I just have to quickly write that I am humbled by all of the thought provoking comments left on my post about "Why can't it be forever?" Especially the last couple of ones. Some of you have even requested that the dialogue continue and I am not sure that I can add as much to the conversation as some of you other adoptive parents out there.
I just want all of you to know that I really never meant to hurt anyones feelings and I hope that I haven't. I think all of you are amazing and some of your stories are such a testimony to the awesomeness of God's power to work his grace and fix what we can't.
I am so thankful that all of us want to support each other.
11 comments:
Thanks Christine. I'm linking your disruption conversation over at my blog.
Thank you for discussing these issues. God bless you.
Hugs, Esther
I liked your blog on disruption. My husband is apoted and I am so glad that his parents gave him up to have a better life, because of them he was placed with a wonderful family that stayed together and we were able to meet.
But idealy would have been wonderful to have his birth family work out...maybe. he is lucky where he is thankful and loves his birth family (whom he has never met) for the fact they made the responsible decision and gave him up. But he felt and his parents feel like he was suppose to be their child. We were suppose to meet. And now we have a wonderful daughter.
Things all work out for a reason and sometimes the is pain involved. But again things work out and in the end is all that matters ;) Thanks for you post!
I don't think you offended anyone. Your heart is so evident. You have two daughters from disruption so clearly this is a topic close to your heart.
They would not be your daughters however if their first adoptive families had not made the brave choice to give them to you. They so obviously were meant to be yours. I think sometimes, while it is hard to understand... it is in the child's best interest to move to a new family. Just like you stated in the original post.
I will be honest... and it is not easy for me to say... because there was a time I would have thought disruption was out of the question... I had many moments of wanting to disrupt . We had some very difficult times when our kids first came home and even up until just a year ago. It is not something I readily admit because I often think people judge me for it. I will just say that there were things that happened that I felt ill equipped to deal with. One of the biggest issues I see with adoption... is that parents are not equipped for what they will face. We were told NOTHING. We had no training.. no preparation. We did reading on our own. However you can read every book out there and once you are actually dealing with it.. it is a totally different story. That being said, I think parents need more preparation. I also think that the agencies and orphanages tend to leave out many details in terms of the children. We were never told of the behavior issues our children had. We were told they were wonderful, healthy kids.
They have come a long way... and we love them very much. We have stuck it out and I am glad we did, but it has NOT been easy and there have been many times I felt we made a mistake. I would never ever judge anyone or question them for disrupting an adoption. I know exactly how they are feeling in that moment. I have been there myself.
Having had such a successful adoption (with a very young child I might add) I can't imagine disrupting...but I try really hard not to judge those who feel it necessary because I don't live in their home. I assume it must be pretty awful to get to that point. But so incredibly sad for everyone involved.
it really shows that everything is not clear cut!
what is right for some it wrong for others....
Every child has a story and every family have as theres...
I pray hard for those childen that dont get their "forever family"
every child counts......
I heart aches for those that disrupt.. I cant even begin to think of the pain....
but my heart aches more for the child..... For all that it has missed out on because of the life it was born into.....
Such an interesting topic! We had a Romanian adoption in our family about 15 years ago. They adopted a 3 year old and an infant. The infant has grown up without difficulty but the 3 yr old had classic RAD/emotional issues due to his first 3 years. Of course, there has been so much written since then and some of the studies based on the children from Romania and now that we also adopted a 3 year old, I can completely understand and empathize with what they went thru. But, there is not a discussion that goes by in our family that we all think that he just needed different parents (my relatives were not bad parents, they just didn't know what to do with him and back then there was not as much help as there is avail now). Once I started reading your blog, I just thought, oh, if they would have gotten him, I wonder how he would have turned out. He needed such unconditional love and patience. Your children are so blessed that you seek God's help and guidance on how to treat them even when they are not lovable. I think that a disruption may have been beneficial for him in his case but we will never know as he is 18 now. Our relatives read and still may read our blog because I think they just wanted to be convinced that they did all they could and feel justified in their trials (and how they dealt with them)but our experience with Nick has so far been different. They kept warning us to lower our age limit to babies only. I think like Courtney said that some parents just are not equipped to deal with or maybe don't have a faith and relationship with God to be able to deal with the very real and very unbelieveably trying situations that the children can bring into your life. Unfortunately, there is no real way for a social worker or an agency to detect who could deal with extra stress and who cannot. It is sad to me that basically the child suffers either way. What a difficult, difficult subject. Thanks for discussing.
Christine,
I started writing a very long detailed comment but then had to stop myself. I just can't share the things that led up to our placing our son in the custody of the county. He is still our son at this point but the idea of him coming home terrifies me. That is all I can say for now.
I felt and even now feel like a failure. I lean on God's grace to get me through each day. I know that God was with me through the whole experience and I trust Him that there was a reason and that He has a plan for my son.
~jen
Jen, You should not feel like a failure. If your son terrifies you than he is in the right place. Sometimes we can't understand why things happen, but I am sure that God does have a plan for your son and your family.
I don't know how anyone manages to adopt in the first place. I'd be so scared that I wouldn't get to love the child. How do you know that you will love him/her?
Thanks for having the courage to bring up such a tough subject.
Side note: I want to start a Favorite's List on my blog. May I add your blog?
I very much agree with everything you wrote.
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