agree with you! I hope for these same things for my kids, but alas, my son is in kindergarten and is already crushing.
I fear it is just in him. I will have to have these heart conversations with him in bits and pieces through the years!
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