Love is a choice. Especially with our children. Adopted or not.
We should not base our decision to love our child because of their ability to love us back.
How do we know that they are not trying their very best? I tend to believe that love is imitated and given an adopted child's past, most likely surrounded by abandonment, neglect, abuse, and overall distrust for adults, I don't know how they would have had the chance to learn the way that we are called to love......the way God intended us to love.
But, I am not even sure that we adoptive parents all have healthy relationships. I'm not sure that all of us know how to love our adopted children.
1 Corinthians 13:4-5 says, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs."
Sometimes it just so happens that initially our love is not reciprocated by our adopted children in the way that we would expect, and that sets the tone for how we will perceive their future attempts at loving us. Often times their attempts from that point on seem fake, if not forced. Over time we become insecure that this fake show of affection is because they don't really love us, or want to manipulate us in some way, but really they just have not been taught.
Whatever it may be that we are feeling, I am sure that our children pick up on it. They may not know how to naturally initiate an affectionate hug, but they are not dumb. In fact, they are pros at picking up on subtle signs of rejection and taking it to heart.
This may not be our intentions, but eventually, both of our insecurities and feelings begin to feed off of each other, only exacerbating the issue.
But who is the adult here? Who chose who?
Really,
How much effort would it take for you to reach out to rub your child's hand? Wish them well on a test? Invite them to sit next to you on movie night? How much effort would it take for you to act like you are interested, invested, supportive?
What if.......
your daughter is helping around the house to the point that you feel like she is trying to take your place only because this is what she was expected to do back in her home country?
your son pushes you away every time you sit down to feed him because he associates food with his birth mom leaving him alone for days at a time because she thinks that he will be fine after eating a good meal?
your daughter just keeps waking you up in the middle of the night because she yearns for you to come and snuggle up next to her?
your daughter doesn't comb her hair because she wants you to notice and put pretty bows in it?
If we could only show them the love and affection that they so desire from us, then maybe just maybe, they would have something to imitate.
I'm not sure why I decided to post about this, probably because of what I have been reading the last couple of days from the adoption community, but I want to leave you with this last bit of thought.
Wouldn't it be wonderful if we as adoptive parents could look at adoption the same way as God does?
Ephesians 1:4-6 says, "For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves."
12 inspiring thoughts:
Thank you for this.
Hi!!
I've been quietly reading your blog since day 1 and never commented before, but so far this is my favorite post.
As an (adoptive) mom, I believe that since the beginning of my life it was God's plan that I be a mother to my child. He chose her for me. It was just up to me to listen to His call and bring her home.
This goes for everyone. All our children (whether bio or adopted) are part of God's great plan for us. Perhaps it's just that sometimes we as humans, make mistakes, and don't parent as we should.
Adoption is a gift for US, the parents. Everytime someone wants to commend me on "how lucky my daughter is that I brought her out of that orphanage," I have to reply, "I'm the lucky one who was blessed by her."
I know I went a little off topic here, but being a mom is not always easy (and we will make mistakes), but it is 100% WORTH IT!!
God bless,
Maria
I wonder what you've been reading. I know what you mean! Are you familiar with Beyond Consequences? (Heather Forbes) It is a love-based approach to caring and disciplining children with attachment issues. I highly recommend it... I will read this again; thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Very wise post.
Very insightful.
I think pure and perfect love can only come through God. Loving our children is a choice, but only through God's unconditional love, can we every truly love anyone without condition. Human love is imperfect. God's love is not.
I tell all of my children that God will love them more than I ever could. And that I am not perfect and in my humaness I make mistakes, I say the wrong thing, I hurt their feelings.
I have learned through adoption that my love will never heal them, or fix them nor will it be enough. Only God's love will meet their needs, heal their brokeness and make them whole.
I think we can all learn from this post...not just with our children..but all people. We all need to learn to be more loving and set our own feelings aside. Love is not based on feelings...that is for sure. Sometimes I am very unloveable. Thankfully I have people in my life who love me anyway :)
Thanks Christine. You are on a roll!
The reason why it would ever be difficult for us to love this way is because we have not yet been crucified with Christ. We are still living and in the kingdom, in order to live we must die. Die to our fears, insecurities, etc. Once we are dead to those things God can bring us to life in him to love without fear and insecurity.
That is my two cents. I really appreciate this post and have witnessed this first hand in my life. Good insights!
Thanks for the post on my blog- I am really excited about giving away all those toys! Your kids are beautiful, can't wait to read more.
Nikki
What a great post! I just started checking your site a few days ago. This is the kind of wisdom I look for when I read other adoptive family blogs. Thank you! And thank you for reminding me that when my daughter seems to be faking it till she makes it with me, it's probably the truth on some level, but that's okay, because it's the start of something wonderful!
~Lori in KY
Thank you. I have yet to master this concept. I just pray that God will heal my insecurities and continue to teach me what true love is.
Love is certainly an important factor, but it's also important not to fall pry to the all-too-pervasive myth that "love will cure all", especially with regard to adopted children. That's naive and could result in tragedy...and I'm appalled that there are actually agencies out there who preach this rather than help families prepare for the realities of adoption. (and even basic child-rearing and care) Love does not replace professional help when it's indicated, nor does it insure that the same feeling is returned. Love is a commitment, not just a "feeling", too. But it does help you get through the tough times when your love is strong enough to help you hang in there.
Thank you for this post, Christine! I've been hearing God telling me lately that love is not self-seeking...and it's hard for me to put myself aside. I pray He'll teach me how and, by His grace, I'll learn!
I just looked up and saw "come on, just say what ever it is you're thinking". I'm thinking I'm so far from being the mom God wants me to be...
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